8. Hazel
CHAPTER 8
Hazel
My knees are weak as I throw up—the fourth time this week. God, what the hell is going on? I shake my head, I already know what's going on, I'm just too chicken shit to find out. I'm scared that what I'm thinking is true and then what'll happen?
It's been eight weeks since I walked away from Joe. Eight weeks since we had sex and he made it clear that nothing was going to change. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I wish things were different, but they're not. He's married and that's something I knew. I was an idiot for thinking a married man would walk away from a woman he's been married to for more than two decades. I'm the fool and there's no going back now. What's happened has happened and while I wish that I was strong enough to say no to him the night of the event, I wasn't, and now we're here.
I haven't seen him at all in the past two months. I've been working from home. Hiding from him. I really don't want to see him. I'm trying really hard to push through each day. I need the distance; I need the space. After we had sex those feelings that I felt intensified, and I've fell so fucking hard for him. I'm in love with my boss and by falling for him I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I don't know how the hell I'm going to push past this, but I do know that I will. No matter what, I need to get over Joe Raineri.
Once I'm feeling better, I get to my feet and rummage through my drawer under the sink. My fingers wrap around the box I purchased yesterday. I had bought them just in case, hoping and praying that it was just a bug I had, but I know better than that. This isn't a bug, this is so much more. I throw up and then in a few moments I feel better, that's definitely not a bug.
I open the box of pregnancy tests and take them. Not one, not two, but the entire box. I need to know for sure. Once I'm finished, I start a timer and wait.
I have no clue what's going to happen if it's positive—something I know that it will be—I'm not ready to be a mom, I never thought about having kids. Not to mention, Joe's already got a kid, she's my age for crying out loud. How the hell would this work?
My heart starts to race, and my palms begin to sweat. I'm freaking out. I begin to pace, trying to sift through all the thoughts in my head. God, what the hell am I going to do?
My cell buzzes as the alarm sounds. It's time. I glance at the sticks that are lined up.
Fuck. Pink lines. Every. Fucking. One. Of. Them.
I'm pregnant. Shit.
What happens now?
"What's going on?" Briar whispers as she crouches down in front of me.
My best friend is the best. She's been calling me all day and I haven't been answering. I needed a breather, some time to think about what I plan on doing. Of course, Briar being Briar isn't going to let that happen and she came to my apartment and let herself in. This is where she found me lying on the sofa still in my pajamas watching reality TV.
"Sweetie, you're scaring me." She runs her fingers through my hair, offering me comfort and love.
I swallow hard. God, why is it hard to say the words? "I'm pregnant," I whisper back, closing my eyes not wanting to see the disappointment in her own.
I know that when my parents find out they’ll be disappointed. I never wanted this to happen, I had so many plans, so many dreams. I wanted to be married, have an amazing job, have my life on track before I even thought about children. But sometimes life doesn’t always go the way you expect.
Growing up I loved life, I was loved, my parents adored both Becca and I, they showered us in so much love and affection that it showed me the way I wanted to be a parent—to have two parents so in love and so happy—that’s what I wanted and now look at me. I’m pregnant by a married man.
How stupid am I?
"Oh sweetie," she says softly. "How are you feeling?"
"I've been throwing up in the morning, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm fast asleep. I'm so damn tired. It's what made me take the test." I open my eyes and see that she's watching me intently "I wished it wasn't positive, but they are."
She raises a brow. "They?"
I grin, despite how scared I am, I grin. "I took a couple."
"Couple?"
"Maybe five," I whisper. "That's what was in the box."
She throws her head back and laughs. "Oh Hazel," she giggles. "You're funny, one would have given you the result."
I glare at her. "It could have been lying."
She shakes her head, all the while laughing her ass off. "So, what happens now?"
I sit up, bringing my legs to my chest. "I don't know," I confess. "I have no idea where to go from here."
"Have you spoken to Joe?" she questions. "Does he know?"
"I haven't spoken to him other than in email since the night of the event. I would prefer to keep it that way."
She takes my hand as she sinks down onto the sofa beside me. "Sweetie, I love you, but you can't ignore him or this forever. You're going to have to speak with him eventually, he's your boss and now he's the father of your child."
"I know, I'm just not ready for it."
"Why?" she questions.
"I'm still hurt, still feel stupid."
She shakes her head. "No, you're far from stupid. So damn far from it. You fell in love with a man, sure, it was your boss, and things are now crazy, but you've done nothing wrong."
My laughter is mirthless. "Nothing wrong? I slept with a married man, one that I knew was married. I have no one to blame for this situation other than myself."
She scoffs. "It takes two to do the horizontal mambo, sweetie, so it's not just you. He's the married man, not you."
I can always count on Briar to make me smile and pick me up when I'm at my lowest. "So, you're telling me that I need to tell him?"
She pats my hand. "That's exactly what you need to do. But first you need to shower and look presentable. Can you do that?"
I scowl at her. "Of course, but can't I just call him?"
"Hazel," she says, sterner than before. "Would you want to be told that type of news over the phone?"
I sigh. She's right. I need to do it face to face.
"Call him and tell him to come over, you can lay it all out and then talk. You both have a child on the way now, you can't exactly ignore the man for the rest of your life."
Oh, how I wish I could. "Fine. I'll send him a message asking him to stop by after work. That'll give me time to shower and tidy the apartment."
She beams, pulling me into her arms. "I'm so excited, I'm going to be auntie Bri."
I'm glad that one of us is happy about this. I know that it's going to take me some time to come around to it, but once I do, I'll be happy. I know it. I think this situation with Joe just amplified my feelings.
"Text the man, then shower. I'm going to help clean," she says as she gets to her feet. "No matter what, Hazel, you're not alone. You'll get through this and once you've wrapped your mind around it and let everyone know about the baby, your family will be happy. Becca and I will be fighting over auntie duties."
I love how optimistic she is and while I wish I could believe that I know my parents are going to be pissed that I'm pregnant to a man who's the head of the mafia. But like me, it'll take some time to come around to the idea and once they do, it'll be fine. That's what I have to believe, otherwise I'll have another freak out.
I snatch up my cell from my table and quickly type out a message to Joe, letting him know that I'd like to speak to him this evening after work and if he could stop by when he's finished. The man doesn't make me wait long; he responds quickly.
Joe: Of course. I'll be there after six.
I take a steadying breath. Okay. I can do this. Just one thing at a time. Right now, shower. Then I'll focus on everything else that needs to be done.
There's a rap at my door and all the air leaves my lungs. He's here. Crap. I don't think I'm actually ready for this. But I have to do it. Briar is right, I can't ignore him forever. He's the father of our unborn child and there's no way that I could or ever would keep it from him.
I pull in a ragged breath and another, until I'm able to breathe properly, once I'm sure I won't faint from lack of oxygen, I move toward the front door.
With a shaky hand, I reach for the doorknob and turn it slowly. The hinges creak as the door swings open, revealing Joe standing on the other side. But instead of the confident and charming man I once knew, he looks worn down and exhausted. "Joe," I say softly, my heart aching at the sight of him.
His eyes meet mine, filled with a mixture of longing and regret. For a moment, neither of us speak, the silence stretching between.
"May I come in?" Joe finally asks, his voice barely above a whisper. I nod wordlessly, stepping aside to let him pass. "How are you doing Hazel?" he asks once I shut the door behind him.
"About the same as you," I reply. "Look, I'm sorry for how I acted?—"
He shakes his head. "No, you were right. I've treated you badly. As hard as I've tried to put a professional distance between us, I haven't managed that at all. Instead, I've been drawn to you, I've tried, fuck me, but I've tried, but I can't. The night at the event, I gave up fighting what I felt."
I suck in a sharp breath, my gaze locked with his. "Joe," I whimper. I'm unsure as to what to say. "You're married."
He nods. "I am, I'm in the midst of a divorce, the bitch is trying to fight me at every fucking turn." He scrubs a hand down his face, he looks exhausted. I hate that. "I don't want her to taint you, baby," he says thickly. "She's a viper. She's always been a fucking viper. She'll poison everything she touches, and I won't let her do that to you. It's why I've tried to stay away."
"What happens now?" I ask. I need to know how he wants to move forward.
"I don't know. You've been gone for two months. You wouldn't answer the door, you don't return my calls, the only time I can speak to you is via email."
"I fell for you," I say softly. "I let myself fall for a married man." I shake my head. "I knew better, when we kissed, that's all that I could think about. There was this pull between us and nothing. You were a married man and you acted like the kiss didn't faze you, that it meant nothing. I tried. God, I tried so fucking hard to push it aside and carry on as though nothing happened." Tears burn the back of my eyes. "I was finally getting there, and that fucking event happened. Why couldn't you just walk away?" I ask, wondering why he didn't do exactly that.
"You think you're not the only one that fell?" he snaps. "You think you're not the only one that felt something? Fuck, Hazel. You are all that I fucking think about. I've got a kid, a grandchild, and a fucking bitch who won't leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to sort my business out and then there's you. So fucking beautiful, so fucking innocent and I want you more than I want my next meal. But I need to protect you from my world, from that viper, and there's only so much of your beauty that I can withstand."
I stare at him, completely shocked by his words.
"You asked what happens now?" he says and I nod. "I'm done with waiting around. Two months I've not seen you; I'm not waiting any longer. I want you, Hazel."
"What about your wife?"
His grin is feral. "Soon to be fucking ex-wife. Trust me, that bitch doesn't matter any more."
Can I believe that? Is there really nothing between them? Yes. He's always made that clear. I know that he wouldn't lie to me about that, he's been forthcoming about their relationship, I just didn't know they were getting a divorce. For the first time in over two months, I feel at ease, like I'm able to breathe free.
"I think you need to sit down," I tell him. "I have something to tell you."
His brows knit together. "What's going on?"
I bite my lip, wondering what's the best way to go about telling him this? I decide to just come out and say it. "I'm pregnant."
His eyes widen in shock, then quickly soften with so much tenderness that it takes my breath away. "Pregnant? You're pregnant?" His voice cracks with emotion, it's filled with awe. "Are you sure?"
I nod slowly, my heart pounding in my chest. "Yes," I reply softly. "I took multiple tests just to be certain."
He stands there for a moment, staring at me with a mix of emotions swirling in his eyes. Then, unexpectedly, a smile breaks out on his face - a genuine, joyful smile that lights up his features. "Fuck, that's great news."
"It is?" I stutter. "Really?"
He closes the distance between us, pulling me tightly into his arms. "Yes, fuck, you have no idea how happy this makes me. Sure, it wasn't planned, but a baby?"
Relief unlike any other fills me. I press my face into his chest, trying my hardest not to let the tears fall.
His arms tighten around me, and he holds me close. "Fuck, Hazel, you've made me a happy man."
"Does this mean I can come back to work now?" I ask and smile when he bursts out laughing. "I'm going a little stir-crazy working from home."
"Yes baby, you can come back to work. I've missed you."
I stay in his arms, loving the support that he's giving me. Maybe things won't be as bad as I had been thinking. I never expected him to be this happy. But seeing his reaction, it erased all the fears that I've had.
Maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to see where this connection we have leads us.