Chapter 61 Nate
NATE
The alarm goes off on my phone, ready for a day at the office.
I groan and roll over in bed, reaching for it to make it stop beeping.
Then the events of yesterday come flooding in.
I went to bed last night wrapped up with Ev.
I clung to him for as long as I could, unsure how long he’d stay.
Now he’s gone. My heart sinks. I thought he’d stay this time, but I have more important things on my mind when I see a text from Nora.
Nora: Morning. I just wanted to let you know the bleeding’s stopped. The midwife checked the heartbeat again this morning, and everything seems fine. I’m waiting for the doctor to see me when she arrives, and the midwife thinks I can come home today.
I hit the call button straightaway and sit up in bed, the blanket covering my naked body.
She answers on the first ring. “Morning sleepyhead.”
“Morning. The alarm just went off.”
“Ev said he didn’t want to wake you.”
“You spoke with Ev?”
“Yes, I texted you both about an hour ago as I couldn’t sleep and he called me. Said he couldn’t sleep either. Apparently, you two made up last night.”
I climb out of bed and walk out onto the landing, looking through the window. My muscles relax a little when I see his car still on the driveway, but that means nothing. He once ran home and left the van here.
“Yeah, we talked and stuff.”
A noise sounds from the nursery, and I push the door open. Ev’s on a stepladder, painting the wall a bright lemon that Nora picked out.
“Oh, hey, you’re awake.”
“Nora’s on the phone.” I smile up at him, then check out the room. He’s painted two walls already. “How long you been up?”
“A while.”
I walk back out of the room, searching for some clothes. “So no more bleeding?”
“Not since late last night. I think everything’s gonna be all right. I panicked. I’m sorry I worried everyone.”
“Don’t be sorry. You were right to worry. I’ll get dressed and be there for visiting at nine.”
“There’s no need to come and just sit here. I know you have stuff to do in the office.”
“I’m not going into the office. I texted Cal and Lou last night. They can hold the fort today.”
“Oh. Well, I can call you when I know anything more. I just got the impression from Ev that you were both busy, and Poppy is on her way down for nine, so no need to rush over here.”
“Right. You have your girlie time with Poppy and call me when she leaves. I’m not having you sitting up there on your own.”
“All right. I love you.”
“Love you.”
I pull on my joggers and stroll back into the nursery. “You want a coffee?”
“Sounds good.”
I head downstairs and put the kettle on, leaning against the counter while it heats. Sun pours in through the kitchen window, and everything seems brighter.
It’s as if the yellow walls from upstairs have lifted the house’s mood. Or maybe it’s because Ev’s back. For how long, I’m not sure. I want him to stay, but I don’t know if I can trust him to not walk out on us again, and I won’t have Nora go through any more upset.
Two mugs later, I head back upstairs. Ev’s still on the ladder, roller in hand, smoothing another strip of lemon paint across the wall. He’s wearing a pair of my old gym shorts and a worn t-shirt. I always loved seeing him in my clothes, even if they are a little baggy on him.
Ev climbs down from the stepladder and takes the mug from me. “Cheers.” He surveys the room as if pleased with his paint job. “Nice colour.”
“Yeah, she wanted something neutral.” I huff a laugh. “She’ll probably get us to paint it bright pink or green next month now that she wants to find out the gender.”
He huffs a laugh. “You’re probably right.” He sips his drink, then says, “I spoke to her this morning. Bleeding’s stopped.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know.”
“I think everything’s gonna be okay.” He turns back towards the wall like he’s about to climb the ladder again, placing his mug on the windowsill and picking up the roller from the tray.
I know he means the baby, but what about us? Are we good now? Can we survive this? I don’t think Nora will survive him leaving us again.
I pick up a brush and cut in along the skirting board on the last wall that’s still magnolia from when we moved in. We paint in silence for a while, and it’s like old times. There’s not a room in this house he hasn’t helped decorate.
“You remember in year seven when that ruddy-faced kid called you a pussy?” I dip the brush into the tray and get more of the paint on the bristles.
Ev pauses the roller. “Yeah.”
I rest my elbow on my knee, leaning back on my other hand. “You remember what happened?”
Ev huffs. “Yeah, you beat the shit out of him.”
I nod with a smile. “You remember when those lads made fun of you in English because you couldn’t read?”
He turns his body sideways on the ladder to face me. “Yeah, you threatened them.”
“And that time in PE, when the lads called you a fag.”
“You beat the shit out of them too.”
“So what makes you think I won’t do the same again?”
“You’re gonna beat up everyone who calls me names?”
I place the brush in the tray and stand. “I’ll fuck up anyone who upsets you, yes. You think Dom’s intimidating, but you’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen me defending the people I care about.”
He nods in silent understanding.
I lift my mug from the windowsill and gulp down the lukewarm coffee. “You know why I was so ready to cut ties with my family?” I place the mug back on the windowsill. “Because you’re my family. You, Nora, and Pip. You’re what’s important to me. And I’ll always have your back.”
He covers the last magnolia patch with the lemon roller and climbs down from the ladder. “I know.” He drops the roller into the tray and lowers his head. “I should’ve been here for you both. I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”
Fuck, I can’t bear that look of guilt on his face. “You think this business with Nora is your fault?” I close the distance between us and curl my fingers around his neck. “It’s no one’s fault.” My thumb strokes the back of his head. “Look at me.”
He lifts his head. Sad, blue, watery eyes meet mine.
“That wasn’t your fault, but I won’t have Nora upset again. I need to know if you’re all in with this because I don’t think she’ll survive you leaving us again.”
Ev nods, his throat bobbing.
“I’m not forcing you to come out,” I say, dropping my hand and shoving it in my pocket before I pull him close and kiss him like I did last night. “You come out in your own time. But I’m not living in a closet. I’m not hiding my life or my family. To hell with what everyone thinks.”
Ev leans back against the ladder. Out the window, fresh green shoots push through the garden borders along the fence. Spring is here, bringing new life with it, whether we’re ready for it or not.
“What if I don’t know how to be all in?” he asks.
“That’s something you have to figure out, and I’ll be here to help you,” I say with an ache in my chest. “But until you do, I can’t let you get Nora’s hopes up again. I won’t have her devastated like last time.”
His jaw tightens. “I know you’re right. The last thing I want to do is hurt either of you.”
“When Nora comes home, she needs stability. If you’re going to disappear again, I’d rather you not be here when she walks through that door.”
Ev cracks his fingers and sighs as he looks around the nursery, his gaze settling on the packaged cot. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“Neither do I.” I wave a hand at the cot. “There’s a million fucking pieces, mate.”
He huffs and shakes his head. “I meant this. Us, you idiot.”
“Oh. Right.” My lips curve in the corners and I shrug. “I don’t know either, but it’s a lot easier figuring it out in the light than it is in the darkness.”
“When did you get so poetic?”
“I’ve had a lot of time on my hands since you left.”
“I want to be here for the baby. I want to be involved.” He adjusts his glasses. “In the meantime, I’ll try to figure the rest out.”
I let out a long breath. That’s enough. For now.
“Right.” I clap a hand against the cot box. “Well, if you’re trying, you might as well start by helping me build this thing.”
Ev lets out a small laugh. “Yeah, it won’t be fit to sleep in if I leave it to you.” He kneels beside me and opens the box. Piece by piece, we build the future neither of us has figured out yet.