Chapter 31
“Ireally would prefer to retire and speak of this later,” Ailis said, each word a struggle.
Every time she looked at Killian, at Fraser, at her own brother, the lump in her throat grew larger, until she feared she might not be able to breathe past it, much less speak.
“It can wait,” she insisted. “There are more important things to attend to. Namely, makin’ sure that Fraser and Paisley return home without further delay. Fraser has certainly been here long enough.”
And I cannae face Paisley like this, nae after she sees her beloved and what me faither has done to him.
There was a stark difference between imagining a loved one in pain and seeing it for oneself. It might have been cowardly, but Ailis couldn’t bear the guilt that swelled in her chest.
They had all made it out of the labyrinth of the dungeons, but as Ailis made for her chambers, both Murdock and Killian had stopped her. Asked her to explain everything first, when all she wanted was her bed and a pillow to scream into.
“I’m keen to have some understanding,” Fraser said between ragged breaths, “but I cannae argue with the lass. I’d like to return to me beloved and me own bed as soon as possible.”
As Ailis searched for a path to slip away unnoticed, Murdock approached Fraser, who hung weakly from his brother’s strong arm, and bowed his head.
“I’m sorry for everythin’ ye’ve endured here,” Murdock offered.
“I’ve instructed me men to arrange a carriage for ye, so ye can return to yer home in some comfort.
I ken it doesnae undo what has been done to ye, but I hope it’s a start to a long and lasting peace between our clans. A gesture of goodwill.”
Fraser eyed him with warranted suspicion before glancing up at Killian. “The peace treaty is real?”
“Aye, it appears so,” Killian replied. “We’re usherin’ in a new era. Nay more war.”
Fraser sniffed. “Then I’ll take yer carriage and yer word.” He straightened his back and held out his uninjured hand, though it shook. “To this new era, and me survivin’ to see it.”
“To this new era,” Murdock echoed, taking the man’s hand. “And to ye survivin’ to see it. Though I daresay none of us will if ye daenae head outside to reunite with yer lass this very moment.”
Fraser mustered a laugh, and the sound puzzled Ailis.
How could he laugh after what had happened to him? How could he shake Murdock’s hand, when he had lost a father and a finger because of their father? Indeed, how could it be that he had never raised his voice to her or hurled a vicious word at her when she used to sneak him food?
Perhaps revenge doesnae run in their blood the way it does in ours.
She remembered Killian hesitating when he could have killed Shawn in an instant. Instead, he had paused to ask her what she wanted him to do, as if she were somehow the wronged party.
It didn’t make sense to her, stirring up her guilt into a terrible, uncomfortable storm that raged in her mind and body.
“Ye should go with yer braither, Killian,” she said abruptly.
“Make sure that he makes it back to Castle MacNairn safely. I will write to ye if I feel we need to talk, but truly, I think it would be best for us all if ye leave. There will be a lot for ye to do in the comin’ days, a lot of uncertainty, and I’d like to be here to help me braither and to tend to Skye. ”
A flicker of something akin to pain crossed Killian’s face.
“Kennin’ what I do, I have nay right to set foot inside Castle MacNairn again,” she wanted to tell him, but she couldn’t form the words.
So she said nothing, her head bowed, refusing to look at him anymore. It hurt too much.
She was aware of Killian moving toward her, and of Murdock stepping in front of him, putting a palm to his chest as if to say, Not now.
“Let me speak to me sister alone,” Murdock said in a low voice. “Ye tend to yer braither and his betrothed. The carriage should be ready by now.”
Killian seemed to hesitate, but just as Ailis’s resolve was starting to crumble, her body yearning to be held by him and to feel his comforting embrace, he turned and walked out, helping Fraser along.
Once the two brothers were out of the main doors and heading down to the courtyard, Murdock turned around.
“Now, I ken we’ve never been close, but would ye like to tell me what on earth is goin’ on?
” he asked, approaching her slowly as if she were a wild horse, likely to bolt.
“Ye’ve long thought me an unfeelin’ wretch—I’m aware of that—but I ken a lad and lass who are in love when I see ‘em. So, why are ye so determined to stay here?”
With tears in her eyes and that jagged lump in her throat, Ailis told him how she had come to exist in this world, how her life had stolen her mother’s, and how her clandestine origins had started a war that had taken so many lives.
Indeed, she told him how, by calling out and saving her that day on the beach when she was a child, he had also inadvertently set off a chain of events that had led to so much misery.
“At least now, I finally understand why he hated me so much,” she concluded, tears trickling down her cheeks. “I just wish that I had drowned that day, so—”
All of a sudden, Murdock’s arms were around her, holding her tightly. The shock of his embrace silenced her, her own arms hesitantly rising to wrap around him in return.
In twenty years, she couldn’t remember ever hugging her brother or him hugging her.
“Daenae ever say what ye were about to say,” Murdock said thickly.
“Ye didnae ask to be born, Ailis, and none of this is yer fault. These were all the deeds of a wicked man who probably would’ve killed our maither one way or another.
Ye daenae remember her as much as I do. Ye daenae remember much of how they were together.
How scared she was of him, or how he’d shout and scream at her.
Och, when Kristen was born, he threatened to toss her out of the window because she was a lassie.
He was evil, Ailis, and… I’m sorry it took me so long to do somethin’ about it. ”
“If ye kent he was wicked, why did ye obey him?” Ailis had to ask, though she didn’t pull back, content to hold her brother as tightly as he held her.
Murdock sighed. “Many reasons. One, it became a habit. Two, if I did what he asked, it appeased him. Three, I kent that if he thought I was bein’ cruel to ye, he wouldnae show ye the true measure of his cruelty.
I remember that day on the beach. I remember thinkin’ that he was tryin’ to hurt ye.
I remembered what he’d threatened to do with Kristen when she was born.
Since then, I did whatever I could to keep him from doin’ the same thing again, even if it meant bein’ the unkind one. ”
“Ye couldnae have told me that was what ye were doin’, so I didnae think that everyone despised me except for Kristen?” she asked with a half laugh.
“I wish that I had,” he replied, giving her a tight squeeze. “In truth, I wish I’d usurped him long ago. When Skye was born, I should’ve done it. I havenae been the faither she deserves for the same reason I wasnae the braither ye deserved.”
Ailis drew in a shaky breath. “Ye thought he’d hurt her?”
“Aye.” Murdock’s breath hitched. “When Moira died, he… congratulated me. Said I didnae want a wife who cannae bear sons anyway. I should’ve killed him then, for darin’ to say such a vile thing.”
Sorrow squeezed Ailis’s heart, thinking of Murdock’s wife, Moira.
Theirs had been an arranged marriage and had lasted just over a year, but in that one year, Ailis had seen a fondness between the couple.
Not an astounding love, but something quietly blossoming.
Then, childbirth had taken her, and though Murdock hadn’t shed a tear, Ailis had seen him grieve in the months afterward.
“We’ve both made mistakes,” she said, finally pulling back to look at him.
His eyes were glassy, a sad smile on his lips.
“Aye, I daresay we have, but ye bein’ born wasnae one of them.
I can see why Maither liked yer faither.
I always had.” He puffed out a breath. “But ye shouldnae make the mistake of stayin’ here, Ailis.
Ye should return with yer husband. Be the fine lady I ken ye’re wholly unsuited to be. ”
She tried to laugh at his jest, but the whinny of horses and the rattle of carriage wheels drew her attention.
Through the open doors, she saw the carriage lurch away.
She craned her neck to see where Killian was to no avail, and at that moment, she did not doubt that he was inside the carriage, heading back to Castle MacNairn without her.
“He’s better off without me,” she said softly. “We only got married because he wanted to protect me. With this peace between our clans, I daenae need his protection anymore. It seems he thought the same thing.”
Fresh tears pricked her eyes, prompting her to tilt her head up and blink furiously to hold them back. She wouldn’t cry over him when that was precisely what she had asked him to do. It wouldn’t be fair.
“Och, Ailis…” Murdock patted her back gently. “All will be well.”
She glanced up at him. “As long as the clan is content and everyone is safe, I ken it will be.” She cleared her throat. “Now, if ye’ll excuse me. I’m just goin’ to get some fresh air. When I return, I mean to sleep until tomorrow.”
“Do ye want an escort?” Murdock asked, worry creasing his brow.
Indeed, it was going to take Ailis some time to get used to this new version of her brother. She definitely preferred it, but it felt like she was meeting him for the first time.
“Nay, thank ye,” she replied, moving toward the doors. “And thank ye for bein’ the one to end this war, and for keepin’ me safe all these years, even though I didnae ken ye were.”
He smiled. “Ye’re welcome. I’m just sorry I had to behave that way toward ye.”
“To a new era?” she said, her heart cracking as, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the carriage pass through the gates and into the slowly lightening morning.
Murdock nodded. “To a new era.”
With that, Ailis headed outside with one destination in mind.
The sea wasn’t so far away from Castle Ainsley, a walk of a few miles or so—plenty of time to gather her thoughts and bury her feelings in the deepest recesses of her mind. And when she reached the sea, she meant to reclaim it from her nightmares, beginning afresh with those mercurial waters.
I daenae have Killian to teach me, but I can teach meself.
She had just made it down the steps to the courtyard, praying she would make it out of the gates before the tears came, when a voice stopped her in her tracks.
“And where do ye think ye’re goin’ by yerself on such a mornin’? Did ye nae hear me when I said I wouldnae be leavin’ yer side again?”