Chapter 17
“How do you like the duck?” Leonard wanted to know.
“Duck is my favorite,” Prudence admitted. “I thought for sure you must have known that. It’s too great a coincidence that you served it tonight without realizing.”
“No, I had no idea,” Leonard told her. “I suppose I might have reached out to one of your sisters to find out what you liked best, but I can’t claim credit for having done so. The truth is that it would never have occurred to me.”
“I suppose we got lucky then,” Prudence said. “At least, I did. I so rarely have gotten to enjoy duck in my life.”
“Why not?” Leonard asked her. “If it’s your favorite, surely your family would have prepared it for you more.”
“We didn’t have money,” she reminded him.
“Not that duck is the most expensive meal a person might choose, but it’s not the cheapest either, and when your family is struggling financially, you often don’t have the ability to choose what you’d most like to have.
Of course, my father would have arranged for it to be served whether we could afford it or not which meant I could never tell him how much I liked it. ”
“Your father must have cared a great deal for you,” Leonard reasoned, “if he was willing to allow your preferences to take precedence over what was practical.”
“My father cared a great deal for appearances,” Prudence corrected him. “He would never have wanted to be the kind of man who couldn’t put his family’s favorite dishes on the table because he would have felt there was shame in that.”
“Well, I suppose I feel the same way, when you get right down to it,” Leonard admitted. “It does seem shameful for a man not to be able to provide the things his family wishes for. I would be ashamed of that.”
“I think it’s more important for a man to prioritize providing what his family needs,” Prudence said.
“We didn’t need luxuries. We needed to eat.
And we also needed to know that we would be able to go on affording our meals.
So, my sisters and I found ourselves forced to lie about what we liked.
We came up with inexpensive options and insisted they were our favorites. ”
“You shouldn’t have had to lie,” Leonard frowned. “That’s not a reasonable thing for a man to ask of his family.”
“He didn’t ask it,” Prudence pointed out.
“Maybe not outright, but you all understood it was what you had to do in order to protect the well-being of the family—isn’t that right?”
“Well, yes.”
“So, he required it of you. By his actions if not by his words.” Leonard shook his head. “What an unfortunate way for you to be treated by your own father.”
Prudence smiled at him. “The good news is that I’m able to live differently now,” she said.
“You know, I always fantasized that a day would come when I would be able to enjoy whatever meals I cared to eat without worrying about the financial cost associated with them. That I might be able to eat duck any time I like… It’s a blessing that comes with this new life. ”
“You know that, even if it was difficult for me, I would find a way to get it for you on occasion, don’t you?
” Leonard asked. “I think you deserve to have what you want from time to time, even if it means we make sacrifices in other areas of our lives to make it possible. Of course, we won’t have to make any sacrifices in order to have the food you like best on our table, but if we did have to, we would. ”
“It’s funny,” Prudence mused.
“What is?”
“What you’re saying… I always assumed that would be true after I married,” she said. “I always thought that my husband would do the things my father hadn’t. That he would go to the ends of the earth to make sure that I had anything I wanted.”
“Any good husband would do that,” Leonard agreed.
“Perhaps! And maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by it now. But I didn’t think my marriage would be like this one has been. I didn’t think that I would marry for the sake of protecting my reputation. I thought that I’d be marrying for love.”
“I see,” Leonard mused. “And you imagine that things would be different if you had?”
“Oh, certainly. A man who had married me because he loved me would do all he could to make me happy. He wouldn’t be able to bear my unhappiness.
” She smiled absently at the thought. “I don’t know why you do it,” she went on.
“I don’t think you relish my unhappiness, but I’m sure it doesn’t pain you either.
Not the way it would a man who was in love with me at any rate. ”
“You’ve thought a great deal about love,” Leonard noted.
“Love was the only reason I ever intended to marry,” she told him.
“I would have been more than satisfied to remain a spinster had I never found it. I suppose that’s a part of the reason why I have always found it so difficult to accept the fact that you wished to marry me for the sake of protecting our reputations.
I never cared for such things. I never would have chosen to marry for the sake of my own reputation. That means nothing to me.”
“You wouldn’t have been disturbed to learn that your prospects had disappeared because of the view the ton had of you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Not in the least,” she assured him. “Better to remain alone than to abandon one’s chance at love.
And while I know my odds of finding it decreased with every passing moment—ladies have such a short window in which to find their loves—I would rather know that the possibility still existed, however slim it might be, than know it was gone forever. ”
Her gaze was distant. A strange sadness filled Leonard. “You had to give up on that wish when the two of us married,” he realized.
“I did,” she said. “And that’s the reason I was so heartily against it.
But you needn’t take that to heart, Leonard.
I understand why you needed to make the choices you did.
I’ve accepted this marriage. A person cannot have all she wants in life.
I wasn’t destined to find love. I can see that now.
And you and I, at least, have found the warmth of companionship and mutual respect.
” She smiled at him. “I do think that if I wasn’t going to have love in my life, this is better than the life of a spinster.
And the duck doesn’t hurt, either,” she added with a grin.
Leonard grinned back at her, glad to see her happy, but his smile faded almost at once. It was difficult to accept what he was hearing. Her hopes for happiness in her life had been dashed the moment he had come into it. That was heartbreaking.
He couldn’t regret the choice he’d made to marry her. It had been the best thing—the necessary thing—to ensure that his reputation and that of his brother remained intact. And Leonard’s whole life had been about ensuring that he and Peter would be well respected.
“I know that I didn’t ask you what you wanted,” he said. “Before arranging your marriage to Peter, I mean.”
“Why didn’t you? From the moment we met, it seemed like you were determined that Peter and I should marry, even though neither of us wanted it. Why were you so invested?”
Leonard hadn’t expected that he would tell her this story, but maybe she had a right to know. He swallowed hard before speaking. “I was very young when my parents died,” he said.
Prudence put her fork down to focus her attention on him. “What happened to them?”
“It was a carriage accident. It took both of their lives.” His jaw clenched as he said the words.
He so rarely spoke about this to anyone at all that it was difficult to get the words out.
“After that, I came into my title of course, but I was also left on my own with Peter. It was just the two of us against the world. Because I was the elder brother, I took it upon myself to ensure that he was raised well and provided for. I wanted to ensure that my brother would have a happy life, you see—and part of that meant ensuring that he married someone worthy of him.”
“That’s why you wanted him to marry me,” Prudence realized. “Not just for the sake of salvaging our reputations.”
“Well, don’t get the wrong idea. I certainly was aiming to protect Peter’s reputation. And it seemed to me that, with your reputation on the line as well, the two of you were a fitting match for each other. I didn’t see how you could possibly turn him down. Most ladies could, and would.”
“Thank you.” Prudence rolled her eyes. “Very kind of you to say so.”
“If it helps, I was wrong. You obviously would have chosen to reject him. I didn’t expect it, that’s all.”
Prudence nodded.
“But my main motive for making the arrangement was, as you suggest, to ensure his future. I’ve begun to see, as time has gone on, how difficult it’s going to be to make a good match for my brother.
He’s such a difficult person. I can hardly blame well-bred young ladies for not wishing to marry him.
Peter is always in trouble, and he refuses to change.
So even though the situation was scandalous, when I thought he was going to marry you, I was relieved.
Finally, he would have been taken care of. ”
Her face had gone pale. “It isn’t your responsibility, though,” she argued. “To see your brother married. That isn’t something you should have to take on. You’re his brother, not his parent, and he is an adult after all. He can manage to sort out his own affairs, surely.”
“He won’t, though,” Leonard said. “He doesn’t take these things seriously enough.
You know, I always swore to myself that I would sort out Peter before marrying myself.
So in a way, our marriage represents a failure on my part as much as it does on yours because I never meant for things to happen this way any more than you did.
I always told myself that once Peter was taken care of, I would do whatever my heart desired, but that until that day came, he would simply have to come first.”
“You remind me of my own sisters,” Prudence said.
“Do I? They both married before you did.”
“Yes, but neither of them really planned it that way either,” Prudence explained.
“They both would have been willing to let me be the first down the aisle. They both worried more for my well-being than they ever did for themselves. They were wonderful to me. So protective, so caring. I don’t believe that all older brothers and sisters are that way, but those of us who are lucky enough to have siblings care for us that deeply will never forget it. ”
“Perhaps that’s true of you,” Leonard said with a small smile.
“I don’t believe Peter has ever appreciated what I have gone through for his sake.
I don’t think he even notices it, truth be told.
I don’t mean to say that he doesn’t care for me—I think he does.
But I don’t think he worries very much about the things I go through to ensure his well-being.
I think he would be just as happy if I stopped altogether. ”
“So why don’t you stop altogether?” Prudence asked. “If he really doesn’t appreciate what you do, why do you continue to do it?”
“He’s my brother,” Leonard said simply. “He will always have everything I am capable of giving. I’m sure your sisters would do the same for you.”
“You’re right,” Prudence admitted. “They certainly would.”
“It’s difficult, though, to realize that you aren’t going to have the things you hoped for in life,” Leonard said.
“To realize that your life isn’t going to look the way you thought it might.
I suppose I just want you to know that I understand that, Prudence.
I understand that you wished for something different from your marriage, and this has been a disappointment. ”
“It hasn’t only been a disappointment,” she assured him. “It’s been a pleasant surprise as well, and I want you to know that, Leonard. Even though this isn’t a marriage of love, I am happy with where it has brought me. I’m happy to be your wife.”
She smiled and picked up her fork to begin eating once more, and Leonard returned her smile.
He was, shockingly enough, pleased with this marriage too.