Chapter 57 Evan
EVAN
The automatic doors swoosh open, and the antiseptic smell hits my nose. “I need help,” I shout, holding Nora upright. “She’s pregnant and she’s bleeding.”
A midwife appears at the door of the maternity ward, pushing a wheelchair towards us. “Okay, honey, let’s get you sitting down.”
Nora clings tighter to my shirt. “Don’t leave me.” Her eyes plead with me as if I’m gonna just go now that I’ve dropped her off. I’m a fucking arsehole.
“I’m right here,” I say, taking her hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“How many weeks?” the nurse asks, already steering us onto the ward.
My brain stalls. Weeks. Numbers. Think.
“Sixteen,” Nora says. “Nearly sixteen.”
The nurse nods. “Any pain?”
“Cramps like period pain,” Nora whispers, her fingers curling around mine hard enough to hurt. But I welcome the pain. Lord knows I fucking deserve it.
We move through double doors. Bright lights hurt my eyes.
Machines beep, phones ring in the distance.
The midwife asks Nora more questions and helps her onto a bed.
Another midwife gets a Doppler and places it on her belly.
The heartbeat sounds through the device, and my shoulders relax.
Tears sting my eyes, and I hold Nora as she whimpers out a sigh of relief.
“There’s a strong heartbeat.” The midwife straps a band around her waist and hooks her up to a machine. “We’re going to monitor the heartbeat for a while, and then we’ll get you down for some scans, okay?”
Nora nods as another lady takes her blood pressure, clips something onto her finger, and asks more questions I barely hear because I’m listening to the steady beep of our baby's heart, soothing my nerves.
I should never have left. My lungs feel too small. I’ve caused all this stress to her and our baby. I don’t deserve either of them. What the fuck was I thinking? My kid isn’t even born yet, and I already abandoned it. I’m the shittiest parent in the world.
“Sir?”
I look up at the midwife, adjusting my glasses.
“I said are you the father?”
Nora holds her breath.
I place my hand on her belly above the strap. “Yes. Yes, I am.” Stay calm. She needs calm right now, not some idiot having a mental breakdown.
Another midwife pulls the curtain aside. “We’ll get you in for a scan as soon as we can,” she says. “Bleeding in pregnancy can happen for lots of reasons, so try not to panic.”
Is she telling me not to panic, or Nora? I nod like I understand, like I’m functioning, but my ears are ringing.
The midwife pours water into a small plastic cup. “Here, have a drink. You’ll need a full bladder for the scan.”
“Thank you,” Nora says, taking the cup and drinking, eyes glassy. “The baby’s good, right?”
I shuffle, dragging the chair closer to the bed, and sit down, my fingers entwining with hers. “Pip seems well on the monitor, look.” I point out the steady, zigzagging heartbeat. “We don’t know anything yet. I’m sure everything’s well.”
“Nate. I need Nate. Can you call him?”
Before I can reach for my phone, it rings in my pocket. I didn’t think it was possible for my pulse to quicken anymore, but when Nate’s name flashes on my screen, my heart thuds faster and louder than the one beeping on the machine.
I answer the call and put him on speaker. “Nate.”
“Lou’s just called. What’s going on? Is Nora there? How is she?”
“She’s fine. She’s here. The baby’s fine. We can hear the heartbeat. You’re on speaker.” I hold the phone between us.
“Dimples.” His voice wavers.
My chest tightens. He’s always called her that, but hearing it so raw is like a fist squeezing my heart.
A tear slides down Nora’s cheek. “Nate, I’m sorry. I had a bleed, and I was scared.”
“I’m on my way, baby. I’ll be there as soon as I can. The satnav says about another three hours. Fuck, I shouldn’t have driven down here. I’m so sorry, baby.”
“It’s all right, Ev’s here.”
My stomach flips. The way she says it, like I’m enough. I don’t deserve her, or him, or this baby, but I want to do better.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you,” Nora says through a sniffle.
I drop my head, like an imposter in the middle of something sacred.
“Ev,” he says. “Can you hear me?”
“Yeah.”
“Take me off speaker.”
I rise from the chair and bring the phone to my ear. “Yeah?”
“Will you stay with her until I get there?”
“Of course I will. What do you think I am?” Another piece of me cracks in two. He must really think that low of me.
“Fuck, I don’t know Ev, you haven’t exactly been around. Fuck knows what’s going through that head of yours.”
I inhale, puffing out my chest, ready to be the man I should’ve been this whole time. “That’s my baby, Nate. What, you think I’m just gonna bail and leave her here alone?”
“So it’s your baby now? Cos a few weeks ago you walked out on all of us.”
“Are we really gonna talk about this now?” I drag a hand through my hair as I pace around the bed.
“I’m sorry. I’m just going out of my fucking mind. I should be there instead of driving on this fucking motorway.”
“Nate. I got this. I’m gonna take care of our girl.” My breath stalls. I haven’t called Nora our girl for a while, and I like how it rolls off my tongue. I turn to face her. Her watery eyes lock on mine. I should have been taking care of her all this time, and Nate.
“If anything happens, you call me.”
“I will.” There’s a stretch of silence. “Nate.”
“Yeah.”
“Drive carefully. We need you here in one piece.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
I slip the phone into my pocket and pour Nora another glass of water. “Here, drink this for the scan.”
She takes the water with a shaky hand and gulps it down. “You’re gonna go when Nate gets here, aren’t you?”
“I’m not going anywhere until I know you and our baby are okay.” I fill her cup again. “Drink.”
She takes the cup and drinks, slower this time.
I sit back in the chair and place my hand over her stomach. I’ll be here as long as I’m allowed to be—for as long as she wants me here. Because if anything happens to our baby, I’ll never forgive myself.
Nora’s fingers curl around mine, holding tight.
The monitor continues its steady rhythm beside us. Our Pip still fighting in there when I couldn’t even fight for myself.
I convinced myself stepping away was the right thing to do. But sitting here now, listening to our baby’s heartbeat echo through the room, I got that so wrong.
I should never have stepped back. And this time, I’m stepping up.