Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
JULES
“Come on, come on,” I quietly pleaded as I began walking faster despite the darkening sky.
Where was it? Where was the numbness that was supposed to protect me? Why was it letting me down now when I needed it most?
Don’t.
Twice! Twice now I’d freely given myself to a man who didn’t really want me. Twice, I'd handed my trust to him, certain there was something actually between us, and twice I’d been handed a big cup of no thank you!
I heard Flynn long before he reached me. It wasn’t like a big man and his horse stumbling over the same roots and rocks as me was easy to miss. From the way Flynn was cursing, my guess was that, like me, he was on foot.
“Jules, it’s too dangerous to walk down. Believe it or not, BJ?—”
“Believe it or not, Stud , the BJ was good, but not enough to keep me from walking on my own two feet. I’ve gotten better action in the dressing room at Saks—sorry, in English speak, that means fancy, expensive store—with a very eager young personal buyer who wanted a different kind of tip, if you know?—”
Just like that, I was yanked backward. Flynn slammed me against BJ’s shoulder. Surprisingly, the loyal horse didn’t move an inch. As for the rough treatment, it did nothing to turn me on.
Not.
A.
Thing.
So then why was I tipping my head back when his lips captured mine? Why was I wrapping my arms around his neck?
Despite all my talk about having spent more energy at Saks than during what had transpired on the top of that small rise, I was physically exhausted from the mind-blowing orgasm. My limbs still felt like noodles and my brain felt fuzzy.
Yet there I was, automatically giving in to Flynn’s demanding, unwavering mouth.
I welcomed every second of the kiss. When he suddenly tore his mouth from mine, I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could speak, Flynn growled, “Only mine. That’s what you said!” His next kiss left me weak in the knees, but thankfully, somewhere deep inside of my lust-filled brain, a shred of self-preservation kicked in and I was able to tear my mouth from Flynn’s.
“Don’t,” I whispered in all seriousness. I couldn’t escape Flynn’s presence unless he took a step back, but hell if he got to do this to me a third fucking time. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see Flynn’s reaction to my command. He didn’t try to kiss me again, but it seemed to take hours before he released me and stepped back.
I could have walked away then and there, but all the pain, humiliation, and confusion were too tightly wrapped around my heart to do what I did best… run away. A strange sadness swept over me as I studied Flynn. He had the rifle in his hand, but I didn’t see the blanket or his coat anywhere. There was no saddle on BJ either. The horse was just following his friend.
“It would be so easy to flip out right now,” I admitted. “But you know what, Flynn—and I can’t believe that I’m saying this about you —I really feel sorry for you. I’m not claiming to be some naive kid who just stuck his dick down a guy’s throat for the first time, you know. Truth be told, I loved everything you did to me up there”—I pointed to the top of the rise—“but you … you I can’t figure out. That first time in the motel… when that happened, I tried to convince myself it was because you were really fucking deep in the closet or in complete denial about who you really were, but I think maybe you’re just like every other piece-of-shit guy who gets off on fucking with people’s heads. You’ve just got a better act.”
I paused to rein in my runaway emotions because if I didn’t, I’d let the man in front of me get by my defenses yet again and if I did, it would all be over. I’d be his puppet for as long as he wanted to toy with me. I let out a harsh little laugh as I realized it was already too late.
“I suppose I shouldn’t be complaining because so far the rules seem to be in my favor. Mind-blowing orgasms that I don’t have to return. No worrying about the whole ‘I’m not looking for a relationship’ speech. Just a lot of no-strings sex where you get to call all the shots, I get all the pleasure, and the only thing I have to do is not touch you? What dotted line do I need to sign?” I said snidely.
Flynn’s only visual reaction to my words was the hardening of his jaw. Of course, that just pissed me off even more.
“The sad part of all this is that I don’t think even you know what you want exactly. Based on the few times I’ve seen you with other ranch hands and, of course, this big old guy here”—I patted BJ’s neck—“I don’t think you have a cruel bone in your body. Either way, I’m going to have to say no to what you’re selling because I’ve gone the knockoff route enough times to know that no matter how much you wish it to be so, it will never be the real thing and worse, it will always end up biting you in the ass—and not in the good way. So, the new deal is that if you touch or kiss me one more time or if you so much as even look in my direction, I promise you, along with every ranch hand, horse, chicken, and other mammal who happens to be present at the time, will see my flipping the fuck out side.”
With that, I shifted so I could turn and keep walking down the trail. This time there was only silence behind me. Unfortunately, I got absolutely no satisfaction from it. There was no relief. I didn’t hurt inside any less. I knew that deep down, I was the knockoff. I’d needed an exit strategy to protect my heart, and I hadn’t hesitated in using everything in my arsenal of lies to make it so Flynn would want nothing more to do with me.
I didn’t look behind me to confirm it, but I was certain that Flynn had retreated so he could get BJ saddled back up. I didn’t bother trying to physically outrun him because I’d ultimately need him to get back to the ranch since I had no idea where we were.
Mate for life.
What a crock of shit. The idea of two creatures being so devoted to one another that they wouldn’t or couldn’t find comfort in the presence of another was ridiculous. Maybe there were some members of the animal kingdom who managed it, but mankind would never evolve to that line of thinking.
As predicted, by the time I reached the bottom of the hill, Flynn and BJ had caught up with me. BJ gave me a horsey kiss on the back of my neck, but Flynn didn’t make a sound.
Dread filled my veins when man and horse stopped next to me rather than continuing on so I could fall into step behind them. I didn’t care if I had to stare at BJ’s ass the entire way back or that my feet hurt so bad that the insides of my shoes would probably be slick with blood when I took them off. No way in hell was I going to put myself in a situation where I’d be forced to have physical contact with the man I’d worked so hard to chase off. I’d walk all the way even if it meant having to make a pair of shoes out of twigs or rocks or some shit like that.
“Here,” Flynn said simply as he undid a canteen from his saddle and handed it to me. As much as I wanted to shove it back at him, the reality was that I was thirsty as hell. I took several sips of the icy cold water, but when I went to hand the thing back to Flynn, he ignored it and grabbed my wrist instead. Before I was able to process the fact that the man had already broken my no contact or endure the full wrath of Jules rule, Flynn had me settled on BJ’s back, my ass taking up the entire saddle.
“Wha—”
BJ began walking before I could even finish expressing my outrage. Flynn was walking next to BJ, holding the reins, leaving me with nothing but the horn of the saddle to hang on to. I opened my mouth to tell Flynn to stop so I could slide off BJ’s back, but then snapped it shut when I realized I’d just be shooting myself in the foot. Sure, I could walk if I needed to, but why shouldn’t the asshole be on foot while I took a break? It hadn’t been my idea to climb to the top of a mountain?—
“I have a congenital heart defect,” Flynn said out of nowhere. The sound of his voice made me jump because I hadn’t been expecting him to speak, so it took me a split second to register his blasé announcement.
No, no, no. It’s not possible.
Panic immediately took hold as I tried to make sense of Flynn’s words. He wasn’t looking at me. He was entirely focused on the path before him.
“Doctors found it after my first attack. I couldn’t be bothered to listen to all the lifestyle changes and medications I’d have to take. I had way too much money to make. Too many nice cars to buy, a big enough place to fit my gigantic ego, important elbows to rub. There was a career ladder that still needed to be climbed because there was no way in hell I was going back to the small piece-of-shit town that had been my entire world for too long.”
I remembered Flynn’s description of his family. Countless siblings, cousins, and uncles and aunts, all of whom seemed to be part of the drug trade his family ran. I wondered how many people got out of such a doomed place.
“Second heart attack did a lot more than open my eyes. Doctors were able to fix as much of the defect as they could so that at least the condition would be manageable, but medicine alone wasn’t going to keep my ticker going. If I wanted to keep walking this earth, I had to change my diet, avoid high-stress jobs and situations. Even then, survival wasn’t a guarantee. So I had a decision to make. I could keep raking in the dough no matter what it took and survive for another year or two at most, or I could wake the fuck up and remember that I’d spent nearly all of my life surviving .”
Flynn was quiet for several long seconds before adding, “When I got out of the hospital for the second time, I went back to my apartment. The plants were all dead, the few things I’d had in my fridge were covered in fur, and several layers of dust coated everything. Nothing had been touched. It was like I’d never existed.” He laughed an ugly chuckle. “There’d been no one to volunteer to water the plants or take out the garbage while I was in the hospital. No one had been at my bedside when I’d woken up with no idea where I was and unable to speak because of the tube shoved down my throat.”
This time when Flynn stopped, I wanted to encourage him to continue because the context he was providing was making it a little easier to understand him.
“We’re here,” Flynn said after several long beats.
True enough, we were in the tree line that was right behind the barn. I could see the farmhouse from where we were. With the sun slowly dropping to meet the horizon, I realized we’d been gone much longer than I’d intended. The thing was, I didn’t regret it. In fact, if anything, I wished Flynn hadn’t set such a quick pace after he’d settled me on BJ’s back. I’d finally gotten to a place where I could read between the lines of what Flynn was saying, and now that was gone.
At my insistence.
“You can ride BJ to the front of the barn without me and then get off and head to the house. I’ll be a few steps behind you. No one will see us together.”
The flat way Flynn made that declaration was a knife to the gut even though it was exactly what I’d wanted, or at least, what I’d pretended I wanted. No, what I’d really wanted had only started to happen when the man had tossed me on his horse. What if I’d stayed on that hilltop even as he’d turned his back on me? If I hadn’t been so self-centered, I might have picked up on Flynn’s distress and asked about it. I would have found a way to prove that he didn’t need to be self-conscious about his scar.
I’d been so afraid of facing my own issues that I hadn’t stopped long enough to really look, to really see the man who carried so many secrets around with him.
“I can walk from here, thank you,” I somehow managed to say.
When Flynn lifted me from the horse’s back, our bodies were aligned.
Then they weren’t.
Flynn released me the second my feet hit the ground. There were no lingering looks or touches, no final words, no attempt to delay the inevitable with awkward conversation. Flynn merely took BJ’s reins and led the horse out of the woods.
My chest hurt so bad, I almost sank to the ground then and there. I managed to lock my knees, which kept me upright, but it wasn’t until I saw a strange car come to a stop in front of the farmhouse that I woke up from my haze. I didn’t recognize the vehicle, but I did recognize the man who got out and sprinted up the steps.
My problems with Flynn forgotten, I ran to the house. By the time I’d reached the kitchen, I could hear heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. It was Brooks.
“What’s happening?” I asked as Brooks brushed past me and reached into the refrigerator.
“It was a lie. All of it,” Brooks practically shouted. “All these years and he let me believe?—”
“Brooks, sweetie, I don’t understand?—”
“I need to go.” Brooks glanced at his watch. “He’s not going to wait for me if I’m not there!”
“Who? Where?”
“Dad!” Brooks shouted like that one word was supposed to clear it all up.
“You’re going to see your dad? Are you leaving Wyoming? I thought you and Xavier?—”
Brooks grabbed my upper arms. I hadn’t told him about the injury on my arm so when he grabbed me, it made that arm bang against my side. I hid the pain as best I could.
“I love you, Jules, but I don’t have time to explain. I need to get to the airport and if I don’t find the keys to the fucking Range Rover…”
Brooks was sweating and shaking. I’d gotten so familiar with him being so calm and submissive when we’d first met, it was hard to watch the emotions play out on his face. “They’re in my coat,” I said. “Grab me a water,” I added as I went to the mudroom where the coats were kept.
“Jules, I can go?—”
“It’ll do me some good to get out of the land that time forgot,” I muttered. “I’ll drive, you explain,” I said as I jingled the keys, then headed for the Range Rover. The second I stepped outside, I knew I was being watched. The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up and goose bumps were popping up all over my arms.
I knew what it felt like to be watched, to have every move scrutinized, but none of those times had left me breathless with excitement.
Finding Flynn was the exact opposite of finding Waldo, the famous cartoon character. It was like there was something connecting the two of us; something that made finding him in a crowd easy. It wouldn’t matter if we were lost in a sea of people, all it would take was feeling his eyes on me and I’d know he was there. I’d find him each and every time.
At present, my confounding, mesmerizing, confusing as fuck, drop dead gorgeous one-time savior was standing just outside the barn, his eyes locked on me. Knowing that Flynn was watching me sent a wave of heat through my body. My dick was throbbing with anticipation while saliva filled my mouth as I thought about what it would be like to lock eyes with Flynn as he was fucking my mouth. I could almost hear his words of praise as he fed me more and more of his length. Would he fuck my mouth however he wanted or would he make me work to pleasure him? I wanted it both ways. No matter what he did to my body, I wanted it to be hard and rough but slow and deep at the same time. I wanted to know that when he did finally end up balls deep inside of me for the first time, would he bend me over something and fuck me senseless from behind or would his strong body be pinning me to the bed as he slid in and out of me in long, deep, strong lunges that left me incapable of doing anything but taking it? Would he kiss me as he came inside of me or would he be too far gone to do anything but cling to me as he made us one?
I was so caught up in my haze of lust that when I finally turned my head to meet his gaze head-on, it took me several long seconds to realize my intense fantasies were one-sided. The huge lamp that hung over the barn shed enough light on Flynn for me to see that unlike my own eyes that had to be burning with need, there was nothing in Flynn’s. He may as well have been looking right through me.
Given everything that had happened just hours earlier, I’d expected to see something in his expression.
Anything.
But there was nothing.
Not even contempt.
At most, the only thing I saw just before he turned and disappeared into the barn was the reflection of my own self-disgust. All the terrible things I’d said to Flynn had worked. My words had driven him away, and I now had legitimate proof that I was as ugly on the inside as I so often felt on the outside.
The porch door slamming just behind me forced me to straighten my shoulders and bite back the sting of tears.
“You ready?” I called without looking over my shoulder. It was a futile attempt to get control of myself. Thankfully, Brooks was too preoccupied to notice the catch in my voice.
As soon as Brooks got in the passenger seat, he began talking about the events of the day. What had started out as an outing with Xavier and his younger sister, Sara, to check out the county fair had ended in the discovery of a web of lies and deceit that had changed the trajectory of Xavier and Brooks’s budding romance when they’d still been teenagers.
Brooks was talking so fast that it was hard to keep up with all of it, but the bottom line was that James Cunningham, Brooks’s father, had used his political and financial influence to railroad officials into prosecuting Xavier as an adult rather than as a juvenile for a crime that it was no longer clear that the then sixteen-year-old had even committed. Xavier had ended up in prison and Brooks had been manipulated into believing the older boy he’d fallen hard and fast for had betrayed him.
Brooks had made decisions, life-altering ones, after learning the teenager he’d fallen in love with had tried to kill Brooks’s father. Brooks had chosen never to return to Eden rather than face the pain of Xavier’s supposed betrayal. He’d never once tried to communicate with Xavier after the terrible night when the Cunningham barn had been burned to the ground. Thankfully, James Cunningham had survived, as had all the horses who’d been stabled in the barn.
“I never gave him the chance to explain,” Brooks muttered as he toyed with his phone. “After it happened and not when I came back here, either.”
“It’s fixable, Brooks. That’s all that matters.”
Brooks shook his head. “I don’t know if it is. As of an hour ago when I was talking to that attorney who gave me a ride home from the fair, Xavier never once told me about any of it.” He put his elbow on the spot between where the window met the door and then rested his chin on his fisted hand. “I never gave him a chance to.”
A chill swept over my body as I was reminded of the same mistake I’d made hours earlier when I’d refused to give Flynn the benefit of the doubt and let him explain his response to our intimate encounter. While I’d been licking my own wounds that now seemed minor in comparison to what he had been through, Flynn had been forced to listen to me belittle him. And instead of being able to tell me about all the things that he’d felt when he’d woken up from his second brush with death, he’d had to blurt it out just so he could get me off his back.
Flynn had wanted to confide in me and I’d acted like a spoiled brat.
“Tell me what’s going on with you,” Brooks said.
I let out a dramatic sigh and said, “You know, cooking, fighting off those bitches every morning for some eggs—which, I’m sorry but let’s face it, it’s not like they need them for something else—and watching out for every pile of something disgusting that’s just begging for me to step in it with my Dolce he was pissed at me specifically. With everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours, I was too tired to make sense of who had the right to be mad at who.
Besides, the shit between me and Flynn could keep… or go away altogether. What mattered was finding the man Brooks was meant to be with, and that took precedence over everything else.