Chapter 38 Finn
FINN
Alexis has studiously avoided my gaze since we met on the road.
I feel like I’m drowning. Having her so close but feeling like we are miles apart is torture.
Why was I so fucking stupid and ruined things with her because I was a coward?
She hates me, and I can’t say I blame her cause I hate me these days, but damn, holding her, even for just a few seconds, felt so right.
It felt like I could finally take my first deep breath since she asked me to leave her apartment.
She looks so small and vulnerable, shivering in her wet clothes, standing in the middle of my bedroom.
Finally, she looks up at me and I can see it, the spark of feeling is still there.
My heart lurches in my chest and I let myself hope that there might be a chance of fixing things.
Closing the distance between us, needing to be closer to her, I watch the flush creep down her neck.
She is just as affected by this as I am.
Cradling her face in my palms, I search her eyes.
“Lex, I'm so sorry, baby. I fucked up so many times with you.” Tears pool in her eyes, bringing out the green in them. “Please, baby, please give me another chance.” Her eyes are darting between mine and I do my best to let all the emotions in me show, try to let her see just what she means to me. I lean down ready to kiss her, but she takes a step back from me, fire entering her eyes, and not the smoldering I want to jump your bones kind, no, it’s rage.
“Really, Finn? You think you can just say, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, baby,’ and I'll just come running to you again? Well, fuck that shit! Nothing has changed between today and that night in my apartment. I’m still half your age, your daughter is still my best friend, and I still won’t fucking share, so what’s the point?
And while we’re at it, how was your date with Melissa?
” I just stare at her, unable to comprehend that we might actually be over.
“Oh, I see, you just thought, ‘Hey, look, it’s Sexy Lexie, she’s an easy lay, maybe she will let me fuck her again if I say sorry? ’”
Her hands are fisted at her sides, breathing shallowly, as she gasps for breath.
I did this.
Her lips tremble and my knees go weak. How can I make her see that I was an idiot and want her so much I can’t function?
“You broke my fucking heart, Finn, can’t you see that? Can’t you see that I won’t survive you walking away from me again?”
“Lex,” I start but she cuts me off.
“No, Finn. I’m not done here. I trusted you.
I opened myself to you and you did what every other person in my life has done.
You threw it in my face.” Flinching, I stand still, listening, owing her that much, but hating what I know is coming.
“You were just one more person that told me I wasn’t enough and not worth the hassle.
Do you have any idea how that feels? To not just think—but know—and be reminded over and over that you aren’t enough for anyone.
I destroyed myself for years trying to hide how much it stung, but I’m tired, Finn.
So fucking tired, and I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t pretend that I don’t feel each and every rejection down to my bones.
You told me once that I deserve to be the center of a man's world, and like a fool, I believed you, and when we…I thought we were different.”
My breathing falters but I cling desperately to the hope that this thing between us can still be fixed. I may have broken us, but she still cares about me. I can see it written across her face, and I’ll do anything to fix us.
Taking a small step toward her, hating the guarded look in her eyes.
“Lex, I messed up so bad.” Swallowing twice, trying to speak around the lump in my throat.
“I pushed you away because I was scared of what people might think. But I don’t care anymore.
Letting my fear control me from what people would say or how Marcee would react was the most cowardly thing I have ever done, and I regret it.
I told myself it was the safe choice, and that by breaking my own heart, I could avoid the pain of you doing it later.
I didn’t expect you, didn’t see you coming, and I let my tangled emotions ruin everything.
I hate that I hurt you. Nothing has felt right since that day.
I haven’t slept, my chest hurts all the time, I see you fucking everywhere, smell your scent on the blanket downstairs, crave you every second of every day.
My world isn’t right without you in it. I know I hurt you, but Lex, you’re everything to me.
You are more than enough and always have been.
I should have cherished you and made sure you could never doubt what you mean to me.
I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I'm begging you to…” Her lips crash into mine.
The kiss is wild and reckless. Her fingers shake as she unbuttons my shirt, but it's too slow. I need to feel her skin on mine.
Reaching up, I rip my shirt open, sending buttons flying.
“Finn!” Her eyes are as wide as saucers, but the laughter dancing in them gives me my first real glimmer of hope.
Peeling the wet shirt off, I reach for the hem of her top, pausing, giving her time to decide if she wants this.
A slow smile spreads across her face as she raises her arms above her head.
I peel the top off her and praise my maker for her hatred of bras because I'm blessed with the most beautiful breasts on full display.
I run my hands over her skin, jolting at how cold she is.
Walking her backward, I pause just long enough to push her skirt from her hips and for her to step out of the sodden pile on the floor. Kissing, hands roaming, I lead her into the bathroom.
“I think we both could use a shower to warm up, don’t you?” My voice is hoarse, clogged with too many emotions. Her only response is sliding the tiny scrap of lace she calls panties from her body before walking into my large glass shower and turning it on full blast.
“Fucking shit balls!” Her squeal has me doubling over in laughter as she is hit with three separate streams of ice-cold water.
My shower is high tech with about a hundred buttons and took me weeks to get it all figured out.
She hops out of the stream, pressing herself to the shower wall, and another squeal erupts as her bare skin meets the cold tiles.
Leaning in, I hit the buttons and switch on the hot water, getting instantly hard at the contented moan that escapes her lips the second the warm water touches her skin. “That’s better. A few more minutes of this and I might forgive your shower for assaulting me.”
Stripping from the rest of my clothes, I step in to join her, pulling her into my arms and loving the way she comes to me with no resistance.
“And for the record, I didn’t go out with Melissa.
I called her and canceled the next day,” I tell her, the gravity of what I almost lost forever settling like an anvil in my chest. “You are all I want, Lex.” I kiss her slowly this time, trailing my hands all over her body, needing to touch her, to feel her, to somehow ground myself to the fact that she’s really here and giving me a second chance.
I fucked things up so bad before, I can’t make any mistakes this time.
“I missed you so much, baby. I don’t want to miss out on any more time with you.
” Nipping her lip, sucking into my mouth for a second before continuing, “I missed your smile. I missed when you laugh so hard you snort. I missed the way your nose crinkles just a little when you smile really big.” I punctuate each sentence with a kiss.
“I missed my friend. I’m not even sure when that happened, but I missed just calling and watching a show together. I missed everything about you, baby.”
Tears spill from her eyes as she loops her arms around my neck. “You mean it, Finn? It's not just because you have me here, naked in your shower?”
I hate the doubt creeping into her eyes.
Pressing another kiss to her shoulder, I crowd into her space, lifting her chin to look directly at me.
“Lex, of course I'm obsessed with your body, and still can’t believe you let me touch and explore you, but it's so much more than just sex, baby. It always has been.”