Chapter 25 Mikhail
MIKHAIL
Iwoke alone, in my bed, and let out a deep exhale of regret. I left Claire in her room to sleep and have some distance. I could give her space when it was necessary, and I imagined that when she woke up and realized she’d caved to me again, she’d be annoyed.
It didn’t stop me from wanting to be near her, though, from wishing I could hold her and let her feel how deeply I would commit to her. Not only to fuck her, but to just be there with her. To embrace her and share companionship that didn’t come with any contingent expectations.
Reaching for my phone, I gave up the urge to sleep in. From the constant feed of texts that were already filing in from the men I put in charge, I knew that the moment I got up, I would be on the go.
Putting out fires. Calling off meetings or insisting on other ones.
Worse, I’d be gathering reports about all the other threats.
Hits kept coming from the Popovs and Giovannis.
Even the Cartel was trying to fuck with us.
Businesses were being disrupted. Our bars and clubs had employees harassed overnight.
A gunfight caused a commotion at one of our drug shipment locations.
And a couple of our whores had gone missing from our whorehouse when the enemies thought they could disobey our rules.
Some days, it was never-ending. But it wasn’t often that I was tired of it all before I even left my room.
As I strode down the hall to check on my daughter, I warned myself from looking forward to seeing Claire.
She was just such a bright spot in my life, a ray of sunshine and goodness and hope, that it was hard not to anticipate the peace and joy that she represented.
She wasn’t bubbly and peppy. She wasn’t overly enthusiastic with her smiles.
It was the goodness in her heart, though, that I wanted to let mine thaw out with.
Anya was sleeping, and the maid who was seated in her chair smiled at me. “She’s been resting peacefully all night.”
“Good.” I backed out of the room, ready to check on Claire next.
Imagining her sharing a bed with me, just being in my room, felt like too much to dream for yet, but I was pleased with knowing she would be in my building.
But she wasn’t. I found her bedroom empty, her bed untouched. On the desk in her guest room, though, was a note.
I snatched it and frowned as I read it. Then again as I read it over slower.
Anger rose swiftly at her goodbye note addressed to me. Disappointment quickly washed over once I breathed through the initial fury. The audacity of that woman. The gall she had. To not only tell me over and over again that she should leave, that she wanted to leave, but also to actually take off.
Twice in less than twenty-four hours, she had escaped my home.
Twice in one fucking night, she had dared to defy me and disregard the protection I offered her to strike out on her own.
Asset?
I narrowed my eyes, furious with that insult. I wasn’t trying to mold her into an asset. I wasn’t trying to make her do anything she didn’t want to do. She desired me, just as I did her. She was a doctor, helping Anya here.
I hadn’t once forced her into anything, not like the assholes at that police station had. They’d coerced her into treating those wounded men, my enemies.
Not me. I hadn’t punished her with anything.
I let the note fall and turned to exit the room.
No one told me what to do. But she hadn’t. In her likely carefully chosen words, she wrote a plea to me. To let her go. To not follow her. To give up on my efforts to keep her safe.
I left the guest room and went straight to my office.
Directing Andre, Sergei, and Roman kept me preoccupied for a while.
But once I was far along in my plans of doing business as usual, ordering the Orlov forces to kill any Giovanni who dared to harass anyone under our protection, and commanding all spies to capture and torture any Popov who bothered anyone at our businesses, I felt the guilt that had never risen to the surface before.
I was doing exactly what she didn’t want.
She’d begged me to change. To walk away from a life of crime. And I couldn’t. I wasn’t. I had no plans to carry on as this leader in any different way. Doubling down on revenge as news of the hits kept coming, I disregarded the memory of Claire asking me to quit this tendency for violence.
No, she hadn’t asked. She’d put an ultimatum on me, expecting me to change who I was for her.
She simply didn’t understand that I couldn’t.
At lunch, Andre cleared his throat and glanced at me.
I could read it in his expression that he wanted to bring up something I didn’t want to hear, so I beat him to it.
“It’s been a long morning, but I think we’re on the right path to giving all those motherfuckers a lesson.
I’m sick of their trying to take our turf and disrupt our drug flow. ”
Sergei and Roman nodded from the other side of the table. We didn’t often eat together, but they were all here at the same time, handling what seemed like a tidal rush of problems.
“No worries,” Roman said, always the most carefree. “The men are rallying behind all the orders. Like usual.”
Like usual.
Blood was spilled, like usual. We reminded the world that we weren’t enemies they wanted, like usual. Like this, with power and force and no mention of mercy, we would remain one step ahead of them all, like usual. What was unusual was how I still couldn’t stop thinking about Claire.
If she was okay.
If anyone was going after her.
If she had flown across the ocean yet.
If she misses me at all.
“I noticed that Claire isn’t in her room,” Andre said.
I didn’t lift my head, focusing on eating. “She left.”
“You let her go?” Sergei asked.
“She wasn’t here under lock and key,” I growled.
He’d hit the tenderest part of it all. I had let her go because I cared. Because I loved her too much to imprison her in a life she didn’t want.
“I went to check on her after I stopped in to talk to Anya,” Andre said.
I glanced up now, surprised.
“I wanted to let her know that I could get her anything she needed. I gave her my number,” Andre said without any of his typical sarcasm. “She said she wanted Claire.”
Goddammit.
Claire’s absence would be noticed by Anya. I knew that and dreaded it.
“So, imagine my surprise when I went to find her.” He lowered his gaze for a moment. “I saw her note.”
“Then you know that we will not be ordering any security detail to follow her.” My voice was tight. Drinking water didn’t help, but I put more effort into masking my pain. “She wants to leave and have no involvement with us, and I’ll honor her wishes.”
“What if she’s taken?” Roman asked.
Then I will be furious.
I will want to burn the world down for her, to get her back.
I will slaughter anyone who even thinks about harming a hair on her head.
Fisting my hand, I breathed through the red-hot rage that filled me with the idea of her suffering at all. But that was the problem. She didn’t welcome my brand of revenge and security.
“Then that’s her choice. Not mine. I made it clear that I would keep her safe. I can’t force her to want to be here.”
The coldness in my tone seemed to be enough to shut them up.
Sergei looked around the table, brows raised, then cleared his throat. He changed the subject, back to a planned attack I’d been considering on one of the Popovs’ warehouses.
Grateful for them not to be watching me any longer, I sank back into the private misery in my head.
Consumed with worry and anxiety about the sweet-hearted and altruistic doctor I had no business wanting, I battled with the frustration that she was off-limits to me simply because we had different backgrounds, different views on what was right and just in the world, a contrast that would be the final wedge to drive us apart for good.