Chapter 26 #2
Jude let the words lap around him, the two men interacting easily, just as inquisitive as each other.
He sipped milkless tea that tasted perfect and wondered how the hell he’d ended up here, sitting next to a man he didn’t know firsthand, yet who’d played such a huge part in his make-up.
It was overwhelming. Almost as overwhelming as when he’d first had to come to terms with being gay, with nothing but his dad’s silence whenever Trevor was mentioned to confirm that was a problem.
His head throbbed, headache brewing as he asked, perhaps brusquely, “You said Dad sent you some postcards?”
Trevor didn’t seem offended. Instead, he patted Jude’s knee.
“A man of few words, like your dad, I see.” It only took moments for Rob to go where Trevor directed, opening a drawer and returning with a clutch of colourful cards showing the progress of a journey that Jude had later followed—Pyramids and camels came first followed by temples and huge Buddhas—he’d stopped too in all those places.
Jude rubbed at his forehead, skull feeling far too small to contain all his questions.
Where to start wasn’t an issue. Rob spoke up for him.
“How did he know where to send them?”
“Simon? He added his email address to the end of the message he left online. I replied—just a quick thank you along with my address so we could meet up when I was feeling brighter. I wasn’t in the best place right then to rehash the past.” He paused for a long moment, visibly pulling himself together in a way Jude had done so often when reminded of missing loved ones.
Trevor touched the frame of the nearest photo of his husband.
“I mean, I wasn’t ready to dwell on why I hadn’t heard from him for so long.
” His next glance Jude’s way was quizzical. “Did he ever mention….”
“He told us what happened.”
“Ah,” Trevor folded his hands around the cards. “Different times, boys. Difficult ones. For both of us.” He closed his eyes. “Simon was so angry when we were both dismissed.”
Jude couldn’t help it. He shouted, “He shouldn’t have been angry with you. You didn’t do anything worth losing everything like that—your jobs, your bonuses. He shouldn’t have been angry with you.”
Trevor looked between Jude and Rob then, brows drawn before saying.
“He wasn’t. Angry at me, I mean.” He turned a little in his seat.
“It took me a while to work out afterwards that he was angry with himself, furious that he let me down when I was the one who should have been more cautious. That was the environment we worked in, you see, but I was young and….” He faltered.
“I was in love. Simon used to help by clearing out of our cabin. I put both our jobs at risk, I knew it, but he said that if I was half as in love as he was with your mother….” He drew in a deep breath.
“He gave us space. All he asked was that I was careful.”
For an extended moment, he said nothing.
Then his back straightened. “He never wanted to stand in what amounted to a courtroom where he had to deny being my best friend to my face. He knew exactly what I was, and never held it against me until I suggested that it might be better if he did.” Jude let out a small sound of denial, and Trevor paused before saying, “I insisted. What was the point in both of us losing our jobs? I told him to lay it on thick about how the sight of me left him sick to his stomach when we both knew we’d grown as close as brothers.
I coached him,” Trevor admitted. “Gave him all the answers they’d want to hear about how he wished he’d never known me.
But it was all for nothing. I tried to see him afterwards, several times until he asked me to stop.
After a while, I did. I didn’t realise it was because he was ashamed of himself; ashamed of what he’d said about me, even though it was my idea in the first place. ”
Ashamed of himself? Jude reeled. Ashamed of himself instead of disgusted, for real?
Trevor nodded as if Jude had spoken aloud. “I didn’t truly realise that he couldn’t forgive himself for what he’d said. Not until he got back in touch and sent these.” He fanned out the postcards.
The first one he read aloud was short. “Today I remembered how long it took you to get your sea legs, Trev. Angie’s not a fan of the Bay of Biscay either! Hope she stops puking quicker than you did, otherwise this trip will be as messy as our first one.”
It was wonderful and awful to hear his dad’s words like this—wonderful to know he’d reached out; awful to have it confirmed that his mum had been as seasick as Jude predicted—but the Bay of Biscay’s choppy waters would have been plain sailing compared to the last storm they must have encountered.
Jude ducked his head, forearms braced on his knees, his lips pressed together to stop their sudden trembling.
Trevor didn’t appear to notice while reading from another postcard.
“Remember this big guy?” he read, “And the monkey that stole your wallet?” Trevor turned over the postcard to show the massive Buddha Jude last saw in his dad’s study.
Then he continued reading. “This time, one tried to steal Angie’s hair comb! ”
Fuck. He couldn’t hear this. Jude shook his head very slightly.
Rob noticed and interceded. “Trevor? I wonder if we could come back another time to hear the rest?”
“Of course. Please, please do. For breakfast tomorrow, perhaps?” His voice softened. “I imagine this is a lot to deal with.”
Jude nodded, gaze still fixed on the floor.
“Only, maybe read these before you go.” He shuffled through the stack of cards, retrieving a couple that Rob took from him. “I’ll leave you boys for a few minutes.”
The moment the door closed behind him, Rob offered the postcards and said, “Do you want to—”
Jude shook his head again. Reading would be impossible with his eyes so blurry. “You,” was all that he could get out. He closed his eyes as soon as Rob started reading, his voice steady and low, one hand on Jude the whole time.
His dad had written so many more words onto each card, the further he travelled.
“Angie’s doing fantastic,” was a highlight of this one.
“Was meant to be me and Jude on this voyage, but now I think both Angie and I are glad that she took his place—turns out she’s a cracking sailor.
Forty years with the woman, and she’s still full of surprises.
” Rob cleared his throat before he read the closing sentences.
“Keep thinking about seeing all these places with you for the first time, mate. You know I’m sorry, don’t you, Trev?
Have been every day since I last saw you.
I know you wanted me to lie so we wouldn’t both get the boot, but the biggest regret of my life was that I didn’t tell them all to get stuffed.
I remember you and that day every single time I meet anyone else gay. ”
His dad’s silence about the subject took on a brand new context.
Jude had more regrets about that than he knew what to do with.
Rob read the last postcard while wiping away easy tears that Jude almost envied, his own trapped behind a steep wall he’d spent years building brick-by-brick, maybe for no reason.
“When we get back, I want to talk to you about Jude,” Rob read, sounding about as choked as Jude felt.
“Angie’s mentioned a few things about him that make a lot of sense, now I think about them.
Maybe you could come to London with me? Book a table at that fancy restaurant he works at and get him talking.
You know I’m rubbish with words—that’s Angie’s jurisdiction—but maybe if he sees I’ve got a gay friend, he’ll want to come home more often. ”
“He knew.” Rob set the cards down before kneeling between Jude’s legs, shoring him up when that brick wall finally crumbled.
Rob whispered, “Your dad knew, and of course he still loved you,” while Jude sobbed like a baby.