Chapter Four
Lindsay found herself rushing through her morning chores after a restless night. She rarely slept soundly, sharing a one-room cottage with four men—some smaller than others. But last night she found she didn’t wake from their noises as much as her thoughts of a certain soldier she’d been spending her time with.
She knew he was the reason she wished to finish cleaning up after the meal so she could steal away to his cottage and a bit of peace. In fact, she no longer counted down the hours waiting for word from her father telling her she could leave this place. She was glad to have some time before she’d have to leave.
Time with him. And would it be so bad if she kissed him, if she was to leave and not have to see him again?
Her thoughts of kissing were disrupted by her uncle’s angry laugh.
“If you think to run off for most of the day, think again. I’ll not have to wait on my supper tonight. You’ll stay here.”
“If you force me to stay in this house all day, you’ll find me gone before your supper to never come back again.”
“Your father should have tamed that mouth of yours.”
“Real men do not need their women tamed,” she said, though low enough he couldn’t hear her.
Her father had attempted to make her more docile. Or rather encouraged her mother to do it. Since Lindsay was not the son he’d wanted, he rarely had time for her. She wondered why she cared so much about disappointing him further by calling off another betrothal. “I’ve packed you a few bannocks and a bit of cheese for your nooning.” She handed him a small bundle of cloth.
With a grumble of what she decided to think of as thanks, he and the boys left the cottage to head to the field where they’d spend the day gathering peat for a few coins. Hopefully, this time he wouldn’t spend all of their earnings on whisky.
When the cottage was as good as it would get, she eagerly left for Shane’s home on the edge of the woods. She had to focus on not hurrying her steps. It wouldn’t do to break into a run just to get there faster. As she stepped onto the shaded path that would lead her to Shane’s cottage, she was greeted by a scraggly, gray dog with a happy face.
“Well, hello there. Who might you be?”
“I named her Treun,” Shane’s voice called from the shadow of the trees, causing her to jump. “Sorry to startle you.”
She offered a smile and crouched down to pet the little dog, who shied away but allowed a few pets as her tail wagged her appreciation.
“Hmph.” Shane’s grumpy sound frightened the dog. She ran a few yards away, where she felt safe. “She hasn’t let me pet her.”
“Are you certain Treun was the right name for her?” She didn’t think of the word “brave” when she took in the skittish pup in front of her.
“Aye. She may be little, but she does what must be done even if it scares her. We should all hope to be as courageous.” As was normal, she saw shadows of secrets and pain in his eyes.
“I thought bravery was not being frightened of things.”
He shook his head. “Nay. Ye cannot be brave without fear. It doesn’t take much courage to face something you’re not afraid of.”
She nodded. “I never thought of it like that.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Well, spiders.”
“Of course. Only the daft don’t fear the wee monsters.” He added a shiver for effect, and she laughed. “Certain times of the year, I used to make Ronan check my bedding so as not to have one of the filthy buggers crawling on me while I slept.”
She considered his question again. What was she afraid of? Her biggest fear at the moment was being forced into marriage to the new laird. She wouldn’t know the man to see him, but she’d seen the old laird and the laird’s youngest son, a large man with a fierce scowl who looked as if he’d sooner eat a person than speak to them.
But she couldn’t tell Shane that fear, for then he’d learn the rest of her story. He’d know she wasn’t a maid sent to help a family member but a laird’s daughter promised in marriage to be lady of the castle. She no longer feared Shane would use the information for his gain. She didn’t think he would tie her up and ransom her off for money. Yet she still didn’t tell him the truth. This was better. They were friends, equals.
She smiled and answered with her second biggest fear. “Eels.”
“Eels? You do not like to eat them?”
“Eating them is fine. I don’t like to look at them. They are horrible creatures.”
He chuckled, though not in a way that made her embarrassed for sharing with him.
“What about you? What else are you afraid of? Surely, something more than spiders.”
He seemed almost surprised by her question, but he should’ve assumed she’d have asked the same of him. He twisted his mouth as he thought, and she wondered if he was settling on something else as she had. Eventually, he answered. “Fire.”
She didn’t need to ask him to explain. He went on without her prompting him.
“When I was a wee lad, a fire started in my room. A spark from the fire on the rug, probably. I woke when the room was full of smoke and the fire cut off my way to the door. I screamed, and my da came in with a bucket to douse it. I was afraid to sleep alone after that. And I still dream of it, being trapped.”
She looked up at the blue sky and shook her head. “I thought you would’ve said something about fighting in the war. Angry soldiers bearing down on you.”
He shrugged. “I’m haunted by many things that happened over the last five years, but when I’m struggling with something, when I feel I have no control over a situation I’m facing, I always dream of that night with the fire.”
Before she’d realized what she was doing, she’d reached out and placed her hand on his arm in an effort to soothe the sadness she saw in his warm, green eyes. She wondered what situations he faced that made him feel out of control. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be as serious as the uncertainty she faced.
The uncertainty of being married to someone she didn’t know.
…
Shane felt he’d missed a great opportunity as he and Lindsay walked in silence to the large rock she called her own. During their discussion of fears, he should have told her who he was, for no other reason than he could have confided in her about his concerns of taking over the clan. His worries over how he might make MacPherson an honorable name again. His concerns about taking a wife when he was nothing but an empty shell of a man. Perhaps she would have offered her thoughts and comforting words of encouragement. But he’d let the moment pass because of an even greater fear—that she would pull away from him.
She made it no secret she didn’t care for his clan or the way the laird had taken care of his people. To admit to being the new laird would change her view of him for the worse, and he couldn’t bear seeing her disgust. He was enjoying their newfound friendship far too much. It was a balm to his wounded soul.
Worse than disgust would be the pity he imagined to see when he explained how he’d lost his wife, followed surely by more distaste when she learned he was at fault. Instead, he kept his secrets and changed the subject to favorite animals. This time when they came to her rock, he took a seat next to her, enjoying the warmth of the stone where the sun had touched it. To his surprise, Tre jumped up beside Lindsay, and with her friend at her back, she allowed Shane to scratch her behind the ears.
“I feel betrayed. I shared my meals with ye, and yet you give your allegiance to a stranger over me.”
“Ah, but you have won her trust. I will be nothing but a memory now that she has your attentions.”
“You sound jealous,” he said, finding it easy to flirt with a pretty lass even though he hadn’t used the skill recently. He’d always enjoyed women, but when he’d married Maria, he never had a worry he’d miss spending time in the beds of strangers ever again. It was the easiest thing to be loyal to her. He’d needed no other.
Now he was alone, his marriage vows severed with her death, yet the loyalty remained.
He was treated to a soft blush on Lindsay’s cheeks as she glanced away.
“Perhaps,” she admitted, and he felt he had made large strides with both of these females today.
He offered the smile that had won him the attentions of women in the past. And while she didn’t swoon or go aflutter at the sight of it, he saw a response in her dark eyes as she caught her bottom lip between her teeth.
Realizing he had leaned closer to her, he bolted off the rock, making Tre yip in surprise.
What was he doing? He couldn’t woo this woman to his bed or even so much as kiss her. He had nothing to offer her. He couldn’t marry her. But she’d stirred something inside him. A tiny spark of life ignited in the pit of his stomach and began to thaw the ice in his chest.
He hadn’t wanted this. Couldn’t do this. Which was why he turned and walked away to a safe distance, before he did something he couldn’t take back. Something he realized now he very much wanted to do.
…
At first, Lindsay was upset by the way Shane had practically run away from her. But as she lay in her makeshift bed—a pile of shabby blankets on the floor in the corner of her uncle’s cottage—she realized Shane had saved them both from making a big mistake.
She’d wanted to kiss him. And while she’d not been kissed before, she felt certain he was of the same mind when he’d moved just slightly closer with his gaze upon her lips. If that wasn’t the way a kiss started, she didn’t know how else it might happen. Her heart had nearly beat out of her chest as she’d waited for him to make what seemed to be an eternal voyage to her mouth. But he had put a stop to things before they’d proceeded too far, and she was both grateful for and annoyed by that fact.
Since she was a young girl, she’d envisioned marrying someone she loved. Her parents loved one another. She’d seen the way her father’s gruff demeaner softened when her mother came near. Lindsay had hoped to do the same for her husband—a faceless warrior, until recently. But Shane had backed away from her, not unlike the little dog. But unlike Tre, he’d not been brave enough to trust her since.
Now, three nights later, as the night wore on and sleep evaded her, she felt frustrated by his rejection. She found she still wanted him to kiss her. Perhaps more each day. She was past the age to wed, which meant she was old enough for such experiences. And for her remaining time here with the MacPherson clan, she was free to do things she wouldn’t do at Riccarton, where she’d been only the laird’s daughter. But there in the darkness, she was forced to face the truth that maybe he had saved her from a great amount of pain by staying away for the last few days.
A kiss for the sake of a kiss would have been one thing, and she didn’t think anything ill would come of it. But a kiss born of the emotions she was beginning to feel for Shane was a different matter. She might not be able to just leave with a memory of him. She could possibly want more. And as she was destined to leave and he was destined to stay, it wouldn’t work between them. It could only ever be temporary.
Nay. This was better, to stay apart from Shane, as it meant no risk of something happening that would lead down a treacherous path. To make sure she didn’t drift into dangerous territory, she planned to stay clear of the man. At least until she was certain she could keep him at a proper distance.
A friend and nothing more.
With that settled, she must have dozed off for a time, because she was woken by the sound of her uncle stumbling into the shack. He hadn’t been home for supper, and Doran had mentioned his da had been paid for their work in the peat fields. She’d been with them long enough to know what that meant.
She winced at the sound of a loud smack followed by a wailing cry. Jumping to her feet, she found Wee Robbie on the ground, curled into a ball as his father stood over him yelling. She looked around for the other two boys, but they were nowhere to be found. Hiding, no doubt, the little cowards. Didn’t they realize the three of them would’ve been able to overpower their drunken father and save their wee brother? Apparently, saving the child fell on her. She would step up to defend him. She wouldn’t look away while a child was beaten.
“Uncle, please. Whatever ye think Robbie has done, I’m sure we can take care of it in the morning. You are tired and should lie down. Things will be better tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? How will they be better tomorrow? I still have no wife to warm my bed. No mother to my children.” He waved toward the boy crying on the floor and thrust his hand out when he started to tip over.
“I’ll help ye,” she offered, rushing forward to bear his weight and steer him away from Robbie. She led the man to his bed, turning her head away when she needed to draw in a breath, for his stench made her ill. She continued on by grasping hold of one single fact: it wouldn’t be long now.
In fact, the Wallace retainers should have arrived by now. She’d counted out the days for the letter to get there. For the men to pack and ride to the MacPherson village. She’d sent off a second missive to ensure at least one of them made it to her father. Why hadn’t he sent for her?
At her uncle’s bed, she slipped out from under his arm, hoping he’d fall onto the sagging straw mattress, or close enough to it, and be out until the late morning. But, instead, he swayed toward her, his eyes a bit more focused than she’d expected.
“Ye are a bonny lass.”
She said nothing. She may have stopped breathing, as still as she stood. He wasn’t falling over; he was looking her over and was missing nothing from as slow as he was doing it. This was not good. She’d seen the way his gaze lingered on her breasts as she worked. It made her uncomfortable, but he’d never touched her. She’d made it clear she wouldn’t stand for such a thing. But now he was stepping closer.
“I need ye. I’ve gone too long without a woman’s touch.”
She shook her head. “No. You’re in your cups and not thinking straight. I’m here to help with the boys, nothing more.”
“You could be more. We’re not blood. I can take ye as my wife. Let me give you a try to see if you’ll do.”
She turned to flee the room, but he grabbed her hair with more strength than she thought he could manage in his state. He twisted it in his fist, and Lindsay cried out as her head—and her body with it—was pulled to the bed.
When she screamed, he smacked her across the face. As her mouth filled with the coppery taste of blood, she pushed him to the side enough that she could roll off the bed to the floor, hitting her head on something on her way down. Her skull throbbed, and light flared at the edges of her vision. But two swift kicks had her gasping for breath and pulled her from the tempting darkness.
Despite the spinning, when he reached down to pull her up again, she grabbed a piece of wood from the pile next to the small hearth and swung it with all her might.
Her uncle fell heavily to the floor, and Lindsay didn’t spare a second to see if she’d killed him. She ran from the house. She’d warned him she would only stay so long as he didn’t touch her. But now he had, and she had no other choice. She had to leave before something terrible happened.
Where could she go? She knew no one here. No one except for the man she’d just moments ago pledged to stay clear of to avoid getting too close. Regardless of what her heart thought of the matter, her feet took her in the direction of Shane’s cottage. Despite the struggle to see where she was going, she kept running until she stumbled and fell.
And there she stayed.