Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The silence in the room had been going on for some time now, but Yvette hardly noticed it. If anything, she felt perfectly comfortable. Hugh was fast asleep, thankfully, and the Duke remained by his side, holding his hand, looking upon his son with absolute worry and especially love.
Once, Yvette might have questioned the Duke’s feelings for his son. That, she now knew, was an assumption that had been sorely misplaced.
Yvette had no doubt whatsoever that the Duke did care for his son. It might have taken him a while to get there, the going was not easy, and it certainly wasn’t smooth, but he loved his son. Of that, she was certain.
She almost felt as if she was impeding upon them. And while a small part of her thought to leave the Duke alone with his son, a greater part could not bring herself to do so.
Some of that was for Hugh, because she wanted to remain until he was well again.
A greater part was on account of the Duke.
It was silly to think, and she had no doubt that she was reading into what wasn’t there, but Yvette felt that the Duke needed her at that moment, that her being there gave him strength.
Is that just me being hopeful? I am not so sure it is anymore. More than once, I have caught him glancing at me, as if to check that I have not left.
He wants me here by his side. Just as I want to be here.
“You have been good with him,” the Duke spoke suddenly. He did not look at her, still focused on his son.
“Excuse me?” she started.
“With Hugh.” His voice was strained and tired. “You have been good with him, far better than I deserve.” A quick glance in her direction. “I don’t know how… how I can…”
“You don’t have to do anything,” she hurried to say. “In truth, I am a little embarrassed.”
“What for?”
She smiled sheepishly. “When you arrived home earlier, the way I was behaving…” She grimaced. “No doubt you thought that Hugh had been seriously injured or worse. I can’t imagine what you thought when you saw me.”
“No,” he said. “Don’t apologize. Ever.” His voice turned hard. “You should not apologize for caring, because that’s what you were doing.”
“Maybe…”
“Not maybe,” he said. “As worried as I was, you were just as much. It tells me that you care for Hugh as if he is your own, which tells me that I made the right choice hiring you.” He turned and looked at her. “For that, thank you. Although, I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately.”
“Doing what?”
“Thanking you,” he chuckled.
“Oh…” Her cheeks flushed. “And thank you in return… for all the thanks you have given me.” She laughed softly at how silly their conversation was, and she was relieved to hear him do the same.
The Duke still sat on the same chair right by his son’s head, and Yvette sat on a settee beside it. But she was down the wrong end, a gap between herself and the Duke, and on instinct she shuffled forward, bringing herself closer.
“You’re good with him,” the Duke continued, still watching over his son. “I sense you are with most children.”
“I have my moments.”
He laughed gently. “It’s more than that. You’re a natural. So much that it makes me wonder…” He trailed off, his brow furrowed, and then he shook his head. “You care for children through the church, don’t you?”
She stiffened slightly with unease, because she had sensed what he was about to ask her. No doubt, he was curious about what she had no children of her own, and while a part of her wanted to tell him the reason, another part shied away.
As close as we are… I don’t think we are quite there yet.
“We do,” she started carefully. “It was several years ago when my father noticed how many orphans there were coming to his sermon. Many were from the estate, the various farms. Some even from London, likely just passing through. He thought it might be a good idea to feed them.”
“I have a feeling that you had a hand in convincing him.”
She smiled at the memory of it, because he was right in that. With no children of her own, there was a hole inside of Yvette that she needed to fill. And while she might have liked to have filled it with her own child… that simply was not possible.
“Perhaps a little,” she said. “But my father did not hesitate once I suggested it. Now, we feed them twice a week and even clothe those that need it. It is not much, and I wish we could do more but…” She sighed. “I do love being able to help, where I can.”
“You clearly love children,” he said.
“I do.”
Silence fell between them again. This time, it was strained by the obvious question that sat between them. He wanted to ask her but he was afraid too. Yvette very nearly told the Duke herself, but she held back.
Why do I even care? It is not as if it is anything to be ashamed of.
She knew the reason why. Despite how much closer she and the Duke had become, that one secret was a piece of herself that she was able to use to guard her feelings and maintain the gap that separated them.
So long as she had it to herself, she could pretend that she and the Duke were nothing more than employer and employee.
She could pretend that they were still strangers…
Thankfully, he did not press her.
His focus turned back to Hugh, who was already looking better than he had done. The hour was late, or early, depending on how one looked at it, well past midnight so that soon the sun would begin to rise. Hugh’s color had returned slightly, and he was no longer coated in sweat.
Still, the Duke watched over him. Still, he held his son’s hand as if his life depended on it. And still, she could see the love that he had for his son.
“What of yourself?” she asked gently, shuffling forward just a little.
“What do you mean?” He turned away from Hugh and looked at her.
“Have you always loved children?”
He frowned. “The wording of that question implies that I do now.”
She rolled her eyes. “There is no need to play coy any longer with me, Your Grace.” She flicked her eyes at Hugh. “I see how you are with him, just as I see how much you love him. You’re a good father. Better than you think.”
He winced and looked away. “That’s not true.”
Without thinking, she reached forward and rested her hand on his arm. She felt him tense and then relax, a smile reaching his lips as he looked from her hand to her face. She did not look away, and their eyes held…
“You are a good father,” she said again, meaning it. “Perhaps not a perfect one, but Hugh is lucky to have you. It’s about time you realize it.”
“Just making up for lost time…” He sighed, and his eyes dropped. “It really is the least that I can do. I wonder, too…” His brow furrowed with intensity as he looked at Hugh. “Had his mother not died, would he be better off with her. I want to believe this is best, but a boy needs a mother.”
“As he does a father.”
“Perhaps.” He did not sound as if he believed it.
Yvette hesitated on her next question. She watched the Duke closely, seeing the way he looked at his son, the worry that was still there, and the love. He did love Hugh, of that she had no doubt. She only wished that he would admit it.
Why does he not wish to? What is he really ashamed of?
“What was his mother like?” she asked gently, still holding his arm. “I see so much of you in Hugh, and I wonder where his mother comes in.”
He bit into his lip, his expression growing more intense. “That, I cannot answer.”
“Oh?”
“I do not know her.”
Yvette leaned back in surprise. “You do not know… I thought…”
The Duke bowed his head. “You may judge me if you wish, and I will not stop you. But the truth is, I do not know who the boy’s mother is, so I cannot answer your question.
Just as I do not know what his life was like before she passed away.
All I can do is provide for him the best that I can, and hope that is enough. ”
She had no idea what to say, and her surprise was so evident that even if she wanted to, she doubted that she could have hidden it.
While there was much that Yvette did not know about the Duke, the one thing that she was sure of was that he was a good man. Yes, he could be intimidating. Yes, he could be scary. But that was all a mask, and the softer side of him was his true nature. Or so she had believed.
Also, he was no rake. Nor did anything that she had heard of his past suggest otherwise.
The fact that he did not know who Hugh’s mother was suggested to Yvette the complete opposite; that she was little more than a passing fancy, one of many, it sounded like, who happened to fall pregnant where other women had not.
Yvette’s mind turned as she tried to reckon with what this meant. She did not want to judge the Duke. She did not want him to think that she was. And yet… this is just one more instance of me not knowing him nearly as well as I would like. Perhaps that is for the best…
“How is that –”
“You should go to bed,” he spoke over her. Not with anger, and not with force. Rather, he sounded exhausted, and the way his shoulders slumped told her that he was. “It is late, and it looks as if Hugh has passed through the worst of it.”
“I am fine,” she said. “I can stay. I want to stay.”
He looked at her again, this time with a warm smile that she felt in her heart. Despite everything, he cared for her, just as he was grateful for her being here.
“I know you do,” he said, his voice tired and weak. “And Miss Norleigh, you have no idea what that means to me. But you need your rest. Tomorrow will be a big day, I think, and Hugh is going to need you functioning.”
She laughed softly. “What of you?”
“Me? Why do you think I hired a governess in the first place?”
Yvette did not want to go. And it wasn’t that she wished to stay by Hugh’s side to make sure that he was well.
It was that she didn’t want to leave the Duke.
He acted strong. He pretended to be confident and brave.
But she could sense how much he needed her, and how much he wanted her to stay with him.
If only he were brave enough to say it…
“If you need me…” She rested her hand on his arm again, another soft squeeze.
“I know where you are staying,” he said with humor.
She laughed. “I’m just one pitched scream away.”
Still holding his arm, she gazed at him and he at her.
Their stare held, the silence around them was engrossing and comfortable, and in that moment Yvette decided that it did not matter about the Duke’s past and how he had gotten here.
What mattered was who he was now, the steps he was taking to be a better person, and how determined he was to be there for Hugh.
She squeezed his arm a final time. He eyed her hand and smiled. Then, slowly, she let go, and it felt like she was letting go of a piece of herself.
“Good night,” she said as she took a step back.
“I think you mean good morning.”
She laughed again and shook her head. “And Your Grace… you did well tonight. You’re a good father, and Hugh is lucky to have you.”
He did not respond with words, just a grateful smile before turning back to focus on his son.
She lingered in the doorway, taking in the scene. Her heart swelled, her chest grew tight, and a tear dripped down her cheek. It could never be… it was foolish to even consider… she was only going to hurt herself…
Do I care? I know that I should. I know that it makes all the difference. But when he looks at me that way, we are not duke and governess, but something else… even if it makes no sense. Even if it can never possibly be…
“Good night,” she said softly, just low enough that he could not hear. A final gaze at the man who she was starting to fall for, a gentle smile on her lips, and she turned and left him with his son.