Chapter 17
Elspeth awoke the following day to a feeling of happiness, a feeling that was quickly overwhelmed by nausea.
She was a little disappointed to find that Finlay wasn’t there, but this time she did not take it personally.
It seemed as though he was used to a morning routine, and perhaps it was she who had to adjust to that rather than him making the concessions.
She breathed deeply and rubbed her stomach.
Perhaps last evening had not been the best idea considering her condition, but she wouldn’t have changed it for the world.
The closeness and the intimacy she shared with Finlay made the pleasure all the better, and she had never imagined that anything could feel as good as this.
In time the feelings subsided, and she rose from the bed. When she got downstairs, Elaine was there and handed her a letter. It was from Kilin, and Elspeth’s eyes sparkled when she tore open the letter, settling down to read it with breakfast.
Dear Elspeth,
I am writing to you on behalf of Aileen and Eoin.
I am also most curious about how you have adjusted to married life with my cousin.
I hope that he has not been too foul-tempered with you, and that you have gone some way to soften his rough edges.
I look forward to hearing your opinions on married life and any advice you may give.
Now that Finlay has been married, my father is making more efforts to find a husband for me.
He seems to think that if he does not find one soon I am going to shrivel up!
Having a husband will be exciting, but I fear that Father will make a quick choice rather than the right choice.
But no matter, there is time to talk of that later when you return to Kilin.
At least, I hope you will return. It is not quite the same without you here.
Eoin wants me to tell you that he misses you lots and that he’s been going on walks with Aileen, although she does not have the same stamina as you and needs to take many sitting breaks.
I have taken it upon myself to take him walking around the village and I am pleased to say that he is very knowledgeable about our home.
He is a well-mannered boy and, aside from some gloom that is only natural given what has happened, he is in good spirits.
He says that he thinks of you every day and that he looks up at the stars, just like you told him to.
As for Aileen, well, she is doing her best, but I do not think she is naturally suited to being a mother.
She has a harsh tongue, but she is keeping Eoin fed and making sure that he grows up with a good attitude.
I think she misses you more than she would admit.
Whenever I see her she always asks if we have had word from you, and she is always ready to share a memory of you. It must be nice to be loved that much.
I hope that this letter finds you well, and that you will consider returning to Kilin before I am married.
Your dear friend,
Islay
Elspeth read the letter again, smiling as she did so.
She was glad that Islay had taken it upon herself to spend time with Eoin.
It warmed her heart to think that Eoin wasn’t alone, as that was one of the hardest things about leaving.
It seemed strange that Islay would ask Elspeth for advice about marriage as she had always acted as though she knew everything about life, and it was always Elspeth looking to her for words of wisdom.
While receiving the letter was a boon to her mood, it was also bittersweet as it made her miss her home even more than usual.
But still, it increased her desire to return there and show everyone how much she had changed.
Perhaps she could get Finlay to have a word with his uncle on behalf of Islay, reminding him that it was important to make the right decision rather than a quick one, although Elspeth wasn’t sure how much credence that would have, given her own marriage was a quick one, and that had worked out well for everyone.
Even though Elspeth wasn’t feeling entirely well, she forced herself to go out into the courtyard and continue with her project.
As she mentioned to Finlay the previous morning, things were never going to be accomplished if she gave in to her fatigue and the other ills that plagued her body.
She got on her knees and began pulling away the weeds.
She hadn’t been doing it long when Abigail arrived.
She immediately got to her knees and helped Elspeth.
“Ye seem happy taeday,” Abigail said.
“Oh, I am. Finlay and I haed a wonderful night last night,” Elspeth said. Abigail gave her a knowing look and smiled warmly. Elspeth thought a moment and then asked, “Abigail, when did ye know that ye loved Ian?”
Abigail blew out her cheeks and placed her hands on her thighs.
“I suppose in a way I knew from the first time I saw him, but I suppose the first time I became aware of it was when he was taken. That’s when I realized how much he meant tae me.
I thought I haed lost a part of me, and even though I didnae want tae think about it, I haed tae consider the possibility that he was never gaeing tae return.
I didnae know what I was gaeing tae dae.
I couldnae sleep, I couldnae eat. I wasnae good tae anyone.
I realized then that he had become a part of my life, as important tae me as anything else, and I knew for sure that I didnae want tae live without him.
Oh, aye, before he left, I was getting agitated for him tae ask me tae get married, but it was more because I thought that’s what we were supposed tae dae.
But when there was the chance that he would never come back tae me…
that’s when I knew I wanted tae marry him because I wanted tae spend the rest of my life with him, nay matter how long that was. ”
Elspeth nodded in understanding. She thought she had broached that moment with Finlay, and now she felt silly for not having told him what was on her mind. There was nothing to be ashamed about, and nothing that she should feel hesitant about. She was certain that he would be pleased.
They tended to the garden and chatted idly about other matters.
It was nice speaking with Abigail as it gave Elspeth the chance to forget about all the things she had been through.
Elspeth mentioned the letter and spoke about Kilin, but then at some point, she became faint, and her face paled.
She clutched her stomach again and breathed in deeply.
“Are ye well?” Abigail asked.
Elspeth shook her head. “I think it’s some effect of what happened. I hae been feeling nauseous these past few mornings, and there are times when my body aches all over. I’ve been waiting for it tae stop, but it doesnae seem tae be.”
Abigail had a thoughtful look on her face. “Elspeth, can I ask ye a personal question?” Elspeth nodded. “When was the last time ye bled?”
“Well, it was…” Elspeth thought, and then a horrified look came upon her face.
While Aileen hadn’t been the most open about these things, she had given Elspeth a rudimentary understanding of biology.
“I suppose it’s been a wee while,” she said with dismay as different thoughts careened through her mind.
“It could just be the weight of everything that happened, but ye should come with me. I think we should see what’s really gaeing on.”
Abigail took Elspeth’s hand and led her to the kitchen.
She ordered the servants to fetch a number of ingredients; some of the herbs were things that Elspeth had never heard of.
Once they had all been gathered, Abigail set to work at making some kind of concoction.
Elspeth could only hope that it would taste better than the last one.
Abigail explained that this was an old remedy passed down through the generations, and it could reveal without fail whether a woman was with child or not.
It had something to do with taste; if a woman was with child then the drink tasted sweet; if she was without, it tasted bitter.
Elspeth didn’t know if she was glad or not when she tasted the drink, and sweetness filled her mouth.
She took another sip, and the same taste was present, settling on her tongue.
Her features became pinched as Abigail looked at her expectantly.
“Well?” she prompted.
“It’s sweet…” Elspeth said in a hollow voice. Abigail clapped her hands together and hugged Elspeth. She was effusive in her happiness until she realized that Elspeth wasn’t joining in.
“What’s wrong?” Abigail asked. Elspeth took a few moments to answer her.
In her mind, she was a child again, looking into the bedroom to see her mother’s sheets stained with blood, the lifeless body not having been able to withstand the rigors of childbirth.
Elspeth was so lost in the past that Abigail had to shake her back to the present.
Elspeth rose and walked out to the courtyard, wanting to be among nature and have some fresh air.
Her footsteps were stilted, and her arms were locked by her side.
Tears ringed her eyes as she bent down and resumed working on the garden.
She pulled up weeds and felt the satisfying shredding sound as she uprooted them from the ground.
Abigail stood over her. Elspeth was aware of her presence, but she wasn’t quite sure what Abigail wanted her to say.
“Elspeth, what’s wrong?” she asked gently. “I thought having a child was a blessing? Ye dinnae hae tae worry if ye arenae ready. It’s a lot tae process, but I’m sure ye will get used tae it. It’s a natural part of life.”
“It’s nae a blessing tae everyone,” Elspeth said in a dry, dark voice. She choked back a sob. Sniffing, she bowed her head and pinched the bridge of her nose, clamping her eyes shut to try and prevent the tears from seeping out.
“What dae ye mean?”
Elspeth went on to explain about her mother and the horrors she had witnessed.
Abigail listened in silence. When Elspeth was done, Abigail sank to her knees and placed an arm around Elspeth’s shoulders.
As soon as this happened, the sorrow became too much to bear, and it all poured out of Elspeth.
She buried her head against Abigail’s shoulder while wailing sobs filled the courtyard.
“Ye are fine, lass, ye are fine.”
“I’m nae fine. I dinnae want the same thing tae happen tae me. What if…what if…” She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.
“It wilnae happen, lass. Childbirth is a risky thing, but it’s nae certain that would happen tae ye. Plenty of children are born without any trouble at all. Look at yerself...yer ma must have been well after ye were born.”
“I cannae stop thinking about it.”
“Hae ye told Finlay about this?”
Elspeth shook her head. It was the only secret she had from him. “I wasnae sure he would understand. I thought we would hae more time tae talk about children.”
Abigail snorted with laughter. “When a child wants tae be born, there’s naething that can stop it.
Ye should talk tae Finlay. I know it wilnae make ye feel better, but the child is coming, and there is naething ye can dae about that.
What happened tae yer ma is nae guaranteed tae happen tae ye.
Try and make peace with it and enjoy it.
This is something wonderful. Ye should be happy.
Ye should celebrate. Ye hae a life growing inside ye.
It’s one of the most wonderful things in the world.
Ye are gaeing tae hae a wee laird or a wee lady growing inside ye; think about how much happiness ye are gaeing tae share with them. ”
But Elspeth couldn’t yet bring herself to be completely happy.
She offered Abigail a smile and pretended that her words had had a soothing effect, but deep down, Elspeth was still troubled.
She cradled her stomach and wondered if what was growing inside her would end up killing her.
She wasn’t ready to die yet. Anxiety filled her heart, and all she wanted was to speak with Finlay and be held in his arms because he always made everything better, but Finlay was out hunting again, and he would not be back for a while.
Elaine had told Elspeth that Finlay declared he wanted to hunt the biggest animal he could find as a tribute to his beautiful wife, and he would not return until he had found one worthy of her.
Abigail and Elspeth spent a little more time in the courtyard until they grew tired.
Abigail was concerned about Elspeth’s condition and suggested they move inside to do something more rigorous.
Elspeth had little energy to refuse. Abigail made sure that Elspeth had something to eat and drink.
They went to the sewing room, where Abigail suggested they start making a blanket for the baby, no doubt hoping that working on a project like this would dispel the gloom that had settled in Elspeth’s mind.
Elspeth remained quiet. She knew she was being a poor host, but she could not seem to wrench her mind from the past. She gazed out of the window, longing for Finlay’s return, but she grew fatigued before he returned and fell asleep.
Abigail draped a blanket over her, and Elspeth let her worries slip away into slumber for a few hours.
All she needed was to talk to Finlay. He would make everything alright again.
He was her refuge, her safety, and when she was with him, she had nothing to fear.
Elspeth was roused from her sleep a little while later. She awoke, stunned, and groggy. Abigail was shaking her awake, her face stricken with fear.
“There’s been a fire!” Abigail shrieked, her face a mask of dread.