Chapter 12 - Jade
My mind always seemed to short-circuit around Brandon, and it was doing just that right now.
Brandon was close, his hand cupping the back of my head while he kissed me softly.
I shook as I tried to contain my emotions, but it was hard.
I just watched him be something for Ilsa that I had wanted since she was born.
He made her shine, and the way she laughed, I hadn’t heard her laugh that hard in a long time. She was so happy, so full of joy.
And the way he was looking at me now. God, it was everything I wanted.
Brandon moved closer, his lips pressing against mine once more. But that softness was dissolving as a new hunger took over. I suddenly couldn’t get enough of him.
His lips crashed against mine roughly, and I moaned as I fumbled back against the armrest of the couch. Brandon moved closer, hovering over me as he cupped my face.
Everything felt on fire as he kissed me. I wanted more, needed more. I hadn’t felt like this in years. Well, I hadn’t felt like this since that one night.
We were just as rough, just as hungry. Neither of us is thinking about what could happen, but rather the release that would come with it.
I wanted that. I wanted to be able to just let go.
Brandon pulled me up and onto his lap. I straddled him, our kiss never breaking.
One hand was on my hip while the other held the back of my head.
I gripped tightly onto his shirt, fisting the fabric as I pressed closer.
I didn’t even realize I was grinding onto him until I heard the growl leave Brandon’s lips.
More. I needed more.
Every fiber in my being was on fire. Every nerve, every cell wanted him. All caution was out the window now that we had begun.
I felt how hard he was under me, and I remember how he felt filling me all those years ago. I rocked my hips, feeling his fingers tighten on my hips. He bit my lip, and I moaned loudly.
His thumb rubbed circles against my hip bone, my dress already pooled around me.
I felt his tongue slide against mine, pulling a deeper moan out of me. He was taking my breath away one kiss at a time.
I felt his hand slide down, pulling at the dress. His fingers left shivers as they moved from my hip to my upper thigh. His lips were soft against my neck as I sank into the feeling.
But suddenly it was all wrong.
I thought of what happened after. What happened last time. How he left, and how I was left feeling used. I ended up pregnant. I ended up alone. And all for a one-night fuck. My father’s words hit me. Give him what he wants.
I shoved against him, half-fumbling off the couch. Brandon looked utterly confused as I pulled away, yanking myself to my feet.
He looked shocked as I yanked my dress back down, now utterly embarrassed. I couldn’t believe how quickly I was willing to throw it all away. Ilsa had a good life here. Brandon was helping with things, and I couldn’t screw that up.
Brandon was only doing this because he was bored. Why else would he kiss me? Or maybe he felt like he was obligated to take care of me because of what happened?
Either way, there was no need for us to be doing this. No reason for us to make another mistake. One child was enough.
I pulled myself together, catching my breath, and felt anger fill the space. “You can’t do that. You can’t play with my feelings like that, Brandon.”
Brandon looked at me, shocked. “I’m not…”
“You are,” I snapped. “You did all those years ago! You played with me until you got what you wanted. I cannot repeat that. I am not an object you get to enjoy when you feel like it.”
I thought of that morning, waking up to my bed empty. I had thought maybe he would have left me a note. Left something as a way of telling me he had been there, but there was nothing. I had wondered if I had imagined that night, but I felt how sore I was. I knew it hadn’t been a dream.
And I felt so dirty. I had given Brandon something important to me, and he’d not even bothered to stay the next morning. He hadn’t bothered to tell me goodbye.
“Do you have any idea how dirty I felt?” I whispered, hating how I felt it now. “Waking up the next morning to nothing. You didn’t even bother to leave me a note.”
Brandon didn’t say anything, which only egged me on.
“You disappeared, and I was left with the fallout. I had to raise her. I had to listen to everyone whisper about how I should have known better, that I screwed up my life by spreading my legs. That I was a tramp that didn’t know better.”
I felt everything seemed to bubble to the surface. All the stuff I didn’t want to tell him. Everything that happened.
“I am not someone you can just use when you want to have a release. If you can’t understand that, then maybe Ilsa and I need to think about going somewhere else.”
I watched Brandon’s expression fall.
My hands were shaking as I felt like I was on uneven ground. I thought we were going to be okay, but I had been wrong. This was life slapping me for thinking I was safe, that everything would be fine.
I should have known better. I should have known this was too good to be true.
“Is that why you wanted me to move in? Because you thought I would be open to that?” I thought of my father’s words—how he had expected me to. Had he figured that was why Brandon made the offer? Had my father told him I would be easy?
Brandon rested his elbows on his knees and softly sighed. “Jade, I asked you to move in because I wanted to take care of Ilsa. I wanted to take care of you.”
My mouth snapped shut, and I took a slow breath in. I bite hard onto my cheek.
“And as for everything else…I can only apologize. I wish I could turn back time, but I can’t. Not to stop us, but to change the outcome.”
I looked at him, surprised by this.
He slowly pulled himself up. “That night was not just for fun. You’re my mate.
You know this. You felt that. We both wanted to and had been stepping around it for months.
I should have left a note, and I’m sorry you felt dirty.
I never wanted that. I didn’t think about the after. I just knew I couldn’t not have you.”
I felt my shoulders drop slightly.
“I know I missed out on a lot. I missed out on everything for her, and I missed out on protecting you for everyone else. I know you haven’t told me everything that happened, but I can imagine how it all went. I’m not blind.”
He waved a hand between us. “As for this, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. That wasn’t my intention. I just…I wanted to kiss you. I didn’t do all of this to get into your pants, Jade.”
I swallowed, suddenly feeling guilty because I would see how honest and forward he was being. I could see the sadness behind his eyes. But it only brought more questions.
If he wanted me, why did he leave? Why hadn’t he asked me to come with him? Questions I knew he wouldn’t answer.
I swallowed and licked my lips as I looked away from him. I felt a shiver roll over my body like a cold blanket.
“We…we can’t repeat history,” I said softly. “Ilsa deserves better.”
I couldn’t look at him before I turned and headed up the stairs.
I wanted to look at Brandon and see what he thought of my words, but I didn’t.
I knew it wouldn’t matter because it was the truth.
Ilsa didn’t deserve for us to muddy the waters right now.
She needed stability, and us being friendly was that.
If we tried to change it, we didn’t know what would happen, and I wouldn’t risk that.
I slept terribly, unable to find a comfortable position. I felt guilty about how I snapped at Brandon. I tossed and turned, unable to get the look out of my head. He looked hurt when I spoke, and I could tell he felt horrible. He had his own guilt.
I sat up and glanced at my phone, seeing it was five in the morning. I decided I might as well get up. I got dressed and headed down the stairs quietly, not to wake Ilsa. I knew she would sleep for a while, considering how yesterday was.
I pulled out some pans and started making pancakes. I moved quickly, finding it helped calm my nerves. I knew I would have to face Brandon, and I wasn’t sure how I would. There was going to be tension between us after yesterday.
I was finishing the pancakes and starting the bacon when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I froze, knowing they weren’t Ilsa’s. She was softer on the stairs like a mouse. You couldn’t even hear her unless you were listening closely. Which said it was Brandon.
“Morning.”
I turned as he stepped off the stairs. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and my eyes tracked each of his muscles. I’d watched Brandon practice with the guys and seen the way his muscles flex, but standing still allowed me to see each divot, everything bulging in his body.
I swallowed, knowing I was staring. “Morning.”
He walked closer, his eyes scanning the spread I had set up. “Making breakfast?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
He nodded slowly, walking around me toward the coffee maker. “Do you want some coffee? I’m going to start a pot.”
The calmness confused me, and I glanced at him, waiting for the tension I knew would happen. But it wasn’t there. He was acting as if nothing had happened the night before. I wasn’t sure whether I should be uncomfortable about it or happy that he was moving past it so easily.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll have a cup.”
I watched him pull everything together to start a pot, and I turned back to the griddle, staring at the bacon. The kitchen was quiet as we both moved. I could hear the coffee brewing, and I flipped the bacon.
“What are your plans today?”
I looked to my right as Brandon set a coffee mug next to me. I could tell he had mixed in creamer and milk, turning it a softer brown. I felt my heart clench because I’d never told him that. He’d clearly seen me do it enough to know how I took my coffee.
“I have work, and Ilsa has daycare. Your plans?”
“Work,” he said with a shrug as he slid into a chair next to me. “I’ll be out late, so I won’t be home for dinner.”