Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CALLIE
There was a fresh dusting of snow overnight, and the entire world outside looks like it was set under a powdered sugar shaker and evenly covered.
The muddy tire tracks and footprints that led to the barn are missing, and everything is wiped clean.
I lean my forehead against the window in my bedroom so I can see further in front of the house.
The spot Gavin’s parents had parked their truck is empty, with no tire tracks in the snow.
They must have left last night and not returned.
Does that mean their conversation didn’t go well?
Gavin never came downstairs after talking to them.
I heard the shower going at one point, then he disappeared into his room.
My family played a few games before calling it quits, too, after Mom dug out our stockings and hung them all on the mantel.
The only one missing now is Gavin’s, but I still need to get my hands on one for him. I’m not going to hang the stocking he grew up with. I have plans. If we were home, I’d pull out Mom’s sewing machine and get to work, but here I need to be sneakier. I’m hoping to recruit some local help.
The text I sent Gavin last night is still sitting on my phone unanswered. He loved it, but sent no return text.
Callie
I’m here if you need anything
No sounds have come from his room this morning, but it’s still early. And it’s Christmas Eve. I’m not going to let anything ruin today.
I tug on a green cable knit sweater over my white T-shirt and slip on some gold hoops before heading downstairs.
The living room is already toasty from the fire.
Oliver is running circles around the rug with an airplane, making noises I’m sure are meant to be flying sounds. Rhys and Luna snuggle on the armchair.
“Good morning,” I say.
Luna yawns. “No one else is up yet. Oliver thought today was Christmas when he saw the stockings, so that was fun.”
“Poor guy.” I’m antsy to see Gavin. Is it inappropriate to knock on his bedroom door? Yes. Okay, I know the answer to that one already.
“You’re distracted,” Rhys says. “Do you want some breakfast?”
“If you’re cooking, the answer is always yes.”
He leans over to kiss his wife before disentangling himself and stretching. “I’d planned a full English today. But I’ll leave the sausage off for you lot.”
“We like sausage,” Luna says. “Unless you picked up the nasty one.”
He grins. “Don’t worry, love. I have bacon.”
Once he’s gone into the kitchen, Luna sighs. “Blood sausage is one thing I will never get on board with. Food shouldn’t be metallic.”
The door opens again. “To each their own.”
“Eavesdropping? Really?”
“No, but I know you can’t let it go.” Rhys turns his smile on Oliver. “Come on, mate. Want to help me with the eggs?”
“Eggs!” Oliver says, and his plane immediately reroutes to the kitchen.
I type another text, but this time to my best friend.
Callie
Merry almost Christmas!
My phone immediately starts to ring. I look at Luna.
She glances at my screen and shrugs. “I don’t care if you answer.”
I swipe. “Hey. What’s up?”
“You’re awake early. Isn’t it like six in the morning there?”
“Almost seven. I couldn’t really sleep.”
“Everything okay?” Bekah asks.
“Yes.”
A blinker clicks in the background.
“Where are you headed?” I ask.
“Home. Peter’s here too.”
“Hi, Peter.”
“Hi,” he says. “We just had dinner at this new place in the Hills. You’d probably like it, Callie. We’ll all need to go when you get home.”
Something about the offer feels off. Not that Peter doesn’t mean it, because I know he’s sincere. But the idea of returning to the small apartment with Bekah and living with a new roommate in it for the next five years while I finish my doctorate and going out without Gavin just feels so…empty.
“Did I ruin things for you yesterday?” Bekah asks.
“No, not at all. Gavin’s not like that.”
Luna waggles her eyebrows, so I roll my eyes at her.
Bekah makes a humming sound. “What’s he like, then? You sound more serious than before, Cal.”
“Um, yeah. I don’t know how I feel. But I like him.”
Luna jumps up from her chair and joins me on the sofa after doing a silent happy dance. I push her away, but she stays.
“Glad things never worked out with Alex. You were always way too good for him.” Bekah scoffs. “You should post a few pictures with Gavin. Make him jealous.”
That had been the plan. Somewhere along the way, making Alex jealous lost its appeal. His opinion became unimportant. If I post anything at all on social media, it’s going to be because I care about Gavin and for no other reason.
“I forgot you dated Alex,” Peter says. “He and Kayla are perfect for each other.”
“Oh, we don’t speak her name,” Bekah says. “She’s awful to Callie.”
“I’m hoping that relationship will end soon. I applied for that Youth Center internship, which means a new clinical supervisor if I get chosen.”
There’s silence on the other end of the line.
“Bekah? Did I lose you?”
The blinker goes again. “No, still here.”
They’re whispering to each other, which sends a nervous feeling through my stomach. “What’s going on?”
“Just tell her,” Bekah snaps.
“I could get in trouble for this.”
“I won’t say anything,” I tell them. My hands shake and I sit forward on the sofa. “What is it, Peter? Was I not chosen?”
“They already selected people. Langard wanted it taken care of before he went on vacation, so we went through the applications that day. Your essay was good, but it came down to experience. Two others in the department have already worked with youth before.”
My stomach falls to the floor. “How can I gain the experience without the experience?”
“I know. I fought for you, and not just because we’re friends. I think it would be a good change. But clinical supervisors are set for next quarter. You’ll have to find something else next summer and make a switch the following school year.”
“I’m sorry, Cal,” Bekah says.
“No one has been notified, so don’t repeat this information, please.” Peter sounds stressed.
“I won’t. Don’t worry. Thanks for letting me know so I don’t have to sit here and wonder.” I give a little laugh, but it sounds hollow.
Luna’s brow furrows.
“Anyway,” I say. “I better let you go. Love you, Bekah. Merry Christmas, guys.”
“Merry Christmas,” they chorus.
I hang up the phone and drop it on my lap, then lean back and close my eyes. This can’t be happening. I think I might be spiraling, but slowly. In a weird, slow, spinny way.
“What was that about?” Luna asks.
“The she-devil is going to be my clinical supervisor again this quarter. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it for another five months.”
“What she-devil?” says a different voice.
My eyes fly open and find my mom standing over me, a scowl on her face. “Nothing.”
Her eyebrows rise. “What happened?”
“I hate school.” The words slipped out of me, but once they’re free, I don’t regret saying them. I don’t usually keep things from my mom, so trying to hide how unhappy I’ve been has been a heavy challenge.
Shock falls over her face.
I sit up. “Okay, that’s not fair. But Alex’s girlfriend Kayla is my clinical supervisor, and I swear she’s doing everything she can to make school a nightmare for me.
It can’t last forever, and I can persevere, but I don’t love it anymore.
I’m starting to question why I ever wanted a doctorate in the first place. ”
Mom blinks. She sits on Luna’s other side and reaches across her lap for my hand. “Why didn’t you say anything? We thought you loved UCLA.”
“I did for the first few years. But I miss home. I miss seasons. I just want to work with kids, and I can do that with a master’s degree. Joining the doctorate program might have been a bit hasty.”
“Oh, Callie.”
I shrug. “It’s only five more years.”
Mom scoffs. “What’s your plan?”
“Stick it out.”
“You can’t do that thing…what is it called? A master’s out of the way or something?”
My heart picks up pace. “I’ve never heard of this.”
“You’d have to look into it, but Sheryl’s son did it a few years ago. He was in the doctorate program at Stanford and decided not to finish it, so he wrote some sort of dissertation and left school with a Master of Arts in Psychology.”
“I could get it after only two more quarters,” I say.
“You need to look into it,” Mom says. “But if you want to change your career path, it might be an option.”
Change my career path. That thought gives me such sweet relief, I can hardly breathe. “I need to research this immediately.”
And by research, I mean go up to my bedroom and call Peter so he can tell me if it’s possible.
Mom squeezes my hand. “I’m going to put together those plates so we can go caroling later.”
“Rhys is making breakfast,” Luna adds.
“I need to make a phone call,” I say, then jump up and run for the stairs. When I turn to go up the next set of stairs to my room, I nearly collide with Gavin. “Sorry!”
He steadies my shoulders. He’s in a dark long-sleeved henley with the top button flopping open. “You’re in a hurry.”
“I just learned there might be a way for me to leave UCLA next year with a master’s degree.”
His hands tighten on my shoulders. “How?”
“I need to call Bekah’s boyfriend and find out.” The stairwell is brightening now that the sun is rising. Gavin’s expression is calm, his body relaxed. “But how are you? I noticed your parents’ truck is gone.”
“They only wanted a new campervan. I gave them some money toward one and tried to have a conversation about better communication. I’m not sure it will do anything to improve our situation, but I’ve opened that door, at least.”
“I’m proud of you. Was it hard?”
“Excruciating.” He shrugs. “Evidently, they asked me to buy this house for them when my dad lost everything, not from them. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I’m glad that’s the case. Turns out, Mum’s been hurt about it all these years.”
“At least she was able to get that off her chest.”
He rubs up and down my arms.
“They could come back,” I say.
“Aye, they could, but I’m not betting on it.”
I slide my hands around his waist and look up into his eyes. “I’m sorry. That must be really hard.”
“Maybe a small part of me held out hope I would wake up this morning and they would still be here, but when I handed over the cheque last night, I knew it was the last I would see of them for a while.”
I’m standing on the step below, which makes me lower than usual, but I still bury my head in his chest and hook my arms around his back. He can be strong all day in front of everyone, but he doesn’t have to be strong right now.
“This sucks. I’m sorry.”
I feel his chest expand with a large intake of breath, then I curl into him more when he lets it out on a shuddering exhale. He holds me tightly and I stand there, wrapped in his arms for what feels like an eternity.
The most comfortable, blessed eternity. I want to stand here forever.
“Thank you,” he says, his voice muffled by my hair.
“Noooo,” I whine, holding tightly when he tries to pull away. “I’m not ready to be done yet.”
Gavin chuckles. “Go ring your friend and come find me after. Deal?”
“Fine.” I look up at him and wait.
He gives me a look that says he understands what I’m doing. When he lowers his mouth, he skips my lips and presses a kiss to my jaw, his beard drawing shivers over my skin. “Phone first.”
“Ugh.” I take his face in both hands and kiss him soundly on the mouth.
He responds until butterflies are having a rave in the empty cavity of my stomach, then backs up.
“Okay. Meet you downstairs.” I slip around him and dart up to my room, closing the door behind me. When Bekah answers the phone, I hold my breath, heart still going wild from the kiss. “Are you still with Peter? I have a question for him.”
“I am. Are you okay? You sound out of breath.”
“Yes, just ran up the stairs. After I kissed Gavin.”
“Okay, what? More on that first, please.”
“Peter first, Gavin after?” I say.
“Be quick about it.”
“Hello?” Peter says.
My pulse races. Since recognizing how locked into this program I’ve felt, this is the first time I’ve had hope things could possibly change.
I’m simultaneously nervous he’ll tell me it won’t work and eager to hear I have options.
“Hi. I have a question for you. Does UCLA have a master’s out of the way program? ”
“I’m not following.”
My heart sinks. Stanford has similar programs to my school, but we aren’t the same. I sit on my bed and rub my eyes. “My mom heard about it. It’s a thing where you can apply to get your master’s after reaching a certain number of years in the doctoral program.”
“Oh, that. Yes. It’s called master’s on the way. It’s not official, and it’s frowned upon as a route to get a master’s from a university if you don’t intend to get the doctorate.”
“But I can? If I want to quit, it’s possible?”
“Yeah, you can. You need the dean to sign off on it and a few other requirements, but it’s nothing you’re incapable of.”
Everything suddenly feels brighter, and I don’t think it’s just because the sun has fully risen now.
“Listen, Callie, if working with Kayla is that difficult, we can shuffle—”
“It’s not just that. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but I appreciate the information.”
“Is it my turn now?” Bekah asks, her voice distant.
“Yeah, I think we’re done.” Peter laughs lightly. “Anything else, Callie?”
“That’s it,” I say, falling back on the bed and closing my eyes. I truly relax for the first time in I don’t know how long.
He must have passed the phone to Bekah, because the next thing I hear is, “Start at the beginning and tell me every single detail.”