Chapter 19 #2
“Fallon!” I scold her. “I know you’re upset, but that’s no reason to be insensitive.”
“I don’t think it’s insensitive to try to understand why the hell you’re racing down an aisle with someone who disappeared on us years ago.
You just got divorced. Are you sure this isn’t a midlife crisis?
Derek’s mom said his dad went through one after they got divorced.
He married some twenty-year-old and moved to the Bahamas.
I feel like this is your version of that.
Except it’s Colorado and some guy you knew in college. ”
God, this girl already knows how to cut with her words.
I hope I didn’t teach her that, but then I know everyone says she’s a miniature version of me.
Here’s hoping Bishop’s calm and patient demeanor starts to wear off on her because Ethan was every bit as sharp as I was, and sometimes I worry we’ve passed all that ruthlessness on to Fallon.
“It’s not a midlife crisis. I understand it’s a decision you don’t appreciate and don’t value the same way I do. That’s something we can continue talking about, and if you want us both to meet with Dr. Stark—”
“I don’t care about Dr. Stark! I care that you’re ruining our lives! God! You’re the worst! I just want to go live with Dad. Can I live with Dad? I’d rather be back in Boston anyway. Then he and I can do our thing, and you and Bishop can do yours.”
The idea of sending her back to Boston full-time breaks my heart. I can’t even begin to imagine how I’d get through it. But I can’t make this about me and my fears right now.
“You know your dad’s schedule is too busy for you to be there full-time. You can’t be alone at home when he’s on the road. If you want to spend more time there, we can talk about that, but—”
“Then let me go live with Grandma and Grandpa. They have rooms, and they have a staff! I wouldn’t be alone there, and I could stay with Dad when he’s home.”
“Fallon, we talked about this before the divorce… I want us to be here in Colorado—close to family. Your uncles want to be part of your life. I want you to have the opportunity to know Bishop as your father. I know right now you’re upset, but I think once you have some time to think about all this and work through your feelings, you might start to change your mind. ”
“Was Uncle Levi in on this plot to bring Bishop back into our lives? Because if he was, I don’t ever want to see him again.”
“There was no plot.”
“But Bishop is Uncle Levi’s best friend, and Uncle Levi and Uncle Grant have never liked Dad all that much. It’s obvious whenever he’s been here. They didn’t invite him out to do stuff. They didn’t spend time with him the way they do Bishop.”
This is exactly the kind of keenly perceptive awareness I love about her and worry about all at the same time.
“Your uncles and your dad didn’t have as much in common as they do with Bishop, but they liked your dad just fine.
There’s a difference between someone who is a friend and someone who comes into the family because your family member marries them.
You’re still getting to know your uncles’ fiancées, right?
That takes time, and your dad, unfortunately, didn’t get to come back here with us much.
Bishop lived here with us for several years and always came back for holidays and leave when he was in the military. So we got to see him a lot more.”
“Until he was gone for fifteen years!” she shrieks.
“He had his reasons for that. Ones I’m sure he’ll be happy to explain to you more, especially as you get older.”
She suddenly looks horrified again, and it melts into a strange look of curiosity on her face.
“Was he married? Do I have siblings?” Fallon asks.
“No. Neither.”
“Other aunts and uncles?”
“He has a half brother. They’re not close. And your great-grandmother.”
“What about my grandparents on that side?”
“They’ve both passed away. Your grandmother passed away before you were born. Your grandfather just passed away last year. That’s why Bishop came home.”
“So my grandfather was just on the other side of this mountain all this time, and you never let me meet him before he died?” Her face turns stormy as a new bout of anger brews under the surface.
“Your grandfather was not a good person. It’s why Bishop came to live with us, and you are better for not having known him. I regret ever having met him myself.”
“What happened to me having choices?”
“Your choices stop when it involves something I know would harm you. At least while I have a say.”
“I can’t wait until I turn eighteen.” She shakes her head, her arms folding in tighter around her middle as she starts to pace. “So there’s nothing I can say? Just… no matter what, you’re going through with this?”
“I love Bishop. I want to be with him. I think you will love him, too, once you get to know him. No one is trying to replace your dad. Not even Bishop wants that.” I take a breath before I continue, waiting to see if she’s going to interrupt with another tirade about my midlife crisis.
“But he’s already missed so many years of your life, and now that he and I have fallen in love again…
I know I don’t need time to make that decision.
I know I want to be with him.” She shakes her head, and I know her thoughts are with Ethan.
“I loved your dad, Fal, but it’s been a long time since he and I were in love with each other.
We were honest with you about that long before Bishop was in the picture.
And it’s such a rare feeling. Someday, when you have it for yourself with someone you fall for, I think you’ll understand why it’s something you want to rush toward.
” The furrow on her brow recedes ever so slightly.
“But if you tell me that this is absolutely unbearable for you, I will take that into consideration. I know you’ve been through a lot this last year.
There have been so many changes in such a short period of time. I understand it’s overwhelming.
“If this truly makes you miserable, of course, I don’t want that for you.
I love you to the moon and back, Fallon.
I’d do anything in my power to keep you happy and healthy—and your mental and emotional health are part of that.
I’m just asking you to take a day or two to consider your feelings first. It’s hard for me to take what you say when you’re angry as your final word.
I know we both need time to process things when we’re upset, and it’s absolutely valid that this upsets you.
Once you’ve thought through it, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Even if that’s you saying you don’t want to know Bishop, or you still hate the idea of us being together.
Would you like to talk again in a day or two? ”
She nods silently, not meeting my eyes, but the stormy look on her face has faded to something more contemplative, and it gives me hope that she might still come around on this.
“I love you. So much. Can I have a hug?” I hold out my arms but wait for her okay.
“I love you too,” she responds, leaning forward and wrapping her arms around me under my own.
I squeeze her tight and kiss her forehead.
Every moment like this feels fleeting. I know the older she gets, the less of these I’ll have, and I’ll take every single one I can get.
The thought of her growing up and moving away to college or returning to Boston to be closer to Ethan hits me hard, and I press another kiss to the crown of her head, giving her one last squeeze before we go our separate ways.
Trying to navigate her needs, Bishop’s, and my family’s is stretching my own emotions thin, and I’m doing my level best not to cry in front of her.
I don’t want her to feel like her arm is being twisted into something that will bring more misery to her door, but I also know that I’m the adult in the room, and Bishop’s and my feelings are valid as well.
If we love each other, we should be together.
Shit.
Now I’m convincing myself that my feelings for him are real.
I probably need the same couple of days Fallon does to process what any of this means and dig through my own emotions.
If I’m going to manage them and keep myself steady for her, keep myself strong for this family, and brace myself for the onslaught of mixed emotions I feel whenever Bishop is near, I’m going to need to start making time for myself through all of this. Easier said than done.