Chapter 25
TYLER
Jamie is still pouting when I join him in bed, my hair wet from the shower. Fair enough, I guess I deserve it.
I should get a freaking medal for the level of self-control I displayed when his hand snuck under my waistband.
One minute we were kissing like the world was ending, and the next Tyler Jr was getting a professional massage.
No complaints, but it felt a little sudden after the heavy talk we’d just had.
Especially because I hadn’t told him everything yet.
So, with much protestation from him, I made him finish the pizza (he managed to pout even while eating) and take a shower (alone) before pulling one of my shirts over his head and sending him off to (my) bed.
There was a lot of grumbling involved, but he listened, blushing while he fondled the shirt as if it was the first time he’d worn something of mine.
If I could, I’d have him wear my clothes all the time.
Maybe I’d be able to get away with a hoodie?
Or underwear? God, I wanna see him wear my boxers.
He’d look so fucking cute, I just know it.
Even while giving me the stink eye, his gaze roams over my bare chest with poorly concealed desire. I may or may not have omitted clothes on purpose.
Self-control, Tyler. Think with your upper brain.
Pouting or not, Jamie all but melts into me when I slip under the blanket and pull him close. I grin in victory. He’s so lovely and sweet, even when he’s upset with me.
Will he still be lovely and sweet after I tell him about the most shameful part of my past? Will he still look at me like he’s never seen anything more amazing? I hope so. But I won’t begrudge him if he doesn’t.
“Hey.” Jamie’s soft, cool hand cups my cheek. “What is it?” He’s not pouting anymore. There’s only concern in his expression.
“Hm?”
“You’re tense.”
I sigh, burying myself in his nape. Even wearing my shirt and lying in my bed, his scent remains the same—sweet and enticing.
“There’s one more thing you should know about. To get the whole picture.”
“The whole picture?”
“Tyler-picture. If we’re going to do this, I want you to know everything.”
I expect him to grow tense, wary. Instead, his hand moves to my hair, stroking through the wet strands.
“Okay.” A kiss lands on my temple. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
“You might see me in a different light after you hear it.”
“It hasn’t happened so far, I doubt it will happen now.”
I suppress a groan. What he’s indirectly saying is that he doesn’t think there’s anything that would make him stop liking me. I can’t let that go to my head. If I do, I might end up doing stupid shit.
I force myself to pull back so he can see my face as I tell him.
“When I was nineteen, I had a girlfriend I was in love with. It was also my longest relationship to date.” I hesitate. “Are you okay listening to this?”
“Yeah.” He gives me a comforting smile. “You’re being open and vulnerable with me. That matters more to me than your relationship from twenty years ago.”
“Hey! I’m 27!”
“Oh, sorry. I’m bad at telling age.”
I cackle. “You’re so full of shit.”
He hums and continues to stroke my hair. I’m not used to being on the receiving end of such affection, but I’m already craving more of it.
“Keep going.”
Right. I was telling him something important.
“Lindsey was…great. We met in Portland and spent the summer together before going to college. She was fiery, funny, smart, and she complimented me in, well, other areas as well.” I rush to continue before I lose my nerve.
“It was going great until we moved to the dorms. Now that we didn’t have our respective parents breathing down our necks, we took advantage of the freedom.
Often. Mind you, I was different back then.
Young and hormonal, frontal lobe not fully developed.
You know how it is. And I had just started having sex.
You can imagine the havoc on my hormones. ”
Jamie’s face twists in sympathy and he gives me a small nod in encouragement.
“Long story short, it was good until it wasn’t.
As time went by, Lindsey wanted to focus on exams and her part-time job, and I was, for the lack of a better description, a sex-pest. I wanted to do it constantly, in any way I could.
And I thought, because we were in a relationship, that was the deal, you know?
” A laugh of self-deprecation bursts out of me.
“She’d come over tired from classes or work, and I’d drag her to bed without so much as a hello.
She never said no, but I could tell she wasn’t as into it as she used to be.
But that didn’t stop me. And then, there was a time when...
That’s actually when I really fucked up, and she snapped. ”
Jamie waits patiently as I try to gather my bearings. I’ve talked about this in therapy, but the memory still twists my stomach. I can’t handle looking at Jamie for this part, so I aim my gaze at his collarbones instead. There’s a small red spot where I had my lips on him before.
“Look, it’s not an excuse, but I admit I didn’t have a proper grasp on what consent meant back then.
So, uh, one time, I woke up in the middle of the night, horny as hell.
I tried to shake her awake, but she wouldn’t wake up.
And my dumb ass thought, well, that’s okay, I can do all the work.
So…yeah. She woke up with my dick inside her and she lost it at me.
Called me names. ‘Fucking rapist’ was among them, too.
I resented it back then, but looking back, I can see that she hit the nail on the head.
“After that, I was reluctant to date anyone again. I was afraid I’d fuck up, inadvertently forcing the other person to have sex. Like, the person would just go along with it to make me happy. It makes me sick to even imagine it.”
When I finally dare look at Jamie again, my stomach plummets. His eyes are downcast and his breathing quick and shallow. He hasn’t pulled away yet, hasn’t stopped touching me, but I sense tension in him, like he’s afraid to move.
“Was it too much? Are you disgusted with me now?” Even though it kills me to say it, I add, “I understand if you are. I won’t hold it against you if you’ve changed your mind about me.”
“No.” Jamie’s answer is quick, firm. “No, I…” He bites his lip. “I would love to make you feel better about what happened with your ex-girlfriend. But I can’t without invalidating how she felt at that moment.”
“That’s alright, bunny. I didn’t tell you this so you could make excuses for me.”
“I’m not. I just wanna say—the fact that you regret it and can’t stop beating yourself up about it, years later, shows what kind of person you are.” This time, he places his hand over the centre of my chest. “The kind of person I got to know and like.”
My vision blurs momentarily and I blink hard. Jesus, I can’t cry now. Instead, I gently pry Jamie’s hand off my chest and press a lingering kiss to his palm.
“Thank you. That…that means a lot, you have no idea.” Seriously, how does he always know what to say? Not even my therapist had this much impact.
The only issue is that Jamie’s words are incongruous with the way his body is reacting right now. The tension hasn’t left him. If anything, he seems nervous, avoiding eye contact and shivering when I stroke his wrist.
“Okay, Jamie, what’s going on? You said you’re okay with what I told you, but you certainly don’t look it.”
He whimpers, squirming, and presses his face into my chest.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He sounds ashamed, and I only understand why when I feel something hot and hard graze my hip.
Slowly, I lift the blanket. Jamie’s shirt—my shirt—does nothing to hide his erection.
“Well, hello?” I tug his shirt up to get a proper look. “How did that happen?” I’m definitely not complaining, but I can’t say I’m not confused.
“It’s because of what you said,” Jamie whines, the words muffled against my chest. “I’m sorry. You were being vulnerable with me and I went and… Fuck.”
What I said? Does he mean—
Oh. Holy shit.
I’m sure I got it wrong at first. But then I think of the books that Jamie likes to read, and all the things we do in bed that he goes crazy for.
Little bunny is full of surprises.
“Which part?” I ask.
He stills. “What?”
“Which part made you like this?” I press my thigh against his dick, grinning slyly at the hitch in his breath. “That I did it without her consent? Or that she was asleep?”
All doubts leave me when Jamie grinds against my thigh in short, sporadic thrusts, like he can’t help himself.
“B-both,” he chokes out. “Just the idea of you, aaah, putting it in, taking me whenever you w-want, whether I can say y-yes or not is…” A full-bodied shiver runs through him.
Fuck it. We’ve had the big talk, I’ve told him everything and he’s not even remotely disgusted with me. There’s no reason to hold back now.
In a swift motion, I roll us so I’m on my back with Jamie splayed astride me. Gripping his thighs, I hike him up until he sits directly on my dick, only the thin layer of my underwear separating us.
“Are you saying that if I woke up in the middle of the night while you’re dead to the world, no idea what’s going on. If I slid my cock in that sweet, greedy hole of yours when you’re none the wiser…” I hitch my hips until my dick slots perfectly between his bare cheeks. “You wouldn’t protest?”
Jamie fucking mewls. He works his hips in short, aborted movements, stroking my dick with his asscheeks.
“No, of course you wouldn’t,” I growl. “You’re such a slut for cock, you’d probably sleep right through it.
You’d just wake up in the morning with my cum leaking from your hole without any idea of what happened.
And you’d love it. You’d love knowing that I’d just gone and taken what I wanted from you. ”