Chapter 1 #2
“I’m an adult, Lukas, and you’re not my dad. You don’t really have a say.”
The darkness that crosses his face, making every single one of his features rigid, sends a shiver dancing across my shoulders. It’s the second time I’ve seen that look in his eyes. Though, I almost see it on repeat every night in my dreams. And in those dreams, I’m on my knees, begging him not to be mad at me, promising him I’ll be a good girl.
My pulse beats louder in my ears like the pounding of a forbidden drum, making it impossible to focus. I don’t even know whose turn it is to speak. I don’t know whether I should walk out or stand firm. Though, I’m wobbling under his intense stare, so walking out isn’t exactly an option.
“Look.” His eyes finally release me from their chokehold, allowing the oxygen to return to my brain. “I don’t want to fight, Torre. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just trying to look out for you. Those girls can be mean, and you’re too much of a sweetheart to get wrapped up in that scene. I don’t want to see my little sister caught up in stupid drama when college is supposed to be fun.”
I suppose he has a point. If I’m trying to put all the high school cliquey bullshit behind me (the one part I won’t miss), I should probably not join an organization that bases ninety-nine percent of their decision on looks. Though, I’d probably be a shoo-in for whichever sorority I want, given who it is I share a last name with. My stepbrother is a legend at the school. Every single person I met wanted to be my friend so they could meet him.
“I’ll consider your point,” I say, already deciding that I won’t be joining one. The idea of the girls kissing up to me to get a date with him has ripped the interest away. “Thank you for wanting to look out for me. Just know that part of spreading my wings is making my own choices and learning from my mistakes.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just protective is all. I don’t want to see my little sister getting hurt. It’s my job as your big brother to pass along my wisdom and keep you safe.”
Those words sink into me with disgusted guilt. If we’d met when I was in high school, that would be one thing, but our parents married when I was five and he was nine. We’ve been a family for as far back as my first memory. Which is why I’m such a vile person.
“You’re the best big brother, Lukas, but you can’t protect me from everything.”
I wish that word would trigger my brain back to normal, but it doesn’t. Nothing does. I’ve tried looking through family photos and remembering all the times he used to get annoyed with me. I’ve tried thinking back on all our family holidays, us fighting over Easter eggs and trying to stay up to catch Santa coming down the chimney, but none of it fixes my thoughts. None of it flips the feelings back to normal.
His lips tip up at the corners and the butterflies begin flapping their wings again. It’s impossible to stay annoyed with him when he gives me those dimples. It’s impossible not to feel all tingly inside when he looks at me.
“So, what’s on the agenda for this weekend?” He takes another stack of shirts out of his bag, and a little blue box with a pink ribbon falls out onto his bed. It looks like a jewelry box. And you only buy jewelry for girls you’re serious about. Which means he must have a new girlfriend. A thought that makes my heart start its rapid panic.
“What’s that?” I ask, trying not to pierce my words with jealousy.
“That’s not for you to see yet.” He tries to tuck it under his bag.
He said yet . Does that mean it’s for me?
“Is that my graduation present?”
“Maybe.” My little pitter-pattering heart starts beating even faster.
“Can I have it?”
“Not until you graduate.”
But technically, I’ve already graduated. It’s just a matter of formality now. I look down at the little box, wondering whether it’s a bracelet or earrings or a necklace. The suspense is already eating me alive. When his eyes return to the contents of his duffel bag, I reach out, making a sneak attempt to grab the box, but he gets to it first. “No, you don’t, Torre.” He holds it up above his head. “You have to wait.”
I study the height of it, gauging my odds if I were to jump, but I don’t even stand a chance. He’s already a foot taller than me, and with his arm up, that puts it way out of my five-foot-five reach.
“You know, technically, I’ve already graduated.” I change tactics, giving him my puppy dog eyes, which always used to work on him when I was a kid. “My grades have already been submitted, and the diploma has already been printed.”
“You’re going to have to wait until you have that diploma in hand.” He turns and walks into his closet, closing the door behind him so I can’t see his hiding place, but I now know it’s in there somewhere. He returns empty-handed and then continues to unpack his clothes, taking a stack of jeans over to his dresser.
“Fine. I’ll wait,” I huff, plopping down onto his bed. Until the next time he leaves the house, and then I’ll be on the hunt for it and sneak myself a peek . I’ve never been patient when it comes to presents, but more so, I’m dying to know what Lukas picked out for me. I already know it’s going to become a permanent fixture on my body. Something I’ll cherish in a way I shouldn’t.
He organizes his drawers, refolding some of his clothes, and I watch as his muscles flex under every movement. How the veins in his forearms bulge with his strength. How the wide span of his shoulders narrows into a V that leads to the most perfectly toned backside. Every single part of him is perfect. And sexy.
He turns and I drop my eyes back down to his bag, hoping he didn’t catch me checking him out. Years of living in the same house, under the same roof, and I never once looked at him as anything other than my older stepbrother. Honestly, he was just my brother until my thoughts ran vile. Then I had to mentally emphasize the fact that we don’t share the same blood, so I didn’t feel like such a disgusting person. Though, four little letters can’t rationalize the fact that we’ve been family ever since we met.
If Lukas saw my thoughts, he’d think I’m sick. If he knew I closed my eyes at night and imagined him doing to me what he did to Stacey, he’d never want to be in the same room with me. He’d never want to talk to me again. I try to stop it, but the memory keeps replaying in my mind. His skin glistened with sweat as his muscles strained with the bottled-up tension that was begging for a release. The way he pumped his hips with determined force, drilling into her body. His glutes flexing with every thrust. His eyes squeezed so tight as he gave himself over to the feeling. The wild grunts he made as he picked up his pace. The dirty words that came from his mouth as he gripped her hair and rode her with wild force. She clawed the sheets, begging for him to give her what she needed. And he did. He shattered her body, rocked her so hard, she convulsed. And then she went limp, moaning about how it was the most incredible orgasm she’d ever had. How she couldn’t get enough.
I swallow back the lump of jealousy, feeling the sweat breaking out across my skin and between my legs.
“So, how long are you staying?” I ask, my voice raspy. I clear my throat, wishing it would clear my thoughts too. My eyes shift to the remaining contents of his bag, unable to look him in the eye now. It seems like he brought more than a few days’ worth of clothes. And he packed four pairs of shoes—more than necessary for a long weekend.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I was thinking of staying a couple weeks. Or maybe until football training starts.”
“Really?” That’s nearly an entire month. I can’t remember the last time Lukas stayed for more than two days. Even when he came home for Christmas, he only stayed for one day, and then he had to get back for a game. Why is he suddenly interested in spending time with us?
My stomach starts knotting up, one knot after the other, tying tighter and tighter as I think of how many days I have to be in the same house with him, how many hours I’m going to have to see his handsome face and be reminded of my perversion. How many seconds I have to feel this unnerving tension strangling my nerves. The anxiety pricking my skin. The dreaded desire choking me until I give myself over to it. Smothering his name into my pillow as I flood my sheets.
“I figured since I don’t have to take any classes this summer that I could stick around for a bit. Hang out with my little sister. What do you say? We could go to Six Flags like we used to.”
That used to be our summer tradition. Every summer, he and I would go on the monster coaster. But then he got too wrapped up with football, college life, and girls, and he no longer had time for me. I honestly don’t think I can do it. As much as I’d love to, I don’t think I can spend the day with him alone. Just the two of us in the car. The two of us standing in the lines waiting to go on the rides, me being forced to talk to him, to look at him. To have his attention. At least in the house, our parents are around as a buffer, as a reminder.
“Maybe.” I nod. “I’m going to be kind of busy these next few weeks. There are a lot of graduation parties taking place.” And I’m going to spend as much time with my friends as I possibly can so I don’t have to be in the same house with him.
“So, you’re not going to make time for me while I’m in town?”
“I’ll try.” I rise from his bed, hitting the max of what I can handle for the moment. “I’m going to let you finish getting unpacked. It’s good to have you home.”
I walk out of his room, rushing quietly down to the safety of my bedroom before he can stop me again. I turn the lock on my door and let the air release from my lungs, pressing my forehead against the cool wood, desperate to stop the fever running through my veins, but it doesn’t break. It doesn’t ease up.
A month is going to be hell.