Chapter 38 - Rafe
RAFE
“What the hell are you doing here?” I turned to see Dante walking into the sunroom of Remington’s father’s house in Metairie.
“Remington said I should stay here. He didn’t want me spending the night alone.”
“Neither do I, but why the hell aren’t you at the hospital with Zach?”
I looked away, staring out the window at the birds flitting in the garden.
“Rafe, you love that man, and he’s been there all alone for hours.”
“Maria said she was going to see him.”
Dante scowled at me. “I know you might not have been ready to see him right after you talked to Maria, but you damn well better go now and tell him how you feel.”
I shook my head. “He’s not going to want to see me.”
“What do you mean? He only left you because he needed to be in the hospital. And we had to make things right with the feds so that we could tie all this up in a neat little bow and pretend it never happened.”
I still couldn’t quite believe we’d managed that.
Nothing had seemed real for the last day.
Not the way I felt so perfect snuggled in bed with Zach, or the way I was sure he’d betrayed me, and then finding out he was with Ivanov.
It was all an emotional roller coaster I couldn’t wrap my head around.
“It’s my fault that he’s hurt.”
Dante shook his head. “No it’s not. It’s Ivanov’s fault.”
Nothing he said could erase what I’d done. “If I had listened to Zach. If I had let him explain… But I sent him away.”
“You didn’t cause Ivanov to kidnap him.”
“No, but we would’ve been together. It’s my fault he got surprised.”
“Do you really think he’s lying there blaming you? I think he’s lying there wishing you were with him.”
I took a breath before responding. “I want to go, but I’m scared.”
“I get that. There was a time when I was afraid to see Alex and tell him how I felt, but thank God I did. Now, go get your man.”
I took a deep breath and let it out. What was my other option? Never talking to him again? Was I going to ignore what I felt? Fuck no. “All right, I’m going.”
Dante looked me over. “Do you want to change first?”
I was wearing LSU Tigers shorts and a black tank top. I slid my feet into a pair of Crocs and shook my head. “I can’t stop for that. I’ve waited too long already.”
I grabbed my keys and wallet and ran out the door. Why had I waited? Zach was there, hurt and alone. I was such an idiot. I kept fucking up again and again.
Lorenzo had told me Zach’s room number. He’d offered to stay there with Zach, but Zach had sent him away, saying he didn’t want to keep him from Nikolai, who had to have been scared, knowing what we were up against.
Rafe hadn’t asked for me, and I thought that meant he didn’t want to see me. But what if he was worried I didn’t want to see him? I’d found him and rescued him, I’d worried over him, but maybe he thought it was more about taking down Ivanov than about him.
I hated how long it took me to find his room. Why were hospitals always such a maze? When I got there, I didn’t bother knocking. I just opened the door and stumbled in. He had clearly been sleeping, but he opened his eyes.
“Are you a dream this time?”
“No. I’m not.” I reached for his hand, and he took mine and squeezed it. When I sat on the side of the bed, he winced. “Oh God, I’m sorry.” I started to stand up, but he shook his head.
“No, stay. It’s okay. Everything hurts.”
I lifted the back of his hand to my mouth and kissed it. “I’m so sorry.”
“Rafe, it’s not your fault. You didn’t want this to happen.”
“No, but I sent you away.”
“And I went. And I paid no attention to my surroundings, and I…”
“Because you were thinking about me?”
Zach frowned. “Yes, but that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It’s my fault. I should’ve talked to you before I made that call. I should have been more aware. I didn’t mean to hurt you—”
“I love you. I love you so fucking much, and I don’t want to lose you.”
His face brightened. “I love you too, baby. I should’ve told you when you heard me on the phone. I should’ve told you before I fucked you that night.”
He loved me. He still wanted me. “How did this happen? How did we find each other?”
He cupped my face and ran his thumb over my lower lip. “I have no idea, but I’m glad it did.”
“Are we okay?” I asked.
“More than okay. If you forgive me for the things I said, I promise—”
Rafe nodded frantically. “I do. Maria told me it was all bullshit, but I’d already figured that out.”
“Did she say that when she took your statement?”
“You mean, when I gave her a load of bullshit so everyone can come out of this looking okay?”
He laughed. “Same thing. Most statements are bullshit.”
“So what happens now? With us?”
Zach exhaled. “I’ve resigned my position with the FBI.”
“You did?”
“I would have left anyway to be with you, but if I leave, they’ll let me go out with style.”
“Thanks to Maria?”
“Maria, and apparently Xavier.”
I nodded. “Yeah, interesting coincidence.”
“I still don’t quite understand how everything connects.”
“I’m not a hundred percent sure I do either.” I scooted closer and held Zach’s hand in both of mine.
He laced his fingers with mine. “We’d probably be better off not thinking too much about it.”
“I’m sure we would.” My heart was racing. Could he tell?
He parted his lips and ran his tongue over them. “Maybe we could think about us instead.”
“You want there to be an us?” Fuck, I could hardly breathe.
“That’s what loving you means, Rafe. It means I want to stay with you. It means you’re mine. It means I’m not going to let you go.”
I smiled. “I like that. I’m not going to let you go either. I don’t want to hurt you, but please tell me I can kiss you.”
“You better kiss me. I don’t care if it hurts.”
I leaned down and pressed my lips to Zach’s, giving him a gentle kiss at first. Then he pushed his hand into my hair and deepened the kiss.
I was lost. Everything faded away—the beeps of machines, the movement up and down the hall, everything but Zach.
The feel of him, the taste of him, the smell of him.
He was all mine, and I was never going to let him go.