JOLIE
Oh my gosh.
That was ah-maaa-zing!
Sure, it was a little tight when he first entered, but he was so slow and gentle about it. There was no ripping or fast thrusting. It was this easy ride that didn’t pick up pace until we were both fully immersed in this horizontal dance that was out of this world!
I feel like I just had a Daphne and Simon moment.
They’re the first Bridgerton couple, and all of those honeymoon scenes they had together… well, I just had one of my own!
“That was incredible,” I whisper, waiting for Ben to lie down beside me, snuggle in close, maybe kiss my cheek, tell me it was amazing for him too.
But he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, cleaning himself up with a tissue. Snatching a few out of the box by the bed, he then starts wiping his cum off my body. He’s frowning, not looking at me, and…
Why is he frowning?
Why has the energy in the room gone from sweet ecstasy to something heavy and brooding?
“Uh… are you okay?” I run my hand down his bare arm.
He flinches at my touch.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.
“For what?”
“For doing that… I…” He squeezes his eyes shut. “I shouldn’t have done that. This is about you, not me.”
“But I… wanted you to. I enjoyed it. It’s exactly the way I was hoping sex would be. Ben, it was—”
“I wasn’t even wrapped,” he barks, standing up and walking away from the bed. “I didn’t ask for your consent.”
“You didn’t need to. I was showing you that I wanted it.”
“That’s not okay.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “You always double-check anyway. No guy should be doing that with you unless he’s completely sure you want it.”
“I did want it. I pulled you on top of me.” I sit up, hugging my knees to my chest as we have this bizarre argument.
We should be floating on a loved-up cloud right now, not—
Why’d you say loved-up?
And that’s when it hits me. I know why he’s regretting this.
Because while I’ve been catching feelings for this guy, he doesn’t think about me that way at all. Now he has to tell me that he’s not interested. He doesn’t feel anything for me; he just got caught up in the moment, and this will never happen again.
We haven’t broken down any barriers today. I haven’t made him mine.
All I’ve managed to do is erect a new wall, because I forced him to cross a line he didn’t want to.
My lips part as these thoughts cascade through me. Like muddy water running down a bank, I suddenly feel dirty, dejected.
I always do this. Fall for the guys who don’t want me.
I’ll be floating along in my giddy little bubble, and then suddenly—POP! My slow brain finally catches up to what my heart couldn’t see.
And it’s happening all over again.
Ben’s agitated because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. He doesn’t care about me the way I care about him, and now he has to tell me.
He hasn’t gone and fallen in love like stupid me.
You’re in love? Really?
I think so. Or if I’m not, I’m well on my way to getting there.
Ben isn’t just great with his hands, he’s sweet and kind and a clever Scrabble player. He loves Legally Blonde and Bridgerton. He has a great smile, and he’s smart… and how could I not fall for him!
He helped me out when I asked him to. He showed me things without expecting anything in return. He even went all the way with me because I wanted him to.
But he didn’t want that.
Gazing at his broad back, the ache inside me blooms and grows until I think I might cry.
Scrambling off the bed, I quickly grab my things. He’s seen me cry enough. I have to go. Pulling on my clothes, I struggle to clip my bra with shaking hands.
“Jolie,” Ben croaks, but I don’t turn to look at him.
“I’m gonna go. I have some studying I have to do, and now this article I need to…” I shake my head, wondering if I should thank him for our final session.
But I don’t want to rub his nose in what I just made him do.
Snatching my bag, I avoid looking at him as I reach for the door.
“Jolie, please, just…”
“Bye, Ben.” I force a smile, my eyes glassing over and starting to burn as I let myself look at him one last time. “Thank you for everything.”
I want to say so much more.
I want to apologize but also praise him for how great he is. I want to blather on about how spending time with him has been the highlight of my college life so far. I want to beg him to see me again.
But I can’t keep forcing him into this.
He’s too kind to say no.
But he can’t hide his regret from me.
His expression crumples and he whispers my name one last time before I bolt out the door.
Hustling down the stairs, I actually let out a little scream when I nearly collide with a gorgeous Black woman. Or maybe she’s Hispanic. I’m not sure, but she’s tall and beautiful with this playful smile and sparkling brown eyes.
“Hi there.” She looks me up and down like she can’t wait to find out who I am. “I’m Charli.”
“Hi, Charli,” I murmur, easing around her and not saying my name, because what’s the point? It’s not like I can become friends with her if she’s friends with Ben, right?
Opening the front door, I counter her quizzical frown with a weak smile before slipping out into the sunshine and begging myself not to cry as I run back to campus.