Chapter 23 #2
Or rather, the voice in her head that told her that she was never good enough had been unfortunately assigned to her dead sister.
Elizabeth had been the good twin, but she’d never been harsh or unkind.
She had been a happy girl who was constantly singing, usually songs that she had made up.
Recalling some of them, the words had not always made sense, and Elizabeth had not stuck with a particular tune.
She’d sung whatever and however she’d wished to; and it had been a joyful noise.
She remembered Sunny’s words. Maybe when Elizabeth said to be good, she meant for Mantheria to be happy. And she was trying to be.
Stooping down by her twin’s grave, Mantheria said, “Oh, Lizzie, Becca was married today, and she looked so beautiful and happy. And I feel terrible for trying to convince her not to marry the man that she loves. My mistakes are not your fault. My experiences will not dictate Becca’s marriage or her husband’s faithfulness.
Between you and me, I doubt that Becca will have any difficulty adjusting to the marriage bed.
None of our younger sisters are frigid like me—afraid of being touched. ”
“I was.”
Mantheria turned around to see Frederica, who was the next closest in age to her and Elizabeth. Frederica resembled their mother, with a voluptuous figure and thick brown hair. She had married her childhood nemesis and was now the mother of one son and expecting her second child.
“Samuel and I did not consummate our marriage on the first night,” Frederica continued, as if speaking about such a personal experience was common. “I was too nervous, and he was patient.”
Mantheria stiffened in dread. She did not want anyone to know why her marriage had failed. It was a secret that she’d intended to take to her grave. “I am not sure that Samuel would appreciate you speaking to me about your private dealings as husband and wife.”
Frederica stepped closer to Mantheria and then passed her to place wildflowers, presumably ones she’d picked, onto Elizabeth’s grave and then on their brother Charles’s.
She stood back up, tall and confident. “Samuel is not the squeamish sort. And he knows that sometimes being vulnerable is what a relationship needs. He was the one who taught me that. It wasn’t until he told me some very personal and unflattering things about his family and his own struggles that I was able to be honest with him and to trust him enough to be intimate together. ”
Feeling her face growing hot, Mantheria stepped around her pregnant sister and began to walk away from her.
“You can run, but you can’t hide from your feelings. Trust me, I know it all too well,” Frederica said loudly. “And if you think going back to the castle and in front of other people will stop me from sharing my opinion, you have greatly misjudged my character.”
Mantheria stopped walking. The only worse scenario that she could imagine was for her entire family to learn the truth. She turned back to Frederica, who was walking slowly toward Mantheria with a hand on her growing belly. Mantheria felt another pang of envy.
Sighing, Mantheria said, “Speak your piece. You have certainly listened to me share my unwanted advice more times than we both can count.”
Frederica grinned, and Mantheria couldn’t help but think how beautiful her little sister was.
“Intimacy can be messy, and it requires a great deal of vulnerability. And you are not good at being messy or being vulnerable. But to be close to someone, you have to let them see all of you, and I am not speaking euphemistically; I mean that you have to allow them to know the good and the bad. Your mistakes and your fears and your weaknesses. Some women cannot be intimate with a man physically until they are comfortable with him emotionally. And I don’t think you were ever comfortable with Alexander emotionally or physically. ”
Mantheria rubbed the side of her face with one hand. “I was seventeen. Perhaps you might have been ready at that age for marriage, but I was not.”
Her sister came closer to Mantheria and took the hand from her face, holding the hand in her own.
“I don’t think that I would have been. I will never understand why Society marries child brides to grown men and expects them to be happy together.
You and Alexander were too different in age and experience.
Nor do I believe that he ever tried to connect with you emotionally before physically.
It is his fault as much as it may be yours that the intimacy between you was not as good as it could have been. ”
Mantheria tried to tug back her hand, but Frederica merely tightened her grip. “I don’t like being touched.”
“Get used to it,” Frederica said, her grip on Mantheria’s hand tighter than ever. “Lean into the discomfort. Tell me why you don’t like being touched. Discuss your feelings with me.”
“It is most unseemly to say such things to a sister.”
“You’re related to Helen. Nothing you say could be unseemly by comparison to what comes out of her mouth on a daily basis.”
Mantheria opened her lips to protest and then closed them.
Helen said whatever popped into her odd brain.
Perhaps it would be better to finally tell another soul the entire, unvarnished truth.
Maybe then she could let the specter of her late husband truly go.
“Soon after I became pregnant with Andrew, I was very nauseous and being touched seemed to make me sick. . . . My body was changing. Everything about my life was changing, and I felt so out of control. I couldn’t be a good wife. I couldn’t allow him in my bed.”
Frederica shook her head. “The fault was entirely his. A good man would have waited until you were ready to be intimate again. He was the one who got you with child. He should have been patient when you were struggling with your pregnancy. Sometimes husbands must simply wait. Especially after a baby is born and a woman’s body is recovering.
There are at least a couple of months, sometimes longer, where intimacy is not a good idea.
When a mother needs time to recover, a good man waits.
Do you hear me? He waits. A good husband does not turn to another woman the minute there is trouble between the two of you.
A good husband waits until both of you are ready for intimacy. ”
Utterly ashamed, Mantheria whispered her greatest fear. “What if I am never ready for intimacy?”
“Then a good man will satisfy himself with your companionship,” Frederica said, tilting her head slightly to one side.
“A husband’s ‘rights’ are all tosh and rot.
They are ridiculous laws made by men. No person has the right to your body without your permission at any time.
And intimacy is more than just the marriage act.
It is handholding, hugging, kissing, snuggling, and general nearness.
Sometimes just being near Samuel is all the intimacy that I need.
That and a listening ear. Luckily, he has two, for I have a great deal to say. ”
Mantheria rested her head on her sister’s shoulder. It was nice to be held, and despite the initial discomfort, she did enjoy being touched by a loving sister.
“Sunny loves you, you know,” Frederica said matter-of-factly, patting Mantheria’s back. “I mean, we’ve all known that he was crazy about you for a dozen years now. What I want to know is what is stopping you from a second chance at love and marriage?”
Stiffening, Mantheria lifted her head and stepped back from her sister. “That is none of your business.”
“And when has something not being my business ever stopped me before?”
This was true. Her younger sisters always stuck their noses (and other body parts) in other people’s business.
“I couldn’t bear for another marriage to fail because of me.
What if I am too broken to be intimate with a husband?
What if he gets tired of me and also finds companionship outside of marriage again? ”
Frederica put her hands on her hips, and her resemblance to their mother was striking.
“You are the most formidable woman and duchess that I have ever met. And if you do return Sunny’s feelings, you should tell him the truth.
All of it. And if he is willing to wait for intimacy until you are ready, then I would snatch him up if I were you. I don’t know many double duchesses.”
A laugh broke from her lips. If Mantheria married Sunny, she would be a duchess for the second time. A rare thing indeed. “What if he doesn’t wish to wait?”
“Then he is not worthy of you, and you should wait for a man who is. You, my sister, are beautiful, clever, talented, and rich. You will never lack for suitors, should you wish for them.”
“I’m afraid.”
“It’s hard to be vulnerable, but true love requires it.”
At last, Frederica released Mantheria’s hand, but then she threw her arms around Mantheria’s neck and hugged her tightly.
She whispered in Mantheria’s ear, “The only failure in your marriage was Alexander. He was the one who broke his vows. He chose to return to his mistress, and he chose to keep going back to her.”
Again, Mantheria tried to pull away from her sister, but Frederica held her too tightly.
“He tried. Alexander wanted to start again the spring when Wick fell in love with Louisa, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t leave me again.
especially if I didn’t want to be touched.
It was too overwhelming a thought to be intimate again, so I asked for a separation.
I gave up on my marriage before he did.”
Frederica leaned back a little and grasped Mantheria tightly by both of her shoulders.
“Oh no, you don’t have to take responsibility for his actions.
He was unfaithful to you, and if he really wanted to earn your trust back, he would have stopped his intimate relations with Lady Dutton before offering to come back to you and try to restart your marriage.
He did nothing to prove the sincerity of his words to you.
You had every right not to believe that he would or could change.
Were you ever unfaithful to your marriage vows? ”
“Of course not.”
Mantheria heard someone coming and saw that it was Andrew running in their direction. He arrived out of breath and smiling. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere, Mama. What are you and Aunt Frederica doing outside when there’s a party inside the castle?”
Frederica gave a little laugh. “I’ve been trying to knock some sense into your mother.”
Cocking his head to the side, Andrew said, “Well, I hope you were gentle with her.”
Mantheria’s lips twitched. Her sister had been anything but gentle. Or rather, she’d forced them to have a difficult conversation that Mantheria hadn’t wanted. But at this moment, she was grateful. “She wasn’t. But Aunt Frederica is right. Shall we all go back to the party?”
“Yes,” Andrew said, grabbing his mother’s hand and then Frederica’s.
“You’ll never believe it, but Aunt Becca and Uncle Phineas haven’t stayed for their own wedding breakfast. We waited and waited to start, but when Grandpa sent a servant to find them, they were gone. They’d escaped in his carriage!”
Covering her mouth with her free hand, Mantheria feigned surprise. “Shocking!”
Andrew nodded in agreement. “But more cake for me.”
Frederica winked. “And me.”
“After the meal, Sunny said that he would teach me how to shoot a bow and arrow,” Andrew continued.
“Did you know that he took first at Oxford in classical studies? Uncle Wick told me. And then Sunny offered to tell me all sorts of stories about the Romans. He’s read Homer in the original Greek and Virgil in Latin. Can you imagine?”
Unfortunately, she could, for she had read his beautiful translations.
“You don’t say,” Frederica said. “I suppose you’d best work twice as hard on your Latin with your governess so that you too can take a first in classical studies like Sunny did. In addition to attending grammar school in the fall.”
“That’s a good idea, Auntie.”
Frederica looked over Andrew’s head at Mantheria and said pointedly, “All of my ideas are good ones.”
Her son missed their exchange entirely and continued on merrily, “Did you know that Odysseus shot a bow and arrow to win his wife’s hand because he was disguised as a vagrant at the time, and she didn’t know who he truly was?
Queen Penelope set an impossible quest for her suitors—they were supposed to shoot an arrow through the loop of twelve axes.
And Odysseus did it. Sunny said that we should probably stick to targets today and work our way up to shooting through axe loops. ”
Trying to suppress a smile, Mantheria said, “It does seem sensible.”
“And did you know, Mama, that Odysseus had a son named Telemachus, who helped him slay all of the unwanted suitors that tried to force his mama to marry them, and they ate all of their food?”
“If they ate all of the food, especially the cake, they deserved to be slain,” Frederica added, her mouth serious, but her eyes were dancing.
Again, Andrew missed the nuances and readily agreed with her. “Yes. But Grandpa says it is not good manners to stab your guests after dinner. I wonder if it is all right to do before dinner? Should I ask him?”
“Definitely,” Frederica said with another wink at Andrew. “And perhaps your mama could ask Sunny to tell her the story of Queen Penelope’s suitors.”
“Yes, Mama. You should. It is very interesting.”
Raising her eyebrows, Frederica echoed, “Very interesting.”
Although she was not a classical scholar, Mantheria was well aware of what her younger sister was referencing. “Then I shall.”
They entered the castle through a side door and walked together to the great hall, where there was a massive table with over one hundred chairs.
Andrew tugged on Mantheria’s arm, and they sat down at the closest pair.
Across the table, her eyes met Sunny’s. His crooked nose twitched, and then he grinned at her.
Mantheria’s entire body thrummed with awareness of him.
Swallowing down her fears, Mantheria smiled back.