Chapter 14 Nora
NORA
Poppy: Want to get lunch?
Nora: I’d love to. Where do you want to meet?
Poppy: The Leaf & Latte
Irise from my seat and grab my bag, then lift my coat from the hook outside Nate’s office. I don’t disturb him as he’s in a meeting.
“Louise, can you tell Nate I’ve gone to meet a friend for lunch?”
“Of course, Nora.” She makes a note on her desk pad and waves goodbye.
Outside, the first autumn leaves rustle at my feet. A breeze swirls around me, lifting my dress above my knee, but despite the wind, my body is on fire from last night. With each step I take towards the café, I feel the ghost of Evan, as if he’s branded me from the inside.
It didn’t last long, but it’s probably the hottest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I clutch my bag in one hand, my other pressed flat against my stomach as my coat drapes over my arm.
A flutter in my belly sends tingles to my core.
A part of Evan was inside me. Maybe still inside me. I could be pregnant right now.
My chest balloons, my feet bounce on the pavement, my body lighter than ever before as if I’m walking on a fluffy cloud.
The wind lifts my dress again, and for a second I’m not on the high street at all.
I’m on campus, clutching my sketchbook to my chest as I stroll back to our shared accommodation.
“Hey, doodles.”
I flinch as Evan jogs up beside me, gripping a rucksack over one shoulder. He pushes his black-framed glasses up his nose, a grin tugging at his mouth.
“Hi.” I search for his friend, Nate. Usually where one is, the other isn’t far behind, but today he’s solo.
We both continue towards our accommodation in silence. Goose bumps prickle on my skin. I’ve not spoke to Evan much, but Nate finds any excuse to be around when I’m cooking, even going as far as reorganising the spice rack or cleaning the toaster.
“Did you want something?” I clutch my sketchbook tighter to my chest.
“No, just thought I’d walk back with you. Seemed weird walking behind when we live in the same building.” He rakes a hand through his messy black hair and quirks his lips into a smile. “You doing anything tonight?”
I furrow my brow. I know he doesn’t like me. He mocks me every chance he gets, calling me doodles or pointing out where I can improve my drawing, so his latest line of questioning is strange.
“Nothing that involves you.”
“Cold.” He silently laughs. “A few of us are going to the student bar tonight for karaoke.”
“You sing?” I raise an eyebrow and stop at the front door of our building.
“Better than that bohemian guitar enthusiast boyfriend of yours.”
“We’re not dating anymore.”
“Thank fuck for that,” he mutters. “The walls in this place might finally recover.”
“He wasn’t that loud with his guitar.”
“He wasn’t that good either.”
We both laugh as Evan pushes the door open.
He follows me into the kitchen as I grab the brownies in the fridge that I made yesterday.
There are three left with a Post-it note on the plate.
My stomach flips. “Was this you?” I hold the plate in my hand and the note in the other.
Evan leans in, reads it, then smirks. “Not me.” He stretches past me, snags a brownie anyway. “But I won’t say no.”
Before I can protest, he’s already halfway out of the kitchen.
I read the note again, my lips twitching.
A mystery brownie admirer.
Poppy waits at the door to the café, her red curls blowing in the wind like autumn leaves falling from a tree. “Nora, how are you?” She opens her arms as I quicken my pace and give her a hug.
“I have so much to tell you.” My heart races, unsure how much I should say out loud, but I’m ready to burst. I need to tell someone, and none of my other friends would understand, especially as they’re all too close with Nate and Evan.
But with Poppy, we bonded over our infertility as we kept bumping into each other at the clinic.
If anyone will understand our desperation, it’s her.
Her red hair tickles my face, her perfume catching in my nose. “Me too. We’re long overdue a catch-up.” She hooks her arm through mine and pulls me into the café. “They do the best brie and cranberry panini here.”
“Ooh, sounds yum. I’ll have one of those.” I drape my coat over the back of a wooden chair in a quiet corner of the café and sit at the small table for two. We both order food and drinks.
“So what’s your news?” Poppy says, her smile pushing her freckled cheeks up.
“You go first,” I say, hoping she has some good news. Like me, she deserves it after years of her and Dom struggling to conceive.
“The fertility clinic said there’s no reason we can’t get pregnant. Apart from my weight.” She leans back in the chair and folds her arms across her chest.
“Ugh.” I roll my eyes. “If I hear another doctor blame weight again, I’m going to scream.”
“That’s what Dom said. He kicked off in the doctor’s office. I had to calm him down.” A smile unfurls her ruby lips as if she’s recalling the memory. “We’re going to Italy for a second opinion and paying privately. He has some contacts, and they take patients with higher BMIs.”
My eyes swell with unshed tears. “Poppy, that’s great news. I’m so happy for you. That there’s nothing medically wrong is also good, but it must be really frustrating at the same time.”
“Yeah, I almost wish they found a problem so at least we could fix it, but things are looking positive for us at least.” She dabs a finger under her lashes with a smile, and I hand her a tissue from my bag and use one for myself.
“Look at us.” I laugh. “We’re two emotional wrecks.” I dab under my eyes so I don’t ruin my eye makeup.
The server interrupts our laughter as she slides two teas onto the table. The aroma spirals around us, wrapping me in comfort.
“Soooo…” Poppy picks up the teacup and blows on the hot drink. “What’s your news? I saw Nate at the clinic a few weeks ago with another man, and I’ve been meaning to message you ever since, but I’ve so much on at the dance studio.”
I sip my tea with a secret smile playing on my lips.
Despite my desire to tell her everything, I hardly know her, aside from the brief times we’ve met for coffee and spoken in the fertility clinic’s waiting area.
I think we hit it off, both being plus-size.
A friendly face who knows the trials and tribulations of wanting a baby and the pressures that come with that, and being overweight.
“You have a secret. You’re smiling like the Mona Lisa.” She waves her hand in my direction. “Spill the tea.”
With a tremble in my hand, I place my cup down before I actually spill my tea. “Have you ever had more than one man?”
Poppy’s green eyes widen. “Are you kidding? Dom would murder anyone who even glanced in my direction.”
“I don’t doubt it. He’s intense.” My chest is about to pop if I don’t get this out.
“You know Nate was diagnosed with azoospermia. Well, his best friend—our friend—has offered to be a sperm donor.” Saying it all out loud doesn’t sound too crazy.
It sounds perfectly normal until I think about the next part.
“That’s so wonderful of him. What a great friend.” Poppy’s interrupted when the server brings our lunch.
The melted brie oozes out of the panini onto the plate, and my mouth waters.
“So, what’s the next stage?” Poppy says before biting into her toasted panini.
My core clenches at the memory of last night. “We were gonna try to do it ourselves. You know, to save money and the stress of finding a clinic to take us on with my BMI being high.”
Poppy nods, tearing off another bite of her panini.
I bite into my own, cranberry sauce dripping onto the plate. “Nate even bought a home insemination kit.”
We both giggle, covering our mouths full of food.
“A friend of mine had an insemination party.” She taps her red nails against the table as she chews down another bite. “In fact, there’s a movie about it.” She swallows and pulls her phone from her purse. “I can’t remember the name.”
I cover her hand with mine. “We’ve moved past insemination parties.”
Her eyes twinkle with mischief.
“Last night we had a little party of our own. Just the three of us, finished off with Chinese food.”
Poppy freezes as if her body is giving her brain a minute to catch up. She swallows. “Hang on.” She sets her panini down. “When you say party…”
Heat crawls up my neck. My fingers curl around my cup, grounding myself in the warmth. “I mean… it wasn’t planned. It just… happened.”
“With the DIY kit?” She raises an eyebrow, her cheeks glowing as hot as mine feel.
“Not exactly.” I wince, my toes scrunching in my shoes. “We skipped that step and did it the old-fashioned way.”
“Oh my gosh.” She slaps a hand over her mouth. “I need all the sordid details. What was it like?”
I lower my head and whisper across the table. “Incredible, embarrassing, wonderful, terrifying.” My voice drops. “We’ve crossed a line we can’t uncross.” I press my palm to my stomach, the habit already ingrained. “But now I don’t feel empty. I’m hopeful. And that scares me more than anything.”
Poppy nods. “Hope’s a dangerous thing when you’ve been disappointed like we have.”
“Exactly.” My eyes sting. “I don’t know if I can survive getting my hopes up again. But I also don’t know how to keep living without it.”
She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “You’re not stupid for wanting this, Nora. You’re human.”
“I keep thinking about my body,” I admit.
“About how everyone keeps telling me it’s the problem.
Too big. Too much. Like if I could just shrink myself enough, everything would fall into place.
” My laugh is shallow. “Last night with both of them, and the solution we came up with was the first time I didn’t feel like a problem that needed fixing. ”
Poppy’s grip tightens. “You’re not the problem.”
“I didn’t hesitate when he said take off your knickers. I wanted it so bad,” I whisper. “Does it make me a terrible wife? A desperate woman?”
She snorts. “It makes you someone trying to survive infertility with the tools you have.” Her eyes flick up to mine. “And it sounds like Nate’s choosing this with you. You said it was a party for three?”
I nod and swallow. “He was there, touching me.”
Poppy lifts a menu and fans herself. “Nora, I’m burning up.”
I cover my heated cheeks with my palms. “I’ve been on fire since last night. It feels good to get it out and tell someone. I’ve been ready to explode all day.”
“If I’d known lunch was gonna be this hot, I’d have had an iced tea.” She giggles, still wafting the menu over her face.
My shoulders relax as I laugh along with her. “I’m so glad I told you. I wasn’t sure if you’d judge me or not.”
“Are you kidding?” She seems to find that funnier than anything I’ve said so far.
“I think it’s because we don’t know each other all that well, but maybe that’s why I find it so easy to talk to you.”
“If you knew me, you’d know I’m the last person to judge anyone.
” She lowers her voice and leans over the table.
“I have a few secrets of my own.” Her lips lift at the corner.
“I mean, nothing like this, of course. When I was a barmaid, a guy only had to accidentally touch me and Dom would threaten to break his fingers.” She smiles again, pushing her cheeks up.
The twinkle in her eyes is back like emeralds glistening in the afternoon sun.
“More like family secrets. So never be afraid to talk to me. Plus, now I’m gonna need a weekly update. This is better than any soap opera.”
I can’t stop the smile from spreading on my face. “We should give each other weekly updates.”
“Deal.” Poppy holds her hand out, and we shake on it.
Flowers bloom in my chest, despite the summer coming to an end. This is a new season. A new chapter. A terrifying, wonderful feeling spreads in my belly, mixed with new beginnings of friendship and love, and as I place my hand on my round stomach again, I silently pray for my miracle.