Chapter 21
The next morning, I woke up with a mission, my body practically vibrating from the unease of this stupid fucking choice. The drive the rest of the way to the prison was quiet.
It was the kind of quiet that pressed against my ears until my head rang, my heartbeat thudding like a fucking drum.
Silence filled the car because I couldn’t compete with the pounding. I didn’t know or care what Carrington had to say. Every time I tried to swallow, the knot grew larger. My tongue felt like it was made of sand, and the scratchy discomfort made the silence even more consuming.
Beside me, Carrington tapped the window, drawing stupid-ass smiley faces like the ones on the masks we wore the night of the hunt.
That felt like so long ago, but as I watched the slow and steady motion of his finger, I realized that was the beginning of the end for me.
It was like a ticking clock I couldn’t ignore anymore.
Tick tock. Times up, Shiloh.
“You don’t have to do this today,” he finally said, fogging up the window to create more designs. His voice was low, like he knew I was wound too tight to handle anything louder.
I can’t run anymore.
“Yes, I do. Don’t act like you fucking know me, okay? Finding a picture online of my fucked up life doesn’t mean you know a damn thing.” My words came out sharper than I intended, but even still, I didn’t take them back.
The fact that he pilfered one of the last pictures I took with my father was evil enough, but to choose the one by that fucking shed…
Carrington whipped his head toward me, his black hair flying more wildly than usual. He still looked half asleep at this early hour, and his sleepy eyes made me feel an odd calm even as my rage consumed every other part of this day.
“Bullshit. You want to think that, fine. Go right ahead. You think whatever you need to. But I know more than what your cock tastes like, Sunshine, and deep fucking down…” He shook his head.
“You know I do. That’s why you’re so intent on convincing yourself otherwise, because someone actually knowing you for you scares the fuck out of you. More than the bastard behind bars.”
I stared straight ahead, ignoring his words and the biting truth behind them.
We didn’t speak again, and before long, the chain-linked fences and barbed wire came into view.
It looked like it was twisting, the rusted thorns wrapping around and piercing my heart the closer we got.
With each mile behind us, I felt smaller, my mind going back to that fifteen-year-old kid who only wanted to be fucking loved.
“I’ve carried this around my whole fucking life,” I muttered finally. “Every night. Every time I close my eyes, it’s his cruel fucking eyes. I see him ready to kill me in that fucking shed. Or I see her…my mom.”
I paused. “He killed her, too. One day she was there, and the next she wasn’t. Edmund Anderson took everything from me. I didn’t…I didn’t remember enough of my life. All I had were some feelings that were a mix of fear and some fucked up form of happiness. And then…him.”
My jaw locked.
“I need to see him. I need to look him in the eyes and know he can’t touch me anymore. I need to let him fucking know he can’t hurt me anymore, and I didn’t become him. I won’t. I need closure, Carrington.”
Carrington’s hand landed on my thigh. His soft touch, from such a hard man, left my cheeks wet with tears.
“I know, Sunshine, but closure doesn’t always come from people like him.”
“You don’t get it, I have to—”
“No, you don’t get it,” he snapped, cutting me off, his hand ripping off me like I disgusted him.
“Men like him? Like me? They’ll rot in a cell and still feel like kings, because they know they’re inside your head already.
If you’re walking in there thinking he’ll hand you peace fucking gift wrapped with a sappy ass apology for being who he is…
you’re fucked before you even start. I am just kind enough to warn you. ”
My chest tightened, anger and refusal rising with the stupid fucking tears. Under the pain from his words, there was something else festering in my damn heart.
Fear.
Fear of that little kid never getting the answers he needed. The ‘whys’ of the world that left me reeling in the aftermath of the fucking storm.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I will never get what I want. Maybe this is a mistake.
“So what, then? Am I supposed to just keep carrying it around until I fucking die? Pretend like I’m not still…still that stupid, hopeless kid?”
Carrington’s voice softened, just a fraction.
“No, Sunshine. You walk your fine ass in there, and you remember you’re not that kid anymore.
You’re a fucking man. Stronger than him.
You aren’t chained by his actions. You are free.
Despite every fucking effort to get you to let in the darkness, you still cling to the light.
He didn’t take that from you any more than I have. ”
My throat burned. I hated how badly I needed to hear that.
“And if I fall apart like a pathetic bitch?” I said, my voice breaking before I could stop it. It was hard to drive with the tears blurring my vision.
Carrington finally turned his body toward me fully, his expression dark as usual, but steady.
“Then I’ll be right fucking there. I’ll drag your ass out if I have to, punch him in the face on your demand, hell, I’ll bribe a guard to throw him in solitary confinement with the biggest asshole they’ve got. ”
I started to smile. Carrington’s idea of a pep talk was morbid, but it was what I needed right now.
“Whatever it is that is waiting there. You won’t face it alone, Baby Boy. Never again. You have me.”
The words slammed into me like a physical force, and it took the breath out of me. I clenched my hands around the steering wheel. “Why the fuck do you care so much, Care Bear?”
And why do I?
He smirked faintly, those damn golden eyes smoldering like a sunset. “Because, Sunshine, someone’s got to keep you from burning yourself alive. May as well be me. Don’t fucking forget you’re mine…it’s as simple as that.”
I swallowed hard, feeling the heat twist in my chest. It was a mix of pain and something I didn’t want to name.
We were at a red light, and before I could stop myself, I leaned forward into the crazy asshole beside me.
His lips tasted like soda and residual hints of his come from last night.
This was such a dangerous game we were playing.
Outside, the rain poured down, replacing the tears I had cried, reminding me of the constant chaos.
“And you were right before. In the showers.”
He kissed me back so passionately I became fucking entranced in his movements, the way his tongue wrapped around mine like it was always meant to. His moans and the foreign softness of his touch during this embrace.
“I am yours, too, Sunshine.”
Hearing those words from him, while being sucked into the spiral of his kiss, was like…
We belong together.
His lips were all-consuming.
I ignored the blaring horns behind me because I couldn’t pull away. Because just like every fucking time before, I was never able to pull away from Carrington.
He was right.
No matter what I did. No matter how fucking hard I fought the storm slowly consuming me, I was stuck. I didn’t belong to Alexandra Harding.
I belonged to her brother.
The prison gates loomed ahead. Nothing but gray concrete walls and guard towers looming in the sky like fucking spies, reminding me we weren’t alone.
My stomach flipped. “I can’t fucking breathe, Care Bear.”
Carrington’s hand brushed my thigh, sweeping over my dick, and grounding me back to the present.
“Yes, you can,” he said, that same hand moving up my stomach, to my chest, and sliding firmly around my neck.
“The only person taking away your breath is me, Sunshine. Not him. He doesn’t get that fucking honor. In through your nose, out through your delicious fucking mouth, got it?”
I did as he said, sucking in a shaky breath and then forcing it out. My pulse didn’t slow, but I could swallow again…once his grip loosened.
The car rolled to a stop in the visitor’s lot, but neither of us moved.
“Say it,” Carrington ordered suddenly. The barking order made me jump.
I frowned. “Say what?’
“That you’re not going in there as a victim.” His golden eyes locked on mine, unrelenting. “Say it out fucking loud. Now, Sunshine.”
My chest squeezed. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but the words stuck in my throat. My lips parted slowly. “I’m not going in there as a…victim.”
“Louder.”
“I’m not a fucking victim,” I repeated, stronger this time.
He nodded once, a sharp, proud motion that had his wild black hair falling forward. “Good. Hold onto that, Shiloh, like you will with my come in your tight little ass later. Because he’s going to try to rip it out of you.”
The visitor’s lot was nearly empty. I opened the door, but my legs felt too heavy, like they were made of the same stone as the prison walls. The rain-soaked ground outside carried the sterile sting of disinfectant, the cold steel of the walls, and the hearts of the inhabitants.
Slam.
Carrington’s car door shutting threw me out of my head and back into my reality. When he came around to my side, it cemented this was real, and…
I was not alone.
He didn’t grab my hand because he knew I couldn’t handle the PDA, but he walked close enough that his shoulder brushed mine every few steps. It was the subtle, possessive reminder I needed.
At the entrance, a guard barked at us like we were no different than the assholes behind bars, “Empty your pockets.”
I fumbled with my wallet and keys, my hands shaking so badly, Carrington had to step in front of me.
“Relax, Baby,” Carrington whispered, leaning in close so only I heard him. He tossed his own things in the bin with a calm efficiency that I envied, then nudged my elbow when I hesitated to do the same. “They’re not the enemy. Don’t waste your firepower on the wrong target.”
I clenched my jaw, shoved my stuff into the tray, and stepped through the metal detector.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
My chest tightened, and I went still.
“Back up,” the guard ordered, his tone all but a bark.
I was frozen, panic crawling up my throat with each repeated command from the officer.
Carrington held up his hands casually.
“Relax. It’s the damn belt buckle.” He jerked his chin toward me. “Take it off, Sunshine.”
Heat rushed to my face as I fumbled with the fucking belt, but my fingers didn’t seem to want to work.
Carrington walked to me, swatting my hands away. “So fucking cute.” He unbuckled it in two quick moves and handed it over to the guard. His mouth curved in the faintest smirk as he looked at me. “First time in the slammer and you’re already stripping for me, naughty boy.”
I glared at him, my cheeks burning even hotter than before. The biting edge of my panic dulled as I stared at his molten eyes. He’d done that on purpose.
Asshole.
“Forward,” the guard grunted.
I walked ahead, the detector silent this time. My heartbeat finally slowed enough that I could breathe, just like Carrington had shown me before.
The hall inside was long and echoey, while the annoying fluorescent lights buzzed overhead like static.
My tennis shoes squeaked on the waxed floor, and I focused on the sound, hearing the clomping of Carrington’s big ass boots in tune with me.
Every step deeper into this hell felt like I was walking into my own grave.
Maybe I am—the death of my past.
Carrington’s voice cut low and close beside me. “You’re wound up so tight, Baby. Breathe, Shiloh. Let me help you.”
“I am fucking breathing.”
“No, you’re gasping, and although I love these sexy, little whimpers…
” His hand brushed my back briefly, the touch so soft I wondered if it was there at all.
“If you walk in there looking like prey, he’ll eat you alive.
Stand tall. Show him the fucking man you are.
The man you became in spite of his stupid ass.
He doesn’t get to see you small, Sunshine. Blind him with that light of yours.”
I straightened instinctively, my jaw clenched. “You’re not exactly helping…and you act like you know how he thinks.”
Carrington’s eyes flickered, waning as he looked at me, his expression unreadable. “I know men like him. I know how to break them just as easily.”
Because he was worse. The ultimate predator.
The unsaid hung heavy like our footfalls as we walked.
I wanted to know more about the people he broke, but the guard stopped in front of a heavy steel door and looked at Carrington. It was a familiar look, almost transactional.
“You have one hour, Carey. Not a minute more. Edmund will be prepped for visitation.”
I looked at Carrington, confused as fuck, just as the big steel door opened and the guard closed the other heavy door behind us.