4. Matías
CHAPTER FOUR
MATíAS
The silence stretches for what feels like forever, and I contemplate two things simultaneously. The first is launching myself out of his second story window, and the second is pretending to have fallen asleep in the five seconds since he asked me if I was asleep.
Neither one seems great.
How in the hell does he know I’m gay? Or know anything about James? Why would he ask about him at all?
“No,” I answer simply, hoping he’ll leave it alone.
“Oh,” he replies quickly. “He had mentioned?—”
I sigh. “James had a crush on me. It wasn’t reciprocated.”
“Oh,” he says again. “Is it because…” He doesn’t know how to finish the question, but he wants answers.
“What do you want to know, Adrian?”
He’s quiet for a little while. “I don’t want you to think I care either way. I don’t.”
“But you need to know if you have a gay guy sleeping in your bed?”
“No!” he says loudly. “No. Not that at all.”
“I think I’m gonna go,” I say, sitting up .
“Please don’t,” he says, the bed shifting with his movement. “I’m really not trying to judge you.”
“Not trying to,” I say.
He reaches for me, his hand clasping around my arm as I go to stand up. “I just—I need to…” He sighs. “God, please just tell me I’m not alone.”
My back stiffens and my eyes widen at the window. Did he just…
“What?” I question softly.
He falls back onto the bed with a heavy sigh and when I look over my shoulder, I see he has his hands over his face.
I take a breath. “Yes. I’m gay.”
His hands fall away from his face, revealing an expression that melts from worry to wonder. “You are?”
I nod. “Yes.”
He exhales, closing his eyes as his lips form the tiniest smile. “I’m not alone.”
“So, you’re…”
“Bi?”
“Is that a question?”
“Well, I’ve never actually done anything with a guy, so?—”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Nobody knows,” he says, sitting up quickly, his eyes wild with panic as he looks at me. “Nobody. I’ve never even…” He shakes his head. “Nobody can know. Please don’t say anything.”
“I won’t.”
“Okay.”
“Did you befriend me so you could know another queer person?” I ask, suddenly feeling sick. “So you could tell someone you’d think would understand and keep your secret? ”
He sits up. “No. I didn’t know until a week ago. I have James in another class, and I guess he saw you and me leaving project management together, so he started talking about you.”
I relax a little. “Hmm.”
“Will you lie back down? You can go to sleep. I promise I won’t bother you anymore.” He gives me a crooked smile.
“Fine. But going to sleep with this information is going to be hard.”
“Why?”
I shake my head. “Never mind. Good night. Or morning.”
He chuckles. “Night.”
My mind will not shut down. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been awake for like eighteen hours. I’m wired, trying to understand how the guy I’ve been crushing on is now telling me he’s also into guys, and I’m in his fucking bed. Okay, it’s not like we’re sleeping together. We’re still just friends. But come on.
“You’re moving an awful lot for someone who’s supposed to be asleep,” Adrian says, his voice scratchy.
“Well, you’re clearly awake.”
“You keep stealing the covers every time you move. It wakes me up.”
“Sorry.”
“Turn around.”
I roll over onto my other side and find him in the mirrored position.
“What do you want to know?”
“When did you know?” I ask, already having thought about twenty questions.
“Pretty early on. Middle school maybe.”
“You’ve never thought to tell anyone?”
“No,” he says, drawing out the word. “Remember me mentioning my dictator parents? Yeah, well, they would never be okay with that. I couldn’t risk them finding out. I overheard plenty of conversations that made it clear what they thought about gay people.”
“That’s sad.”
“We can’t choose our parents.”
“No, but you can choose your family. You can find people who will accept and love you regardless, and you make a point to keep them close.”
“Do you have a chosen family like that?”
“Not really,” I say after a few seconds. “But I have my parents. They’re good people. I’m just not good at putting myself out there and making friends. Too introverted, I suppose.”
“We’re friends.”
“Yeah, well, you kind of forced yourself on me.”
He laughs. “God, don’t say it like that.”
I snort. “I’m glad you told me.”
“Yeah?”
I nod. “And I promise I won’t tell anyone. It’s your secret and it’ll stay between you and me.”
“Thank you,” he says with a smile. After a few seconds he says, “Can I ask you another question?”
“Is it going to scare the living shit out of me again?”
“My question scared you?”
“Are you kidding? I’m in the bed of one of the most popular football players on campus, in a house with even more popular football players, and you ask me if I dated some guy? Of course I was scared.”
His fast softens. “I’m sorry. Not for asking, but for not realizing how and why it would be scary for you.”
“It’s fine. I haven’t dealt with much bullying on campus. That was in high school. And probably why I keep everything lowkey. Better to fly under the radar.”
“That’s kind of sad, too,” he says.
I shrug. “What was your other question?”
He bites down on his lip. “It’s kind of personal, so definitely tell me to shut the fuck up if you need to.”
I laugh. “Okay.”
“You’ve like…been with guys, right? Dated? Hooked up?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so how did you get to that point?”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you know if someone is…you know, into guys? Or like, into you? Especially if you’re not out.”
“Ah. Well, I just knew. And as cliché as it is, when someone’s into you, you’ll know.”
“Ugh.” He flops onto his back and puts his palms over his eyes.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
“We graduate this year.”
“Right,” I say, wondering where he’s going with this.
“They always say college is for experimenting and having fun, and I’ve been too afraid to do anything, and now I’m in my senior year, and it’s the last chance I have to even try. To have the experience before…before life gets in the way.”
“I see. Well, there are apps.”
He scrunches up his face. “Then anyone who sees me will know.”
The thought of offering myself up comes to mind. Of course it does. But I’m not about to assume he’s attracted to me. That’s the problem with the heteros. They think if you’re gay you’re automatically attracted to everyone of the same sex. Also, it doesn’t make me feel too good to offer myself up as an experiment. Something for him to try on and discard. If he wants me, that’s different.
I bite my lip to keep from saying what’s on the tip of my tongue. The thought makes my stomach coil, but he’s my friend. Only that.
“I can take you to a club. It’s not in town, and it caters to those of us in the alphabet mafia.”
He chokes on a laugh. “The what?”
“Alphabet mafia. LGBTQIA. The alphabet.”
Adrian laughs and laughs. “That’s a good one. I haven’t heard of that.”
I shake my head, smiling as I watch him. “Anyway. Yeah, you could go there and see if, you know, anyone catches your eye.”
He watches me for a while, his eyes assessing. “You’d do that for me?”
With a nod, I say, “I can be a good wingman.”
It takes a second for him to respond. “Hmm. Okay. Sure.”
“No pressure,” I tell him. “You don’t have to.”
“I know.” His eyes scan my face again. “Why not, though?” he says with a shrug.
“Right.”
“Wait. I thought you hated social scenes and parties. You go to clubs?”
“I’ve only been a couple times. It’s really not my scene. Loud music, loud people, crowded spaces, but yeah, I’ve been.”
“Okay, so, next weekend?”
“Sure.”
“Perfect. You’re the best.”
I smile and roll to my back where the smile slowly slips from my face.