Chapter 36
Iwoke to the scent of lilac, unlike the woodsy, smoky smell of Carrington in my dream.
Xanthy always doused herself in the damn floral scent, even when she didn’t need to.
For a moment, while I was still half-tangled in sleep, I thought the smell was the earth itself: wet soil, crushed leaves, and the sweet ash of the forest floor.
Carrington’s breath had been there in the back of my mind, hot against my throat. The woods were still clinging to me from my dreams, the press of rough bark against my back, the sound of my own ragged breathing as he dragged something out of me I didn’t want to admit existed, but always had.
I blinked, and it all cracked wide, disappearing as my eyes opened.
It was not the trees above me, nor the starry night. Instead, a ceiling fan spun lazily above me. Xanthy’s hair spilled across my chest, pale as sunlight, and soft as thread.
Her arm was draped around me, her delicate fingers curled possessively over my ribs as though she feared I’d slip away. Her hand covered my bullet wound scar. Xanthy always had a way of masking my past. If only she could do so with my dreams.
I let out a sharp exhale and shoved the heels of my hands into my eyes.
Just a dream.
That’s all it had been—some fevered nightmare conjured by alcohol and exhaustion. My father’s voice echoed in the dark, while Carrington’s smirk burned itself into me, but none of it was real.
But it felt real.
My body ached as if it had been. My throat was raw, like I’d screamed into the night.
Beside me, Xanthy stirred. I let her nuzzle into my chest with a content hum, oblivious to the storm tearing me apart inside. She thought this was safety…love. The future, she convinced herself, was worth giving.
I should have let Roxy eat her that night.
I brushed a strand of hair from her cheek and forced myself to breathe evenly, to memorize the curve of her jaw, the delicate slope of her lips. If I stared hard enough, maybe it would be enough to banish what I’d seen in Carrington’s eyes, and the memory of his lips against mine.
But every time I closed my eyes, I saw them: gold, burning, and fucking feral. The hunger in them matched something deep and ravaged inside me.
Lying with Xanthy’s body pressed to mine, I realized the truth I couldn’t admit out loud.
If it was just a dream, why did it feel like a memory?
I leaned over and kissed Xanthy’s lips, desperately trying to feel something ignite inside me. I pushed my tongue into her mouth and listened to her moans as she stirred under me.
But there was no fight…No demand, just a complacency that bored me to tears.
“Mmm. Well, good morning, baby…I don’t remember you getting back last night. Are you okay?”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I pressed my lips harder into her, pushing my morning wood into the apex of her silky thighs, the room still swallowed in shadows.
Dammit. Please. Just enjoy this.
But she wasn’t Carrington.
And she never would be.
After going through the motions with her, I retreated and got dressed for the fucking wedding. I’d been dreading this day because I knew what it meant, and fuck me…
I wasn’t ready.
The drive to the lodge felt longer than it should have.
It was equally annoying because Xanthy hummed under her breath, fingering the clasp on her earrings in the visor mirror and applying makeup as if the car glove box were her personal vanity.
I kept my eyes on the road, but Carrington’s absence hung around me like smoke.
He hadn’t come back. Days upon days had passed. Not a word, not a sign, not even a text. Just silence where his presence should’ve been, and a dead body lay out to taunt me. My chest tightened at a thought:
Was he hunting someone else so he could torment me?
Or had I finally pushed him too far, and he didn’t want anything to do with me now?
Every shadow on the road whispered possibilities, none I wanted to consider.
“You okay?” Xanthy said, brushing her hand over mine. Her perfume was soft, and weirdly, the lilacs were grounding for once, reminding me of the woods.
Of him.
“Fine,” I lied.
She gave me that look that said she didn’t buy it, but she didn’t push this time.
“I should tell you now so you aren’t a deer in headlights who’s all going to be there. Hansel is the groom, and—”
“Grettel is the bride?”
Xanthy didn’t laugh, and I sighed. “Sorry.”
“Amelia is the bride,” she continued.
Like I gave a flying fuck who any of these morons were.
“Fifi, Octavio, Oliver, Charlotte, Charlie…” The list went on and on, and my mind started to tune out, focusing solely on the music.
Why did my body feel so spent today?
My back hurt, and from the shower mirror, I had scratches going down all the way to my ass. My neck had a cut under my chin, and my shoulder was bruised. I tried to remember the hunt. I hadn’t caught anything, but maybe something caught me…
Someone’s got to watch you before you get your drunk ass killed.
I shook my head, the internal echo making my eyes hurt.
“Babe. Really? Did you hear anything I said? You’re not going to know anyone’s name.”
I winced at her shrill volume and attempted to repeat the long list of names. “Frufru, Oswaldo, twist, uh…Wilber?”
Xanthy sighed exasperatedly and pouted. Her body was turned away from me, and she opted to stare out the window. I was enjoying the silence until the echoes in my head got louder.
If anyone is going to kill you, it’ll be me. You ready for that, Sunshine?
I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed Xanthy’s phone, once she fell asleep against the window, and dialed Carrington in my headset.
“What do you want, Alexandra?”
Hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes, and I sighed, not even realizing I started crying like a bitch until the road became unsteady.
“Xan?”
I couldn’t speak. I tried to open my mouth to form words, but just hearing him was overwhelming.
Images of the woods flashed in my mind. Like a dream sequence, but it felt more real than any dream I’d had.
The broken bottle held against my neck, my dick rubbing against his, and my orgasm painting his in the pouring rain.
“Sunshine? Is that you?”
Fuck. Of course, he would know it wasn’t his fucking sister.
“I needed to know you weren’t dead,” I stated, an insult dying on my tongue as the truth spilled free of me instead. “I don’t know what I’m doing lately. You killed that girl, didn’t you? You are always playing tricks on me, Care Bear. Why? Why her?”
He didn’t speak for a moment. I started to speak again, but his voice cut me off.
“I used to think I had an answer, Shiloh. But now, I don’t know.”
Did he feel…guilty?
“She wasn’t a bad person. I was,” I said, my voice choking up, making me raise the volume on the radio to keep from disturbing Xanthy’s rest.
“I know that,” he said quietly. “But she had you. No one can have you, Shiloh. You are mine.”
“No, I’m not.” I responded on instinct, but then I shocked us both when I stopped myself and instead said, “I know.”
I heard Carrington’s slight intake of breath through the phone.
“But what good does it do us, Carrington? You can’t take back what you did. I can’t turn away from the man I have worked so hard to become. Not when…”
I stopped again, waiting for Xanthy to readjust and fall deeper into sleep.
“Not when I’m so close to finally getting there.”
It was a whisper, but he heard it, and he fell silent. All I heard was his unsteady breathing on the other line.
“What are you going to do, Shiloh?”
It wasn’t a question, not really. It sounded more like a dare.
“Because I want you to be extremely aware of the consequences your actions will cause,” he continued.
I had thought about that. I knew when I set out to do this, it would put Carrington into a tailspin, and I knew what it meant. I had to protect my choice. No matter what.
“No longer content with hiding behind my sister anymore?”
I didn’t answer.
“What are you going to do, Shiloh?”
Again, I stayed silent. I couldn’t admit it, even to myself.
“Shiloh Anderson, if you do not tell me what you’re planning, I can’t promise I won’t retaliate and do something far worse than killing sweet, Carmen Vita.”
Carrington was already spiraling, already falling deeper into an endless void of darkness.
“Meet me one last time, Carrington.” My voice was as unsteady as my shaking body. “Meet me where we met. I need to say goodbye, the only way we’ve ever said hello.”
Carrington didn’t speak, his breathing getting harder and faster.
“Goodbye?” His voice cracked. “You’ll only say goodbye to me over your dead fucking body…or mine. I won’t say goodbye to you, Sunshine. Ever”
My heart was fucking breaking in two.
“I love you, Care Bear. Meet me tonight. Please. After everything you owe me this.”
Carrington remained silent, but his tears were as audible as mine when he took a deep breath and said, “Tonight, Shiloh. I will have you tonight, but this time I won’t let you think it’s just a fucking dream.”