Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
FLYNN
“Come on, beautiful, there’s someone I want you to meet,” I said to the mare as I undid the lead rope that had kept the horse from moving around the horse trailer too much during transport. “You’re going to love your new daddy,” I added as I led the gorgeous white horse to the end of the trailer and eased her down the ramp. Once she was several steps away from the trailer, I stopped her and gave her a quick once-over.
She was a stunning horse, but her beauty had never been part of the equation when I’d heard that a ranch nearby had been looking to sell the mare because their daughter was leaving for college. I’d been looking for the perfect horse for Jules for weeks, but it’d been a challenge to find one that was safe enough for him to ride in pretty much any situation but also had enough spirit to provide Jules with a smooth but fun ride.
“Now,” I began as I led the horse toward the barn. “You’re gonna be meeting a friend of mine who’s going to take a shine to you. At first, he’s just gonna wanna get in your pants, but if you put him in his place immediately, he’ll follow you from here to the ends of the earth. Also, if you could do me a huge favor and give him a chance, your daddy will be so happy to learn his girl has found her mate for life too.”
The sun’s rays were just starting to shine over the trees behind the house, which meant everyone would be up and about soon, including Jules. While we were still keeping our relationship to ourselves, we’d eased off on the ruse of hating each other during the day because we were eager to tell everyone that we were together. Since Xavier and Brooks were no longer hiding their relationship from any of the ranch hands, as well as Curtis’s announcement about his former relationship with Del, the man who’d not only been his ranch foreman but his partner in life and later his husband, Jules and I were ready to take things public.
It'd been a little over a week since Jules and I had made love in our spot. I could still feel how incredible it’d been when he’d ridden me. I hadn’t intended to make love to him again so soon after I’d spent so long edging him that afternoon, but whenever we were around each other, it was like we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Jules would find some excuse during the day to leave the house—assuming anyone was even around—hunt me down, and then he was in my arms. As promised, I’d found some interesting spots where I could make love to him even as the ranch went on with business as usual all around us. My favorite, second only to our spot, was fucking Jules in a dark corner of the barn where extra equipment and hay was stored. Early on, Jules had freaked out when he’d heard voices coming and going within a handful of yards of us, especially because I’d continued to fuck him despite the unwanted company.
Ultimately, pleasure had won out, and even though I’d had to use my mouth or hand to cover Jules’s mouth each time, the whole thing had become such a turn-on for him that it became a game to see who could make the other squirm the most. Admittedly, there’d been several times when he had gone down on me that I’d been ready to tell our unknowing company to get the fuck out so I could beg Jules to do this or that. The location ensured that I couldn’t give the orders, especially when Jules was on his knees giving every vacuum in existence a run for their money when it came to suction power. In those cases, I’d had to bite my lower lip to keep from shouting in relief when he had finally triggered my orgasm, but only when he'd been good and ready. It turned out that I’d created a monster when I’d edged Jules for the first time.
The only thing that I hadn’t figured out yet was why he always made some excuse about needing to get back to the house the second we’d finished. When I snuck into his room every night, I always tried to ask him if something was wrong, but he’d been attacking me from the moment I’d closed and locked his door behind me. His lovemaking had become frantic. At one point, we hadn’t even made it to the bed before he’d ordered me to get on my back on the floor. Seconds later, he’d had my fly open and my already hard cock out. His already well-lubed ass had meant he hadn’t been interested in foreplay, and by the time his ass had engulfed my dick in one hard downward thrust of his body, I’d forgotten all about asking if he was okay. He’d keep me in his bed all night, leaving only short breaks between each round of lovemaking. By the time I’d stumbled out of his room every morning, my own body wrung dry, Jules had been tangled in the sheets, lost in a heavy slumber. I, on the other hand, had been burning the wick at both ends. I’d only managed to snatch a few z’s here and there before I’d had to get to work.
While we hadn’t gotten to a point where Jules was ready to fuck me, he’d started playing with my ass in the most delicious of ways. If he wasn’t fingering me while blowing me, he was eating my ass like a starving man while I jacked myself off. He’d then proceed to clean up any jizz that hadn’t ended up on the ground by licking it off my body and sharing it with me.
Any concern I’d had about an impending heart attack had been wiped away after that first night when Jules had gotten me through my panic attack. If Jules’s and my sexual antics hadn’t killed me yet, I doubted anything would.
I chuckled as I began to lead the mare into the barn so I could introduce her to BJ. As a stallion, BJ wasn’t exactly immune to the presence of female horses, especially when they were in heat, but for the most part, he behaved himself. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of babies the gorgeous pair would make. The mare wasn’t a Waler, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t gotten BJ with the intent of producing more purebred Walers since he had plenty of siblings out there in the world somewhere to take care of that.
“Flynn, hold up,” I heard someone call from behind me. Since I knew Jules’s voice by heart, I knew it wasn’t him. When I turned, I saw Xavier striding toward me from the house. I hadn’t had much time to interact with Xavier like I should have, and since part of my job was supposed to be working alongside him with the horses, I’d been expecting the man to confront me about all the time I spent away from the ranch, supposedly tracking predators and keeping an eye out for any signs of humans in places where they didn’t belong. I’d done that part of my job, but the rest of the time I’d either been fucking Jules or holding him in my arms while we talked.
Based on Xavier’s expression, he was clearly pissed.
I’d never seen the man angry, but if the way he was coming at me was any indication of where his head was at, I couldn’t even imagine if he ever expressed any kind of true rage. I knew the man had a soft side, especially when it came to Brooks and his mother and Sara who were temporarily living with Curtis in the main house. Since Xavier looked at Brooks the way I looked at Jules, I had a feeling he was dealing with the reality of his role as foreman and finding the time to be intimate with Brooks.
In truth, Brooks and Xavier did spend a lot of time conveniently missing throughout the day, but they at least had an obvious excuse. The men were over the top in love and like Jules and me, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. However, since they’d gone public with their relationship, no one questioned their prolonged absences.
I envied them for that. Not just their bravery in confronting a town full of people who saw only two men sinning, not two people in love and as deeply committed to each other, if not more so, as a lot of straight couples. Curtis’s announcement about his marriage to his beloved Del had tongues wagging too, but Curtis didn’t give a shit what other people thought. Jules and I would be facing the same reactions when it was time for us to announce our own relationship.
The man striding toward me may have survived prison and looked scary as hell even when he wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t afraid to stand my ground. I wasn’t about to out my relationship with Jules solely for the purpose of saving myself from a pounding. My only hope was that the man wouldn’t fire me on the spot because that would complicate things for me and Jules.
“Hey,” I began even before Xavier reached me. “I hope you don’t mind, but I borrowed your truck and trailer to go pick up this beauty early this morning. I’ll pay you for the gas?—”
“I don’t give a shit about gas money,” Xavier snapped. “I want to know what the fuck you did to upset Jules because when my guy’s best friend is upset, my guy is even more upset.”
“Wait. What?” I asked in confusion. Had Jules told Brooks about us and Brooks told Xavier? If he had, then why was Xavier pissed? Why would Brooks be upset? Hadn’t Jules explained what he and I meant to each other?
“Look, Xavier, I don’t know what Jules told you… or Brooks, for that matter, but I swear to God, the last thing I’d ever do is hurt him. Yeah, we got off to a rocky start, but we figured some stuff out and I like to think that we’re at least… friends now.”
The word “friends” had gotten stuck in my throat, but since I didn’t know how much Xavier knew, I had to be careful about what I said when it came to my relationship with Jules. “If I’ve upset him, I’ll apologize. I’ll apologize to Brooks too if that’s what it takes, but I promise you, I’d never hurt Jules. In any way.”
Xavier didn’t say anything. I felt like the man was a human lie detector and I was his subject. Since everything I’d said was true, I stood there and kept my eyes on Xavier the whole time.
When his body relaxed, I carefully expelled a breath. “Look, I know I’m behind on my work, but?—”
“You really have no idea, do you?” Xavier said softly.
I shook my head. “Idea about what?”
“Fuck,” he muttered. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. My gut began to churn as Xavier went from a rampaging bull to a docile lamb.
“What?” I asked as the dread began to enter my bloodstream. “Tell me, damn it. Is he hurt?” I practically yelled. I didn’t give him time to answer. Instead, I practically threw the mare’s lead rope at Xavier and hurried toward the house.
“He’s not in there!” Xavier called.
I came to an abrupt stop. “You’re lying,” I responded and began walking again, albeit much slower this time around.
“I wish to God that I was.”
My brain refused to accept Xavier’s words, but when Brooks opened the screen door that led into the house, I instantly knew. Brooks had his arms crossed, and his eyes were puffy and red like he’d been crying. I quickly scanned my surroundings and noticed for the first time that the Range Rover was gone. Had it been there when I’d left in the early morning hours so I could go pick up the mare?
“What’s going on?” I demanded, no longer caring about keeping up with any kind of ruse. To Brooks, I said, “Where is he?”
Brooks just shook his head slowly.
I spun around. “Where the fuck is he?” I snarled as I strode back to Xavier. “If you’re keeping him from me?—”
“We’re not, Flynn,” Xavier said gently.
His look of regret was like acid eating away at my insides. “No,” I said adamantly. “No, he wouldn’t do this to me.”
My faith in Jules overrode logic. I practically ran back to the house. “Jules!” I called as soon as I reached the porch. I didn’t care who the fuck heard me. I had only one objective.
Brooks moved aside when I reached the screen door. More acid ate away at me. If the man wasn’t trying to stop me from entering the house then what did that mean?
There was only one way to find out. Once inside the house, I headed toward the stairs that led to the second floor. “Jules!” I shouted. I took the steps two by two and came face to face with Curtis at the top.
“He’s not here, son,” Curtis said softly. “You can check his room. You can check all of them, but I promise you he’s not here. Xavier’s mom and sister are staying in the two rooms at the end of the hallway. I’d ask that you show them the respect they deserve by not barging in their rooms or screamin’ your head off. Those two have been through enough.”
As hard as it was to accept, I knew Curtis was right. I gave him a quick nod. I didn’t need to search the whole house. I would have my answer the second I opened the door to Jules’s room. Curtis stepped aside. My hand was shaking by the time I reached Jules’s door.
Please be locked.
Please be locked.
I kept repeating the mantra because it was all I had left. If the door was locked, then it meant Jules was inside. I could deal with his anger because of anything I might have said or done to upset him. It didn’t matter how long it took to fix it, but he needed to be in that room.
I blinked away tears when the doorknob easily turned. Even though I already knew what it meant, I stepped into the room anyway. The bed was still a tangle of blankets, sheets, and pillows, proof that our lovemaking the night before had indeed happened. It was the only proof that we’d both been in that room up until I’d left in the early morning hours before the sun was even up.
All of Jules’s clothes were gone. His bathroom vanity was stripped bare. No makeup, no perfume. Except for the bed, it was as if no one had been in the room for a very long time.
Every emotion, every inkling of logic I tried to come up with, every painful memory of what it’d felt like to wake up in a hospital with no one there to give a damn began building on each other deep inside of me. Part of me wanted to release the fury on the room. I wanted to break every piece of furniture in it. I wanted to smash the mirror where I’d first seen Jules applying his makeup. I wanted to tear all the empty hangers from the closet and rip every empty drawer from the dresser until all that was left was enough wood to act as kindling for a fire.
Thankfully, my coping mechanism, the one that’d always been there to save me, the very one I’d never thought I’d have to tap into again, took over. Ice replaced the hot sensation of betrayal running through my veins. That ball in my gut began to fray until it was nothing more than a pile of meaningless fibers. I turned on my heel, passed Curtis who was still at the top of the stairs, and left the house. My steps were no longer hurried, my throat wasn’t closed off with emotion, and tears no longer stung the backs of my eyes. I couldn’t say being numb felt good because I didn’t feel anything.
I left the house without a word to Brooks. As I passed Xavier on my way to the barn, he said, “He left you a note.”
“Keep it,” I responded. There were no words on any piece of paper that would explain why Jules had done this to me or how I’d gotten everything so wrong. “Can you do me a favor and find her a new home,” I added as I jerked my head in the mare’s direction.
“Flynn—” Xavier began, but if he said anything, I didn’t hear it.
I should have felt measurably better when I reached BJ’s stall, but for the first time ever, the horse’s presence didn’t make me smile. I grabbed his saddle and bridle from the rack outside his stall and got the big animal tacked up in a matter of minutes.
As soon as I led BJ from the stall, I climbed into the saddle. It was a known rule of thumb to never mount a horse inside a barn, but I didn’t give a shit.
I didn’t give a shit about a lot of things.
I rode past Xavier, once again ignoring his attempts to talk to me. “I quit,” I said simply and then pointed BJ toward the end of the driveway.
Once that was done, I stopped giving a shit about one last thing.
Where we were headed.
Because it didn’t matter. I no longer had any commitments; I had enough money in the bank so I could just ride until I reached one ocean and then I could turn around and keep going until I hit another ocean.
The one thing I was sure of, and I was quickly getting to the point that I didn’t care about that either, was that I was back to where I’d started from the moment Titan had died and Frank had walked into the woods and disappeared from my life.
I no longer had a home in any sense of the word. I’d reached too high for one of the many stars that had guided me for so long and I’d ended up burned.
Like a little kid who’d been warned over and over not to touch a hot stove, I’d done it anyway.
I’d learned my lesson, but there was little comfort in knowing I’d never reach for that warmth again. And I no longer feared that moment where I’d feel shooting pains in my left arm and so much pain in my chest that I couldn’t breathe. It would be such an easy way to go.
I’d survived a damaged heart not once, but twice. Unfortunately, I was only just now learning that living with a broken heart was an even crueler form of punishment.
Punishment that I had no idea what I’d done to deserve.