40. Ariella
FORTY
ARIELLA
WHEN A CHARACTER SAYS THE QUIET PARTS A LITTLE TOO LOUD…
I groaned, pressing the phone harder against my ear as I flopped onto my bed, clutching the pillow beneath my head, wishing it could somehow smother the chaos swirling inside me.
Pick up already.
“I made him enchiladas and asked him to come home with me in San Jose,” I blurted out before Gracie even got a chance to say anything. I dragged my arm across my face as if that would help the pounding of my heart
There was a pause before my cousin’s scream shattered the silence, so loud I had to yank the phone away to save whatever was left of my eardrum.
“Shut up, I knew you liked him. Meeting la familia , Ariella that’s huge. God, you two will?—”
“It doesn’t matter if I like him,” I interrupted, the lie clinging to my tongue, sounding hollow. “I…” The rest trailed off because I didn’t know what the hell I was thinking or feeling anymore.
Gracie’s tone softened. “Babe, you better not be moping around telling yourself this isn’t worth it. We both know it is.” I clenched my jaw, her words cutting close to the truth. “Have you talked to him at all about how you feel?” she pressed.
I didn’t answer.
Couldn’t answer because I was still shoving the door, holding my thoughts and feelings closed.
“You ran, didn’t you?”
“Yup,” I said, popping the p and causing a long stream of expletives to exit her mouth. “You have no room to talk, Gracie. You’re on a different date almost every night of the week, running so far from anything that could even look like a relationship by making sure you only choose shitty dates who won’t stick around.”
There was a beat of silence before she responded, calm and contained. Not what I’d expected or hoped for. I’d been looking for a fight so I could deflect.
“That’s not totally true. I also select ones that would piss off my father,” she sassed, but there was an edge to it. “We both know you’re being a bitch because you want to get a reaction out of me, so that way, we can move this conversation on from the fact that you like him.”
More silence stretched between us.
“I’m scared, Gracie.” My voice broke. “Scared of losing myself, of giving up my independence. What if getting involved complicates everything? What if I can’t focus on my career?” I sat up, on the verge of hysterics. “Remember I told you his father fucking propositioned me? Like, do I really want to get involved with someone whose father is like that?”
I winced when the words were out because that was a lame excuse. In fact, part of the reason I’d realized I wanted to be with him was because his father was a piece of shit. I wanted to show him how worthy of love and affection he was.
Fuck. Why did I think about the L word?
Gracie took a deep breath, and I could tell she was choosing her words carefully. “I know you’ve worked hard to get where you are. But pushing people away doesn’t protect you, Ariella. It just leaves you... alone.” There was a sadness in her voice that made my heart hurt, but I still tried to argue.
“I’d rather be alone than lose myself,” I said, but it sounded hollow.
“The right person won’t make you lose yourself. They’ll help you find parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed. By not giving yourself this a chance, you might be missing out on something incredible.” I swallowed hard, her words hitting me deeper than I wanted to admit. “From what I can tell, being with Dalton has only made you happy. You have to ask yourself if you’re willing to risk missing out on a chance at real happiness.”
Images of his smiles, the way he listened, how he remembered the smallest details…they all flashed through my mind.
Dalton made me feel seen in a way I hadn’t felt before. “Maybe you’re right,” I said softly.
“Of course I am. I’m always right. My personal relationships may be shit, but I like to think my daddy issues help me give good advice.”
“ Ay Dios mío , Graciella.”
“Seriously though,” she said, her tone gentle. “Talk to him. Don’t let fear decide for you. For a woman who hates that the machismo tells us how to live our life, you’ve ironically managed to wall yourself in by your own boundaries. Maybe try living, Ari.”
Those words were like a sledgehammer, hitting at a reality I’d been blind to.
“What if I’m wrong, and he’s just being nice? What if he’s just good at playing the part of a fake boyfriend? He just let me go to bed, no kiss or anything…” The confession was barely above a whisper, but Gracie still caught it, making a sympathetic noise.
It was so stupid. It didn’t make sense that I had this secret hope Dalton and I were like a romance novel, falling in love even though it was all supposed to be fake.
“You wanted him to run after you,” Gracie said, stating aloud what I couldn’t. “Fuck that. Go knock on his door. You two literally live together. Throw on some lingerie and strut your ass over.”
“Gracie, it’s not the same.”
“You want him to make the first move to prove it’s not fake for him either.” She continued to voice everything running through my mind with alarming accuracy, which would be irritating if it wasn’t so enlightening to hear aloud. Gracie’s tone turned gleeful. “Oh my god, Ari, you’re so far gone. You’re past ‘like’ prima , I’m pretty sure you’re onto another L-word.”
I groaned, burying my face in the pillow. “Not helping. How could I love him? We aren’t even a real couple.”
“Bullshit. What you two have has been real since you met him. You’re too stubborn to admit it aloud, but we both know it. The way you care for one another? That’s not fake, but you’ve been using that excuse as a cover every time you get scared. It’s time to put your big chonies on and fucking admit it.” Gracie paused dramatically, then let up on the serious talk like she knew I was at my limit. “You know what you need? Your vibrator and some quality time imagining Dalton clapping them cheeks,” she joked, providing sound effects.
“You need to start dating better men. Clapping them cheeks? Really, Gracie, is that what they’re saying to you?”
“Pounding your pompis ?”
That did the trick. A laugh burst from deep in my chest. By the time we stopped laughing, tears were streaming down my face.
“Please put that on a shirt.”
“Oh, you know I’m already on that shi—” A loud knock interrupted whatever she would’ve said next.
I froze, heart leaping into my throat, because there was only one option for who could be at my door in this apartment.