Chapter 31 Vespera #2
He adjusts his angle, hitting spots that should make me see stars. His thumb finds my clit, working in tandem with his thrusts. Everything technically correct.
But I'm not getting closer. If anything, I'm getting further away.
"Harder," I gasp. "Ben, harder—"
He complies, hips snapping faster. Sweat dripping onto my skin. His breathing harsh in my ear. He's close—I can feel it in the way his rhythm falters.
And I'm nowhere. Floating in this weird space between arousal and frustration.
"Come for me," he murmurs. "Please, Vespera. Want to feel you—"
"I can't." The admission tears out of me. "I'm trying but I can't—"
"What do you need?" His voice is strained. "Tell me what you need."
"I don't know!" Tears leak from my eyes. "It feels good but it's not enough. You're not—"
I cut myself off before I can finish. Before I can say what we both know.
He's not pack. Not Alpha. Not theirs.
And my body won't accept anything else.
"Keep going," I say, even though I know it's futile. "Maybe if you just—maybe I need more time—"
He keeps moving, determined now. Trying every angle, every rhythm, every trick he knows. His fingers working my clit with increasing desperation.
But nothing works.
I'm wet enough. I'm aroused enough. My body is cooperating in every technical sense.
Except the one that matters.
I can't come. Can't even get close. It's like there's a wall between me and pleasure, and no matter how hard Ben works, he can't break through it.
"Fuck," he gasps, hips stuttering. "Vespera, I'm gonna—I can't hold—"
"It's okay," I whisper. "Just finish."
He does, spilling inside me with a broken groan. Collapsing against me, breathing hard.
And I just lie there. Frustrated. Empty. Aching with need my body won't let him satisfy.
He pulls out carefully, and I can feel his come leaking out of me. The physical evidence of what should have been intimate. What should have worked.
"Did you—" he starts, but stops when he sees my face.
"No."
He sits back, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck."
"It's not—"
"Don't." His voice is sharp. "Don't say it's not me. Because what the fuck else could it be? I just—we just—" He gestures between us. "And you didn't even get close?"
"Ben—"
"I tried everything." There's an edge to his voice now. Hurt pride mixing with genuine confusion. "Every angle, every rhythm, I worked your clit the entire time. I know what I'm doing, Vespera. I've never had a partner who couldn't—"
"I know." Tears burn my eyes. "I know you did everything right."
"Then why?" He's staring at me like I'm a puzzle he can't solve. "Is it me? My size? The fact that I'm Beta? What—"
"It's the bonds." The admission feels like failure. "It's what they did to me. My body won't—it can't—"
"Bullshit." He stands, starts pulling on his clothes with jerky movements. "That's convenient. 'Oh, sorry Ben, biology says I can only fuck Alphas now.' Do you hear how that sounds?"
"I'm not lying—"
"I'm not saying you're lying." He turns to face me, and there's real hurt in his eyes now. "I'm saying it's fucked up. I just—I came inside you. And you're telling me you felt nothing? Not even a little bit?"
"It felt good," I try. "Just not—"
"Not good enough." He laughs bitterly. "Yeah. I got that. Trust me, when a woman can't even pretend to be close, you fucking notice."
"I wasn't pretending—"
"That's the problem!" His voice rises. "You weren't pretending. You were genuinely trying and your body just... rejected me. Do you know how that feels? To put everything you have into making someone feel good and watching them just... nothing?"
Shame floods through me. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize." He pulls his shirt on. "Don't fucking apologize for something those Alphas did to you. But don't expect me to be okay with it either."
"I didn't expect—"
"Yes you did." He's pacing now. "You expected me to be understanding. Patient. The nice Beta who accepts whatever scraps you can give. Well guess what? I'm not that nice. This fucking hurt, Vespera."
"I know—"
"Do you?" He stops, looks at me. "Because from where I'm standing, you just used me to prove a point. To see if you could still want someone else. And when your body said no, you expected me to what? Pat you on the head and say 'there, there, it's biology'?"
"That's not fair—"
"None of this is fair!" His voice cracks. "I transferred schools for you. I've been patient and understanding and everything a good friend should be. And you just—you let me fuck you knowing it wouldn't work. Knowing your body wouldn't respond. Why? To prove something to yourself? To them?"
I flinch. Because he's right.
"I thought maybe," I whisper. "I hoped maybe if we just tried, if it was different than fingering, if we went all the way—"
"Well now we know." He sits on the floor, head in his hands. "Your body belongs to them. Completely. And I just came inside you while you felt nothing. That's going to fuck with my head for a while."
"Ben—"
"I need a minute." He doesn't look at me. "Just... give me a minute to process that I'm apparently not enough for you. That nobody but pack will ever be enough."
We sit in silence. Him on the floor, me against the wall. The weight of what just happened settling over us.
"I'm sorry," I finally say. "You're right. I shouldn't have—I was selfish. I used you to try to prove something and that wasn't fair."
"No. It wasn't." He looks up, and his eyes are red. "But I let you. Because I wanted to believe I could be enough. That maybe the bonds weren't as absolute as everyone says."
"I wanted to believe that too."
"Yeah." He stands, offering me his hand. "But we were both wrong."
I let him pull me up. Stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.
"I'm not giving up," he says finally. "On being your friend. On being there when you need someone who isn't pack. But Vespera?" His voice hardens. "Don't ask me to fuck you again. Don't use me to prove points about your bonds. That shit hurt, and I'm not doing it twice."
"I won't," I promise. "I'm so sorry, Ben. You deserved better than that."
"Yeah." His smile is bitter. "I really did."
"Nothing's wrong." He kisses my forehead, so fucking sweet it makes my chest ache. "Your body's been through a lot. The bonds, the claiming. Sometimes it takes time to—"
"It's not that." I push him away, suddenly needing distance. "It's that my body won't respond unless it's them. We just—we fucked and I couldn't even get close. You came inside me and I felt nothing."
The words are brutal. Honest.
His face falls. "Vespera—"
"It's not you," I say quickly. "You did everything right. You were good. But my body..." I gesture helplessly. "The bonds did something to me. Changed something fundamental. And now I can't even come unless it's with them."
The words hang in the air. Ugly. True.
"The Alphas," he says quietly.
"Yeah." I slide down the wall to sit on the floor, head in my hands. "The bonds did something to me. Changed something fundamental. And now I can't—" My voice cracks. "I can't even come unless it's with them."
Ben sits beside me, pulling his shirt off to wipe his hand clean before handing me my leggings. No judgment. No anger. Just quiet understanding.
"That's fucked up," he says finally.
"Yeah."
"But also... kind of fascinating? From a biological perspective?"
Despite everything, I laugh. It comes out wet and broken. "You're such a nerd."
"Theater nerd," he corrects. Putting his arm around me. Safe. Platonic. Friend.
Not lover. Never lover. Because my body won't let him be.
"I'm sorry," I whisper.
"For what?"
"For trying to use you to prove something."
"You weren't using me." He squeezes my shoulder. "You were trying to figure out if you still had choices. If the bonds control everything or just some things."
"And?"
"And now you know." He pulls me closer. "They don't control your heart. Your mind. Who you care about. But your body..." He trails off.
"My body belongs to them." The realization sits heavy in my chest. "Even when I don't want it to. Even when I'm trying to prove otherwise. The bonds made sure of that."
"Biology's a bitch," he says.
"Understatement of the century."
We sit there in silence, my head on his shoulder, his arm around me. Comfort without expectation. Friendship without the complicated desire that brought us here.
"I should go home," I say eventually. "They're probably losing their minds."
"They're your mates," he points out. "Losing their minds is kind of their job when you're out with another man at 1 AM."
"We didn't do anything." Technically. "Just practiced."
"We did more than practice." He stands, offers me his hand. "But yeah. Nothing that needs to be reported to the Alpha council."
I let him pull me up. "Thank you. For being understanding. For not making this worse."
"I'm not giving up," he says. "On being your friend. On being there when you need someone who isn't pack. But I get it now. Your body made a choice even if your mind didn't."
"My body's an asshole."
"Your body's just trying to survive." He hands me my bag. "Go home, Vespera. Go back to your Alphas. Let them give you what I can't."
The words hurt more than they should. Because he's right. They can give me something he can't. Not because they're better or more deserving.
But because biology decided for me.