Chapter 20 #2
“I don’t understand,” I said in all honesty.
Flynn finally turned around. Between his bitter eyes that seemed to bore straight through me and the stiff way he held himself, I wished he hadn’t.
“BJ is smart. Really fucking smart. But it wasn’t his idea to come here. He was only doing what I was asking him to do.”
“But you said?—”
“I said that you were all I could think about. In my mind, I wanted to forget you, wipe you from my memory forever. But without even realizing it, my body was telling BJ something different. So he was reacting to what I truly wanted, even if my brain was in denial the whole time. Five months, Jules. Five fucking months trying to escape you and yet here I am. As soon as I entered the city limits, one cop after another began citing me. I stuffed the citation in my saddlebag, agreed to whatever the cop was saying even though I wasn’t listening, and then I was walking again.”
“Why?” was all I could ask. “Why put yourself through all that? Did you think that being face to face with me when you told me how much you hated me, how I disgusted you, and that I was a selfish, lying, self-centered asshole would make me hurt worse than I already did? Because it doesn’t, Flynn. You’ve been in my head from the moment you left my room after the last time we made love.” I stopped only long enough to wipe the snot and tears from my face. “I never thought to ask you what happens to wolves who lose their mate. Do they find a way to keep going or do they just lie down and wait to die? I looked up the answer. Their instinct is to survive, so even though they mourn, they find a way to survive it.”
I wiped at my eyes with my sleeve because the tears were coming too fast and hard for me to see Flynn, even as he moved closer to me. “I’ve been pretending that I’m in survival mode, but if it makes you feel even a little bit better, I’m dying, Flynn. Every single day, a piece of me withers and dies. I promise you, there won’t be anything left soon so you got me, okay? You won. You’re a survivor. You always have been. You’re going to fight. You’re going to put one foot in front of the other. If you need to hate me with every fiber of your being then do it because it will keep you going long enough to find your true other half. Someone who can be everything you want. That you need. Who’s fucking worthy of you.”
My throat was raw and my eyes burned from all the tears. I knew there was nothing else I could say to take away Flynn’s pain, and since I knew he wouldn’t beat me into oblivion, I gave in to my cowardice and quickly turned to escape to my office but ran right into BJ’s shoulder.
I hadn’t even noticed that the big animal had moved at some point during my tirade. I put my hand on BJ’s neck for a second, but even that hurt too much, so I walked around him. Before I could pass in front of him, BJ practically headbutted me, though the move didn’t hurt. I was about to lose it all over again because not only did Flynn hate me, but it appeared his horse did too. When I tried to move past BJ again, this time giving the horse a wider berth, he took several steps forward to cut me off, then nudged me with his nose. God, the horse was so fucking loyal to Flynn, he wasn’t going to let me walk away until Flynn ordered him to.
Which Flynn wasn’t doing. He made no effort to reach for his horse. With that, my last shred of dignity disintegrated, and I began to sob. That was when BJ chose to gently press his head against my chest like he’d done to Flynn on countless occasions. I dropped my head so that my forehead was pressed against the top of BJ’s face. I put my hands on his soft muzzle and wept uncontrollably.
When my body was shifted to the side, I wasn’t sure whether it’d been the horse that had done it or me. I got my answer when I felt strong arms wrap around my back and my face was pressed against a warm, hard chest. When Flynn’s hand came to rest on the top of my head, every ounce of strength I had left was gone in a puff of smoke. When my knees buckled, I fully expected him to let me go so that I’d hit the hard floor.
But Flynn was still Flynn, so instead of dropping me, he lowered us both to the floor and then just held me. When I couldn’t catch my breath, he began talking about the wolves we’d spent so much time watching together. I closed my eyes so I could see them for myself. Instead, I saw Flynn. I saw the way he’d held me in the sleeping bag to keep me warm after we’d made love, I heard his voice each time he told me he loved me, and I felt his arms around me, keeping me close. Keeping me safe.
“Flynn…” was all I could manage to say because my throat was so damn raw. Every part of my body hurt. I had no idea why he’d chosen to comfort me instead of watch me suffer, but even if I could have actually spoken the words, I wouldn’t have. I wanted the moment to go on forever. Even if there was only silence between us, I would take it. I would take any piece he’d give me and treasure it for the rest of my life once he was gone.
When Flynn’s hold on me loosened, I got the silent message and pulled away from him. I would have stood if I could, but I knew my legs wouldn’t hold me. I stared at the floor and managed to croak, “There’s a loading dock at the back of the building. It has a ramp, so if you and BJ leave through that door, I don’t think the cops or reporters will bother you.”
Warm fingers forced my chin up, though the last thing I wanted was to have to look Flynn in the eye. I’d thought I could withstand his fury, but I couldn’t. “Please, Flynn,” was all I could get out. Despite Flynn having lifted my chin, I maintained my death stare with the floor.
“Jules, look at me.”
Flynn didn’t shout the order at me, nor was he asking me to comply. He said the words in that special way of his… the one that made me want to do anything to please him.
I forced my eyes to meet his. Before I could even try to read what he was thinking, Flynn dropped his head and brushed his mouth over mine. The kiss was agonizingly short. A good-bye kiss, probably. But Flynn had yet to release my chin and when he ended the kiss, he kept his mouth near mine.
“Do you really think I rode my horse through miles of last-minute holiday shoppers, impatient drivers trying to get home to their families, collecting thousands of dollars’ worth of citations along the way and having a trail of police cars, curious onlookers, and a fucking helicopter hovering above my head just so I could make you hurt as badly as I did?” Flynn gently asked. “Because if that were true, it would have cost a lot less money and wouldn’t have risked freezing my damn balls off to just send you all the cruel texts I spent the last few months writing.”
I was so confused that I didn’t even know how to respond. Not just to his question, but also to ask why he’d comforted me, why he was still holding me, and what the hell that amazing kiss had meant. So I stupidly blurted, “I never got any texts.”
Flynn smiled. His real smile. The one that stole my breath but in a good way.
“That’s because I never sent any of them. I would have had to really believe what I was saying in order to push that send button. I deleted them right after I wrote them.”
“Why?” My head was spinning and even though I could hear Flynn’s voice and feel his touch, it had to be a dream. I had to have been asleep on the couch in my office, my arms wound around the pillow that had become Flynn’s stand-in.
“Why,” Flynn said softly, like he was asking himself the question instead of it coming from my lips. “Because I know what death is. I know what it feels like, at least the beginning of it, anyway. And Jules, my love, my mind might have wanted to survive, but my heart wanted to live and there was only one way that was going to happen.”
Flynn kissed me again.
My love?
Had he really called me that or was I hearing things?
“Thank God I have a smart horse, a body that knows when to ignore my stupid brain, and a heart that knows who carries the other half of it and always will. For life.” His lips traveled up my tear-stained face until his mouth was by my ear. “Don’t you ever just lie down and wait to die, no matter what happens. Do you hear me?” Flynn said, his voice still soft but firm enough to know that he wasn’t asking me—he was telling me. “Even if the worst happens, we’ll live on within each other. But there’s not going to be a ‘worst’ because I’m going to take care of you just like you’re going to take care of me.”
I let out a harsh cry, frantically nodded, and managed to say “for life” before I was seeking out his lips. This time, there was no denying what Flynn’s kiss meant. It was hungry, seeking, desperate. I stroked his cheek as I kissed him back with equal fervor. When we parted, I whispered, “I love you,” against his lips.
“Love you, Jules. So fucking much.” He kissed me again. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve Flynn, but I was done being stupid. Sure, I’d say and probably do stupid things throughout the rest of our lives, but I was never going to be stupid again.
Flynn climbed to his feet, taking me with him. Our mouths frantically dueled for control of the first of many kisses we’d need to have to make up for all the ones we’d missed. As each kiss became more intense, my body began to respond and before I realized what I was doing, I started to push Flynn’s jacket from his shoulders. It took BJ forcing his big head between our bodies to remind us where we were. I hadn’t even heard the roar of applause from outside the lobby doors.
Flynn and I began to laugh as we each rewarded BJ from our respective sides.
“We’re never going to get away from them,” I said.
“Who said we have to? A little press might get me out of needing to pay all these,” Flynn responded as he pulled a wad of small papers out of BJ’s saddlebag.
They were all the citations he’d gotten.
“If not, then these are all yours,” Flynn added as he handed me the citations. I dropped them to the ground.
“I can write them off as a business expense,” I said right before I wrapped my arms around Flynn and kissed him again.
“That’s right. My man has deep pockets,” Flynn murmured between kisses. “I don’t suppose you’ve got enough on you to bribe a fast food joint to stay open long enough for us to grab something to take back to your place?”
“No need,” I said as I leaned back a little. “I’ve got everything we need for smoothies in my fridge.”
Flynn sighed. “Sweetheart, we’re going to need to negotiate those smoothies, because I only managed to get them down the first time around because I wanted to get you into bed.”
“I know that. I also know that you might be able to hold out longer when we’re in that bed, but I’ve got a few more tricks up my sleeve to get my way. Do you really want to put yourself through that?”
“Will you keep sending me sexy pictures whenever I get in trouble?”
“Maybe.”
“When we have video sex, promise not to turn the camera away at the last minute.”
I pretended to think about it. “Either I keep it pointed at me and mute it or I turn it away and unmute it.”
Flynn chuckled. “You’re not going to take it easy on me, are you?”
“Not when it comes to making sure you and I are sitting in rocking chairs arguing about who’s wearing whose teeth.”
This time Flynn laughed. “Okay, you win.” He bent down and right before he kissed me, he whispered, “Just remember, sweetheart, turnabout is fair play.”
When we came up for air, I said, “Okay, I may or may not own a few restaurants between here and my apartment.”
“What kind of restaurants?” Flynn asked suspiciously.
“The kind that you’ll only get to eat at on special occasions.”
“Like my birthday?”
“Yes, your birthday.”
“And obviously Christmas.”
“Obviously,” I agreed. “Since I’m horny as hell and somehow need to ride seven blocks with a massive hard-on in front of hundreds of cops, reporters, and complete strangers, I’m going to speed this up a bit. No smoothies on any of the major holidays.”
“Are you talking about all the holidays that are recognized for the federal government or is there some wiggle room there? And what about the days before and after the actual holiday? And days like Black Frid?—”
I silenced him with a hard kiss. “Can we talk about this after you’re done fucking me senseless?”
Flynn nodded. “That’ll work. But it’ll probably be coming up during the fucking.”
I shivered at the thought of Flynn edging me until I gave in to anything he asked for. “Fine, I own the McDonalds around the corner and there’s a pizza place at the end of the block. And since this is New York, we can order anything you want at any hour of the day, but only after I’m satisfied that you’ve put your best effort forth.”
“Deal,” he began just as BJ gave my man a hard nudge. “Right,” Flynn murmured. “I don’t suppose that fancy apartment of yours has a freight elevator.”
“It does,” I said guardedly.
“And all that smoothie crap. I don’t suppose you have enough of all those green leafy vegetables to feed someone who’s say… hungry as a horse?”
I looked at BJ. “Flynn, this gorgeous, perfect, amazing guy brought you back to me. He can eat anything in my apartment that he wants and I’ll even give him your side of the bed when he’s ready for bedtime.” I gave BJ a big smooch on his face. “Just wait till I’m wearing my Racy Red lipstick. It’s a shade to die for and you have just enough white on your gorgeous face to leave plenty of kisses on.”
“What about me?” Flynn asked.
“Okay, okay. I’ll let you wear it too, but I think it would be more special if you use a different shade when it’s ‘just you and your horse’ at night.” I began to laugh at Flynn’s annoyed expression. As expected, he was remembering the night when he’d admitted to calling his horse by the animal’s full name when it was just the two of them and I’d nearly busted a gut from laughing so hard.
“Your place, now,” Flynn growled.
“What about all that food?—”
He reached around BJ and tugged me forward. “Now,” he demanded.
“If I disobey, are you going to spank me?” I asked.
Flynn’s eyes widened and then, without warning, he scooped me up and tossed me on BJ’s back, but he made sure to put me at the front of the saddle. When his big body ended up behind mine, I knew he’d bested me because not only was I hard as a rock, I was now going to have to spend however long it took to reach my place with my dick rubbing against the saddle and my ass riding Flynn’s erection.
I reached for my phone and began making calls. By the time I was done, the maintenance crew for my apartment building had guaranteed that the freight elevator would be empty and open by the time I arrived home. The men had balked when I’d mentioned that I’d be expecting several bales of hay to be arriving within the hour, but they’d quickly gotten past the obvious question and simply told me it would happen. I was definitely going to owe the pair a big Christmas bonus.
“All set,” I said as Flynn maneuvered BJ out the sliding doors. To his credit, BJ didn’t balk as cameras began flashing and reporters started screaming questions at us. Luckily, the police helped make a path for us. I’d probably have a lot of explaining to do when the police commissioner called me after the holiday, but I’d figure something out.
As we cleared the crowd, I said to Flynn, “Just so you know, I’ll walk BJ when he needs to do his business, but you’re the one who is going to be following us around with a shovel and heavy-duty garbage bag.”
“All right, but I’m upping the number of kids we have to five and twins still count as one. That’s a lot of dirty diapers and you’re going to have to change at least some of them.”
“Okay, all the kids you want and I change all the diapers on the last one.”
“Nice try,” Flynn said. “Since the last one will already be out of diapers by the time we decide he or she is the last one, you’re going to need to do better.”
“Fine. Any number of kids you want, I don’t change a single diaper, you still drink the smoothies I make you, and you can fuck me whenever, wherever, and however you want.”
Flynn chuckled. “I already get to do that last part, remember? Don’t worry, I’ll buy you one of those toy dolls that pretends to poop its diaper for real. That way you’ll have something to practice on long before the first kid comes along. Now take me home. You’ve got a lot of riding practice ahead of you.”
Between Flynn’s sexy wink and the knowing smile he shot me when I looked over my shoulder, I was pretty certain my riding practice and the subsequent sore ass I’d have afterwards had absolutely nothing to do with BJ or any other four-legged creature.
“Fine, deal,” I groused.
Flynn leaned down and said, “It’s not a deal if you’re coming on top, sweetheart.”
“You mean coming out on top.”
He chuckled. “You sure?”
“Damn it,” I pretended to grumble under my breath. I leaned back against Flynn and ground my ass against his groin. “By the way, did I mention that I ordered a couple extra hay bales just in case we need them for… something else ?”
I was sure I heard Flynn growl a couple of curse words, but since he’d urged BJ into a trot, it was hard to hear. No doubt the man would have had BJ galloping if the terrain and weather would have allowed it. As it was, I was enjoying the ride since Flynn was holding me so tightly against his chest that his dick rubbed against my ass with every step BJ took. I had a feeling we weren’t even going to make it off the freight elevator before Flynn had me pressed up against the wall and his dick lodged deep inside of me.
I smiled the closer we got to my apartment because it hit me that even though we would probably have a lot of decisions that would require a good deal of negotiation, I was pretty sure that not only would I always have the last word, I’d always be the one to come out on top. Either way, it sure as hell was going to be fun trying.