Chapter 22 Nate #2
He’s right. Saying that I’m more important than her education is fucked on so many levels.
“You don’t get it!” Harper finally breaks free from Emma’s grasp, rushing to her brother and pulling on his arm. “I’m happy with him, Mason. He’s good for me!”
He turns on her, face thunderous. “Getting you kicked out of school isn’t good for you! Letting people at the university gossip about you—Jesus, Harper, do you hear yourself right now?”
“I’ll go to a different school then,” she responds. “Or switch my major. I don’t care.”
Fuck. I can’t let this happen.
Mason turns from her to get up in my face, his expression murderous. He’s an inch or so shorter than me, but broader across the chest. And the rage in his eyes makes it clear that he wouldn’t think twice about knocking me the fuck out. “You’re done with her. Do you hear me?”
The words stab through my chest, pain radiating out into my limbs.
Because I know in my heart that he’s right. I can’t do this to her. I can’t ruin her. I refuse.
“Let me talk to her,” I beg him, willing him to recognize the regret in my eyes. “Let me fix this.”
He stares at me for a long minute. Finally, he nods, once. He leans toward me, voice low enough that only I can hear. “You have ten minutes. And I’m only allowing this because I trust her.”
His meaning couldn’t be clearer. He no longer has any trust to spare for me.
And I deserve it. I deserve so much worse than losing my old friend’s trust.
“Come here,” I tell Harper, barely able to look at her as I pass by on the way to her room. She hurries after me, wiping the tears from her eyes.
“Nate, I’m so sorry. He doesn’t understand.”
Instead of responding, I shut the door behind us.
There’s a lead weight in my chest and I feel like I’m going to throw up as I glance over at the bed.
We’d been so connected there a few short hours ago.
Not just a physical connection—it had been soul deep.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like it in my life.
How could everything have changed so completely in so short a time?
As I look down at Harper, I know what I have to do.
The reason I allowed myself to feel a connection that strong is because I believed she needed me.
It wasn’t like with Renee—Harper needs the same things I do in bed and in a relationship, so I let myself believe that I should be the one to give them to her.
I should be the one to take care of her. To make her happy and keep her safe.
But now all I can see is destruction. In the space of a few minutes, I set fire to her relationship with her brother and seriously damaged her academic ambitions. I’m not taking care of her. I’m ruining her. Isn’t that what Mason said? I hate that he’s right.
But there’s no way in hell I’m going to let it get any worse.
“You’re not going to a different school,” I tell her, my voice ragged. “And you’re not switching majors.”
She nods, seemingly unconcerned. “Fine. You’re right. We’ll just have to be more careful.”
I’m shaking my head before she finishes the sentence. “No, angel. It’s not going to work.”
Her face is the picture of confusion, like she can’t begin to understand what I’m saying. It breaks my heart a little more.
“We’re not going to work, Harper.”
She just stares at me. “I don’t understand.”
I want to touch her so badly. Want to hold her and wipe that scared, confused look off her face. But I can’t do that. I can’t keep hurting her. So I shove my hands into my pockets.
“I’m not going to be responsible for screwing up your education,” I tell her. “And your brother’s right—that’s exactly what’s going to happen if we keep this up.”
“I told you, I don’t care.”
I shake my head. “And that’s the problem, angel. You feel like you can give up the things you worked so hard for, just to be with me. That’s not how a relationship is supposed to work.”
There’s something like panic on her face now. “I thought you were supposed to make sacrifices in a relationship,” she argues, her voice high and strained.
I give her a sad smile. “Sacrifices, sure. But you’re not supposed to give up who you are. If I learned anything from what happened with Renee, it’s that.”
She stiffens. “This isn’t the same.”
“It is the same. You’re telling me you’d be willing to abandon this huge part of your life—your dreams, your ambition—just to be with me. Renee and I tried that, both of us thinking we could be something different to hang on to each other. It didn’t work.”
Harper runs her hands over her eyes, trying to catch the tears that are spilling over. I remember how insistent she’d been on not crying last night, and how I’d been able to give her the gift of releasing those tears at last.
I’d been proud of that, then. But now all I can think is how much worse this would all be if her brother knew the true nature of our relationship. Fuck, I spanked her until she sobbed in my arms, until her skin was red under my hands.
He’s going to ruin you.
Mason’s words ring in my ears and, for the first time since Renee left, I find myself sickened by my lifestyle. Maybe it is as fucked up as the rest of the world thinks. Maybe I will be doing her a favor by setting her free from all of this.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, turning away because I can’t stand to look at her crying for a second longer. I search the floor for my shirt, finding it strewn over a bookcase, where she had flung it while undressing me last night.
Don’t think about that. Don’t think about any of it.
“Wait,” Harper says, tugging on my arm as I reach for the shirt. “You’re not leaving like this.”
“I have to.” It’s everything I can do to keep my voice emotionless. “It’s better for you.”
“Bullshit!” she cries. “Nate!”
“I’m sorry, angel,” I mutter, pulling on my shirt, refusing to look at her. I’m afraid that if I do, I won’t be able to help from falling at her feet.
“So is everything you said last night bullshit too?” she asks, her voice shaking. “You said you loved me!”
I close my eyes. “It wasn’t bullshit.” I take a deep breath, trying to muster up some of my famous control, and turn back to her. The sight of her, so scared and pained, almost sends me reeling. But I have to do this.
“I told you last night that taking care of you is the most important thing to me. And that’s why I have to go now.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!”
I hate the pain I hear in her voice, the way her eyes are swimming in it. The way her fingers reach for me, like she’s desperate to hang on. I have to touch her, even if it’s the last time.
I grasp her shoulders, pulling her into me, taking both of her hands in one of mine when she goes to slip them around my neck. I can’t let her touch me. If she touches me, I’m never leaving this room.
I lean down, pressing my lips into her forehead, trying to imprint the smell of roses and vanilla that always seems to cling to her skin. “It’s for the best,” I tell her.
And then I turn and leave her room, leave the apartment, not bothering to say anything to Mason or Emma. I need to get out of here, right now, or I won’t be able to go at all.
I try to ignore the sound of a sob finally ripping free from her throat as I slip through the door. I’d been so relieved to hear that sound last night, knowing it meant she was letting go. But today, all it does is cause me pain. Staggering, heart-ripping pain.
And I know deep down that it’s not going to get any better. Not without her in my life.