21. Chapter Twenty-One
Jax
T he following month passes in a dream-like blur. Maddie and I spend our days working, and she begins spending more time in the garage. During the weekends, we ride around in my truck and pick through old, worn-out furniture that most other people would ignore. I help Maddie carry them home, usually sitting back and admiring her from a distance as she repairs dressers, nightstands, coffee tables, and an assortment of other things. She often paints them, creating different designs and patterns.
By the time she’s done with each piece, they are unrecognizable from their original condition.
I’m impressed when she turns a worn-out dresser into a changing table for a nursery and then sells it to a coworker whose daughter is expecting her first child. We find another dresser, an ugly, brown monstrosity, and bring it back to the garage where she turns it into a kitchen island. I help her pull the drawers out to create open shelving, while she paints it a light blue before sanding the top down and giving it a facelift. An overly ecstatic Hazel buys that particular piece, while a rusty filing cabinet we find at the dump is painted yellow with floral designs over each drawer and sold to the Cedarwood Valley Library. Pretty soon, word gets around and local townsfolk are calling Maddie for specific requests.
I’m so proud and happy for her that I’m bursting at the seams with it.
We often eat dinner together in the evenings, laughing while we talk about our days. Then at night—well, I usually spend that time between her thighs. I make it my personal mission to wring as many screams from her as I can. I crave the sound of her breathy whimpers, her sweet cries, and the slight pain that comes from her nails raking down my back. When I finally slide home, she grips me so tightly, some nights I think I’ll black out from the pleasure.
I’m lying in bed after one such evening, her naked chest pressed to mine. Even after we’ve both come, I often find it hard to stop touching her. My thumb glides down her wrist, running over the bumpy ridge of the scar there. My stomach churns at the sight of it, from knowing the kind of pain she endured. Cradling her wrist gently, I pull it to my lips and give it a soft kiss.
My mind wanders.
The clock feels like it’s always ticking, ticking, ticking , already counting down to the day when I’ll have to let her go. But do I? Do I really have to let her go? Surely, Luke would get over it eventually. It might be weird to see his big brother dating his ex, but he would get used to it. And townsfolk would gossip for a while, until the next big scandal made them forget.
“It’s from the car accident.”
I peer down at Maddie, watching her swallow as she looks away. I realize I’m still caressing her scar. I tend to do that a lot.
“I know.”
“How?” She looks back at me, furrowing her eyebrows. Her searching eyes make me nervous.
“I mean, I assumed it was,” I immediately correct myself and clear my throat. “Do you…do you want to talk about it?”
Her gaze slips back down to her wrist with a thoughtful expression. I hold my breath, waiting to see if she’ll share this piece of herself. She inhales a deep, fortifying breath. “It was fractured. I lost consciousness when the car rolled, and when I came to, my bone was sticking out.”
“I’m sorry. That sounds awful.”
“I had to have surgery on it. The surgeons put it back into place with some pins and screws.” She grows quiet, the silence stretching on until I begin to wonder if I should change the subject. “I don’t remember a lot from that day,” she admits, her voice lowering to a whisper. “Mostly, I remember coming in and out, barely able to stay awake. There was blood everywhere, and everything hurt. Then someone pulled me out.”
My heart lurches in my chest, and I wait silently while the damn organ threatens to claw its way up my throat. My entire body feels like it’s on pins and needles.
“I don’t even know his name, but whoever he was, he was really kind. He saved my life and made me feel like everything was going to be okay…like I was safe even though my parents were dead and everything hurt.” Her voice wobbles, and a heavy pressure tickles the corners of my own eyes.
“I never got to thank him for making me feel safe on the worst day of my life, and sometimes I still remember the way he held my hand on the way to the hospital. I couldn’t open my eyes and focus, but I could vaguely hear his voice. He got me through it, and I never even got his name.” A tear slips from her cheek, dripping onto my chest. “He’s just out there somewhere walking around and having no clue what a difference he made that day.”
My heart feels like it’s breaking into a million pieces and simultaneously being glued back together.
This woman.
“Would you want to know? If you had the chance to find out?” The weight of unspoken words sits at the tip of my tongue, ready to be blurted out. But she shakes her head, squeezing her eyes shut. My heart sinks a little.
“I don’t know. I’ve thought about asking around so I can thank him in person. But sometimes I wonder if it’ll just dredge up bad memories. Does that make me a coward?”
Shaking my head, my arms squeeze around her. I push down the things I want to say, but give her a little bit of truth. “You’re the strongest woman I know.”
Every day, I expose more of my feelings for her, putting my heart on a silver platter and offering it up. But I can’t bring myself to care—not when I’m so irrevocably in love with this woman that I no longer know where I end and where she begins. She’s buried herself so deep into my heart I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let her go.
“I still miss them.”
“I miss my dad a lot, too,” I admit. “I wonder what our lives would be like if he were still around.”
“Will you tell me a little bit about him?” The soft pad of her thumb brushes caressing circles along my chest. I lean my head back, thinking.
“I’m not sure what Luke has shared with you, but my dad was captain at the fire station.” Her soft eyes meet mine, and I give her a wistful smile. “He was a good man, a natural protector.” I chuckle. “He wanted to take care of everyone. If he were alive today, I think he would be retired. Probably out on the deck grilling hamburgers and watching the game on TV.”
She smiles. “I think I would have liked him.”
“He would have loved the hell out of you.” I smirk, imagining his shock if he knew I was in bed with Luke’s ex-girlfriend.
“What about your mom?”
My amusement fades.
“Jax?” Maddie gives me a concerned look. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about her.”
“She was a hard woman to love,” I admit quietly. That familiar weight settles in my chest, the guilt of not missing her. Not caring as much as I should. What kind of son doesn’t miss his own mother?
I swallow. “I hate that Luke missed out on having his mother around, but I don’t have very many happy memories of her myself. I never told him that. I’ve always let him assume she was like any other loving mother.” I sigh. “Maybe that’s wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth. That she was a manipulative, cold woman.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Dad did his best to make up for it, but she was high on pills and drugs a lot. I vaguely remember getting off the school bus and finding her passed out on the couch a couple times and not having anything to eat until Dad got home from work. He tried to get her into rehab, but she wasn’t interested. Then when she was pregnant with Luke, there were complications and…” I trail off with a shrug. “I’m not sure what would have happened if she hadn’t died. Maybe she would have gotten clean. Maybe she would have been a better mother to me and Luke. But I guess I’ll never know.”
“If she couldn’t love you the way you deserved, then she missed out. And that’s on her.” Maddie’s voice is fierce, her lips set into a scowl. I clamp my own lips down, trying to conceal my smile. She’s the complete opposite of my mother in every way: warm, caring, protective, selfless. No wonder I fell in love with her.
I kiss her forehead. “It was a long time ago.”
Maddie blinks up at me, seeming to understand my silent request to move on. Her soft lips brush over mine, kissing me tenderly. Then she pulls away, laying her head back down on my chest. I bury my face into her hair, breathing in the scent of vanilla shampoo. My arms tighten around her waist, and she snuggles into my embrace. Her body relaxes until eventually the light snores coming from her chest tell me she’s fallen asleep. Her eyelids flutter as she dreams, a warm feeling expanding inside my chest as I drink in the peaceful expression on her face.
When my phone chimes with a text, I ignore it. But then I spot Luke’s name across the screen, my shoulders tensing when I see the time. It’s after midnight. Why would he be texting me at this hour? Slowly easing my arm over towards the nightstand so I don’t wake Maddie, I hold the phone up to my face. The bright light floods the room, making my eyes squint against the glare.
Luke: How’s Maddie?
Luke: Does she talk about me?
My stomach twists, my palms becoming sweaty. I type out a text only to erase it, type out another text, erase that one, and type something else out.
Are you drinking again?
Luke: I miss her man
Luke: I want her back
Luke: Do you think she would take me back?
My lips part as I stare at the screen, something cold spreading through my chest. My fingers begin shaking as dread crawls up my spine.
Why didn’t I see this coming?
Fuck.