Chapter 23 #2
I don’t know if I make a weird sound, or if Tyler has just become so damn attuned to my mood shifts, but he looks at me, squeezing my knee.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say too quickly. “Long day.”
He isn’t convinced, watching me with concern that has me looking away. “Long as in…?”
“I…spoke to my mom today,” is the first thing that springs to my mind.
“Oh.” He hits pause on the remote and twists to look at me properly. “Wanna talk about it?”
Do I? I used it as an excuse, but that doesn’t mean the conversation left me unaffected.
I’ve never gone into details about my family, but I’m sure Tyler must've put two and two together. A gay kid growing up in a rural town, an only child, decided to run away to the big city…
“There’s not much to say.”
“I sincerely doubt that,” he says softly. “But I won’t pressure you.”
Of course he won’t. Because that’s not who he is.
“It’s okay, I don’t mind. It’s just very boring.”
“I don’t expect to be entertained. But I expect you to share something if it bothers or hurts you.”
Fuck. Can he stop being so damn sweet and caring for one damned minute?
“I don’t talk to my parents much,” I start. “There’s no bad blood between us, or anything like that. It’s just… I can’t be myself around them, even if it’s on the phone. It’s exhausting. I always have to make up an excuse not to go see them.”
Tyler has resumed stroking my leg, his intense gaze glued to my face. “Are they homophobic?”
I flinch. This was a hard pill to swallow, and it still hurts to think about.
“If you’d asked me a few years ago, I’d have said no.
They never hurt me, never shamed me for liking men.
Never tried to ‘rid me of sin’, or something equally brainwashed.
You know…any of the things you hear horror stories about.
” My stomach twists, so I focus on the warmth of Tyler’s hand, letting it seep into my every cell.
“It took me a while, and a number of conversations with other queer people, to realize that homophobia doesn’t need to be extreme.
All it needs is ignorance and unwillingness to accept another person as they are. ”
I know my parents love me, worry for me. The earlier conversation with Mom is proof of that. But that knowledge somehow makes everything much worse. How can you love someone but reject such a crucial aspect of what makes them the person they are?
Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier if they had disowned me, cut me out of their lives.
No confusing feelings, just pure rejection.
But then memories start to flood in. Like the taste of Mom’s chili she’d make every Saturday once the weather got too cold.
Or how Dad would unwrap a present from me, usually an aftershave or a pair of socks because that’s all I could afford in high school, and always respond: “Super, just what I needed. I was starting to run out!” I remember those things and know; I’ll take the confusion and the pain over losing my parents completely.
“So, yeah…” I continue since Tyler isn’t saying anything. “I do miss them, but I don’t really feel like going back home.”
My voice cracks at the end, so I take another bite of the pizza to cover it up. The lump in my throat makes it difficult to swallow, but I push past it, taking a sip of the soda next.
Tyler’s gaze hasn’t left me once. On one hand, it makes me nervous as hell, but on the other, I like knowing that he’s listening to my every word, that he’s interested in my backstory.
“Well, that’s okay.” His hand has found its way to my ankle, stroking bare skin. “Because this is your home now.”
They’re just words, simple, non-dramatic. But they threaten to completely undo me. Not only because I’ve always thought I’d never find a place to belong. But also because to my lovesick heart, it sounds like he’s saying that he is my home. Not this city. Not even this apartment.
Him.
That’s not what he means. I know that.
It doesn’t make it any less true.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “You’re right.”
If only it went both ways.
“Also, feel free to say no, since it’s not really my business, but…if you ever want to visit them, but don’t wanna do it alone, let me know, and I’ll come with you. Hell, we’ll make it a little road trip. Just say the word.”
I stare at him, stupefied. I can’t believe he’d offer to do something like that.
Does he not hear himself? Doesn’t he realize the implications?
Visiting parents is something you do with your partner—a serious one.
It’s not something you do when you are…whatever we are.
Friends, roommates, fuckbuddies. Not boyfriends.
Before I can even start to think about how to respond, Tyler’s phone chimes.
“You should get that,” I prompt him when he doesn’t make a move to check it.
“It’s fine. It’s just Blake being a drama queen.”
“Missing his spotter?” I’m not quite sure why Tyler started going to the gym in the evenings, but it’s not my business, so I never asked.
Tyler rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “More like whining about having no one to hold him accountable. I told him he should team up with Seth. He wasn’t amused.” Tyler does seem amused, though. He usually is whenever he brings Seth up.
Makes one of us.
“No love lost between them?”
“Not a smidgen.” He puts the drink on the coffee table and finally checks his phone, frowns, then lets out a boisterous laugh.
I feel it reverberate through my body, since my legs are still stretched across his.
“Apparently, there’s some new guy at the gym who just stares at people and, I quote, ‘is scary as fuck and looks like he could crush your skull with one hand’. Gee, what a baby.”
“Are you thinking of going in the mornings again?” He clearly misses Blake.
Tyler bites the inside of his cheek. “Thinking about it.”
“Why did you suddenly change to evenings, anyway?” I finally decide to ask.
Giving me a sideways glance, Tyler grimaces. “You’ll think it’s stupid. And cowardly.” A pause. “Well, it is stupid. And cowardly.”
“No, I won’t. And even if it is, I can hardly judge when it comes to stupid and cowardly decisions.” I wanna smack myself the second the words are out.
Tyler frowns. “What do you mean?”
“Ah, you know…my ex. Stuff like that.”
I’m not sure if he believes me, but at least he doesn’t push. “You’re not stupid. Your ex is just an asshole,” he says matter-of-factly. “As for me, well…”
He rubs the back of his neck, which seems slightly flushed. Oh God, he’s cute. He can’t be both sexy and cute, that’s not fair. He has to pick one, like everyone else!
“You know how I told you about Seth’s advice?”
Here we go again. “You mean, how he told you the two of us should go our separate ways?” The most annoying part is, I know where Seth was coming from.
It would’ve been the sensible decision. Still is, really.
But how can someone who’d never met me give such cut-throat ‘advice’ just because he’s gay too?
“Yeah,” Tyler says, a strange expression passing over this face for a split second. “The thing is, Seth is, like, super perceptive. And I was convinced that if he saw me after you and I started…” He makes a vague gesture.
“Started fucking?” Shit, that sounded pretty bitter, didn’t it? I don’t even have a reason to bitch about it—I agreed to this arrangement wholeheartedly. It’s not Tyler’s fault that I feel more for him than he does for me.
Tyler flinches, which is…weird. He never has issues talking about sex. I’m the one who gets all coy and embarrassed.
“Yeah, that.” He clears his throat. “Anyways, what I’m trying to say; if he saw me, he would just know. That we’re…having sex. And he’d rip me a new one.”
I blink, then laugh. “Are you scared of him?”
“No!” Tyler squeaks. “I mean, maybe a little? Look, I don’t normally mind being judged. People’s opinions are their own.”
“But?” I prompt.
“But I do mind if the judgment is justified.”