Chapter 29 Nate
NATE
Evan pulls the van onto the grass verge in front of the house, my car and Nora’s already crammed in the driveway. The last ten minutes have been quiet and awkward as fuck—both of us hard, no Nora between us to break the tension.
Now we’re home, I hope Nora can handle what I’ve got planned. And please let that bottle of fertility-friendly lube still be in date. Does lube even have a sell-by date?
I push the front door open, already picturing the three of us naked.
Nora’s in the kitchen, her knee-length dress floating around her legs as she spins to face me with a smile on her face and a spoon in her hand.
“Upstairs. Clothes off. Now.”
Her face drops, her eyes widen, and she freezes, sauce dripping from the spoon onto the floor. “Nate, your parents are here.”
“What?” Blood drains from my face as I turn in slow motion. My mum and dad stare back at me with raised eyebrows.
Mum tightens her grip on her handbag clasped in her lap. “Are we interrupting something?”
“Your parents stopped by.” Nora spins around with flaming cheeks and places the spoon back in the chilli sauce.
Evan places his hands on my shoulder with an awkward laugh. “He means me. I haven’t showered or changed since the refit at work.”
Mum lets out a breath. Dad just peers at me over his mug of tea like I’ve cracked a joke he doesn’t understand.
I exhale, thankful for the lifeline. “Yeah, you stink. I can’t bear to smell you any longer.”
Mum sniffs the air. “I don’t smell anything.” This is a woman who could win gold if smelling was an Olympic sport and usually finds something to turn her nose up at.
“Consider yourself lucky. You haven’t had to sit next to him in the van.”
Evan holds his hands up. “Okay, I’m gonna take a shower. I got the message.” He turns his back to my parents and winks at Nora before disappearing up the stairs, and I slide behind the island to my wife, hoping nobody noticed my boner.
“I missed you,” I whisper in her ear and kiss her cheek.
She smiles, busying herself with dinner. “How was the meeting?”
“Good. I’ll tell you all about it later.” I steal a nacho from the bowl and turn to my parents. “What’s the occasion?”
“We haven’t heard from you in a while. We wanted to drop in and see you both. And Nora asked if we wanted to stay for dinner.”
I steal another nacho. “Of course she did.”
“She’s far too good to us,” Mum says, smiling warmly as Nora dishes up the food.
“Nora said you’ve been in London for the last two days,” Dad says as he leans back in the chair at the large oak kitchen table.
“There was a marketing conference, and I met a client while I was down there.”
“But Evan didn’t go?” Mum’s eyebrows pull inwards as if wondering why Ev’s here.
“Nah, he’s been at the lakes overseeing a refit for a restaurant up there.”
“So business is going well?” Dad drums his fingers against the table.
He tries to take an interest in what I do, but neither of them understand it.
I’m not a doctor or a policeman, or a soldier like my brother.
So when I said I want to work in marketing, it wasn’t a proper job because they didn’t get it.
At least they can take comfort that I won’t be coming home from work in a coffin like my brother the hero.
“It’s going great.” I open a can of beer and offer my dad one.
“Peter, you’re not drinking on a school night.” Mum is like a teacher scolding her pupil.
I chuckle. “You’re not at school, are you, Dad?”
He waves a hand as if reluctantly shooing the beer away. “I’m fine with my cup of tea, son.”
Mum folds her arms on the table in a huff. “You really should watch your weight, Nathaniel. You’re getting…” Mum’s eyes rake over me. “…stocky.”
“Stocky?” I chuckle again, the extra weight on my torso shaking as if agreeing with her.
“I like his chunk,” Nora says from the kitchen island. “He’s cuddly.”
“Alcohol doesn’t help sperm quality.” And there it is, the real reason she’s so concerned with my wellbeing. I wish I’d never told her we were trying a few years ago. She’s been like a dog with a bone ever since.
Evan reappears, freshly showered, wearing my joggers and a t-shirt. Mum assesses him, probably wondering why he’s here and how often.
“Dinner is served.” Nora flits around the table, topping up drinks, soaking in the normality of family, something she was starved of growing up.
Mum gives her an approving smile. “I’ve been praying every night for you.”
Nora’s eyes shine. “That means so much.”
Evan goes still beside me.
Dad nods. “After everything we lost with your brother… we’re due some blessings.” He smiles at Nora. “Have faith.”
My jaw locks.
Mum dabs her lips with a napkin. “It’s important, Nathan. Carrying on the family. Especially now.”
I take a slow breath. Count to three. Do not speak. Now is not the time to tell them I’m barren. And it’s certainly not the time to tell them about Ev.
Evan takes a handful of cheesy nachos from the centre dish. “This is delicious, Nora.”
“I have some recipes for you, dear.” Mum stoops down and pulls several A5 books from her handbag. “They’re all healthy recipes for slimming down.”
Nora smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She takes the books. “Thank you. I’ll have a look.”
“A friend of mine is on those weight-loss injections. She looks fabulous.” Mum lifts her fork to her mouth, delicately eating in small mouthfuls.
“Nora already looks fabulous, Mum.” I slide my hand under the table and squeeze her fleshy thigh. “She doesn’t need to be taking any injections or watching what she eats.”
Mum shrugs. “I just thought it might help with the—”
“There’s nothing wrong with Nora’s ability to conceive. The doctor confirmed it. Maybe you should pray harder?”
“So tell me about London,” Evan says, trying to change the subject.
“I have loads of stuff from the conference. I’ll show you tomorrow.”
“What about the meeting at the art studio?”
“Mark and Michael were great. They want a rebrand, and they’re opening a new studio in Surrey, near Michael’s parents.” I fork more of my chilli into my mouth. “They’re moving out there permanently with their kids and letting their staff run the London studio.”
“Their kids? Mark and Michael?” Mum raises her brow.
“Yes, they’re married. Two kids. I don’t know if they adopted or used a surrogate. Didn’t like to pry.”
Her fork pauses mid-air. “Oh.” She smiles, thin and polite. “Well. Children do need… structure.”
Nora glances between us.
Evan cracks his fingers.
“They seemed happy,” I say, taking another nacho and crunching it a little too aggressively.
“I’m sure,” Mum replies. “I just hope the children get the right guidance from the grandparents.”
Everyone goes quiet.
Nora reaches for my hand under the table.
I squeeze back, clenching my jaw as I chew, forcing the chilli down even though my appetite’s gone.
After two days away, the last thing I want to do is listen to my mother get on her moral high ground.
I want to be upstairs with Nora and Evan, naked and laughing, the world reduced to the three of us.
Mum leans back in her chair, folding her napkin with careful precision. “Well, everyone chooses their own path. We’re all sinners in our own way.”
Evan shifts in his chair. He’s always been a little sensitive, bullied at school, the word gay hurled at him like a derogatory term, even though he’s not. Just more sensitive than the rest of us.
I set my fork down. “Mum.”
She feigns innocence or ignorance. Maybe both. “What?”
I crumple the napkin next to my plate. “Loving another man is not a sin.”
Dad clears his throat like he always does when he knows she’s crossed a line but won’t call it out himself. “Your mother just worries about what’s best for the children.”
Mum presses her lips together. “A child needs a mother and a father. Not two fathers. It’s just confusing.”
Nora’s hand tightens in mine.
Even stares at his chilli, moving his fork around like he’s hunting out all the kidney beans.
The hope I had built in my chest bleeds out. These people, my flesh and blood, will never understand what we’re doing. They won’t accept Evan as our baby’s dad, or maybe it’s me they won’t accept. Evan will be the real father after all. I’m just an observer.
Little Leo certainly didn’t seem to be lacking in love. Mark’s pride. Michael’s laugh when their kid barrelled through the studio like he owned the place. The way he was able to get creative with the dinosaur stickers without being chastised.
Our child will grow up surrounded by people who love it. Family is not biology or doctrine. It’s love. I look at the two people at my side. It’s them. Nora and Evan. It’s always been them.
The table is silent. Like my heart, shattered by the two people who should love me unconditionally, but all I get from them is judgement.
“Anyway, I heard you were playing rugby again, Evan,” Dad says, as if trying to lighten the mood with sport.
It works. Evan stops staring at his food and talks to my dad about the game.
I smile and nod along, not really listening.
I’m torn between wanting what my heart desires and wanting to please my parents.
Living in my brother’s shadow, I’ve near been able to meet their righteous expectations, and this is just another time I’ve let them down.
They don’t know about my condition, but hopefully Nora and I can still give them a grandchild.
But will they still be able to love it like their own?