Chapter 32 Rafe
RAFE
Iwoke up the next morning to the sun peeking through my window.
I stretched and winced as I realized how sore I was.
My body had taken a damn good pounding from Zach the night before.
How many times had we woken through the night and fucked again?
I wasn’t sure. Hopefully, I’d be able to walk today.
I turned over, expecting Zach to be there, wondering if maybe I should use my mouth to wake him up, but his side of the bed was empty. I tensed. He wouldn’t have left, would he? Things weren’t done. We had leads, but we didn’t have Ivanov.
I listened, thinking maybe I’d hear him in the bathroom.
Instead, I heard him talking. He must be on the phone.
I slid out of bed—oh yeah, walking wasn’t going to be that easy.
That only made me smile. I grabbed a pair of shorts and pulled them on.
I opened the door and froze. I heard my name, then silence, and then Zach said:
“I told you, it’s not a problem. You know I’m not stupid enough to fall for someone I’m working with.”
Was he talking about me? He was lying. He wouldn’t admit what we were doing. I wouldn’t either. It was fine. But after another moment of silence, he said, “Of course not. He’s a fucking mobster. And besides, I’m straight. Did you forget that?”
I had to grab the doorframe to stay upright.
No, that wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.
Maybe he wasn’t out at work. That would make a lot of sense.
But the way he said it—so cutting. He’d told me he’d never sucked another man off, but I didn’t think that meant he didn’t think he liked men.
Had he been fucking with me this whole time?
I wanted to run. I didn’t want to hear another word, but I forced myself to stand right there.
“Right. He’s a pain in the ass. I’m using him to get to Ivanov. Once this is done, that’s it. I won’t be talking to him anymore. I’m not going to become some kind of internal spy for the Theriots. What kind of fucking idiot do you think I am?”
I felt sick. My stomach was in a knot. I’d let myself fall for this man. I’d convinced myself I was in love with him the way Dante loved Alex and Lorenzo loved Nikolai. How stupid could I be? It was at that moment that Zach turned around. He saw me standing there, and he knew I’d heard every word.
“I’ve got to go,” he said. After ending the call, he shoved his phone in his pocket and held his hands up in a surrender posture.
I wasn’t going to wait for him to say anything.
“You’re done searching for Ivanov. My family and I will handle it from here.
I don’t care what you tell your superiors.
I don’t care what your excuse is for not getting what you wanted.
You won’t use anything that we’ve learned together, and I will never see you again in my casino. ”
“No, Rafe. I was lying. I didn’t mean any of that.”
“So you are gay? And you have enjoyed fucking me?”
“You know I have, and I…”
This couldn’t be happening. “You’re just a straight guy playing around. Trying me out, seeing what it’s like. Fuck you.”
“No, I’m bi. Fuck, I’ve never said that before. I knew I desired men. But it—God, this makes it all sound worse. I was working. I was undercover.”
“Yeah, like you were with me. Get the fuck out of here before I shoot you.”
He moved closer to me, and I held out my hand to fend him off. “Rafe, I swear to you, this is real, what we have. I’m bisexual. I like men. I like you. I’ve enjoyed everything.”
I snorted. “Yeah, you enjoyed playing with a motherfucking mobster.”
“Rafe, think about tonight. I didn’t stop you.” He reached for me, and I scowled at him as I stepped away.
“Because you love manipulating me.”
He shook his head. “Because I supported you. Nothing you heard was true. I was talking to an assistant director. I had to lie. No one at the bureau can know I got this close to you.”
“You don’t want to tell them you were willing to swallow my dick? They don’t want you to eat my ass?”
“I wasn’t fucking acting! Not tonight, not for a long time. Maybe when we first met, but it changed so fast. I’ve never felt like I do when I’m with you.”
Tears stung my eyes. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t. I was furious with him for using me, and with myself for falling for it. And it hurt. God, it hurt. I fought for composure. “Leave now, Zach. Just leave me alone.”
“Rafe, please. I don’t want you thinking I’d hurt you like this.”
The look in his eyes almost made me reconsider, but what if that was just more acting? “If you’re worried I’m going to put a hit out on you or turn you over to Remington or some shit like that, don’t. I don’t need revenge. I need you out of my sight.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled. “I’ll go, but this isn’t the end. I’m going to make you understand. This is real. I haven’t been playing with you since I thought Andretti was going to slit your throat. If you need anything, you call me. I will come. I will help you no matter what.”
If I said anything else, I was going to start crying.
There were tears in Zach’s eyes too, but I couldn’t believe those.
Clearly, he was a damn good actor. He scooped up his clothes, dressing as quickly as he could.
Then he let himself out the door. I didn’t even know where he was going to go—his car wasn’t here—but I couldn’t make myself worry about it. He could walk home for all I cared.
When Dante opened his door, I could tell he was furious.
“What the fuck are you doing banging like—” His eyes widened as he took in my appearance.
I was in pajama pants and a T-shirt, and I was sure my hair was standing up.
My eyes were red from crying, and if I looked half as bad as I felt, I had to be scary.
“Rafe? What’s wrong? What happened?” He ushered me in and wrapped an arm around my shoulders like he wasn’t sure I could walk.
“I was so fucking wrong. I thought… oh God, I’m so stupid.”
“No, Rafe, you’re not stupid. Tell me what happened. Should I call Lorenzo?”
I shook my head. “No. Yes. Fuck, I don’t know.”
“Maybe tell me first, and then we’ll figure out how to explain it to him.”
“Yeah, I like that.”
As soon as I sat down, I spilled my guts to him, the whole fucking sordid story. I was prepared for Dante to lose his mind, to demand to know where Zach was so he could go and beat the shit out of him. Maybe shoot him. But when I looked up at him, he was frowning.
“The guy you told me about is a federal agent, and you’re in love with him?” His voice was surprisingly calm and steady.
“I was in love with him.”
Dante nodded. “And he’s been helping you find Ivanov?”
“Yes.”
He studied me, and I hated that I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. “Do we need to prepare a counterattack?”
I shook my head. “He’s not going to come after the family. He just wants Ivanov.”
Again, he waited to speak. “Don’t yell at me, but are you absolutely sure he’s lying?”
Anger burned in my chest. “What the fuck, Dante? Are you on his side?”
“No, you know how much I care about you. But I also don’t want you to make a mistake. Is there a possibility he was telling you the truth? Do you think he said all that shit because he thought he had to?”
I took a shaky breath. I was so fucking confused. “I don’t know.”
“What do you think if you let yourself get past the hurt? Take a minute to consider everything else you know about him.”
I looked up and met his eyes. “I thought you wanted me to stay away from him.”
He laid a hand over mine. “Rafe, if you’re in love with him—actually, really in love with him—then I want you to have that. I want you to have what Alex and I do. But if Zach really did use you, he’s going to hurt for it.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want you going after him. I just want him out of my life.”
“Why wouldn’t you want revenge?”
“I don’t know what to believe or what I’m supposed to want.”
“Were there signs that you missed?”
“Dante—”
He took my hands in his. “Think about it. What does his behavior tell you? Was he faking it, and you just hoped he wasn’t? Or was he sincere?”
“How the hell am I supposed to know? I’m not any good at this relationship bullshit.”
“Rafe, you read people well. That helps make you good at what you do.”
I frowned. “You think I’m doing a good job?”
Dante huffed. “Of course I do.”
“Zach said that too.”
“What? That you were doing a good job?”
“Yeah, that too, but he said I read people well.”
Dante tilted his head. “Interesting.”
I tried to draw in a deep breath, but my lungs felt constricted. I didn’t want to think about all the ways Zach had convinced me he cared, but I couldn’t stop myself. “He bandaged my hand. He wouldn’t let me do anything with it. He kept fussing over me, and I thought…”
“That meant he cared.”
I nodded.
“What else?”
“He stepped in front of the blade when he was going to kill me. He watched me torture the guy last night and smiled. He didn’t try to stop me or tell me he couldn’t be part of that or anything. He said I was fine just as I am.”
“Mmhmm. Now, tell me about times when he showed a different side—when you thought he might be lying to you.”
I thought back over the time we spent together. “At first, I thought he only wanted a way into my top game so he could cheat his way to a lot of money.”
“Before you knew he was FBI?”
I nodded.
“And after you found out? What about then?”
I closed my eyes and thought. How was I supposed to sort out my real feelings from the fear that he’d lied to me about everything? “I wasn’t scared. I never really thought he’d move against me or the family.”
“Why?”
“Fuck, Dante, I can’t answer all these questions. This isn’t some university class.”
“You can find the answers. You can read Zach like a book. I know you can. What does your gut tell you? Not your fear or the pain you’re feeling.”
“I’m afraid.”
Dante ran a hand over my hair. “Love is scary. It’s okay to be afraid.”
“I’m more afraid of being the fool everyone thinks I am.”
“Rafe, nobody thinks—”
I scowled at him. “Yes, they do.”
He shook his head as he caught my face in his hands. “No. We tease you. You’re our baby brother. And sometimes you act like an ass, but we don’t actually think… God, Rafe. We love you.”
“I know that, but you don’t think I’m capable.”
“I do. I think you’re capable of running the casino. I think you’re capable of falling in love. And I think you’re capable of figuring out what Zach’s real motive is. Aside from that, what does your gut tell you?”
I kept thinking about the way he’d pulled me away from the car. The way he was so tender. The way he was determined to take care of me. “Fuck. I think I screwed up. I need to go talk to him. But I also need to talk to Remington. There’s so much to do.”
Dante pulled me into a hug. “Go talk to Zach. Call me when you’re done. I’ll fill in Lorenzo and Remington.”
“No, that’s my job. You shouldn’t have to do things for me. I’m a grown-up.”
“Yes, you are, but I’m doing this because I care about you. You’d do it for me. You were scared for your life when you rescued me last year. You came to get me and made me walk out of Ivanov’s house when I didn’t think I could get off the floor.”
“I wasn’t going to leave you there to die, Dante.”
“I know. You’d never do that. And I’d never leave you to hurt either.”
We held each other tight for a few more seconds. When he let go of me, I brushed tears from my eyes and stood up.
“Go talk to him,” Dante said. “If he’s the one, you’ll figure it out.”
I hurried out the door, knowing if I let myself think too much, I’d talk myself out of what I needed to do.