12. Ben
BEN
She thanked me like I did her this big service by listening and telling her that sex wasn’t a sin.
Seriously.
What was her upbringing like if she didn’t even think she was allowed to masturbate? And not thinking she can watch Bridgerton? Holy shit. Talk about repressed.
It kind of makes me even madder at the guy she went out with. I should have asked for his name. What a fucking douchebag!
Taking her virginity like that. No care. No tenderness.
What the actual fuck.
I mean, I’ve never slept with a virgin before.
My first time was with a girl in high school.
We’d been dating on and off throughout senior year, and yes, it’s cliché, but on prom night, we did it at the after-party.
It was amazing and mind-blowing and… we officially broke up after graduation.
That one didn’t hurt so bad. She got into Princeton and was moving to the other side of the country.
Neither of us wanted to do the long-distance thing.
We kissed, gave each other a hug, and murmured a few sweet thank-yous and endearments before going our separate ways.
But she’d only done it once before, and she’d told me to be careful. Her first time had been okay but not magical. So I took my time. She told me what she wanted, and I gave it to her.
By the sound of it, Jolie didn’t even have a chance to say what she wanted.
By the sound of it, she wouldn’t have even known what to ask for.
How can someone turn up to college so unprepared? It’s like her parents sheltered her from everything, then just threw her into the big bad world expecting her to land on her feet.
Shit, I can’t stop thinking about the various looks on her face as she bunched that sodden napkin in her hand and cried. I swear my heart was bleeding by the end, and as I watched her ride away on her scooter, I told myself to keep tabs on her.
The interviews are over now, but when I see her around campus, I’ll definitely give her a wave, maybe walk over and say hi.
Someone needs to keep an eye on her.
This cousin she spoke about, I wonder if she’s as green as Jolie is. Although I got the impression Jolie looks up to her. Damn, I hope she’s helping her too. Unless Jolie’s too ashamed to admit what happened to her.
Dammit. She shouldn’t feel any shame at all!
Shaking my head, I hitch my bag onto my shoulder and head to my first class of the day. I had a restless sleep, consumed by Jolie’s tearful confession. I can’t really do much about it, so I don’t know why it’s eating at me.
I just hate what happened to her. I hate that she never wants to have sex again.
That’s just wrong.
One bad experience should not put her off for life.
Shit, it must have been awful.
Scuffing the pavement with my Converse, I run over everything I said to her, hoping I did the right thing. Hoping I argued my point in a gentle enough way to reach her.
Sex is supposed to be a pleasure, and one day, she deserves to discover that.
I hope she can find a guy who will take care of her. Give her that orgasm she’s never had.
Not even one.
Unbelievable.
She really deserves better than that.
I don’t sleep around a ton. I didn’t come to college planning on sowing my wild oats, and I’ve already made the decision not to do anything like that this year.
I can’t afford to get my heart broken yet again.
It fucking sucks. Mandy left a giant bruise on my left ventricle.
The right was demolished by a redhead I had no business getting hooked on in the first place.
Caroline Mason.
Damn, our one night together was fire.
It was the best sex I’d ever had, and I thought that meant something, so I didn’t treat our encounter as a party hookup.
I turned it into: She’s the girl for me.
And then I wasted weeks searching campus for her, trying to connect, only to get burned at the fucking stake when I realized she’d been dodging me because she was in love with someone else.
I’m still pissed off with myself over the way I behaved.
Seriously. I just handed her my heart on a platter. She was basically a stranger, and I turned her into a siren. She had me in the palm of her fucking hand… and then she threw me in the trash, because Casey Pierce was the guy for her.
Mr. Hockey.
Mr. Womanizing Man-Whore.
She chose him over me… even though there was a chance she was carrying my baby.
I fucking lost it when I found that out. Yelled right in her face. And then she had that miscarriage, and I thought it was my fault.
Worst day of my life.
I gave her flowers, apologized, tried to set things right, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it completely.
It fucking hurt, what she did to me. What I did to her. It haunted me for the rest of the year, and summer break couldn’t come fast enough.
Meeting Mandy helped. After only a few weeks, I thought she was the one. The sex was great. She taught me so much, and we had fun together. We’re both pre-law, we liked the same flavor of ice cream, and she thought A Few Good Men was one of the greatest movies ever, just like me.
But it turns out, I was once again playing the blind fool.
I told her I loved her, and she told me it was only a summer fling.
Well, fuck that.
Fuck all women!
I’m so done with that bullshit.
Jolie’s sweet face flickers through my brain, but I shake my head. She doesn’t count. She’s a na?ve freshman, and I’m not into her that way.
I’ll keep an eye out for her, but it’s not like I’ll catch feelings or anything. She’s not my type. I just want to make sure she’s okay.
Scanning the path ahead of me, I find myself looking for that blonde bob, that slightly awkward gait, those long limbs, that—
My heart stutters, my steps slowing as a flash of red hair crosses the path right in front of me.
I hope she doesn’t turn my way and see me. I’ve been avoiding her ever since I took her flowers and apologized.
Thankfully, she’s talking on the phone, laughing over something and completely oblivious to me.
Caroline Mason.
Yeah, she still goes to Nolan U, and I do see her occasionally.
It hurts every time.
I’m over her.
I am.
But one glimpse of those red curls and it all comes back. Every shitty detail of that ordeal stings like a fresh cut.
Staying where I am, I wait for her to move completely out of range before continuing my walk to class.
No women.
I set that goal for a reason, and I need to keep it at the forefront of my mind.
I’m not fucking up my year over a girl. My heart obviously can’t handle casual flings, so I just don’t need to have any. Girls are not worth the trouble.