CHAPTER TWELVE
A S FAR AS Magnus was concerned, he and his small family had conquered America. Their Thanksgiving-themed fundraiser had raised several million dollars for meals for underprivileged families. Lexi had been the belle of the ball in a sequin-covered creation of reds and golds like autumn leaves. Her profile lifted Isleif’s and this time when they danced, they received applause.
They had earned a pseudo-honeymoon as they headed into a quieter December. Lexi was feeling more confident in her role as his wife and was finding a routine of sorts with their son. She was also bouncing back physically so she was very receptive to lovemaking.
A few mornings after their return, Magnus told her to stay in bed after she fed Rolf. He took the boy to their small dining room, burping him while he ate his own breakfast.
Rolf continued to put on weight and was growing stronger every day, holding up his head and pushing his arms and legs with determination, even though he didn’t seem to have a destination in mind except to scale Magnus’s shoulder. It was an amusing wrestling match, trying to keep a secure hold on him while trying to spread jam on his toast.
“Your Royal Highness.” Ulmer paused to give Magnus a polite nod of greeting as he was shown in. “Good morning.”
“Why are you here? My morning is free of engagements.” Magnus had planned it that way. Once Rolf went down for his nap, he intended to rejoin his wife in their bed.
“Publicity concerns have cropped up.” Ulmer swept his finger across his tablet. “I wanted to let you know we’re aware of them and addressing them before...” Ulmer glanced toward the open door to the corridor that led to their bedroom. He smiled politely, but his lips were tight. “Good morning, Your Highness.”
“Good morning, Ulmer.” Lexi had secured a robe over her silk pajamas. It was hardly the first time Ulmer had seen her before she’d dressed, but she faltered. “I thought we had a free morning.”
“I thought you were sleeping in?” Magnus countered.
“I’m hungry. Oh, yes, good morning to you, too. As if we haven’t already said that.” Her voice dropped to a gurgle of indulgence as she smoothed her hand over their son’s fine hair. “You can’t possibly be hungry, too? You just ate, you little glutton.”
Hungry or not, Rolf wiggled harder, always aware when his mama was near and eager to be in her arms.
She took him and sat in the chair Ulmer held for her. Magnus moved his toast to where she could reach it and held up two fingers for the poached eggs she usually ate. Their server poured her decaf coffee and left.
“You were saying something about publicity concerns?” Lexi prompted Ulmer. “About me? I’m guessing it’s not good.”
“We’re well aware that controversy sells clicks, ma’am. We’re doing what we can to quash it, but they are being persistent.”
“What are they saying?” Her voice was even, but Magnus heard the dread.
Ulmer looked as though he’d allow himself to be drawn and quartered before he repeated any of it.
“It doesn’t matter,” Magnus stated. “The staff are dealing with it so you don’t have to. Carry on,” he said, dismissing the man.
But later, after they’d made love and were sharing a lazy bath, he heard her “Tsk.” He picked up his head off the back of the tub and found her reading headlines on a phone he didn’t recognize.
“What are you doing? Where did you get this?” He took it from her, noting it was in a waterproof case.
“It’s the one I keep in here for reading while I’m in the tub.”
“Then read a book, not that garbage.” He tossed it to the mat on the floor.
“They’re saying I should have lost the baby weight by now.”
“It’s all in your chest. I think it’s delightful.” He slid his hand under the water so he could weigh the swell that overflowed his palm.
She didn’t relax into him the way he’d hoped. “They think I’m lazy because I had a C-section instead of delivering naturally.”
“‘They’ don’t exist. One troll in the armpit of the internet is trying to profit off you. Are you really going to let them ruin our morning?”
“No,” she said petulantly.
But it did cast a shadow, one that grew longer and darker as the month wore on.
Magnus didn’t tell her that her post-pregnancy photos were being compared to ones that her stalker had posted a few years ago, but he had a suspicion she knew. She grew subdued while he grew frustrated. He had sworn she could rely on him to look after her, hadn’t he? Why couldn’t he protect her from something that caused her so much pain?
On Christmas day, he had his own history to face and thank God Lexi and Rolf were there to buffer him through it. Every few years, he had Christmas lunch at the cottage with his mother. This year, everyone was there, including Sveyn.
Snow was falling heavily. The sun had barely come up before it began to set, casting the day in a muted light. The babies were being passed around like plates of hors d’oeuvres and the women were caught up in lively conversation about sleep schedules and baby yoga.
When Freyr tilted his head at Magnus and said, “Sauna?” Magnus hesitated, not wanting to leave Lexi alone, but sitting in the sauna was something they had done throughout his childhood, boys and girls taking turns in the hut built for that purpose. He was here to take Rolf if Lexi and the women wanted to steam together later.
It was a setup, of course. He was no sooner seated on the top bench, sweating onto his towel, when Freyr invented a need to stoke the fire and took their brother-in-law with him, leaving Magnus with Sveyn.
Biting back a curse, Magnus demanded, “What is it?”
There was a weighty, indrawn breath, then, “I want to ask your mother to marry me.”
“You don’t need my permission.”
“But I want your blessing.”
Magnus stared balefully at his father through the billows of steam. Sveyn had aged. That was the thought that recurred each time he’d seen him lately. He worked in insurance, but his hobbies had always been outdoor pastimes. He was still fit and lean, but now his shoulders were bony, his face deeply lined, his red beard heavily salted with white.
“I want your forgiveness,” Sveyn admitted with emotion in his voice. “That is what I really want to ask you. It took me a long time, Magnus. Too long to realize this wasn’t about me or what I thought our life should have been. Nothing was stolen from me that I didn’t let go of through spite. I wish I could go back and fight for more time with you, but I can’t. I’m sorry for that. Truly.”
Magnus believed him and, really, what was the point in holding a grudge now?
“I was an adult. I made the decision to come here. I’m glad you’re no longer punishing Mom for my actions.”
“You didn’t make a decision,” Sveyn said with ire. “You made a sacrifice. So did she. It took me far too long to understand that. To accept that it was her right to decide—I couldn’t fathom how she could carry any man’s baby but mine, especially—” He gave an agitated rub of his beard. “Especially when she knew it didn’t matter how much she loved you, she might have to give you up. It felt as though she made all of those decisions without me. Even though they affected me. I wanted to keep everything as it was. I wanted to keep my son . For myself. But I know now that was selfish of me. Incredibly selfish.”
A skewer invaded Magnus’s chest, making his breath burn. He told himself it was the scald of the hot, humid air, but it was the score of that word: selfish .
She knew it didn’t matter how much she loved you, she might have to give you up.
“Can you forgive me?” His father’s voice came from far away.
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Of course.” Because he was not a selfish man. Was he?
“Thank you, son.” His father’s hand came out and Magnus leaned forward to shake it, thinking this should have felt more healing, but those words— sacrifice and selfish —glinted like two sides of a coin tumbling through the clouds of steam.
For Christmas, Dalla had given Lexi tickets to a play in London starring her former Paisley Pockets costar, Josh, who had played her onscreen brother. Dalla had checked with Magnus beforehand and he had suggested booking the New Year’s Eve performance, so they could watch the fireworks afterward.
“I haven’t seen you in such a good mood in weeks,” Magnus said as Lexi pulled on black palazzo pants shot with gold threads that glinted as she moved.
“I haven’t seen Josh in years. We used to text, but...life.” She shrugged on the matching jacket over a gold push-up bra. “Thank you for bringing me.” She looped her arms around his back.
“It was Dalla’s idea.”
“I know, but you agreed, even though the paps will be a nightmare about it.” Those awful nudes of hers that Carmichael had peddled had been churned up along with comments that she was “poisoning” the royal line and turning Prince Magnus into his father. No matter what she did, she couldn’t seem to burn away that old reputation and rise above it, which left her feeling guilty and ashamed for exposing her husband and child to the same ridicule.
“How many times do I have to tell you I don’t care what the press says about you?” He set her back and slid his gaze down her front. “Anyone with eyes will say you look stunning.”
“Thank you.” She appreciated the compliment, but he didn’t kiss her or try to distract her. He’d been growing more and more withdrawn lately and it was starting to distress her.
“We should go. The play will start whether we arrive on time or not. I’m guessing you don’t want to miss any of it.”
She didn’t, but she also didn’t like this feeling that he might say he didn’t care about her reputation, but she couldn’t fully believe him because her reputation had been an issue from the very beginning. A lifetime in an industry of broken promises and last-minute rejections had trained her to be skeptical and to expect to be cut adrift at any moment.
She wanted to believe her husband when he told her it didn’t matter. In many ways, she was living her best life with him. She loved Magnus, loved their son. She wanted to tell Magnus that and celebrate this wonderful life they were making together, but each time he pulled away that little bit, she lost her nerve, feeling insecure and uncertain.
She trusted him with her life, but she didn’t have enough trust in his feelings toward her to risk her own.
Her brooding thoughts were set aside for ninety minutes while they watched the play, a mystery that was suspenseful enough to silence the audience for long minutes at a time. When it concluded, Lexi was the first to leap to her feet, clapping wildly for Josh and the rest of the talented cast.
She had sent a note backstage when they arrived, telling Josh to break a leg, as if their presence in the audience wouldn’t have been noted otherwise. They had been a distraction on and off throughout, but they were escorted backstage where they were greeted with great excitement.
After a small gauntlet of handshaking, they entered Josh’s dressing room and Lexi flew into the arms of her old friend.
“You jerk,” Josh grumbled as he squeezed her. “You made me so nervous, knowing you were in the audience.” He had his hair dyed red for his role and wore traces of his stage makeup, but he gave her a second hug, picking her up and crushing her like a long-lost relative.
“You were amazing,” she assured him. “But put me down so I can introduce you to Magnus.”
“Excellent performance,” Magnus said politely as he shook Josh’s hand.
“A far cry from pretending to pick you out of garbage disposals, isn’t it?” Josh joked to Lexi. “Ooh, let’s start rumors of a reboot.” He pulled his phone from his robe pocket.
“Wait. Let me do it on mine.” Lexi wrinkled her nose. “Magnus has to be in it or the trolls will claim I’m having an affair.”
“Please. I’m out and proud these days, Lex. If anything, they’ll think I’m after your husband. Oh! Come to our party tonight! Meet my partner, David. You’ll know so many people. I’m dying to hear why you left X-Calibur. And you have a baby ?”
“We do have a son and we have to get back to him,” she said smoothly. “But here. Magnus will take the photo and I’ll send it to you. Post it whenever you want, but please say something boring. You have no idea what I’m going through.”
“Babe, I was outed by a podcast host so they could boost their ratings. I have some idea.” Josh slid his arm around her waist and tilted his head against hers, smiling wide as Magnus used his long arm to snap the photo of the three of them. “Did you really drop out of the project with Bernadette Garnier? It’s Bernadette Garnier , Lex. And that role would be perfect for you.”
“I know, but...” Lexi shrugged that off as she glanced at the photo, then asked for Josh’s number so she could send it to him. “Even funding it is an issue. I believe in the story, but the trolls are finding the topic too darned salacious. Guard my number with your life, please. Otherwise, I’ll have to change it and we’ll lose touch again.”
“I will. I miss you. ” He hugged her again.
She kissed his cheek and they said their goodbyes.
When they were in the car, Magnus asked, “Text him for the address if you want to go to the party. I don’t mind.”
“It’s not worth it. The trolls will turn it into me abandoning our son and accuse me of falling back into drugs or something.”
“Lexi. You can’t keep living around what strangers are saying about you, especially when it’s said in bad faith. If you want to see your friend, do it. If you want to keep a foot in acting, let’s talk about how to make that happen.”
“I don’t.” She looked to him with puzzlement. “That part of my life is over.”
“What part? The happy part?”
“I’m happy,” she defended.
“Don’t lie to me,” he snapped.
They didn’t speak again until they were back in their suite at the hotel on the Thames. Rolf was down for the night so Lexi took the baby monitor and dismissed the nanny.
“Why do you think I’m not happy?” she asked as they changed from their evening wear.
“Because you looked happy tonight in a way I haven’t seen in weeks. Or were you acting happy? Because it was either him or being around actors that made you light up like that. If it’s acting, and you want to go back to it, then we should talk about it.”
And add bad reviews to her already full plate of negative feedback?
“Josh and I grew up together. He’s like a brother to me. But he’s always been gay, Magnus. If you think there’s something between us—”
“I’m not jealous,” he said pithily.
Ouch.
“Good,” she claimed. “Because you don’t have any reason to be.”
“But I can’t be your whole life,” he added.
“You’re not. Rolf is.” She was stooping to being mean, but he was standing right on her heart.
They glared at each other, but she looked away first.
“Do you want me to go back to acting?” she asked with trepidation. Was this his way of pushing her out of his life now that she’d produced the heir he needed?
“I don’t want the guilt of keeping you from something you love.”
“You’re not. I’m making a choice.”
“You’re making a sacrifice.”
“For my son .”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t even know what we’re fighting about,” she muttered, leaving her couture clothes on the floor and yanking to tie the belt on her robe.
“We’re fighting about the fact that I stole your life from you.”
“What life?” she cried. “I chose to have him, Magnus. Not because I wanted to be the mother of a king, but because I wanted to be a mother . This is not the way I imagined my life would turn out, that’s true, but it’s a very good life. I—” Oh, she would have to say it. “I’m in this life because I love you.”
“Don’t say that.” He winced and looked away.
He might as well have knocked her off the top of the building into the Thames. She sucked in a breath, unable to find words.
“Lex—”
“No,” she choked, holding up a hand. “ Now you’ve given me a reason to look for fulfillment elsewhere.”
“Let me explain what I meant,” he said tightly.
“Do you love me?” she demanded.
He hesitated and his expression became that stony horrible one that gave away nothing, which finished crushing her heart.
On the monitor, Rolf began to fuss. She snatched it up and headed for the door, thankful that she wouldn’t complete her humiliation by crying in front of Magnus.
He could have called out to her, though. He could have told her to ask the nanny to get their son and stay here to work this out.
He could have fought for her.
But he didn’t.
He let her walk out.
And she was devastated.
He shouldn’t have let her walk out. He should have said, Yes. I love you. I love you in ways I didn’t know I could love .
Because he did. And it made him feel as though he was being boiled alive.
From the time Sveyn had talked to him about sacrifice and selfishness, Magnus could only see himself as selfish where Lexi was concerned. He had wanted her from the moment he spotted her. He had balked at being told he couldn’t have her and had found a way to stay in the periphery of her life even when he shouldn’t have. The very second that he’d had an excuse to drag her into his world, he’d acted ruthlessly to do so.
And he’d been watching her suffer for it the whole time. She might have chosen to carry the pregnancy and become a mother, but she hadn’t wanted the strictures of royal life. She had known their marriage would make her that much more of a target of attention, especially the negative kind.
Magnus had countered all of those downsides with his own rationalizations. He protected her. He supported her and the child they’d made. He gave her as much physical pleasure as they could bear. He had given her a family, such as his was, to replace the one he’d cost her by exposing their treachery.
Then, tonight, Magnus had seen for the first time that she did have a family she loved. A life where she was welcomed and celebrated. Her childhood friend had put carefree laughter into her eyes, if only for a few moments.
A ferocious tightening had sat in his chest while Magnus had watched them. Their connection had been similar to the way Freyr still hugged Dalla sometimes. It had struck Magnus as too similar. Had he broken her away from a place where she felt loved and accepted? Why? So she could live inside the boundaries of his life and still suffer the anguish of what strangers said about her?
When she asked if he loved her, he couldn’t see how telling her would help. It wouldn’t change anything. It would only make her feel obligated to accept this life he’d forced her to take on.
That’s why he’d told her not to say it. If she loved him, it meant she would keep making sacrifices for him. He didn’t want that from her. He wanted her to thrive. He wanted her to be the delightful force he knew her to be, with her strong personality and her cheeky remarks and her way of leading with her heart no matter how many times she’d been disappointed by those around her.
How could she even say she loved him? That was the real reason he’d told her not to say it. How could she love him after the things he’d done to cage her into this life with him? He’d done it out of selfishness, because he was so damned tired of being alone. How could she love that ?
She didn’t come to their bed, staying in Rolf’s room overnight. She didn’t talk much the next morning either, keeping the baby and nannies and Ulmer between them as a buffer.
When they arrived back on Isleif, she said she had a headache so Magnus let her retreat to her room while he brooded on how he would pull them from this tailspin.
Before he saw Lexi the following morning, he was summoned to speak to Katla.
Irritated by what felt like a prime example of what had caused their fight—the fact that his obligation to the crown would always come before her—he strode into the formal receiving room with his usual flouting of protocol.
“Is this about Asia? I’ve already had discussions with Sorr. It’s under control.”
“No. That trip will be canceled. We have a personal matter to discuss.”
“You are not going to attack me about Lexi. She’s all but living under a veil. No, Katla. We have to learn to live with the bad press.”
“Magnus,” she said with quiet urgency. “I’ve been waiting until the diagnosis was confirmed. I have the same heart defect as my mother. I must abdicate.”