Chapter 34
“Your Grace, you really must open the door. You have to eat something eventually, you know.”
Prudence sighed and pressed her hands to her face.
Forty-eight hours had passed since she had retreated to her room—forty-eight hours during which she assumed her husband had left the house and left her behind for good.
Whether she would ever see him again, she didn’t know.
And it’s probably for the best if I don’t.
But Mrs. Mills had pestered her every few hours since Leonard’s departure, and it had been infuriating. She didn’t seem content to leave Prudence in peace.
Of course, she’s right that I’m going to have to eat something.
Prudence’s traitor stomach complained at the bad treatment she’d put it through.
It had been easy to ignore her hunger for the first day, but now, she really did find herself wanting something.
With a sigh, she got up and went to the door.
As she had expected, Mrs. Mills was carrying a tray of food. There were carved up bits of turkey, cheese and fruit, wine, and tea. Anything she might have wanted was here for her.
She picked up a piece of bread and nibbled at it carefully, mindful of the fact that she hadn’t eaten in days.
“How are you feeling, Your Grace?” Mrs. Mills asked solicitously.
“All right, I suppose,” Prudence murmured. “I’m sorry to have caused you worry, Mrs. Mills. I know I can’t just stay in here all the time.”
“It’s understandable that you would need a few days to adjust to the change in your circumstances,” Mrs. Mills assured her. “No one thinks any the less of you for that.”
But they did, of course. The staff were only human, and Prudence knew they must be whispering about her.
Even if the whispers were not unkind, things would be said about the duchess, about her great sadness at the loss of her husband.
Prudence wondered whether the staff would be surprised he had gone.
Were they shaking their heads, saying how they had thought she and Leonard were starting to get along so well and that they couldn’t believe it had all fallen apart?
Or would they be more surprised at the thought that she had ever believed he might stay with her?
Had they all been expecting this outcome right from the beginning?
“Is there anything else I can do for you right now, Your Grace?” Mrs. Mills asked.
“I don’t think I need anything,” Prudence murmured.
“Because you must remember that everyone here is loyal to you, Your Grace. Everyone here serves you, first and foremost. We may have been hired by the Duke, but even he made that much clear before he took his leave—our loyalty was to be to you and to remain so always. That will not change. Everyone here is on your side and is here to do all we can for you.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Mills,” Prudence said with a sigh.
“It really does mean a great deal to me. I know I’ve been a bit…
under the weather.” She laughed heavily at her own light-hearted description.
The moment didn’t feel light at all. “I never dreamed I would care so much about him leaving,” she said.
“I thought it was what I wanted for the longest time, and I’ve only recently come to realize that I never wanted it at all.
I never wanted him gone. I don’t know how I could have believed that. ”
“Forgive me if I’m too forward, Your Grace…” Mrs. Mills began.
“No, you may as well be forward now,” Prudence said. “I don’t believe there’s anyone else in this house who will speak truth to me now that His Grace is gone, and I want to hear it from somewhere. Say whatever is on your mind. You’ll hear no reprisals from me. In fact, I’ll be grateful for it.”
“Yes, Your Grace. I only wondered… it seemed to me, and to some of the rest of the staff downstairs, that you and His Grace had gotten a bit… closer lately. That something had changed between the two of you. We thought you might be on your way to a real marriage. This has all come as a bit of a shock. But, of course, you know more about what was going on than any of us do, and for that matter, you aren’t obliged to tell me anything at all.
” She blushed. “Hearing myself say all this, I have been quite forward, haven’t I? ”
“I invited you to speak,” Prudence reminded her housekeeper.
“And what’s more, you aren’t wrong about any of it.
I thought we were getting closer as well, particularly after the most recent ball.
I thought we were going to be… Well, I don’t know what I thought.
Regardless, it’s clear now that I was wrong to think it. ”
“But that’s just it, Your Grace,” Mrs. Mills pressed on.
“Forgive me, but I’m not sure if you were wrong at all.
Remember, I’ve known His Grace for a very long time.
I know him quite well. He has been different these past few weeks since you came into the house.
Seeing the two of you together… it’s as if life has been breathed back into this place.
I never thought it would be like this here again.
I truly believed that we were about to see a side of him that has never shown itself before. ”
“I’m sorry,” Prudence said softly. “I’m sure everyone was very much looking forward to that. I wish I could have brought it out in him. I tried to.”
“No, you have nothing to feel any regret about, Your Grace,” Mrs. Mills said.
“Heaven knows you did as much as anyone could have asked. And you didn’t even know him.
It would have been the easiest thing in the world for you to accept what he told you on the very first day you were here—that the two of you would never be close to one another and that there was no point in trying for it.
You never did accept that. You pushed him. ”
“I pushed him away. He might have come around if I hadn’t made things so difficult for him.
” She sighed. “But I suppose I couldn’t have controlled that either.
If I had just sat here waiting to see if his mind would ever change, if he would ever decide that he wanted to let his walls down, I’m sure it would never have happened.
It never could have happened. If he was going to change, he would have done it a long time ago. ”
“That’s right,” Mrs. Mills agreed. “You had to try. You had to give your best effort to let him see what he could have with you. You would never have forgiven yourself if you didn’t even make the attempt, Your Grace.
And you would always have had to wonder what might have been, and that’s the last thing anyone should have to suffer.
This way, even though it isn’t ending the way you hoped, at least you have that answer.
At least you know that you did all you could. ”
“You’re very wise, Mrs. Mills,” Prudence observed. “I wonder if my husband understood just how wise you were.”
“He wasn’t the one who hired me, so I couldn’t say,” Mrs. Mills said. “But I like to think I gave him something he was able to see value in.”
“I’m very sure you did,” Prudence murmured. “At any rate, I’m deeply grateful to have you with me now. At least I have someone I can talk to—someone I can confide in—and that means I won’t be nearly so lonely and bored as I might have been.”
“You know, you don’t need to be lonely and bored, Your Grace,” Mrs. Mills said. “Begging your pardon.”
“You don’t need my pardon, Mrs. Mills. I told you to go ahead and say whatever you liked, and I meant it,” Prudence replied. “Tell me what you mean.”
“You’re still the Duchess of Desford,” Mrs. Mills explained. “You still have the estate at your disposal. You could have all kinds of fun here. You could throw parties for instance. You enjoy that, don’t you?”
Prudence hesitated. “I’m not sure His Grace would like that,” she argued, a little surprised at herself. When had she started allowing herself to be dissuaded from the things she wanted because of what Leonard would think about it?
“He’s not going to be able to keep his absence a secret, Your Grace,” Mrs. Mills said.
“People are going to know that he went to the country, and they’re going to know it soon.
You don’t need to sequester yourself in this house out of some desire to keep that a secret because it won’t stay a secret anyway. ”
“I suppose you’re right,” Prudence agreed. “I wonder what people will say when they find out?”
“I don’t doubt there will be speculation, but no one will know anything for sure,” Mrs. Mills said.
“I wish he and I had agreed on a story before he had left,” Prudence said.
“Though, on the other hand, I do grow tired of lying on his behalf, so maybe it’s for the best that he didn’t get the chance to ask me to.
Now I can say whatever I’d like about his absence, and I don’t have to worry that I’m betraying him by doing so. ”
“That’s very true,” Mrs. Mills said. “Though I would advise discretion. You know all too well how tongues will wag, and whatever story you come up with, there are bound to be at least three more. Who knows how close they will come to the truth?”
“And why should I fear that?” Prudence sat up a little straighter, filled with a sense of purpose and resolve that had abandoned her when Leonard had left.
It had returned now, thankfully, and she was relieved to feel it once more.
“People always find something to criticize. Something to speak ill of. I don’t see why that should be a problem for me to concern myself with.
My husband is gone, and I am free to live the life I choose without worrying about what others might think of it. And I intend to do exactly that.”
Mrs. Mills inclined her head, saying nothing. She gave no hint of approval—except that Prudence thought she might have seen a slight smile on the housekeeper’s face. “Shall I leave the tray here for you, Your Grace?” she asked.
“Yes, thank you,” Prudence said. “You know, suddenly I feel my appetite starting to return.”
“Very good, Your Grace.” Mrs. Mills turned and left the room without saying anything more.
But she didn’t need to say more. Her purpose had been achieved. She had woken Prudence from the hopeless stupor in which she had drifted through the past few days, and now, at last, Prudence could see the way forward.
Her future would be nothing like she’d ever planned.
In many ways, she wished the time she had spent with Leonard had never happened, for it had given her hope for something that could never come to pass.
She knew that hope would take a long time to fade.
But she also knew that time could heal almost anything, and all she had to do was wait for that to happen.
Leonard wasn’t going to be a part of her life. He had chosen.
But she was still going to have a life. And she would make the best she could of it, with or without him. That was all she could do, and it was what she had always done well.
I don’t need him. I wanted him, yes, but I don’t need him.
And Prudence took what felt like her first easy breath since the moment she had learned Leonard was leaving.