Chapter 18 #2
She studied my face. Whatever she saw there made her expression soften. "Come in."
Her apartment was small but bright—white walls covered in art posters, bookshelves overflowing, a easel by the window with a half-finished painting of the Sagrada Família.
"Sit," she said, gesturing to a worn couch. "Do you want tea?"
"No. Thank you."
She sat across from me in a mismatched armchair. "What's going on?"
"I wanted to apologize," I said. "For the lessons. For teaching you things I'm not sure I believe anymore."
Maria tilted her head. "Where's the other Elder? The one who always looked like he'd rather be anywhere else?"
The question hit me like a fist to the chest.
“Eli,” I said. My voice came out rough. "His name was Eli.”
"Right. Eli.” She leaned forward. "He's not with you anymore?"
"No."
"What happened?"
I opened my mouth. Closed it. Tried to find a version of the truth that wouldn't damn me.
But I was so tired of lying.
"He fell in love with me," I said quietly. "Or I fell in love with him. I don't know who fell first. Maybe it was both of us at the same time."
Maria's eyes widened slightly, but she didn't interrupt.
"We tried not to. Tried to stay obedient, keep the rules, pretend we could just be companions and missionaries and nothing more.
" My hands were shaking. "But we couldn't. And when it all fell apart, he took the blame.
Told President Dalton he'd manipulated me, seduced me, that I was innocent and he was the predator. "
"But that wasn't true."
"No. We both chose it. Both wanted it. But he knew they'd destroy us both if the truth came out, so he lied. Made himself the villain so I could stay."
"And you let him."
The words weren't accusatory. Just factual. But they cut deeper than any condemnation.
"I let him," I confirmed. "I stayed silent while they sent him home in disgrace.
While President Dalton told me I'd been led astray by a manipulative apostate.
While everyone looked at me with pity instead of condemnation.
" My voice broke. "I let him sacrifice himself for me because I was too afraid to lose everything. "
Maria was quiet for a long moment.
"What did you lose?" she asked finally.
"What?"
"By staying. By accepting his sacrifice. What did you lose?"
I thought about the last three weeks. The emptiness. The sleepless nights. The testimony I couldn't bear. The Spirit I couldn't feel.
"Everything," I whispered. "I lost everything anyway. Just more slowly."
"And him? Eli? What did he lose?"
"Everything. His mission, his standing in the church, his family's respect. They'll have convened a disciplinary council by now. He's probably been excommunicated."
"For loving you."
"For being honest about loving me."
Maria stood. Walked to the window. Looked out at Barcelona spread below.
"I asked you a question once," she said. "In one of our lessons. About gay people and eternal families."
"I remember."
"You got very uncomfortable. Started talking about trials and faith and how God's love was perfect even when we couldn't understand His plan.
" She turned back to me. "But your companion—Eli—he looked at you like you were breaking.
Like watching you parrot those answers was physically painful for him. "
I closed my eyes.
"I knew then," she said. "Not the specifics. But I knew one or both of you was gay. And I knew the church was destroying you with it."
"We're not supposed to act on it," I said automatically. "Same-sex attraction is a trial, but if we stay faithful—"
"Samuel." She crossed back to me. Knelt in front of the couch so she could look directly into my face. "Listen to yourself. You're not even a missionary right now. You just told me you don't believe anymore. And you're still repeating their words."
"I don't know what else to say."
"Say the truth. Your truth. Not theirs."
I looked at her. This woman I'd tried to convert. This investigator who was supposed to need saving.
"I'm gay," I said. The words felt foreign. Forbidden. "I've always been gay. I came on a mission because I thought if I was obedient enough, God would fix me. Make me normal. Make me want what I'm supposed to want."
"But He didn't."
"No. He sent me Eli instead." A sob caught in my throat. "He sent me someone who saw me. Really saw me. And didn't ask me to be anyone other than who I am. Someone who made me feel like maybe I wasn't broken. Maybe I was just... me."
"That's beautiful."
"It's a sin."
"According to who? Your church?"
"According to God."
"Samuel." Maria's voice was gentle but firm. "I don't believe in your God. But if He exists—if there's really some divine being watching over us—why would He create you this way just to punish you for it? Why would He send you someone to love and then condemn you for loving them?"
"To test me. To see if I'd choose obedience over temptation."
"That's not love. That's cruelty." She sat back on her heels.
"You want to know what I see? I see a beautiful, kind, deeply good person who's been taught to hate the best part of himself.
I see someone who found real love—probably for the first time in his life—and instead of celebrating it, his religion destroyed it. "
"The church didn't destroy it. We broke the rules—"
"The rules are wrong!" Her voice rose. "Samuel, any system that makes you choose between being honest and being loved is broken. Any God who would punish you for incapable of changing something fundamental about yourself is not worthy of worship."
I stared at her.
"Your companion—Eli—what he did for you?
Taking the blame, sacrificing his reputation, his standing, everything, so you could have a chance?
" She shook her head. "That's the most Christlike thing I've heard since you started teaching me.
That's actual love. Selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love. "
"But it was for sin—"
"It was for you!" She grabbed my hands. "He did it for you. Because he loved you more than he loved his own salvation. And your church took that beautiful, sacred thing and called it predation. Called it manipulation. Destroyed him for it."
The tears came then. Hot and unstoppable. I doubled over, sobbing into my hands while Maria held them tight.
"He loved me," I choked out. "He loved me and I let them destroy him. I stayed silent. I let everyone believe the lie because I was too afraid to lose my family, my faith, my eternal salvation."
"And did staying save any of those things?"
I shook my head.
"So his sacrifice was for nothing."
"No." The word came out sharp. "No. It wasn't for nothing. Because it showed me what love actually looks like. What I'm supposed to be willing to do. What matters more than doctrine or reputation or conditional acceptance."
Maria squeezed my hands. "Then what are you going to do about it?"
I looked up at her. Her face was kind but fierce. An ally I'd never expected to find.
"I'm going to tell the truth," I said. "All of it. I'm going to stop protecting myself and start honouring what he did. What we had."
"Even if it costs you everything?"
"I've already lost everything that matters. The only question is whether I lost it for a lie or for the truth."
She smiled. Sad but proud. "You're braver than you think."
"I'm terrified."
"Brave people usually are." She released my hands and stood. "Samuel, I can't tell you what to believe. But I can tell you what I see. And I see someone who's been taught that love is conditional. That acceptance requires conformity. That being yourself is a sin."
"That's what the church teaches."
"Then the church is wrong." She said it simply. Matter-of-factly. "Any religion that destroys people for being honest about who they are has lost its way. Any God who demands you hate yourself to earn His love isn't God. He's a tyrant."
I thought about eighteen months of perfect obedience. Prayer and fasting and scripture study. Baptisms and lessons and sacrificing everything I wanted.
All in pursuit of a love that was never unconditional in the first place.
"You don't have to stay Mormon," Maria said gently.
"You don't have to keep believing in something that's only brought you pain.
There's a whole world out here—people who will love you exactly as you are. Including Eli, probably, if you can find him. And Eli is free now.” She raised an eyebrow.
"Free from the same system that's been torturing you.
Maybe that's not a punishment. Maybe that's liberation. "
I stood on shaking legs. "I need to go see President Dalton. Tell him everything. Request to go home."
"And then?"
"And then I find Eli. Apologize for staying silent. For letting him believe I'd choose the church over him. For being too afraid to fight for what we had." I met her eyes. "And I try to be worthy of what he did for me."
Maria walked me to the door. Before I left, she pulled me into a quick, tight hug.
"Your church will tell you you're making the wrong choice," she said. "They'll say you're lost, deceived, giving in to Satan. But Samuel? You're not lost. For the first time since I've known you, you actually look like you know where you're going."
"Thank you," I whispered. "For being honest. For seeing us. For asking the questions that started all of this."
"I'm glad I could help." She smiled. "And for what it's worth? I think Eli is very lucky. Not everyone gets loved enough that someone's willing to blow up their entire life for them."
I left her apartment with her words ringing in my ears.
Took the Metro back toward the mission office.
I had a confession to make. A truth to tell. A sacrifice to honour.
And somewhere beyond all of that—somewhere in the ruins of what the church would make of me—I had a future to build.
One where I could finally, honestly, be myself.
Sister Roig looked up when I entered the mission office. Her expression shifted from professional to concerned when she saw my face.