52. Matías
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
MATíAS
Ten minutes later, there’s a knock on my door. When I open it up, I’m met with the concerned face of Adrian.
“What did he do? What happened?”
“Do you want to come in?”
He strides through, going into the living room where he stands, waiting for me.
“What’s going on?”
I sigh, take a sip of the drink in my hand, and then go sit on the couch. “Your father came to visit me this morning. In my office. He told me he knew what we were doing. He said he could go to my boss and get me fired for inappropriate conduct. He said I was taking advantage of you.”
“What the—” He runs his hands through his hair, staring at me in disbelief.
“He then said that if I cared about you, I’d leave you alone until you came to a decision about what you wanted your future to look like.”
“This has nothing to do with him!” he shouts. “And you’re taking advantage of me? How?”
“Adrian,” I tell him calmly. “Come sit. ”
I put my glass on the table and shift to face him as he drops to the cushion next to me.
“Please don’t tell me he’s scared you with his threats.”
“He’s right. It is inappropriate. I could get in trouble if anyone were to find out. We would have to disclose our relationship to HR, and even then, I don’t know how everyone would feel.”
“But he?—”
I cut him off by lifting my hand. “Besides that, I understand the other part of what he was saying.”
“You understand him?”
“Hold on,” I say in a gentle tone. “He definitely seems angry. I don’t think we ever expected he’d be happy about this, but based on what he said, it seems like you two had a discussion.”
“Well, yeah. Even today at lunch, he was saying these confusing things. I don’t know if he’s on my side or not. He knows, Matías. I never confessed to having an affair with you, but he knows. He’s also aware that I don’t want to stay with Charlotte. He tells me he won’t tell anyone. He says I need to be sure.”
I nod. “His concern is that you’re throwing everything away for me—the same guy from college. The only guy you’ve ever been with. He doesn’t think you have enough experience to know for sure.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
When I don’t say anything right away, he stares at me.
“It’s ridiculous, Matías. You know that, right?”
“I’ve had years of experience, Adrian. I’ve had terrible experiences, great experiences, and mediocre ones. I’ve met different types of men. I’ve learned a lot about myself through each one of them. There’s been many lessons throughout time, and you’ve not had any. ”
“Don’t,” he starts.
“I love that I’m your first. That I’ve been your only. Believe me when I say I want it to be that way forever. But?—”
He stands. “No. I’m not listening to this. Are you serious right now? Now you’re telling me that I need to go date and sleep around with more men? It’s the only way I’ll know I’m gay?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I know you’re gay. You know that, and you don’t have to have sex with anyone to know that. But…I don’t want to be presumptuous here.”
“What?”
“I want you, Adrian. I want more than what we have now. More than what we had then. Every time we’ve been together it’s been under a blanket of secrecy. Shrouded in lies and fear. I want to know what it’s like to be with you in a way I’ve only dreamed about. You do have a lot to figure out. If you decide to end your marriage, of course I want you to come to me. But I don’t want you to continue to feel like you’ve always felt—deprived. You’ll go from a marriage to a woman you never wanted to marry to a relationship with the only man you’ve ever been with. You don’t even know what’s out there.”
“I don’t give a shit about that,” he shouts. “You say I don’t have to have sex with a man to know I’m gay, but then you tell me I need to have multiple experiences to be sure that it’s you I want to be with? Is that what you’re saying, Matías? Honestly. That you could even give me the option to be with anyone else makes me wonder if we’re even on the same page, because I would never tell you to go be with someone else. I can’t even think about you being with someone else, and I’m pissed that you had so many experiences. I’m not grateful that you know yourself better because of them. I’m mad that they even had a tiny piece of you. That they know what you feel like. What you taste like. Because I want you to myself.”
My heart thumps against my ribcage. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean?—”
“I’m gonna go,” he says, walking toward the door. “I can’t believe he went to you with threats. I can’t believe you both think I don’t know what it is I want.” He turns to look at me. “I’ve had eight years to think about it, Matías. You don’t think I know myself? I craved you for eight years. I’ve missed you, longed for you, and thought about nothing else but how I hurt you. How it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. Even now.
“Leaving you the way I did still remains my biggest regret. Seeing how hurt you were is seared into my brain. Because you…you were everything to me. And when I lost you, I lost a part of myself.”
I open my mouth, but the words don’t come out. I have too much to say and no idea where to begin. I stare at him, absorbing what he said, and I only get his name out before he’s marching out the door.