Chapter 39 Mikhail
MIKHAIL
Killing Dr. Jack Harroun should’ve made me feel better. The victory of ending the life of someone who’d endangered Claire was something that should have tided me over from this strange restlessness that took over me.
After Claire walked out of the holding room where Andre had brought the corrupt liar of a doctor, I shot the stupid asshole myself. I had no patience for suffering fools. I’d lost too much time in hearing the vile bullshit spewing out of his mouth as it was.
Once the deed was done, though, I wasn’t feeling any better. I wasn’t victorious like usual.
With Claire heading back upstairs, I doubted and second-guessed myself.
Will she ever really accept me?
Andre gestured for a couple of men to drag Jack’s body away. He and Sergei had led the team that finally caught Claire’s former coworker. The man had been hiding among the Popovs, but he couldn’t evade us any longer.
My son stepped around the blood and tilted his head at me.
“Why’d you bring her down here?” he asked. When he’d informed me that Jack was captured, I told him to wait for me to come to the room to handle him myself.
I shrugged, turning to leave the room. I wasn’t giving him my back, and he knew it. He fell into step with me, his work done in here for now.
“I thought it would show her another side of me,” I admitted.
“And which side was that?” he asked, walking down the hallway until we reached the elevator. “The side of you that won’t allow anyone to get away with messing with us?”
“The executioner,” I answered.
He huffed a wry laugh, perhaps amused that I was getting so philosophical about what we did day in and out now. “Growing a conscience now?” he teased.
I frowned at him.
“Come on. What can you be worried about? She’s seen you kill others before.”
She had. I was very aware of each time Claire had witnessed me killing someone.
That man who’d almost shot her in the parking garage before I first brought her here.
Then the men who’d captured her. Now Jack.
Her view of me in terms of life or death would always be the biggest pinpoint of contrast. She saved lives while I took them.
“But his death would’ve been different.”
“How? Because it wasn’t a kill made in direct self-defense?”
I nodded. That was exactly it. “I will always worry about whether she can truly accept the darkest parts of who I am. I will never hesitate to take someone’s life to keep her safe.
But how far will she be openminded? How will she tell herself that it’s not evil or bad to act as the judge and executioner? ”
We rode up, and he smiled slightly at me. “I don’t know. But I bet you can ask her and guide her through it.”
He had a good point, but still, as I went upstairs and debated going to find Claire to check on her, I wondered if even my guidance wouldn’t help her.
It would be ironic for me to give her tips on how to get through the moral headache of accepting how I’d kill our enemies.
Instead of looking for her and overwhelming her further, I went to the lounge on the main floor and sat near the windows to peer at the cloudy, storm-brewing sky.
Will you always have a part of you that will see me as a monster?
It was too similar of a fate to what Olga had believed.
No, that’s not true. Olga was just too influenced by her parents.
That situation applied to Claire, too. She was raised by strict, law-abiding parents.
But Claire isn’t Olga. She is her own person. She’s not some young, stupid bride forced into anything. I gave her the chance to walk away properly and stay away safely.
I sipped a drink and stayed put, musing about how Claire was young too. She was impressionable, but it wasn’t the same as what I’d faced with Olga. When my father died and put his stamp of approval—and expectation—on my marrying Olga, I was only eighteen. So was she.
In hindsight, neither of us were ready to marry or to start a family. That wasn’t the case now. I was older, wiser, and fully secure and confident in my role, the role of the boss that I had just been given when my father and brother died. Now, I was smarter and more capable.
Claire, too, wasn’t a young wallflower who was sheltered and spoiled like Olga had been.
Through her years of studying and working, Claire had experienced and witnessed the harsher side of life.
She went through the deaths of patients she couldn’t save and she endured the trials of a demanding and difficult job where the stakes were high.
Just… be patient. Have faith.
Killing Jack was the last obstacle in the way for me to fully feel like I could move forward with Claire. It was done, but I was hesitant, even a little nervous, about how she would react now.
After all, with him dead, she could change her mind and want to leave again.
The only thing that bound her to me and had her staying was this love she claimed to have for me. But could she really love me no matter what?
“Is he dead?”
I turned around quickly, so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed someone approaching.
People were always moving around in the building.
Guards and household staff were on the move, doing their jobs.
But I had been so preoccupied about my thoughts of Claire that I hadn’t been paying attention to anyone seeking me out.
And least of all, her.
Anya stood behind me, her hands in her pockets and her face tense.
I could count on one hand how many times she’d wanted to speak to me. So far, most of those occasions included her yelling at me and judging me.
“Is that doctor dead?” she asked.
I nodded, getting over the surprise that she would want to ask me that.
Or talk to me at all. I hoped that with time, she’d open up more and more to me.
Perhaps it would just have to be a gradual progress.
Since she chose to stay here and not live elsewhere, it implied that she wanted to change too.
“Good.” She furrowed her brow and lowered her gaze to the floor. “I don’t like to think that way, that it is good that he’s dead. But I’m glad he can’t be a threat to Claire anymore.”
I nodded and cleared my throat. “I will always keep my family safe.”
Even you.
She nodded and made eye contact again, timidly. “Thank you.”
“No thanks are necessary.
“I mean thank you for keeping her safe,” she explained. “I really like being able to spend time with her.”
I smirked. “Me too.”
“And… while I’m at it and not out of courage yet, thank you for saving me, too.”
“Have I saved you?” I asked. Playing mind games wasn’t my goal, but I wondered if she was still under the impression that she was worse off living with me than not.
“I meant that in regard to when I was captured.” She cleared her throat. “And, I guess, otherwise, too. I…” She let out a deep breath. “It’s been hard to understand how I was told so many things about you and expected the worst here when that’s not the reality I’ve come to see and experience.”
“Your mother’s family was very jaded,” I admitted.
“I never pushed to bring you here because for so long, I thought you were better off without me while I learned to be the leader I am.” And I wouldn’t shy away from the pride I truly did hold with that.
“But now, I see that you weren’t any better off with them. ”
She shook her head. “I think I’m still trying to understand where I belong and how I could be happiest.”
“I’m trying to understand it all as well, Anya. No family is ever perfect.”
She backed up a step, giving me a small smile. “I know. I’m just… glad we have the chance to try.”
Without another word, she retreated and left the room.
In the wake of what felt like a godsend of a breakthrough, I smiled. She had really taken a leap of faith to come speak to me. What she said mattered, and I took it to heart. With her gratitude and honesty, I felt more prepared to get out of my head and check on Claire.
I found her upstairs in my room. No. In our room.
It seemed like she’d just gotten done with a workout and was finishing with a shower, but as I walked past her workout gear on the floor, I wondered if she’d chosen a second workout today because she needed to vent after seeing Jack. After knowing I’d killed for her again.
“Oh!” She stopped short as she exited the walk-in closet. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Sorry to startle you.”
She shook her head and came to hug me, at ease and smiling. As if seeing me brought her joy, not guilt or dread.
I could only hope it would always be like this.
Gathering her in my arms, I picked her up and hugged her tighter. I pressed my face against her face, drawing in a deep breath of her scent.
“I wasn’t sure whether you were busy with something or avoiding me,” she said once I carried her to a chair and sat with her in my lap.
“I was thinking,” I admitted, unsure how to start the conversation that I wanted to have with her.
“Me too.” She furrowed her brow and sighed. “I hate that he said that.”
“What?” I didn’t want to guess incorrectly.
“When Jack kept saying that I was ruining my life by standing with you.” She licked her lips and stared at me with so much openness and love that I felt like a fool to doubt her. As she lifted her hands to frame my face, the touch of her soft fingers on me soothed my restless soul.
“My life isn’t ruined because of you,” she said confidently.
“It isn’t?” I brushed her hair back, marveling in the miracle that she could be mine. That she could be this steadfast in choosing me.
“No.” She shook her head before she leaned in to kiss me tenderly. “You saved me, Mikhail.”
“So you want to stick around out of gratitude?” I asked, slightly teasing.
“No. I am sticking around because I love you.” She kissed me again, but this time, as I felt the smile of her lips against mine, she swung her leg over so she could straddle me. “And I look forward to proving that to you every single day.”
Turned on from her kiss alone, I watched the sparkle of excitement and lust in her eyes as I pushed her robe off her shoulders, revealing all her bare, succulent skin that I couldn’t wait to taste.
“I’ll never be able to escape all my sins,” I told her.
“You don’t need to,” she promised. “Because this”—she pressed her hand over where my heart beat as she lifted my hand to rest over hers— “this love redeems us.”
I slid my fingers up from where her pulse thumped faster. Snaking my grip around to the back of her neck, I urged her to lean down and kiss me again.
She was my salvation. Having her—and my daughter—in my life went a long way to making me feel whole, complete like I never had been before.
“I love you, Mikhail,” she promised as she began to unbutton my shirt, kissing along my jawline. “And I always will.”
Smiling, at peace despite the lust coursing through me with her touch, I held her close. “I love you, too,” I vowed with all my heart and soul.