Chapter 11
“L ou—” Jude was off Rob’s lap in an instant, but Lou had gone already.
By the time he got to the door, there was no sign of her in the hallway.
He turned to Rob and shot out a hand, close to losing his balance.
Rob was up and across the room in a blink to brace Jude, stopping just before making contact, as if them touching again might worsen the situation.
Jude clutched the door frame instead. What Louise must have seen and heard was bad enough, but what was worse—so much worse—was seeing the same frozen look on her face as he’d seen from his dad.
It replayed as his heart at first sank and then pounded before sinking even deeper.
The front door slamming broke that cycle, and Jude took off, steps thumping along the landing, thundering down the stairs, sure his grip could take the heavy front door off its hinges rather than let it stop him from getting to her.
Louise was all he had left.
The last survivor of a family lost because of his actions.
He didn’t deserve her.
He stopped, palms spread on the inside of the front door, his forehead landing with a despairing bump against it.
“Don’t come out here, Jude.” Louise’s voice was muffled.
“Lou—”
“I said, don’t.” This time he heard her sob. “Don’t open the door, and don’t say a word.” Her voice hitched. “I heard enough already.”
“Please, Lou—”
“No. I… I can’t talk to you right now.”
Jude couldn’t speak either. There were no words in the world to explain, other than the ones she’d overheard without him knowing. They were his entire truth, and each syllable must have damned him.
Rob was quieter, behind him. “Let her go, Jude.”
Jude’s grip tightened on the new lock that Louise had replaced without him here to help her.
“I mean it,” Rob said. “Let her go.” He raised his voice. “Will you go to Marc’s, Lou?”
“I don’t know.” God, she sounded as lost as Jude felt. “Y-yes,” she decided. “Only he won’t know I’m coming.”
“I’ll ring him for you,” Rob called out. “Let him know you’re on your way and need to stay for the night. Go to his place, and sit tight. We love you,” he added.
Jude heard her whimper, a small sound that slayed him.
“We do,” Rob promised. “Both of us. I should have told you that ages ago. Not about me and Jude; that wasn’t my news to share, but I’ve been honest with you about everything else.
We really do both care so much about you.
” Rob somehow managed to insert a glimmer of humour into a bleak situation.
“I’m going to keep it real, Lou. I fancy the pants off Jude, have done since the first time I saw him, but based on past performance, you’re more likely to stick around for longer.
” He paused while there was silence. “You and me, Lou… what we’ve been through together, turning this place inside out to make something new here.
I wouldn’t have missed it, even if I’d never met Jude.
I wouldn’t have missed it because it meant I got to know you. ”
The sound of a choked sob made its way through the door.
“Go and sleep on it, sweetheart.” Rob gripped Jude’s shoulder, hold tightening even as his voice softened. “Sleep on it, and we’ll come and find you tomorrow.” He sounded certain. “That’s when we’ll all start over.”
Jude prayed that Lou would let him.
Jude cleared the rest of the study as penance, time passing in a blur of what-ifs and if-onlys that no amount of stripping books from their shelves and carrying boxes to the boatshed could answer, only nodding or shaking his head whenever Rob spoke to him.
There was no point verbalising his regrets, no payoff that could come from wishing he could somehow turn back time to make sure Louise didn’t overhear him.
Besides, if turning back time was possible, he’d shove those clock hands back a whole lot farther, put all that muscle he’d earned while crewing for Tom to good use if that meant he got his family back, with no reason for any of them to look at him like Lou just had.
Jude toiled until Rob stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, steering him to the snug where a meal waited, urging him to sit down and eat.
He picked up his spoon and stirred a chowder made, he realised dully, from the last of Carl’s catch.
Thick, rich, and no doubt delicious, Jude couldn’t make himself take a single mouthful until Rob interceded.
“It’s going to be okay,” he promised as if he had some way to know that for certain. “I’m guessing it doesn’t feel like it will ever be okay, right now, but it will be, Jude. Lou needs some time, that’s all. Some space to wrap her head around the fact—”
“That I’m the reason that Mum and Dad aren’t here.”
There it was, the truth—harsh, unequivocal, and honest.
“No.” Rob pulled out the chair next to Jude and then sat close, tugging at Jude’s chair until they almost faced each other.
He scooted even closer until their knees dovetailed, like them sitting close together hadn’t already caused no end of trouble.
“No, Jude,” Rob insisted. “No one would ever blame you for that.” He continued before Jude could argue.
“She just needs a bit of time to deal with feeling guilty.”
“Guilty?” That was the last word Jude would have chosen. “Why would she feel guilty?”
“Oh, mate.” That crease between Rob’s brows was like catching a sudden glimpse of Rob’s father. “You really didn’t notice?”
“Notice what?”
“Her face, Jude. Her face when she realised that you’ve been blaming yourself all this time without her knowing. Do you think she would have let you carry all of that for this long if she’d had the first idea that you were struggling?”
Jude wasn’t struggling; carrying this particular responsibility was his task alone to shoulder. He almost opened his mouth to say so, but Rob wasn’t done yet.
“And don’t start with any more of that bullshit about it all being on you.
I’ve been here for a long time, Jude. There’s a lot I’ve heard about your mum and dad, and I’ve got to say that none of it matches what you told me.
” He grasped Jude’s knees, holding him in place.
“Listen.” The release of his grip was equally speedy.
“No, don’t listen. Look.” He stood, his chair scraping against flagstones.
Rob left the snug bar to rummage in a box at the foot of the staircase.
He returned with an armful of framed photos.
“You know that you and your dad are identical when you smile, don’t you? ”
What that had to do with anything, Jude had no clue until Rob showed him, turning one of the photos face up. It almost hurt to see both him and his dad beam out from behind the glass. Rob asked, “Where was this photo taken?”
“Down at the rock pools,” Jude murmured.
“The deep ones, not the shallow ones we walked through. I don’t know when exactly.
” A much younger Jude crouched next to his dad at the water’s edge, all skinny legs and narrow shoulders.
His dad’s hair was Jude’s current sun-bleached blond, he noticed, not even a hint of the grey it had been by the time he’d sailed away for the last time.
“I was ten, maybe?” he guessed, caught in the memory of September sun on his shoulders, most of the summer tourists long gone, and of trying so hard to mimic his dad’s brand of silent, stoic patience.
A fish had slithered out of his grasp only seconds before that photo was taken.
Words slipped out almost as easily as that fish had slid from his hold.
“It took me all afternoon to catch one fish. Dad almost died laughing when I dropped it back in the water.”
“It took you all afternoon? And he was with you the whole time?”
Jude nodded. “Yeah. It took forever because we weren’t using rods or tackle.” He unconsciously rubbed his fingertips together, surprised they didn’t feel pruned as he remembered.
“Why?”
“Why what?” Jude looked up from the photo into eyes as dark as the deep crevice that fish had swum to for safety.
“Why didn’t you use a rod?”
“Because…” Why hadn’t they? And like the tide, eventually, the memory washed in, bringing a host of others with it.
“There’s a book down at the boatshed that Lou and I read from cover to cover each winter while Dad worked on the One for Luck .
It was one of those ‘how-to’ guides for kids.
Like how to start a fire without matches, you know?
” His fingers strayed to his belt loop out of habit.
He unclipped his keyring and showed Rob the tiny, waterproof canister that had hung from it forever.
“We all got one of these in our Christmas stocking the year we started reading that book and trying out all of its tips.” He prised the seal open to show the contents.
“We tried starting a fire the way the book suggested. It worked, but Dad thought a couple of waterproof matches might be quicker, in case we were ever stranded. Catching a fish with your bare hands was another way to stay alive, the book said.”
Rob said matter-of-factly, “So he helped you try out all of the tips? That doesn’t sound like someone who’d have no time for you, Jude.
And then he bought you and Lou a survival kit so you wouldn’t ever have to struggle?
That sounds like someone who wanted you to have the best chance of being healthy and happy.
” His gaze seemed even darker as he leaned close, holding the photo so Jude couldn’t avoid it.
“You dropped the fish, but look at that grin. You messed up, but he loved you. Does that look like someone who’d give you shit for being gay once they wrapped their head around it? ”
“I told you how he was. Is ,” Jude forced out. “You didn’t see the way he used to look at anyone who might be queer.” Another memory lapped close. “You didn’t see the look on his face the first time he saw Marc.”
Rob was puzzled. “Marc? What’s he got to do with anything?”
“Eyeliner,” Jude said like that was an entire answer.
“You know his whole family were artists?” At Rob’s nod, Jude added, “Maybe their teen son wearing eyeliner on his first day at school was normal for them. Creative, or something, but it caused a lot of gossip when he first started.” And hadn’t that been a weight off Jude’s shoulders for a few glorious weeks, thinking that Marc wearing make-up might deflect attention from him and his lack of girlfriends.
That relief only lasted until Lou had invited Marc home.
“I’m telling you now, Dad looked at him the same way Lou looked at me just before she ran out. ”
“Like Lou did?” Rob’s expression shifted too quick for Jude to keep up, settling into something he found hard to look at, so he didn’t.
He studied the photo instead until Rob cupped his face first with one hand, then another, those faint lines at the corner of his eyes feathering a little deeper as he said, “That was guilt, Jude. If your dad looked at Marc that way, he must have had a reason.” The pads of his thumbs pressed lightly, as if he wanted to press that idea into his skin.
Jude shook his head. “You didn’t know him,” he insisted as Rob sighed. “He always looked like that around anyone who might be queer. Or he’d outright avoid them.”
Rob ducked his head to maintain eye contact.
“A bit like you did each time I tried to talk to you at the meet and greet for the contest?” His eyebrows rose.
“What? You think I didn’t notice?” He swallowed before saying, “Turns out that quietly hard-to-get is my type.” That was an admission Jude hadn’t expected.
“You avoided me if you could. And if your dad did the same thing to anyone he thought might be gay, all that tells me is that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
Maybe both of you bottle stuff up instead of sharing.
” His next smile was small. “So you’re right in one way. ”
“How?” Jude asked, his voice gravelly, Rob so close they could have kissed.
Rob whispered, “I didn’t know him, but if he’s anything like Lou, he’d want you to be happy.
” He closed the final fraction of distance, lips brushing Jude’s so softly, at first, Jude couldn’t keep from leaning forward.
They connected then, mouths slotting together as close as their knees under the table, real and firm and grounding.
This wasn’t the fierce goodbye kiss Rob had given him in the kitchen, or the soft consolation in his father’s study.
It touched so much deeper.
Rob’s mouth moved on his, so warm after Lou’s look had left Jude frozen, giving, now Jude needed to take, slow, in case anything faster might spin Jude’s world off its axis.
Rob cupped his face once more, holding Jude still and steady.
He gradually pulled back, only a few inches between them, so Jude heard his conviction.
“I promise that they’d both hate for you to be unhappy, like this. ”
Jude couldn’t listen to that, couldn’t absorb everything Rob had suggested about mistaking reactions that he’d witnessed.
Nothing made sense, apart from how good it felt to embrace Rob fully, no need to hide while the pub was empty.
He kissed Rob, his mouth open, tongues making electric contact and sliding.
He also slid his palms up Rob’s thighs to get closer as he leaned in, brushing a thumb where Rob hardened for him.
Maybe Jude looked as dazed as he felt when Rob eventually withdrew. Rob kissed him once more, fleeting this time on his lips, his next to Jude’s forehead slower and reassuring. He said, “If I thought fucking you would make any of this better, you know I wouldn’t take much persuading, don’t you?”
Sex sounded like a perfect answer to Jude right then. A way out of his head for a while, at least.
Rob didn’t give him time to say so. He kissed him one last time instead.
“You’ve no idea of the number of times I’ve thought about it.
Only with everything you’ve told me, I’m not sure you’d thank me tomorrow.
You need to get your head straight, so stay here, tonight, will you?
Sleep in Lou’s room. Things will look better in the morning. ”
Then he went, leaving Jude still heartsore, but hopeful.