Chapter 20 - Hazel
I rode the elevator down feeling like more of a failure than I already was. I knew that I was to blame for the attack and all those deaths. I ached to turn back time and fix what happened, but there was no way to do so.
I heard the elevator ding, and I stepped off onto the main floor. I headed out the door and down the street. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to get home, but I knew I needed to leave. I didn’t want to listen to his father go on and on about how I was the reason everyone was dead.
I walked down the street, feeling my head spinning. I kept seeing the deaths of the guys playing over and over in my head. I couldn’t forget their screams of pain or the sight of their blood being spilled. It would haunt me for the rest of my life.
I arrived home and threw my shoes aside. I was on my way up the stairs when I heard the front door open and shut. “There you are! I have been looking for you.”
I turned as Asher came inside, looking out of breath. His hair was a mess, and he looked panicked.
I chewed on my cheek, feeling that self-pity kicking in. “I don’t…”
“Why did you leave?” he asked, shaking his head. “I was taking a stand and putting things in place, and you just left. You were the one who told me you wanted me to stand up and not let my father tell me what to do. I was doing that. And you....you just left. You didn’t even let me finish.”
“He wasn’t even listening to you. Your father wasn’t taking anything you said into consideration.”
“You didn’t even give me a chance to get a hold of the situation.”
I sighed, having no energy left in me. I felt like I’d been fighting and trying to be understood, and I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to fight. “I’m tired, Asher.”
“No. You’re not running off. Talk to me. Make me understand why we couldn’t stand together as a team. I thought that was what we both wanted. I thought that was what you wanted.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to fight, Asher.
I’m exhausted. I don’t want to go into your folks’ house and have to fight more than I already do.
I am already fighting to feel like I deserve to be here.
I am constantly trying to fight to prove I’m a witch and that I can help.
I feel like a failure enough of the time, so I don’t need help feeling worse.
” I sighed, rubbing at my eyes. “I’m tired of fighting. ”
He moved closer. “I want us to stand together. Don’t you want that? I thought we both wanted that.”
Did I? Did I want him to have to fight right alongside me?
Watching all of those people crying over the people they love.
Watching them lose someone so important without being able to say goodbye.
I didn’t know heartache like that. Of course, I wanted to stand together with him.
Asher made me feel safe and like I was seen for who I was.
I knew deep down it wouldn’t be easy to step away from him.
But after the way his father reacted, I didn’t know if we would ever be able to stand together.
Last night was proof that I would always be seen as the villain.
My nightmares made a connection to the darkness, and that made me dangerous.
His father would never accept us. I knew his father was making connections in town, and people would agree with him.
It would only be a matter of time before people would start thinking I had brainwashed him or that he was just as dangerous as I was. I couldn’t allow that. I wouldn’t let them tear him down to. That was another type of torture.
He moved closer, and his hands reached out to cup my face. “Hazel, I don’t want you to feel like you have to fight for this. That’s why I’m trying to do it. So, just tell me what you want. How can I help?”
I wanted things to be easier. I didn’t want to feel like I was constantly having to prove that I was a person, too. That I had feelings and emotions. I wanted to belong.
But I couldn’t say that. “I want to sleep.” It wasn’t a lie. I was exhausted. We’d been up since the early hours, and I was trying so hard just to stay standing.
I could see the hurt cross his face. He knew there was more, but I wasn’t telling. He moved closer, his body pressing against mine. “Is that all? You just want to sleep?”
I stared into his eyes, finding it so different from what it was before. When I looked at Asher, I used to wonder how I would spend time with him. He always seemed so cold and emotionless, but I could see what was underneath his mask. There was so much more to him.
I nodded. “It’s been a long day.”
His forehead pressed against mine. “I’m sorry. About all of this. I should have listened to you when you said it wasn’t a good idea. This is not on you.”
I could hear his words, he said to his father. He thought it was on him. “You all agreed to go. So, it’s not just on you either.”
He kissed my forehead and leaned back. “Are you going upstairs?” I could see the hope in his eyes. His fingers were tight on my hips.
“I don’t want to get in the way of your sleep. You need your rest, and I seemed to be wrong that sleeping with you helped me sleep better.”
“Screw my sleep,” he inhaled, his lips pressing against my forehead.
I let him pull me down the hallway to his bedroom. I watched him throw the sheets up, and we both crawled under them. The house went silent as he wrapped his arms around me, tugging me back against him.
I felt him kiss the back of my neck, his breath tickling my hair. I could feel him relax, and tears burned in my eyes. I loved how safe and right this felt. And it hurt to even think about leaving.
I don’t know how long I lay there being helped by him. I stared at the wall, taking in the few pictures he had hung. I would miss looking at his photography. I was going to miss listening to his stories and watching his eyes light up when he spoke.
We wouldn’t be taking the trip together. And we wouldn’t be sharing a future.
I wiped away a few tears and looked over my shoulder. Asher was deep in his sleep. His face was relaxed, and his body was limp against me. I moved slowly, sliding forward. I felt his fingers slip from my hip as I got to my feet.
I turned, looking at him, wanting to remember his face. I knew that he was going to be hurt at first. He wasn’t going to understand why I was doing this. But over time, he would move on. The thought of me would slowly disappear, and he would find someone else.
It would be a relief for him in the end. He didn’t need to worry about protecting me. He wouldn’t have to fight for his family to approve of me, or lose them. He would move on.
I slipped out of the room and headed down the hallway.
I made my way up the stairs and slid into my room.
I opened my closet and grabbed a few things.
I grabbed a small bag and stuffed them inside.
I turned around, snagging the pictures on my nightstand.
I didn’t bother with the money or the keys. I wouldn’t need them.
I made my way back down the stairs and slipped on my boots. I pulled on my jacket and took a look around the house. This place that I had thought for a moment would be mine. This marriage was fake, but it hadn’t felt fake in a while.
I slipped outside and headed down the sidewalk. I walked slowly, wiping away tears as I walked.
I knew leaving was the best answer for everyone. My connection with the others wasn’t safe. It was clear that they must have seen me in the dream. How else did they know that we would be going there?
It was better this way. I was protecting the pack by leaving. They could stay in the barrier, and the hybrids wouldn’t be able to touch them.
I could see the woods in the distance, and my stomach flipped at the idea of going into the woods alone. After everything I saw, I knew just how south this could go. But I couldn’t think about myself. I needed to think about everyone.
I pulled the bag tighter and stopped as I got to the edge of the woods. I could hear the wind howl, and the trees swayed. I felt every hair on my body raise, and I swallowed.
“You have to go,” I whispered to myself. “This is better for everyone.”
I couldn’t stomach more dying because of a bad call.
I headed forward, holding my head high as I walked. I moved quietly, watching where I stepped. I didn’t want Asher to be able to track me. I knew he would. His first thought would be to come out here and look for me.
I didn’t want him to follow. I wanted him to hit a dead end and be forced to turn back. I wanted him to stay safe in the barrier.
I walked where there was no snow and zigzagged. I went up a hill and down. I was tired, but I forced my feet to keep moving.
I tried to stay focused, knowing that when you get into your head, you don’t notice what’s happening around you. But my mind wandered back to Asher.
I could imagine how it all happened. He would wake up and find the bed empty. He would search through the house and find it quiet. He’d be hurt at first and then angry. He’d search for me, but he wouldn’t find me. I was making sure of that.
He will be angry for a while. Question why I did it, why I didn’t tell him. He’d be heartbroken and unable to trust people.
Time would pass, and he would move on. He’ll find a new woman, someone who will laugh at his jokes and travel the world with him.
She will be patient and stand by his side.
His parents will adore her because she’s worthy of him.
They will share the same taste in music and find out they are pregnant.
He will have the wedding he deserves. He will cry when she walks down the aisle, and his heart will heal. He will have a big family, filled with laughter and love. A beautiful wife who will understand his past. He will have children who will look like a blend of him and her.
My heart ached at the thought, but I quickly shook my head. He deserved to move on and find someone. It would be selfish of me to hope he suffered.
I came over a clearing and stared into the trees. It seemed like it never ended. I didn’t even know where I was going or how far I had gotten. I was just going to keep walking, moving forward until I felt I got far enough.
I didn’t know what my future looked like. I just knew that I was starting over again. I’d have to find a new place to live and a new job. I wouldn’t have Gabriella to lean on. I’d miss her.
I froze when I heard a snapping to the left of me. I turned as I watched a figure come out from the darkness. I knew that it wasn’t Asher. I would have heard him sooner.
The person moved closer, and my heart stopped beating as I knew the face. It was the same face from my nightmares. His pure white hair and his height. His fangs popped out from his lips, and I felt a coldness settle over the space.
“Well, look who it is.” His eyes trailed over me, like he wasn’t sure if I was real or not.
I swallowed, taking a step back. I felt my heart racing. I had nowhere I could run, which meant I would have to fight.
He took a step closer, and I took two back. He smirked. “You can’t disappear like all the other times.”
So, he had seen me. Shit.
He lunged, and I turned and ran for it. I could hear him following me, and I felt my magic simmering just beneath my fingertips. I could feel the heat of it and turned, throwing it back toward him. I watched him skid to a stop, the flash of light slamming past him. I missed.
He kept coming, moving faster, and I threw another at him.
I fumbled, falling to the ground. He lunged at me, his hands grabbing at my shoulders, shoving me hard into the ground.
I pulled my hands up, feeling the tingling once more.
My hands shook as the magic built up. I stared at him, watching as it spewed out of my hands, right into him.
I watched as his face shifted from anger into fear.
The magic grabbed hold of him, and he yelled out in pain. I forced the magic forward.