Chapter 29
“Ineed to know what happened tonight,” Prudence said as they walked into their house.
“Prudence, it’s late,” Leonard murmured. “We ought to go to sleep. We can speak more in the morning if you’d like.”
“Oh, no,” Prudence said, a darkness in her voice that he didn’t recognize.
He had heard her sound firm before, but he had never heard her sound like this.
“You are going to explain what happened, and you’re going to do it now.
Tonight. I’m owed that much after everything, Leonard.
We had an agreement. We’ve had several agreements, actually, and you’ve broken all of them.
You said that you were going to go away to the country, and then you didn’t… ”
“You know why I didn’t do that. You made it impossible for me to leave.”
“Oh, please. Because I might climb a tree? Because you think I might sneak into town when you have a house full of servants to watch me and make sure I don’t?
You really want to tell me that you think you can never leave because of that?
” She shook her head. “You and I both know there’s more to it. ”
“If I didn’t know better, I would think you wanted me to leave.” He folded his arms.
“If you didn’t know better? I told you that I wanted you to go,” she reminded him.
“You decided to stay, and I accepted that because it meant that I would be able to enjoy the season. You told me we would put on a show of being a couple in love. And then tonight… you didn’t even want to dance with me.
You treated me like a burden instead of someone you care about. ”
“You told me that you didn’t care about reputation,” he reminded her. “How many times have you said that to me? Over and over. And now, you complain to me because I didn’t protect your reputation when all you’ve ever indicated to me is that it doesn’t matter very much to you?”
“This has nothing to do with my reputation,” she shot back at him.
“This is about the fact that I was looking forward to enjoying myself at the ball tonight. You know I wanted to marry for love, and you know I’m disappointed because I didn’t get the chance to do that.
But I’ve accepted you, and the life we have together just the same.
Now, you’re trying to take away the one thing I was really enjoying—the one thing I was looking forward to! And I just want you to tell me why.”
She said all this in a rush, and when she’d finished, she was breathing heavily, as if she’d just run a great distance.
I do owe her an explanation. She’s right.
He sighed. “I suppose it isn’t going to help matters if I tell you that our affairs are as settled as I think they can be? That I believe we have made our point to society and that everyone believes we are what we say we are?”
“Well, I don’t think that’s true,” Prudence said.
“The season has hardly begun. You were extremely concerned about this. You said just a week ago that it needed to be our top priority. It seems clear to me now that something else is your top priority. I’d just like to understand what it is. Is that so much to ask?”
“It’s not so much to ask,” he conceded.
Her eyes widened. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
“You thought I was going to keep arguing about it?”
“Well, yes, since you put it that way, I did.”
“I probably should,” he said. “I’m not sure why I’m giving in.” He was almost certainly going to regret it, and yet she was owed an explanation. She was right about that. And he found that he wanted to give her one.
“Have I ever told you about my parents?” he asked her.
“You mentioned that they had died,” she said cautiously, her demeanor softening at once.
“That’s right,” he said. “But unless I’m mistaken, I’ve never spoken about what it was like before they died.”
“No. I know very little about them.” She hesitated. “Were they cruel to you? Or to Peter?”
“Not cruel,” he said. “Not exactly. But… to understand this, you need to know that they were very much in love with one another.”
“That sounds nice,” Prudence said carefully. Leonard could see that she suspected it wasn’t nice at all.
“It was probably very nice for them,” he said.
“For me and for Peter, it wasn’t nice at all.
We grew up knowing that we didn’t matter anywhere near as much to our parents as they did to each other.
That was a difficult thing for us to face.
I think we both struggled with it, and our lives were made more difficult by it.
It’s hard to know that your parents’ top priorities have nothing to do with you. ”
“I can relate to that,” Prudence said softly. “They neglected you because they were so wrapped up in one another?”
“Well, something like that. I think it bothered me more that they were neglectful of Peter to tell the truth. I could manage myself.”
“This makes sense of so many things,” she said.
“I’ve always wondered why you were so protective of him—but of course, you were.
You must have felt as though you two were you each had.
I know that’s why my sisters were always so protective of me.
They felt as if they had no choice but to be that way. ”
He nodded. “That’s right,” he agreed. “I have to look out for Peter because if I don’t, who will?
But there’s more to it than that. Seeing my parents together when we were growing up, seeing the way they neglected their responsibilities because they were so caught up in one another…
that’s what’s always made it clear to me what a bad idea it is to give in to love.
Love takes people over. It turns them careless and makes them forget about things like duty.
That’s why I was never going to marry, and it’s why, when I did, it was so important to make sure that our marriage was only ever based on need and had nothing to do with personal feelings. ”
“I see,” Prudence murmured, her eyes dropping as if he had said something disappointing.
“Don’t get the wrong idea,” he said. “I do like you, Prudence. In fact, that’s a great deal of the problem I’m having right now.
I can’t allow the feelings I have for you to get in the way of what I know is right—my determination to keep things well organized between us.
It’s vital that we maintain some distance for both of our sakes. ”
“And if that isn’t what I want?” she asked him. “What if I’m willing to take the chance?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said. “I have duties and responsibilities, and I have to prioritize those things. I have no choice about that. I thought that putting on a show of being in a deeply romantic marriage was the right thing for us to do, but that was before I realized…” He hesitated. Did he dare to say this to her?
“Before you realized what?” she asked quietly.
He sighed. “Before I realized how distracting I would find you,” he said.
“Before I realized how difficult I was going to find it to be in your presence, to be acting as thought I was deeply taken with you. I’m only a man, Prudence, and in spite of myself, I do feel something even though I’ve tried not to.
I have to pull back from you because these feelings have stopped me from being able to focus on my work and on the responsibilities I have to my brother, and that’s not acceptable. ”
She drew back from him, her eyes widening. “You do feel something for me?” she whispered.
“And I can’t,” he stressed. “I can’t let myself be distracted by those feelings.
I have to retreat to the place we were with one another when we first met.
I have to get back to being able to be around you without getting carried away by sentiment.
” He closed his eyes. “Prudence, heaven help me, there were a few times when I nearly kissed you.”
“I would have let you,” she told him softly, and the words gutted him. “I would have wanted you to.”
“But that’s unfair to you, because that’s not something I can offer you,” he said. “You and I are never going to have that kind of marriage. That kind of relationship. And I can’t treat you with such little respect as to act like it’s possible when I know that it isn’t.”
“I don’t feel disrespected by you,” she said. “Leonard, surely there is something we can do to work this out.”
“The truth is that I should never have married you at all,” he said.
“I knew on the day of our wedding that I found you beautiful and fascinating. I knew what a danger that was to me. I should have said no right then and there. I shouldn’t have let it go any farther than that because I should have known that I would get in over my head and put us in a situation that wasn’t good for either one of us.
This is my fault—entirely my fault—and I’m so deeply sorry that I allowed things to reach this point. ”
She turned her back to him. He watched her shoulders rise and fall slowly and wondered desperately what she was thinking. Had his words hurt her?
Perhaps it’s for the best if they did. At least then I will be able to count on her pulling away from me—because I’m not sure I have the willpower to be the one to pull away from her.
I think I’ve made a real mess of things between the two of us, and I’m so afraid that it’s too late for me to put it right.
I don’t know what I’m going to do now; I really don’t.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked after a moment. Was she going to cry? If she was, maybe she would like to be alone, and it seemed like the least he could do for her after the mess he had made.
But when she turned back to him, she wasn’t tearful. Her eyes were blazing with anger so hot that he instinctively took a step backward. If she had been a man, he would have worried that she was about to strike him.
Of course, she does like to dress as a man. Maybe she has a bit of that instinct in her.
“No, I don’t want you to leave,” she said hotly.
“I have never wanted you to leave, Leonard, in spite of the fact that you have always believed I did! I have always wanted you here, and getting you to stay has always been impossible. I didn’t even want you to go away to the country.
Not really. You’ve always been the one putting up walls between the two of us.
Now, you ask me if I want you to leave me alone—I’ll bet you wish I did, don’t you?
I’ll bet that would make things easier. But I don’t wish it.
I never have, and I don’t think I ever will. ”