Chapter 34
thirty-four
Briar sat in front of the mirror in her bedroom, carefully plaiting her hair into several smaller braids.
Doing intricate up-dos came with the territory of being a cowgirl in stunt riding, and Briar had learned from an early age how to do it herself.
She hadn’t been able to count on her momma for such things, and since she’d left her former life at the border, she’d been doing ponytails or letting her curls roam free.
But today, she and Tarr would be attending the very formal western wedding of the foreman at the Hammond Family Farm, Mission Redbay, and Briar’s friend and vet, Kristie Higgins.
She smiled at her reflection, because she’d seen the two of them together, and Kristie adored her cowboy fiancé while he made himself a planet to her sun, revolving around her and caring for her in any way he could.
Briar’s thoughts, of course, moved to Tarr, and though a month had passed since her birthday, they’d still only talked about marriage that one and only time. “And we didn’t even do that,” she said to her reflection.
The reason they hadn’t was because of her, and when Tarr made a promise, he kept it. He had not brought up living in his house with him, or marriage, or anything related to it since.
Briar spent every morning and evening with Tarr, first out in the arena and then either at his place or hers. She’d let him take her to her doctor’s appointment for her scans and subsequent doctor’s appointment where they had not found anything that would prevent her from having a baby.
“How I can talk about that and not marrying Tarr, I have no idea.”
They went by his house all the time now, as the general contractor had just scheduled the final inspection, and anything after that would be cosmetic. Tarr would do the finishes himself before he moved out of the RV and into his new permanent house.
“One of his goals checked off,” she said quietly to herself.
Tarr had been very clear with her. He wanted a permanent home after living on the road, traveling for rodeos, and staying in someone else’s house for way too long.
He wanted a wife. He wanted a family. And he wanted this small-town existence that prevailed here on the farm, with Tucker and Bobbie Jo. Knowing Tarr as she did, Briar believed every goal he’d set for himself would be achieved.
She still felt lost, adrift at sea, not quite sure who she was yet.
She’d enjoyed her watercolor class—it had ended only a few days ago—and the same teacher would be doing an advanced class in the fall that Briar had already signed up for.
She loved her job on the farm, and with her contract now open-ended, she didn’t have to worry about that going away.
No, the only unknown in her life stemmed from her relationship with Tarr.
As she started to pin and clip her hair to hold it in place until she could twine it all into an elegant updo, she had the distinct feeling that he would not wait for her forever, despite the promises he’d made.
And you don’t need to test him. That thought sat heavy in her mind, and Briar wanted to kick against it.
“I’m not testing him on purpose,” she whispered, but God thought differently.
She tilted her head and looked into her own eyes.
Hasn’t he proven to you that he’s trustworthy? The thought lingered, and Briar had no idea what to do with it.
“He has,” she finally said, her fingers finally getting every last braid twirled into a crown and pinned in place. “But Lord, why can’t I trust myself? What if I’ve just fallen for him, because he’s so handsome, and so funny, and so good? Haven’t I gotten myself in trouble like this before?”
She thought of her previous boyfriends, and yes, they’d been handsome, and they’d been known to show kindness, but she wasn’t sure she would label any of them as specifically kind and good. Briar had never thought anyone was good the way she thought Tarr was.
“So why does he like me?” she asked herself as she got up from the vanity and moved to step into the pretty purple dress she’d bought for today’s wedding.
She’d barely buckled the silver sandals she hoped she wouldn’t regret wearing when Wiggins flew into a barking fit, rushing toward the door and then back over to where she sat on the edge of the couch, finishing with her shoes.
“Come in,” she called, because she expected their visitor to be Tarr himself.
Sure enough, the devastatingly gorgeous cowboy opened the door, chuckled as he praised Wiggins for his excellent guard-dog skills, and then straightened to look at Briar.
They’d been to church together several times, and he wore something similar now to what he usually did then: black slacks, white shirt, tie, and a jacket.
Today’s wasn’t leather, though, but one that matched his navy-blue pants.
“Wow, you’re looking amazing, honey.” He drew her into his arms and kissed her.
“I’m worried about my shoes,” she said, lifting one heel so he could see them. “They moved their wedding up a whole month, and I don’t know if it’s warm enough to wear an open-toed shoe outside for very long.”
“I don’t think we’re gonna be outside for very long,” Tarr said.
“No?” Briar asked. “Last time I talked to Kristie, she said they’re definitely getting married outside at the farm.”
“Yeah, but I think all the dancing and everything is inside the barn, and it’s heated.”
“Oh, so I might be okay,” Briar said.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he said.
Outside on the porch, the sun shone brightly down. Briar took a deep breath of the springtime air and watched Wiggins as he trotted along the fence line that bordered the front yard from the fields beyond.
“I think if I ever got married,” Briar said, noting the way Tarr whipped his attention to hers. “I would want it to be in the spring like this.” She moved carefully down the steps, holding up her dress so she didn’t trip.
“With a lot of flowers, and a big blue sky with still a little hint of crispness in the air, and all the trees blooming.” She smiled out to the still-leafless trees. “I think April is too early, because those trees don’t even have buds yet, and I want there to be greenery everywhere.”
“Noted,” Tarr said, his tone a little bit scratchy.
“I’ve been thinking a lot, Tarr,” she said as she carefully laced her fingers through his.
They slowly walked down her sidewalk toward his truck.
They had plenty of time to talk on the way to the farm, as it took eighty minutes without traffic, and she didn’t expect any on a lazy Saturday afternoon.
“I think one of the reasons that I haven’t been able to really think too much about getting married is because I would want my parents there.”
“Would you?” he asked, plenty of surprise in the words.
“I think so,” she said. “And that means I have to reach out to them and try for a reconciliation, and that feels really hard.”
“I’ll bet it does,” he said.
They reached his truck, and she turned toward him, looking up into those deep, dark eyes that had captivated her from the moment she’d seen him. “You know how it is; you’ve tried with Wayne.”
“Yeah,” he said. “I do know how it is.”
He opened the door for her and ran his fingers from her elbow to her wrist. “And let me tell you, sweetheart, it’s only that first text or call that’s hard.”
“He still hasn’t responded to you, has he?” she asked.
“No,” Tarr said, shaking his head. “Because making that first call or text is hard, and he doesn’t know how to do it. So you don’t have to figure out everything with your parents, you just have to figure out how to make that first call or send that first text.”
Suddenly, everything felt less overwhelming, and Briar nodded as he whistled for Wiggins to come get in the truck. She had no idea what she would even say to her mom or dad as she got into the passenger seat. The terrifying thought of what they might say back to her ran through her mind.
“What if they say nothing at all?” she wondered aloud as she watched Tarr circle the hood to get behind the wheel.
How did he put up with that rejection day after day?
Briar wasn’t sure she could, and she realized then that one of the reasons she hadn’t tried to get in touch with her parents was because it would hurt too badly if what she suspected was true—that they really were done with her.
A fresh wave of hurt ran through her even as Tarr asked, “Hey, you okay, sweetheart?”
She nodded. For right here, in this moment, she was okay. Overall, she was okay. When she thought of her parents ignoring her the way Wayne did Tarr, she wasn’t okay.
“How do you deal with the rejection?” she asked him.
Tarr glanced over to her, his eyes searching hers in a silent show of questioning.
“The rejection from your brother,” she said. “Tarr, what if my parents don’t respond the way Wayne hasn’t? What if they do respond and say they don’t want to talk to me or don’t want to come to the wedding?”
A troubled look crossed Tarr’s face, and to his credit, he didn’t immediately answer.
After several seconds, he said, “There’s only a few things I know, and one of them is that just like I get to make my own choices, so does everyone else on this planet.
I can’t choose for them, and I can’t change them.
So sometimes the problem is with us, and we have to fix what we’ve done wrong.
We can apologize, we can send cards, we can try to make it right.
But in the end, the other person gets to decide what to do with all of that.
They get to decide what to do with the I’m sorry and the restitution.
We don’t get to decide that, so we have to do the best we can and get to a place where we know we’ve done all we can do. ”
“But how do you know that?” Briar asked.
“God tells me,” Tarr said simply. “And after a couple of weeks, when I think of Wayne again, and I ask, Should I text him again? If God says yes, then I do it. I’m still new at it too, especially when it comes to Wayne, but I’m getting better at listening to my gut and asking for help and then doing what feels right, even if it’s uncomfortable. ”
Briar nodded, her thoughts moving in several directions now. Before she knew it, they had arrived at the Hammond Family Farm, a place that Briar had been several times since Thanksgiving. She smiled as Tarr rounded the bend past the big pine tree that stood sentinel over the farm.
“Man, I love this place,” Tarr said.
“Yeah?” Briar asked. “Why is that?”
“I was in rough shape when Tuck brought me here,” Tarr said. “And this place provided the exact refuge that I needed in my eleventh hour.” He sighed, gazing out his side window. “It saved me in a lot of ways.”
He glanced over to her. “Do you have a place like that?”
“Yeah,” she whispered. “Deerfield.”
Tarr nodded. “Then you get it.”
“Yeah, I think I do,” she said.
The farm she’d visited casually suddenly looked different now that she knew what it meant to Tarr.
He pulled up to the red barn, where several other cars and trucks had already parked. “Looks like the party’s already started,” he said jovially, as he loved nothing more than a good party.
Briar wasn’t as fond of them as he was, but she sure enjoyed his boyish enthusiasm, and she let him come collect her from the passenger side.
She linked her arm through his and followed the signs and the balloons around the side of the red barn to a meadow on the west, where the afternoon sun painted everything in glorious hues of gold and warmth.
Cowboys mingled in jackets and boots and hats, most of them holding flutes of sparkly liquid in their hands. Briar and Tarr joined Tuck and Bobbie Jo, who stood with Tucker’s brother, Deacon, and an older couple that Briar had not met.
“This is my momma and daddy,” Tuck said, indicating the people at his side. “This is our vet tech. She works a ton with Bobbie Jo and the goats, but she checks on our rodeo horses every single day too.”
“It’s great to meet you,” Briar said. “I didn’t catch your names.”
“Gray,” the older man said, reaching out to shake Briar’s hand. “And my wife, Elise.”
She looked at Tucker, who seemed to be made of half of each of them, and then Deacon, who’d definitely come from his daddy but sure didn’t have a lot of his momma’s lighter features.
“Deac’s looking to build himself a new house here,” Tarr said, his voice entering the conversation easily. “Because Gray and Elise here are planning to move back to Ivory Peaks.”
He beamed at them like they’d made a great choice. “Is that still the plan?”
“Yep,” Deacon said, while Gray and Elise simply nodded along.
“It’s a beautiful day for a wedding,” Briar said into the somewhat awkward silence.
“It sure is.” Elise smiled at her and added, “Tuck and Bobbie Jo speak very highly of you.” She shot a glance over to Bobbie Jo herself.
“Oh, well, I’m glad,” she said. “I love working at Deerfield.”
“And we love having her there,” Bobbie Jo said.
“If we could get everyone to come into the tent,” an older gentleman said into a mic, drawing everyone’s attention. “The wedding is going to begin in ten minutes.”
“Let’s go, sweetheart,” Tarr said, and he guided Briar with a hand on the small of her back.
She went with him easily, flowing with the rest of the wedding guests, and marveling that she had no problem believing Tucker and Bobbie Jo when they said they loved having her work for them at the farm.
She didn’t doubt her abilities as a veterinary technician, and in fact, she knew where her limits were and operated inside them. But somehow, she didn’t believe it when Tarr told her she was an amazing person.
How can I know I’m a good vet tech and not a good person? she wondered as she took her seat beside the man who had first forced her to this farm for a Thanksgiving meal.
He lifted his arm around her and leaned his head down. “I would love to know what you’re thinking right now,” he whispered in her ear.
“I don’t even know how to sum it up,” she whispered back. “Why does life have to be so confusing?”
Tarr pressed his lips to her temple, the gesture warm and full of compassion. “I don’t know, sweetheart. But I do know that if there’s anyone who can figure it out, it’s you.”
Irritation fired inside her—an emotion she used to aim at Tarr but now reflected back on herself—because she was the one telling herself she wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t good enough, and could never be loved for who she was.
She knew those thoughts had roots from her childhood, but they had grown deep, and Briar simply didn’t know how to pluck them out and discard them.
Yet.