28. Chapter 28 #2
I didn’t understand how, but I took his word for it.
I pressed my palm to his, gripped his hand, and flipped our hands over so his was on top of mine.
“This right here, your touch, makes me feel things. I need it in a world where I barely feel anything at all. When I first met you, I only wanted sex, but as I got to know you, the little things you did made me want you more. I never realized I could feel this aching need for touch, to watch you sleep, breathing softly next to me, or listen to your little sex noises. I enjoy it so much that I’ll do anything to keep you. ”
Thomas tilted his head and smiled gently, pressing his free hand to my cheek. “And people say you’re incapable of love. That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said.”
“You liked that?”
He nodded slowly, still smiling. “Yes. More than anything.”
“Okay. Well, Sid said I should tell you my story. He said it was important that I trust you with it. I do trust you. If I didn’t, I never would have let you touch me in the first place. That touch is more than just my being on the spectrum. That’s part of it, but…”
He removed his hand and sandwiched my hand between his. “I can tell it’s going to be a painful one. You don’t have to tell me.”
“It’s not painful. It’s frustrating and irritating. I get angry when I think about it. But it’s also the first time I’ve ever felt truly alive.”
He watched me, shoving his spare glasses over his nose. I liked the other ones better. They were round. I was used to those. I didn’t like the more angled ones. They didn’t fit his oval-shaped face.
I tapped my fingers into his palm as I recalled my story. “My parents weren’t just assholes who were murdered. Abuse and neglect were a part of it, but it was so much worse. Mother also sexually assaulted me regularly.”
“Oh, my god, East. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t want to be touched after that either. And I thought my dad was bad.”
And that was another discussion to have. His father.
“She started small, testing her boundaries when I was eight, then she grew bolder and bolder. If I dared question her, stop her, or ask for help, she would hurt me physically.”
Thomas’s eyes turned red and watery. But I didn’t want to see it for some reason. So, instead, I stood, paced, and tapped, tapped, tapped.
“This went on for years. Father was in organized crime. A leader. So, he was gone a lot, leaving me in the hands of my pathetic and perverted mother and the staff that ran the household. Everyone knew. They had to have known. How could they not when I was always bruised and withdrawing? Whenever Father was around, he’d see it, ask about it, and then the lies would start.
Mother would lie, and I would corroborate those lies, or I would tell my own. ”
“How long?” Thomas asked.
“Until I was fifteen.”
“Jesus fuck… You must’ve felt so alone and helpless.”
“Sometimes. I hated my father, too. He had to have known.”
“Of course, he knew. The question is, why didn’t he put a stop to it?”
“Good question.”
I continued to pace, but Thomas reached out to me and tugged me back to him. I stood between his thighs, and he held me, pressing the side of his face against my stomach.
“You deserved love, Easton. You were so young.”
I ran my hand through his silky curls and tugged his head back to make him look at me.
“I murdered them. All of them. My mother and the staff who never involved themselves so they could keep their jobs. I never did figure out what finally triggered me. I stabbed her thirty-seven times, my heart rate was steady, and I felt… nothing until she was dead, and for the first time in seven years, I experienced joy. Then I paid a visit to my father at his office and murdered him, too. That was when Sid found me. Apparently, my father was on his hit list. He took me in and trained me to hone my skills for money. He’s the father I never had.
So you see, I became a murderer at fifteen years old, killing five people. ”
“Good.”
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“A little, but I care about you. They hurt you so, so much. I can’t even imagine what you’d gone through. The pain. The suffering. The loneliness. The abandonment. God, Superman… I’m not sorry they’re dead, but I’m sorry you had to kill them.”
“They died by my hand.”
“I would have probably done the same. Well, not really, but I would’ve wished hard for that sort of power.”
“I was already trained with knives and bows at Father’s behest. It helped. Little did he know I’d turn that training against him.”
I let go of his hair, but I kept his eyes on me by tucking my fingers under his chin. “I’m not only a murderer, but there’s no remorse. I feel things when I kill, but remorse isn’t one of them.”
Thomas nodded thoughtfully. “I’ve given that a lot of thought, and I understand why now. They made you this way, Easton. Your parents turned you into something you shouldn’t have been, but I don’t love you any less for it. It wasn’t your fault.
“Do you still want to be with me after I told you this?”
He smiled up at me. “Yes. You telling me this story shows how much you trust me.”
“But Sid told me to tell you.”
He raised a brow. “Did you have to obey him?”
“No.”
“You told me because in your own way, you’re trying to keep me, right?”
“Yes.”
“And I want to keep you, too. You’ve still been honest with me about everything.
I sat back down and took his hand again.
“Well, here’s more honesty for you. I will never be able to feel empathy.
I will never feel remorse. Those feelings are alien to me.
I understand their concepts like I understand the concept of love, but it’s like there’s this switch to that part of me that’s permanently turned off. But I don’t feel…”
“Abnormal?”
“Yes, exactly. It’s just who I am. I don’t feel wrong in my mind, although I know I’m different from most people.”
To my surprise, Thomas stood, straddled my lap, and rested his arms around my shoulders before kissing my forehead.
“Who you are is who you are. I would never try to change that or force you to behave in any way other than the real you. Finding out you and your makeshift family are killers was pretty disconcerting, and you did scare me a little… okay, a lot. But I’ve had the time to reflect.
Thank you for giving me that time. Listen, yo ur honesty is the most important thing to me.
Heck, at first, I thought you lied to me about your job…
Well, you did, but you didn’t. You told me you were a killer, and I thought you were just joking.
I see now that you were telling me the truth.
Do I still need to process? Yes. Am I over what happened to Annie and me?
Probably not for a long time. Me murdering a man will live with me forever, even if he was my tormentor. ”
He kissed my forehead again.
“Let me tell you all the ways I love you, Superman. I love your honesty. I love your bluntness. I love your unique perspective on how you view the world and process information. I love how you go out of your way for me. I love how you take care of me. I love how you protect me. I love how impatient and angry you get when I’m not around because you need me that much.
I love how sexy you are. I love how you get jealous.
I love how gorgeous and fit you are. I love how you made my sister yours simply because she’s mine. ”
“I do those things for myself.”
Thomas chuckled and grabbed my face. “I know that now, and that’s okay. But I also know that you don’t have to do those things. You choose those things. You chose me. Making me happy makes you happy because you get to keep me.”
“Yes, exactly.”
“I think I can work with that. I love you, flaws and all.”
I huffed. “Flaws?”
His smile turned crooked and mischievous, popping a dimple on one side of his face. “Yes. Even Superman had flaws.”
“Psh…”