Chapter 9
ISLA
Pippa was everything, the apple of my eye and her daddy’s most heartbreaking loss. Although, the arrogant, self-serving Mafia man didn’t know what he’d lost because no one mattered more to him than himself.
My sweet girl bobbled on her bottom, trying to balance herself, as she looked over her shoulder at me.
She’d started sitting independently a week ago.
But Alba, my friend and Pippa’s babysitter surrounded her with soft pillows just in case she toppled over.
Alba was wonderful and did everything I requested and never teased me about being overprotective.
Pippa was a little behind reaching some milestones compared to other babies her age. But to me, she was sweet perfection. And the most advanced, seven-month-old to ever be born.
My lovebug was a force to be reckoned with and would conquer the world. Nothing would keep her down, not even being born eight weeks early with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. She’d blown the socks off her doctor and the nurses at how quickly she recovered in the NICU.
Everyone who knew Pippa believed that one day she would rule the universe.
Of course she would, she was her father’s daughter, a Remotti.
Her chocolate-brown eyes were full of hesitation. In one hand, she clutched her favorite yellow plushie fish. In the other, she held her pink blankie. My God she was precious and it shredded my heart to leave her. Being apart from each other hadn’t been easy for either of us.
My heart ached as I stared at my daughter. Guilt and sadness consumed me every day. I felt like I failed her, though I tried to be the best mother to her.
I hated dropping her off at Alba’s. Hated it with every fiber of my being. It should be me with Pippa, not Alba, one of only a few friends I had in this city. She shouldn’t get to love and care for my precious baby, because I couldn’t.
Somebody needed to pay the bills. That somebody was me.
I worked my butt off to keep a roof over my sweet Pippa’s head and food on the table. There was only me and no one else.
Not even my selfish, older sister helped me. Since Elsie and I reconnected, it had been hell. All she did was take what little I had.
There wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change my situation because I hadn’t even graduated. Nobody would hire me without a degree. No matter how talented I was, it didn’t matter without a freaking degree.
Curse my pathetic life.
Stop it!
I sounded like my mother, and I never wanted to be anything like her. I shook the whiny, doom-and-gloom vibe away before Pippa sensed it.
I’d made a choice the night Ciro told me to go ahead and leave and never come back. It’d been the most painful decision I had ever made. But he had been so cold and arrogant, like he didn’t think I would do it. And I almost proved him right when I’d stopped at the door.
But I’d found my strength to walk away and never look back.
Except with Ciro Remotti, nothing was ever easy. Four weeks later, I’d peed on a stick. Six months later, Penelope Giovanna arrived, fighting for her life.
There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my baby girl. I’d work ten jobs to provide for her. Go without sleeping to give her everything she needed.
I’d even make a deal with the devil, so I didn’t have to ask her father for help.
With Ciro, there would be strings attached.
Expectations. Which was why I hadn’t touched one penny of the money he’d deposited into my account.
At times, it wasn’t easy knowing I had half a million dollars, but I feared using any of it would bite me in the ass later.
Unlike my mother, I owned my shit and would make sure my child was cared for and loved.
It wasn’t easy, but I was doing my best, being both mother and father to my child. I prayed I would be enough for her, so she never felt unwanted like me.
I smiled, crouching beside her. “Love you, lovebug. Mommy will be back soon.” I swallowed hard, feeling as if my lungs were collapsing. It completely gutted me to leave her.
“She’ll be fine,” Alba cooed, patting my shoulder.
I stared at my baby girl. Selfishly, I didn’t want her to be fine. I wanted her to be miserable without me, as I was without her.
But I nodded just the same and forced a smile. “I know. It’s just hard, you know?” I ghosted my hand over the top of Pippa’s head, desperate to caress it. If I touched her, she’d cry for me to hold her, and I couldn’t. I’d be late for work if I picked her up.
“It’ll get easier. We should do something tonight. Dinner. Maybe a movie. My mom can watch Pippa. You know she’d love to.”
“No. I’ll be too tired to do anything. She hasn’t been sleeping well.”
Pippa watched me like a hawk as I talked about her. It was like she understood what I was saying and felt bad for keeping me up. I wished my sweet girl could tell me what was waking her at night.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” I told Alba. “She starts to fuss at one o’clock on the dot. It takes me an hour or two of walking the floor with her until she settles back down.”
“Poor baby.” She made a sympathetic face. “And poor you, babe.”
“It’s fine. Babies do this…” I eyed her, envious of how she worked from home and could be with my baby.
She was doing me a major favor, caring for Pippa when she already had a full-time job as a medical transcriptionist. She charged me next to nothing and I appreciated her help immensely.
There was no one else I trusted more with my lovebug, especially not my sister.
“True, they do. And that’s why you need a break.” She wasn’t wrong but I couldn’t afford to take a me day.
“I better go or I’ll be late for the second time this week.” I quickly kissed Pippa’s head, breathing in baby lotion mixed with her natural scent. Her sweet essence was so intoxicating. It took everything in me to walk away.
Pippa whimpered, and I sensed she was reaching for me. I didn’t have to see to know because I’d seen her do it more than a dozen times.
God, it hurt.
“No cry, baby. Momma will be back soon. Momma will be back soon,” I told her in a soft voice from the door. I opened it, our gazes locked, then I dashed out as she started to wail.
Covering my ears and closing my eyes, I died inside. I gave myself permission to feel what I was feeling. Only a few seconds though, because in the end, I was confident we’d both be okay.
We were strong.
Fighters.
Resilient.
It just sucked that we couldn’t be together twenty-four seven like we wanted.
I slid into the driver’s seat of my ancient Honda Civic, stuck the key into the ignition, and held my breath until it sputtered to life. Before I moved to the Bay Area, I traded in the fancy BMW Ciro had given me for my twenty first birthday because I needed the money for a fresh start.
Commuters were on the roads, heading to San Francisco like me. I had an hour-long drive due to the traffic. I really should’ve been on the road at seven, but I had lingered too long with Pippa.
God, I hope there aren’t any accidents.
If I could afford to live in the city, I wouldn’t waste two hours each day in the car, and I could spend them with Pippa.
I sighed at the thought. Two extra hours with Pippa would be heavenly.
Anytime I had nothing occupying my attention, like now sitting in traffic, my mind always wandered to Pippa’s daddy.
It was impossible not to think of Ciro when our daughter had his mesmerizing brown eyes.
They were also Ciro’s mother’s eye color.
Out of the three Remotti boys, Ciro was the only one with brown eyes like Giovanna, who had died when Ciro was five.
Roman and Luca had hazel-green eyes like their mother, Silvia.
Goosebumps covered my arms when I remembered Ciro was in San Francisco. He’s in San Francisco repeated in my head. He’s in San Francisco.
Or maybe he returned to Canada like I’d asked him to.
Why, after all this time, would he just show up? I’d been doing better. Now, I felt raw and weak again.
“Stop it. You don’t need him.”
I cranked up the radio and searched the stations for something upbeat. Finally, Madonna belted out “Lucky Star,” and I sang right along with her. The one and only good thing my mom had done for me, had been introducing me to eighties music. For that, I was grateful.
Music helped kill time and diverted my thoughts off Ciro. However, it wasn’t nearly enough of a reprieve from the man who’d broken my heart.
Damn him for coming back!
Though the morning was gray and kind of sad, matching my current mood, I needed to shake it off. I didn’t want my boss or co-workers to question if I was okay.
I was rarely okay.
But Madonna had me wiggling my body in my seat. I imagined the video of her dancing and wished I could move like her. When I was a little girl, I’d wanted to take dance lessons, but my mother had told me I wasn’t good enough and it would be a waste of money.
Now that I was older, I knew my mother didn’t have the money to begin with. Still, her words had been hurtful. I’d believed I wasn’t good enough and never joined my friends on the dance floor at school dances.
If Pippa asked to take dance lessons, I’d figure out a way to pay for them.
The upbeat song ended, and a familiar piano solo began.
Our song.
Tears immediately stung my eyes. I hadn’t heard “No One” by Alicia Keys since the night we danced under the stars at the party—the night I’d walked out of Ciro’s life.
Why did it have to come on the day after seeing Ciro? This wasn’t what I needed when I already felt vulnerable. Still, I let the song play as tears rolled down my face. It was a reminder of how Ciro wasn’t the one for me. Or more like I wasn’t the one for him.
I hated how the song affected me so painfully. It shouldn’t since Ciro was the one who broke us. I’d loved him with my whole heart, and he couldn’t give me the commitment or the love I needed and deserved in return.
When I was hurting, he wasn’t around…
I slammed my hand on the steering wheel. I didn’t want to think about Ciro or what we once had or how it ended.
“Damn you for coming back.” I let out an angry scream, something I never did. But, in the process, I released some stress, so maybe it was a good thing.
Or not…
A sob hit with vengeance as I sat in traffic. I hadn’t cried this hard in months. I’d been doing better. Better after Ciro had thrown me away. Better after having his baby and struggling to make ends meet.
I was doing better.
Why would he just show up out of the blue? He hadn’t called or texted once. I hadn’t changed my number to make it easier for him to find me. Dumb, right?
Burying my face in my hands, I let myself cry.
I just wanted to get to work so I could forget about Ciro.