7. Jolie
JOLIE
“He answered the questions so well and even agreed to meet with me again next week!” It’s impossible to hide my excitement. I am on a high. This afternoon went way better than I expected, and now I’m on a date. Like, a real date. Kieran has taken me out to dinner and everything.
He’s watching me, sipping a glass of wine while I regale him with every detail I can think of. I don’t tell him exactly what Ben said—I want to save that up for the article—but I let him know that Ben is an impressive man with a good soul.
“You’ve got a good soul too.” Kieran smiles, reaching forward to take my hand.
His fingers curl into my palm, and a pulse of heat starts beating in my stomach. When his thumb gently caresses the top of my hand, I think I’ve gone to heaven.
Seriously.
This is magical.
I spent most of high school falling for guys who didn’t even know I existed.
I went to prom with the only person who asked me, but I wasn’t really into him.
We kissed at the end of the night. I also made out with a guy from my biology class my junior year, but that was more experimenting what it felt like to touch our tongues together, so it wasn’t romantic or anything.
But this.
This right here.
It’s so romantic.
Kieran is smiling at me like he’s enjoying himself. His gentle gaze is making me feel heard, seen, important.
It kind of steals my breath, and my epic interview sputters into the most unimportant thing that happened today. “So… enough about me. Tell me about your day.” I reach for my cutlery, my food now lukewarm.
It still tastes good, though, and I take small bites as I listen to Kieran’s run-through of his day. Because of the paper, he’s decided to take fewer classes this year and take an extra year to earn his degree. Smart. He’s loving what he’s working on, and I tell him I think he’s brilliant at it.
“Thank you.” He smiles, reaching for my arm this time and giving it a squeeze. “Your skin’s so soft,” he whispers, leaning close, his eyes warming with something electric.
Oh my gosh, he’s so into me right now.
I’m not used to this, but I’m loving it.
This day couldn’t get any better if I wanted it to.
At least that’s what I think… until he invites me to his place for dessert.
Wow. Actually… wow.
It can get better.
Giddy after that delicious food and the attention of this charming man, I happily jump into his car and let him drive me to his place. I’m assuming he has roommates, but when we get there, I see he’s in a small studio apartment and he’s got it all to himself.
My insides churn. I think it’s excitement, but there’s also a pinch of trepidation riding through me. I’ve never done anything like this before.
With a thick swallow, I bob my head and glance at him. “This place is cool.” Clutching my purse, I scan the space, all neat lines and clean finishes.
It’s compact, but very functional. Breakfast dishes have obviously spent the day drip-drying in the rack, and the countertops are wiped down and clean. Mom always says the state of someone’s kitchen tells you a lot about who they are as a person.
I like that Kieran’s neat.
I grew up in an immaculate home. My parents weren’t anal, but they definitely prefer tidy, clean spaces, which is a challenge for someone like me who is naturally kind of messy.
It’s not that I want to be; I just don’t always notice the mess, or I might go to tidy up but then get distracted by something and forget.
“Do you want a drink? I’ve got beer, some vodka…”
“Oh, I can’t drink.” I smile at him. “Not old enough.”
He laughs, resting his hands on the counter. “I won’t tell.”
I giggle at his playful expression and shake my head. “I’m good. But thank you.” Clearing my throat, I inch a little farther into his place, wondering what we’ll get up to in here.
My eyes dart to his bed, and a thrill races through me.
Will we make out?
The idea is more than appealing. I haven’t kissed a guy since my senior prom, and it’d be nice to experience that again. I wonder if his hands will wander. A thrill races through me.
Yes, I’m a virgin, but I’ve always been curious about sex.
I know you’re not supposed to have it until you’re married, but people do it all the time.
My cousin is a case in point. She loves sex—not that she’s told me every little detail, but I know she’s into it.
And I’ve snuck a few peeks at some of her romance novels.
I know how it all works, I’ve just yet to experience it.
Not that I will tonight.
I mean… will I?
My heart kicks out of rhythm, this heady excitement skipping through me.
Calm yourself.
I force my eyes away from his olive-green duvet cover and check out the painting above his bed. It’s a rose, all red and open. A bright, powerful pop of color in this otherwise neutral room.
“I like the painting.” I point at it, laying my purse down on the small table beside the couch.
“Thank you. My cousin did it for me.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, she’s a talented lady.” Kieran stands beside me, handing me a glass of water.
“Oh, thank you.” I smile at him and take a quick sip before tentatively inching closer to his bed.
“I love the colors. It’s so bright and cheerful and—oh wow, look at your ceiling!”
I rush to the edge of his bed to take a better look. The entire area above his mattress is covered with fairy lights that must twinkle like stars when they’re turned on. Fake red roses are threaded between them. It’s absolutely stunning.
“That is so cool. Did you do this yourself?”
“Yeah.” His soft laughter is kind of proud and totally adorable.
“Well, my cousin mostly.” He flops down onto the bed to stare up at it.
“I love waking up to this. I love falling asleep to it. Here, I’ll show you.
” He jumps back up, taking my water glass and setting it next to my purse before guiding me to his bed. “Lie down.”
Giving him a twitchy smile, I ignore the nerves scattering through me and stretch out onto his bed.
It’s so comfy; the duvet underneath me is soft and delicious. I can’t help a contented little sigh.
Pulling the skirt part of my dress back down to my knees, I gaze up at the magical ceiling, then gasp in delight when he turns on the lights. They sparkle like diamonds, little flickers of magic between those rosebuds.
“It must have taken her so long to do this.”
“I helped, but yeah…” Kieran laughs and switches off the other lights, which makes the ceiling even more beautiful. “It took us hours. Worth it, though.”
He lies down beside me, reaching for my hand and threading our fingers together. My insides start to dance. This is too amazing for words! His thumb brushes over the back of my hand again as his voice turns to a husky whisper. “I really wanted to show you this.”
“I’m glad you did.” My insides quake, butterflies scouring me when he rolls to his side so he can look at me.
Resting his hand on my stomach, he splays his fingers over that swarm of butterflies, and I can’t help a soft, giddy giggle.
He smiles. “You really are something else, Jolie. I love your smile and your sweet laugh. Ever since you walked into the office, I’ve been wanting to ask you out.”
“No, you haven’t.” I giggle again. “You didn’t even know I existed.”
“I did. I just… was trying not to be too forward. But you made it impossible to keep ignoring you. And then we bumped into each other on the street, and I knew it was meant to be. Hanging out with you is just so easy.” He shuffles closer, his breath fanning over my cheek.
“I like talking to you. I like watching you smile. I like how soft your skin is and how good you smell.” Gently nudging his nose into my cheek, he whispers, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”
“Yes.” I breathe the word more than say it, spinning toward him and wrapping my arm around his shoulders. Carina’s gentle warning evaporates the second his lips touch mine. His tongue slips into my mouth, and I am gone. He feels so good!
I love his hand squeezing my waist, the way his body shifts, his leg tangling between mine as we get caught up in this passionate moment.
I’ve never really had a passionate moment before. I wonder what it’d be like to do more than just kiss. My body zings with the idea. Am I ready for that?
I shouldn’t.
My parents, my pastor, my teachers—they all went on and on about how this sort of thing is sacred and only supposed to happen between a husband and a wife.
But I’ve always been curious. And Caroline certainly hasn’t followed that path.
She started sleeping around in college because she wanted to experience that side of herself… and maybe I want that too.
I mean, I think.
I’m not sure.
If my parents ever find out about this, they will kill me.
They won’t find out. You don’t have to tell them about any of this. Just stop thinking so hard and go with it. Spread your wings!
“You feel so good,” Kieran murmurs, his lips trailing across my cheek and down to my neck.
My brain’s in chaos, trying to figure out whether I should just close my eyes and let myself experience whatever this might end up being or if I should politely push him away and tell him I’m not ready.
“I want to touch you. Can I touch you?” His head pops up to check my face, and I swallow, bobbing my head without even knowing what I’m doing.
I am ready. At least, I want to be.
I have to know what the big deal is.
That’s okay, right?
It would be way too awkward to push him away now anyway. And I kind of want to know what he means by touching me.
Squeezing my waist again, he trails his hand up my body, rounding my barely there breast and giving it a squeeze. He groans like this is delectable, and this sensation I’ve never felt before runs down my body.
He’s touching my boob!
No one’s ever done that before. I think I like it.
He moans again, kissing my neck and gently sucking a spot beneath my jawline.
Oooo, that’s nice.
And he just groaned again, so I think he likes it too.
Closing my eyes, I let myself get whisked away in this heavy petting session. His lips crash back over mine, and I swipe my tongue into his mouth while his hand trails down my body, flicking his fingers under my dress and running them up my thigh.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
My body tingles with anticipation, and when he starts tugging on my underwear, I forget how to breathe.
“This is okay, right?”
I don’t know what to say, and when I creep my eyes open, he’s not even looking at me anyway. He’s reaching across to his nightstand and… oh wow, he’s hard. I can feel it in his pants. He has an erection, and it’s touching my leg!
This is thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.
Is he—
Yep, that’s a condom packet.
I’m about to have sex.
Wow. I wasn’t expecting this. It’s happening kind of fast, but maybe it’ll be okay.
My insides coil as I try to wrap my brain around the fact that I’m about to have sex for the first time.
This is huge!
And I kind of don’t want to say no.
It’s not like I have to tell my parents, and Kieran really likes me. He told me so.
But sex outside of marriage is a sin!
But Caroline’s done it, and there were no bolts of lightning striking her out of the sky.
And look at her now, happily with Casey.
Kieran could be my Casey!
He sits back on his knees, and my heart starts pounding so hard and fast I think I might throw up. When he unbuttons his pants and slides down the zipper, I hold my breath.
Oh wow. There’s his penis.
I’m looking at an actual penis.
It springs out of his underwear, and I try not to gape at it while he rolls the condom over himself.
He glances at my face, smiling at me when he reaches back under my dress and tugs my underwear off. My limbs are trembling, but he doesn’t seem to notice. My eyes follow the white cotton as he drops it onto the mattress beside him.
My heart is now crashing against my rib cage, stealing my breath as he stretches out over me.
This is happening.
I’m about to have sex.
Do I want this?
You can’t say no now!
Biting my bottom lip, I try to ignore my quivering stomach as Kieran kisses my neck again. His breath whispers over my skin when he nudges my legs a little farther apart with his knee. His condom-wrapped penis trails against my inner thigh, and I’m so tense I think I might implode.
This is all so new and foreign and—
You can stop it if you want to.
But I feel like I can’t.
I’m in this now, and I am curious, so I’m just going to go with it.
Pressing his lips into my neck, Kieran nudges his tip against my opening. I grip the back of his shoulders, my heart now racing between my ears. I can’t hear anything anymore. All I can do is stare up at the pretty ceiling as he nudges again and starts to push inside me.
I’m not sure he’s going to fit. It seems kind of tight and—
Ahhhh! Ow!
A burning hot pain tears me when he adds some more pressure and slides into me. His penis feels like a broad sword. It slices right through me, a brutal intrusion that I was not expecting.
I can’t help flinching, and he pauses for a second but then eases back and plunges into me again. Not roughly or anything, but… ow. It hurts.
Is it supposed to hurt like this?
I’ve heard the first time can, but I didn’t think I’d feel like I’d been cut in half.
I basically know nothing. Sex education at school was minimal, and sex education at home was nothing more than “Don’t do it until your wedding night!
” I’ve sneakily read the odd steamy scene from romance novels, and they always make sex sound amazing.
Caroline’s told me it’s amazing too and that she loves it, but that’s about it.
I’m not loving this.
Kieran groans and keeps moving, thrusting in and out of me… and all I can do is fight my tears.
I don’t like this.
I don’t like this at all.
“Feel so good,” Kieran whispers against my ear, moving a little faster.
Clinging to his shoulders, I continue to fight my tears, hoping this will be over soon.
I guess I could push him off me, but that’s kind of embarrassing, and I’m not sure if he’ll like that. I’ll just stay. I’ll just lie here. It’ll be over soon, right?
Moving up to his elbows, Kieran checks my face, and I give him a tight smile.
He grins back at me, pumping a little harder, then burying his head into the crook of my neck and grunting.
I can feel his heart hammering against my chest, his breaths getting short and punchy. Running his hand down my leg, he squeezes my thigh, and I think the end is in sight, because he’s now making this high-pitched kind of groan and his thrusts are getting urgent and…
Please let this be the end!
“Ahoooawww.” He lets out this weird sound, right in my ear, and thank God, I think he’s done.
Thrusting deep inside me with three quick jerks, he holds himself still, his hot breath panting against my neck and then my cheek, before he flops on top of me.
He makes it seem like he’s just run some kind of sprint, and I lie beneath him, stiff as a board and wondering how long I have to wait before I can politely thank him for the night and get out of here!