Chapter Fifteen #2
“Jordan,” he said, trying to sound as if he weren’t pleading with her. “Do you want to know the truth? She seduced me and I let her. You knew I’d been with other women before I knew you. There is no crime in that, but I swear to you upon my father’s grave that I never loved any of them.”
“But ye offered for her hand.”
There was the pain in her tone again. It was like someone was taking a dagger and hacking his heart out.
“Aye, I did,” he said. “Jane was a nice lass and I enjoyed her company, but I was not in love with her. She, however, was greatly in love with me and like any man, I was fed by flattery at that age. She loved me and I let her. After two weeks of a torrid romance, she wanted to marry me so I approached her father and asked for her hand because I felt it was the right thing to do. I’d just spent two weeks in the woman’s bed and I felt as if I’d sullied her for the man she would eventually marry.
So, I did what I felt was right and asked for her hand and for no other reason than that, but her father denied me.
It seemed that he didn’t want a simple knight for his daughter.
I did not know she was with child or I would have… ”
He stopped himself, unwilling to continue the subject to the logical conclusion because it was too painful and shameful for him to do so. To think of a life without Jordan was no life at all for him.
But Jordan knew. She knew exactly what he was going to say.
“If ye’d known, ye would have demanded a marriage,” she finished quietly. “’Tis the noble thing to do and ye’re a man of honor.”
He nodded weakly, lifting his head to look at her in the dim light. “Aye,” he murmured. “I would have done the honorable thing.”
Jordan gazed into his tormented eye, but she had enough torment of her own.
The story of Jane de Percy was something William had never mentioned, not in all the years they’d been married, and the truth was that she was wounded.
Wounded by William’s lack of transparency.
She felt as if he’d kept something from her, something that perhaps didn’t matter at the time but now mattered a great deal.
William’s bastard was on their doorstep.
With a sigh, she looked away and gazed out of the window again.
“I canna fault ye a love affair before ye knew me,” she said after a moment. “But ye should have told me that ye’d come close tae marriage with another woman. I think it only fair.”
He grunted and hung his head. “Would it matter if I had?” he asked. “Would it have changed how you felt about me?”
Jordan shook her head. “Nay,” she said. “But at least I would have known that there was once someone else important tae ye. That ye were capable of giving yerself over tae another. In all the years we’ve been married, ye’ve made me feel like I was the one and only woman ye’ve ever given yerself tae.
As if ye had no other affairs before me.
Ye built a world of illusions around me, English. I dunna know why ye’d do that.”
“Because I love you.”
Jordan sighed faintly. “Mayhap ye love the illusion of me,” she said softly. “Ye’ve built me up like the Virgin Mary. Ye’ve made yerself out tae be the congregation that worships me and only me. But that’s not true.”
“Christ, Jordan, it is true.”
She didn’t respond. He sat there and looked at her, wondering just how much this was going to affect them.
Perhaps he had been wrong in not telling her about Jane de Percy because he’d indeed come close to marriage with her and, truth be told, they’d had quite a passionate affair while it lasted.
But he really didn’t think it mattered and saw no reason to tell her about something that had never mattered to him.
But it evidently mattered to her.
“Jordan,” he said, his voice strained with emotion.
“Mayhap I really did try to create an illusion around you, an illusion that you were the only woman I had ever looked at, but we both know that wasn’t truth.
But you are the only woman I have ever loved and I will swear that until the day I die.
You are my sun, my moon, and the universe around me and nothing is right in this world if you are not in it with me.
I am sorry if I hurt you by not telling you about Jane, but it never occurred to me that it mattered to do so.
Forgive me if it did matter. I am deeply sorry that you had to find out this way because, surely, it was not the right way for you to know.
If I could have spared you, I would have.
But you must know I would never, ever intentionally lie to you or hurt you. Surely you know.”
“I know,” she murmured. “I do know that, English.”
“Then can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”
She continued to gaze from the window until, very slowly, she turned to look at him.
The man was desperate. Repentant and desperate.
She could see that in his eye, so terrified that he had ruined something he’d had for so many years, something that was his rock and his anchor.
Their love had been the one constant in his life for the past twenty-five years and he’d been grateful for it every day.
But she’d been right and he knew it. He’d made her think that she was the only woman he’d ever held in such regard, the only one he’d ever had a truly passionate affair with.
Perhaps that was his way of making her feel special and loved, building her up to be the only true woman in the world for him.
But she was coming to see that he had built an illusion around her to make her think that and it hadn’t been right.
She’d found out the hard way that he hadn’t been as transparent with her as he could have been.
But Jordan knew, in the long run, it really didn’t matter.
He was still her English.
“In about an hour I will,” she said, a hint of mirth in her exhausted face. “Give me an hour and I’ll forgive ye. But for now… I just want tae be alone.”
The relief William felt was indescribable. He went to his knees next to the bench, reaching out to take her hand as he placed his big head in her lap.
“I love you more than the sun loves the day,” he whispered, his lips against her fingers.
“More than the moon loves the night. If I could take your hurt away, I surely would, but know that nothing was ever intentional, Jordan. If I withheld something you think I should have told you, forgive me, love… I simply never thought a silly affair was important compared to the glory of you.”
He could feel her free hand in his hair. “God’s Bones, English, I canna stay angry with ye when ye put it like that,” she said. “And I’m truly not angry. Mayhap a little sad tae think a lass loved ye so much before I did.”
He kissed her hand. “She may have loved me, but I loved you,” he said. “There is no comparison.”
“Swear it?”
“God, yes.”
She stroked his hair. “I dinna think I could feel jealousy at my age,” she said. Then she chuckled softly. “Mayhap that’s all it was. A little jealousy. But I better not hear anything more of bastards about with the de Wolfe name or ye and I are going tae have a serious go-round.”
He started to laugh. “I swear to you, none that I know of,” he said. “I did not live a chaste life before you, but I lived a careful one.”
“Evidently not too careful.”
He lifted his head and looked at her. “Sadly true,” he said.
He kissed her hand again and his smile faded.
“But facing this now… the fact that the letter was in War’s saddlebags means that he knows he is my son.
If he finds the letter missing, he might assume I have it.
Or someone stole it and is going to blackmail him.
I realize that it is a great deal to ask, but your counsel would be appreciated in the matter, my lady. What do I do?”
Jordan gazed down at her handsome husband, her hand still in his hair. “I am concerned as tae why he had that letter in his bags,” she said thoughtfully. “Did he bring it tae give it tae ye? Or has he been carrying it around, building up some sort of rage against ye?’
William pondered that. “Why would he be angry at me?” he said. “I knew nothing about him or about Jane’s condition. She never told me anything.”
Jordan shrugged. “It may not matter tae him,” she said. “If he knew he was yer son, why not come tae ye before now? Why did I have tae find that letter in his bags? He should have told ye when he first arrived.”
William lifted his eyebrows. “I am not entirely certain that is something you tell someone you’ve only just met,” he said. “Mayhap he is waiting until the right moment.”
“Or mayhap he has come tae harm ye somehow.”
William shook his head. “He cannot harm me,” he said. “I’ve never gotten that feeling from him. I’m a fairly good judge of men’s characters, Jordan. In my profession, I have to be. I’ve never felt hostility from him, not ever.”
Jordan wasn’t going to push the subject, but she couldn’t help feeling suspicious of War and his motives.
“Then if ye want tae know what tae do, I think that ye must tell him that I found the letter,” she said.
“If he is looking for the right time, the time would be now. Ye must make it the right time. But tell him how I found the letter– that it was by accident. I dunna want the man tae think we were spying on him.”
He nodded faintly. “But… what should I say to him?” he asked. “Do I acknowledge him as my son? He stands to inherit nothing from me; that belongs to Scott and Troy. War has no right to anything, so what do I say to him? What does he expect from me?”
Jordan stroked his hair. “Ask him,” she said softly. “Ask him what he wants. Mayhap he only wants tae know that ye know about him and nothing more. Mayhap he only wants tae be yer acquaintance.”
“That is all it can ever be, Jordan,” he said. “I may acknowledge him, but I will not accept him as my son. I will not do that to the sons I already have.”
“And I would hope he would not expect ye tae,” Jordan said.
“But I’m still concerned that he had that letter in his bags and dinna tell ye about it.
Clearly, he knows who ye are. And ye know who he is.
Ye must address that so there is no confusion and ye must make sure there are no hard feelings.
The man is in command of Bamburgh and is tae be yer ally.
Ye dunna want it tae be a relationship fraught with tension. ”
No, William didn’t want that. He went from kneeling in front of Jordan to sitting against her, his back against her legs, his hand still holding hers.
“What about Scott and Troy and the rest of my sons?” he asked, sounding bewildered. “Do I tell them? Do I not? I do not know what to say to them.”
Jordan could hear his confusion, his sadness. He didn’t want to hurt their sons by telling them that there was a half-brother out there. She gave his hand a squeeze.
“Talk tae War before ye do anything else,” she said. “Find out what he wants. Find out how he feels. That will give ye the direction ye need.”
She was right. William kissed her hand again, glad they’d worked out the problem between them but feeling apprehensive at the situation he was facing with War.
There was nothing he could do but get on with it.
“He’s in Coldstream until the morning,” he said. “I’ll address him when he returns.”
With that, he stood up wearily, feeling as if he’d aged a hundred years in just a few short minutes. He felt old and weary and sad.
Sad for the son he never knew.
“Where are ye going?” Jordan murmured.
He raked his fingers through his hair. “Down to the hall to see to the wounded,” he said. “Will you come with me?”
Jordan stood up from the bench. “Aye,” she said. “We’ll go together. But once ye’ve seen tae yer men, I want ye tae come back tae bed with me. Jemma and Annaleigh can tend tae the wounded tonight.”
He lifted an eyebrow at her. “Come back to bed with you?” he repeated. “I go to bed with you every night.”
She gave him a coy look. “That’s not what I meant.”
He was trying not to chuckle. “The last time you said that to me, we had Penny.”
She fought off a grin. “I’ve said that tae ye many a time and we’ve not had a child every time,” she said. But her smile faded as she looked up at him. “Tonight, I just want ye tae hold me.”
It was a sweet request, one that William was more than willing to honor. With a smile on his lips, he took her hand again, kissed it, and led her from the chamber.
For William and Jordan, tonight belonged to them.