Chapter 21 #2
It wasn’t until they had a drink each, finding a corner toward the back of the room, that Alistair saw movement through the crowd. Someone was coming toward them, and he braced himself for what was sure to be an awkward conversation.
That was until he saw who it was. Alistair groaned at the sight… Yes, a most awkward conversation indeed.
“Oh, do not give me that look.” Carrowell laughed gaily as he approached the two of them. “As if you are not thrilled to see me.”
“Carrowell…” Alistair looked flatly at his friend. “Good of you to make it.”
“And how pleased you sound. Ah, Miss Norleigh…” Carrowell extended a hand toward Miss Norleigh, and she hesitated before giving it.
He took her hand and kissed the back in a way that was proper.
“You look ravishing. That dress…” His smile was honest. “I had no idea that Alistair had such good taste.”
“Perhaps you can borrow it sometime,” she said politely. “I think it might suit you.”
Carrowell’s eyes lit up. “Oh my, she has a tongue on her. But tell me, Miss Norleigh, do you have feet to match?”
She frowned and leaned back. “What…”
“A dance,” he chortled and indicated across the ballroom to where a dancefloor was just now beginning. There were eight couples readying at the center, taking their partner in preparation for a waltz. “I would be honored if you would…” He laughed. “Well, do me the honor.”
Alistair knew his friend well enough to know that he would not try anything with Miss Norleigh. Just as he knew that he was behaving this way specifically to upset him.
But that did not stop his gut from writhing with jealousy, and he had to fight the urge to take Miss Norleigh by the arm and pull her in close as if to protect her.
“I… I have not danced in a long time,” she said.
“Wonderful! Nor have I? Shall we…” He held his hand out and raised an eyebrow. “That is unless His Grace has any objections.”
“My objections are irrelevant,” Alistair said through gritted teeth. “If Miss Norleigh wishes to dance with you…”
“That settles it!” He snatched her hand. “Do not fear, I will have her back in one piece.”
Even if Miss Norleigh wished to object, she was not given a chance. Within a second of taking her hand, Carrowell was dragging her through the crowds, chatting merrily the whole way. Whatever he said must have been a jest, because Miss Norleigh laughed and slapped his arm playfully.
And again, Alistair’s stomach twisted.
He watched the two with a sense of foreboding. Aware that there was nothing to be upset by, but unable to escape the feeling that something was wrong. Or rather, that he had done something wrong.
I should be the one to dance with her. That should be me who she is laughing with, whose hand is on her waist…
Drink in hand, mood growing steadily worse, Alistair stayed back as he watched the dance begin.
His eyes narrowed when he saw Carrowell’s hand go to Miss Norleigh’s waist. His grip on the glass of wine he held tightened when he saw her hand go to his.
And he started to shake when he saw the laughter on their lips, as the music began, and as they moved as one in perfect rhythm across the floor.
“You ought to be a bit more discreet.” Lady Emily appeared beside him, and she eyed him knowingly with a smirk on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes. “That is assuming you do not want the whole world to know your secret.”
Alistair started in surprise and tore his gaze from Miss Norleigh. “My secret…” He laughed awkwardly. “I am afraid that I have no idea what you speak of.”
She scoffed. “Ah, yes, play the dolt. It works so well for you.”
He considered lying to her further. He considered denying her assumption. He considered doing whatever it took to convince Lady Emily that her opinion was highly misplaced and that she would be better not to voice it again. He considered all these things…
Alistair was quick to change his mind when he saw that look in her eyes.
She had a raised eyebrow, a no-nonsense expression worn, and he knew, then and there, that to lie to her in this would be akin to trying to convince her that the sky was pink and the grass was orange.
Such was the obvious nature of the truth.
“It is that obvious, is it…” He sighed and allowed his shoulders to slump.
“Only to those who know you,” she said. “And those who have been courted by you. The fact that you never looked at me that way…” She scoffed playfully. “Perhaps if I wore a dress like that one, you might have bothered.”
“It is not the dress.”
“I know it,” she laughed. “It is who wears the dress. And from the way you have been staring at her, Your Grace, I would think that she could be dressed in a potato sack and the look on your face might be the same.”
He grimaced. “You’re not upset?”
“I told you, did I not?” She rested a hand on his arm in solidarity. “My feelings for you extend to the familiar and friendly. I do not love you as you do not love me.” She allowed her gaze to drift back to Miss Norleigh, who still danced with Carrowell. “Or as you love another.”
“Love?” Alistair feigned confusion. “I do not… I might care for Miss Norleigh, but love? That is absurd.”
“Is it, now?”
“You of all people should know that I am not capable of such a thing as that…” He sighed and shook his head as if in defeat.
“Why do you think that I wished for a marriage of convenience – that I even considered marrying you, despite neither of us having feelings for one another? I am broken, Lady Emily.”
“Just because you did not have feelings for me does not mean you are incapable, Your Grace.”
“It is not just you.” He went back to watching Miss Norleigh.
He watched her smile. He watched her laugh.
He watched her love the moment that she was in.
“I have tried in the past. I have… I have wanted to fall in love before, as a younger man. But I learned early that such follies are not for me. And I have made my peace with it.”
“Perhaps you just haven’t found the right woman?”
If only it was that easy. What Lady Emily did not know was that Alistair’s feeling concerning love and marriage stemmed from his upbringing, his father who beat him, his mother who died because of how she was treated, and the repulsion he felt at even the suggestion of forcing such a thing onto another.
He was not the same monster that his father was, he knew that. But that did not mean he could simply forget… that he could ignore the impulse inside of him that screamed constantly to run and hide whenever a slither of happiness presented itself.
His father had whipped from him any chance of being happy.
“It is not about the right woman.” He watched Miss Norleigh dance, and his chest tightened because how he would have loved to have been the one with her… if only he was that type of man. “I am the problem.”
“Oh, now I don’t believe that.”
“It is true.”
“Maybe, maybe not…” He saw her watching him out the corner of his eyes, just as he saw the doubt that she wore as she did so. “Although, who am I to say?” She laughed. “I am not much better. Hence my desire to marry you.” She laughed again. “We truly are hopeless, aren’t we?”
“Yes, we are.”
“Not so hopeless that you won’t at least try with Miss Norleigh, I pray. For example, right now, I sense that she needs you, and if you remain here feeling sorry for yourself, that need will go unfounded. And that would be a tragedy.”
He frowned and looked down at her. “Needs me? How so?”
She flicked her head across the ballroom where the dancing had just now stopped. As expected, the couples were slow to leave, and they remained holding one another as they drifted back among the crowd.
Alistair searched for Miss Norleigh and Carrowell, expecting them to come right back. Most strangely, they were nowhere to be seen…
“Where on earth…”
Lady Emily took his arm and turned him so that he found the two crossing the ballroom together, in the opposite direction of where Alistair stood. Carrowell walked with his arm around Miss Norleigh, and she leaned on him with a little too much familiarity.
Inside, Alistair felt a fire erupt.
“You might not think you deserve love, Your Grace, but how can you possibly know such a thing if you do not fight for it? How can you say what you want if you have never even tried?”
Alistair continued to watch Miss Norleigh walk closely with Carrowell. He doubted that his friend would dare to make a move when he so obviously knew that, tonight at least, she belonged to Alistair … but this is also Carrowell that I am talking about.
“And what if I fail?” he asked without looking at Lady Emily. “What if it is all for nothing?”
“Then at least you won’t die not knowing. To live with regrets is its own sadness, but to die with them is an entirely worse type of fate.”
Her words stirred something deep inside of him.
For a long time, Alistair had known that he had feelings for Miss Norleigh.
And most recently, he had started to accept them as real – beyond mere fancies and physical attraction.
But he was still hesitant, still not entirely sure if such feelings warranted any action.
Yes, he liked Miss Norleigh, but was there any point to it?
What could possibly happen between them?
Now… he was starting to wonder if that mattered at all.
Why not take the risk? Why not see where things went? And why not put himself out there for the first time in his life? At the very least, he could try for a damn change.
I can at least pretend that I want to be happy… for me… for Hugh… to show my father that he has not beaten me.
Images of his father, memories of his childhood, filtered through his mind’s eye but he pushed them down. For too long he had allowed his father to control him, even from beyond the grave, and to do so for any longer would be to allow his father to win. That, he could not allow.
The fire inside of him burned all the more fiercely, and Alistair let it swell through him. He let it take him like he never had. The fear left him. The doubt fled. And all that was left was a sense of resolve to do what he knew that he must.
“Excuse me, Lady Emily…” He handed her his empty glass of wine. “But I am needed elsewhere.”
She took the glass with a smile. “I sure hope that you are.”
With that, Alistair took a deep breath, calmed his beating heart, and started across the ballroom. People watched as he went, heads twisted, whispers started, and he did not care. For once, he paid them no mind.
For once, Alistair thought of his own happiness and what he wanted in this life. That was what mattered, and that was why this was right.