Chapter Eighteen #3
“He could not have protected me,” she finally said. “This was something I had to face alone, Grandfather. If you cannot understand that, I cannot explain it to you any better.”
“Would you have let him face a situation like this alone?”
Her first reaction was to voice her support for Cassius in any given situation, but she shut her mouth. It would open an entirely new world of argument and she didn’t have the strength. She didn’t want to face the possibility that she might have been wrong.
At the moment, she didn’t want to face anything.
She was so very weary.
“We shall never know,” she said quietly. “I am going to rest now. It has been a trying day.”
The duke and Darian watched her go, hearing her footfalls fade away as she mounted the stairs. The duke sat back in his chair, sighing heavily at the apex of a most eventful day.
“Do you know where Cassius is, Darian?”
Darian looked at him. He could have easily lied to the man, anything to keep Cassius away from Dacia and preserve what little hope there was still for him to marry her. But after seeing what her heartbreak had reduced her to, he couldn’t bring himself to make it worse.
Certainly, Dacia would heal. Broken hearts always did, eventually.
But even he had to admit that there had been something very special between Dacia and Cassius.
Just because he couldn’t have her didn’t mean he wished her heartbreak equal to his own.
It occurred to him that he had to do to Dacia what she had done to Cassius –
He had to let her go.
He loved her enough to do that.
“Du Bois sent me a missive a few days ago that said they were at a tavern in Pontefract,” he said. “They were heading north to Castle Questing, but Cassius apparently hasn’t been able to move out of Yorkshire. According to du Bois, they are in a place called the Blood and Barrel.”
The duke mulled over the information. He finally shook his head.
“I think she is making a terrible mistake,” he said.
“She is letting Cassius slip through her fingers. I never agreed with her sending him away to begin with, but now… now that Amata has confessed her sins, there is no reason for Cassius not to return.”
“Do you want me to send him word?”
Doncaster nodded. “Aye,” he said. “But do not tell Dacia. If you do, she’ll have time to be furious with us. But if she knows nothing and suddenly opens her door one day to find Cassius standing there, she’ll thank us.”
Darian nodded. “It may be more complicated than that, but at least she may speak to him. She wouldn’t before he left, you know.”
“I know.”
“I’ll send word today.”
Darian turned and headed for the door, the duke stopped him.
“Darian,” he said. “I realize that this cannot be easy for you, but I will say that you have shown remarkable composure through this situation. You are to be commended.”
Darian knew what he meant. Losing the woman that a man had his heart set on was never easy. Weakly, he smiled.
“I simply want her to be happy, your grace,” he said. “I have reconciled myself to the fact that it is not with me.”
The duke nodded faintly, unwilling to comment more. He had acknowledged that sad dynamic as much as he was going to and he suspected Darian did not wish to discuss it further, either. Therefore, he waved his hand.
“Go, then,” he said. “If she will not send for the man, then we will. Mayhap you will make her happy, Darian. Just not in the way you had hoped.”
Darian smiled weakly and quit the solar to go about his business, leaving the duke sitting at his table, wondering if this entire situation was salvageable.
They were going to find out.
*
An apology.
Dacia still couldn’t believe that Amata had come to deliver an apology. Instead of being pleased by it, or happy with it, it just seemed to make things worse.
Her anger had returned.
Perhaps it would have been best had Amata simply faded away, forgotten by a world she tried so hard to control.
It seemed to Dacia that her father had involved himself too late in this situation – where had he been during the most formative years when Amata should have been taught right from wrong, love from hate, and how not to build a life on lies?
Perhaps she should not have blamed Hugh, but it seemed to her that the man did a terrible job of raising his daughter.
Cousin or no cousin, she had no use for him.
And she did not accept Amata’s apology.
The past two weeks had passed in a fog. Every day was the same and every night was endless.
Dacia had slept, of course, but fitfully and only periodically, waking into a darkened room with Cassius on her mind.
She wondered where he was, and what he was doing, and if he hated her overly for what she had done.
Although Dacia had convinced herself that sending him away had indeed been the best thing for them both, there was also a part of her that wondered even if she had allowed him to remain, if the pressure of being married to a hated woman would have taken its toll on him.
If he would have risen every morning and wondered why he had stayed.
She wouldn’t have been able to live with herself had she seen resentment in his eyes when he looked at her.
It was thoughts like those that convinced her that she had done the best thing for them both.
But, oh, how glorious it had been to have known such love and happiness and acceptance for just a few days.
Those few days with Cassius had been the best days of her life and something she would always remember.
Perhaps the old saying was right – perhaps it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and she was grateful that for a brief and shining moment in time, she had loved and had been loved.
She would have to cling to that memory in the dark years to come.
But the situation had markedly changed. With Amata’s confession, she knew that she could send for Cassius and tell him that everything was all right.
She could hope for his return. But given the circumstances of their separation, she wasn’t entirely sure that he would want to return to her.
She had shut herself away and refused to speak with him, and he had spent two solid days outside of her door, begging her to open it.
It had been the most painful time of her life.
There had been moments when Cassius simply talked about anything he could think of, having a one-sided conversation as if there were two people involved.
She would hear him speak of his grandparents, his father’s parents that he loved so dearly, and he spoke on how they met and married under somewhat clandestine circumstances.
He would tell her that most of the men in his family had not had easy paths to marriage.
He would tell her that everything would be all right if she would only open the door.
But she had refused.
On the morning of the third day, Cassius had finally given up.
Dacia had awoken to silence. She was so used to waking up to the sound of his voice, that the silence had been deafening as well as heartbreaking because she knew he had given up the fight.
So much of her wanted to open that door and run after him, but she didn’t.
She couldn’t. She couldn’t bring Cassius into the hell that was swirling around her.
He needed a wife who wasn’t being accused of unspeakable things.
After that, the depression set in. Hardly eating and hardly sleeping had taken its toll.
Dacia’s clothing was beginning to hang on her and Edie had been trying to take in some of the things that were obviously bagging.
The beautiful yellow fabric that she had dyed for Amata’s birthday was being turned into a new surcoat for Dacia.
Edie had been a great comfort to her, the only comfort she would allow near her.
Dacia simply couldn’t handle anyone else.
Now, with Amata’s apology, her emotions were fresh and brittle once again.
She had run all the way from her grandfather’s solar and now stood in the middle of her larger chamber, reliving the apology over and over again.
She was reliving beating up on Amata, thinking that she should have been satisfied from physically expressing her rage but realizing there was no satisfaction at all.
The damage to her life was irreparable.
It was over before it even began.
“My lady?” Edie was standing in the doorway of the smaller chamber. “Are… are you well?”
Dacia looked over at the woman who tried so hard to take good care of her. “I am.”
“Did you see Amata?”
“I did.”
“And she apologized?”
Dacia nodded. “For everything, she did.”
She didn’t elaborate and Edie didn’t push. She was intuitive that way. She knew that if Dacia wanted her to know something, she would tell her. For now, however, Edie was just glad Amata had made amends, but Dacia didn’t seem too relieved or overjoyed.
She simply seemed weary.
“Come and lay down, lamb,” she said gently. “I’ll mix you a sleeping position and rub your forehead. Would you like that?”
Dacia smiled weakly. “Dear Edie,” she said. “You are always trying to tend to me, just like a child.”
Edie went over to the big bed and pulled back the coverlet. “That is because sometimes we all need careful tending,” she said. “This is your time. Come and lay down, lamb. Let me take care of you.”
Dacia didn’t fight her on it. She was weary and, truth be told, feeling weak.
The day had been too much for her. She needed to rest and organize her thoughts, which were centering more and more on Cassius.
Perhaps if she apologized to him, he might forgive her for being cruel and come back to her.
If he truly loved her as he said he did, perhaps he’d be willing.
She needed to sleep on it.
“There is some wine over there,” she told Edie. “There is a phial in my medicament bag, in the back row, four from the left, that are the sleeping powders that Emmeric gave Grandfather last year. They worked for him. I may as well try them.”
Edie looked at the two bags, side by side. “I put the things from his bag into yours,” she said, worried. “I thought you wanted his medicines in your bag.”
Dacia sat on the bed to remove her slippers. “I did,” she said. “Look for the word somnum scratched into the glass. That is the sleeping powders.”
Edie knew the letters of the alphabet, but she couldn’t read very well. Dacia was aware of that and she had tried to educated Edie further, but Edie had been embarrassed about it and she had told Dacia she understood far more than she actually did.
Therefore, reading the etchings on the glass phials was nerve wracking for her because she wanted to find the right powders.
She didn’t want to admit to Dacia that she couldn’t read them properly.
The young woman had enough to worry about without an incompetent servant.
She came to a phial with “um” at the end of the word and held it up into the light.
“Somnum?” she said.
Dacia was already laying down. “Is that what is says?”
“I think so, my lady. I see um at the end of it.”
“Is it a white powder?”
Edie held it up for her to see, but she was several feet away. “It is, my lady.”
Dacia only glanced at it from afar. “Good,” she said. “Use one of those little spoons to put a goodly amount in a cup of wine and bring it to me.”
“Are you certain?” Edie said reluctantly. “I put Emmeric’s potions and powders in here, and some of them were poisons.”
But Dacia didn’t seem concerned. “If the phial says somnum, then it is a sleeping powder,” she said. “Put it in the wine, Edie.”
Edie did as she was told. She put a heaping spoonful into a cup of wine and stirred it around, dissolving it. Bringing it over to Dacia, she helped the woman sit up so she could drain the entire cup. Edie took the cup away as Dacia lay back down, rolling onto her side.
“Edie,” she said. “Will you do something for me?”
“Of course, lamb,” she said. “What is your wish?”
Dacia yawned, her eyes already becoming droopy because she was so exhausted. “Would you speak with those you know in Doncaster and see if Amata’s apology has had any affect?” she said. “I know you know some of the villagers. Mayhap they can tell you if the situation is truly forgiven.”
Edie looked at her sympathetically. “It means a great deal to you, doesn’t it?”
Dacia paused before answering. “I told Cassius that I am Doncaster,” she said quietly. “When Grandfather is gone, I will be all that is left. I love these lands and the people. I want to take care of them and protect them. They must not think ill of me because of Amata’s viciousness.”
“If they do, then they’re fools.”
“But will you ask around to make sure Amata’s apology was accepted?”
“And if it is?”
Dacia sighed faintly. “If it is…” she began, then stopped herself.
But the pause was only momentary. “If it is, then I will send word to Cassius. He said that he was going to Castle Questing in Northumberland, so he must have arrived by now. I will send him a missive and tell him what has happened. At least he will know.”
Edie smiled at her. “Will you ask him to return?”
Dacia closed her eyes. “I treated him so terribly,” she said. “Mayhap he does not want to return.”
“But you can ask him, lamb. Ask him and let him make his choice.”
“But what if he refuses?”
“Then at least you will know.”
It was a sobering but true statement. “You are correct,” she said sadly. “If he does not return, I will have my answer. But if I do not say anything at all, I will never know.”
Edie was close enough that she put her hand on Dacia’s head. “Sleep, now,” she said softly. “Stop worrying about such things for the moment. Make your decision after you’ve had some rest.”
Dacia simply closed her eyes again, drifting off to sleep.
It wasn’t until a few hours later when Edie tried to wake her than she realized something was wrong.
Dacia wouldn’t awaken and her breathing was slow and labored.
In a panic, Edie snatched the phial of sleeping powder and rushed to Darian, who was in the middle of writing out the missive to Cassius and couldn’t be bothered until Edie mentioned that the phial had to do with Dacia.
She needed to know the full name on the glass.
Darian held the bottle to the light and read out the name…
Nenum.
Venom.
Edie had accidentally given her lady one of Emmeric’s poisons.