Chapter 46 Safe Place
Chapter 46
Safe Place
Brandon
“I thought it would feel different ”, Parker says quietly. He’s staring numbly out of the window. Car headlights whiz by. I focus on putting as much distance as possible between him and what just happened.
I got us back to the car without anyone noticing. I’d slung his bag over my shoulder and weaved him in and out of the crowd. He’d kept his hood up, head down. He’s still in his MMA gear, but I’ve wrapped his grey zip up hoodie around him.
He was shaking. A lot.
There’s a couple of scuffs where his jawline bloodied his opponent’s knuckles, but it’s the deepness of his brown eyes, hollow and wet, that rip right through me.
Parker on the edge isn’t new. Not to me. But it starts and ends with his dad. I don’t think either of us have ever faced that before. His light may not have gone out, but it flickered against the wind. Angrily. Desperately.
“You already know”, Parker says. “Don’t you?” I nod, even though he’s not looking at me. “It’s stupid. It’s not like I thought winning a fight would bring him back”.
“It’s light years away from stupid, Parker”.
“It’s not stupid to pretend that someone’s there when you know they’re not?”
“That’s exactly the time you’re supposed to do it”.
His knuckles are turning purple. “I imagine him behind me when I’m practicing punches, telling me not to drop my guard. Hear him calling out advice when I’m rolling out on the mat, but tonight, when I won, I turned to him, and he wasn’t fucking there”.
His heartbreak is palpable. I don’t trust myself to speak.
“I always thought that if I fulfilled the life that was stolen from him, that it would make his death seem less meaningless”.
Do not cry. Hold it together. He needs you.
“I thought I could fix it, Brandon. I swear to God I did”. The tremble to his voice wobbles dangerously, “But he’s gone. He left me”.
I pull over then. He doesn’t resist the hug. It’s hard because of the seat positions, so he ends up resting his head on my shoulder. I press him into my chest, willing his pain away.
Time passes. I’m not sure how much.
“Can I ask you something?” He makes a noise that I take for assent. “Did you ever talk to anyone after he died?”
He shakes his head. “Like a therapist? Not really”.
“What does ‘not really’ look like?”
“There was a mandatory grief counsellor at high school. I went a couple of times. Then afterwards…it’s embarrassing”. Parker sniffs, pulling his sleeves over his hands. “I used to pretend I was talking to you. When we were apart. I’d imagine you there. And I’d tell you stuff”.
“I was your spirit animal?”
“Spirit therapist animal”.
“But I’m as fucked up as you are”. A hint of a smile. “Was Imaginary Therapist Panda-Bear Brandon helpful?”
“He was”. Parker settles into my shoulder, more comfortably. “Sexy, too”.
“Hopefully he didn’t cross any professional boundaries”. I hold him closer. “What do you need me to do?”
“Please don’t be nice to me”.
“Okay”. I hand him a tissue from the glove compartment. “Stop crying, you pussy”.
He splutters, spitting his drink everywhere. A smile threatens to uncloud his face. “You always know what I need. You were right about MMA. About me. You always know just what to say. I wish I was more like that. Better at telling you how I feel”.
“You’re better than you think”.
“I don’t know that I am. The L word is a hard one for me. You may have noticed”.
“I wouldn’t be so sure”, I slide my phone out of my pocket. He blinks, as I scroll to my podcast app, connect my phone to the speakers, and press play.
“ Parker Di Rossi, welcome to Most Likely to…” His eyes widen as I skip forward to the last couple of minutes. His voice fills the car through the speakers. “ Brandon’s…one of a kind. Someone that I spent my whole life wanting to emulate. I’d never admit that to him, so it’s lucky that he’s not here.
We shouldn’t have been friends. Not really. Life handled us both very differently. And I spent a lot of our childhood together being jealous of him. Jealous of how people warmed up around him. Jealous of his looks, his money, his intelligence. His family. I came off worse in every way. So I should have hated him. But I didn’t. Couldn’t.
He’s the one person in the whole world who’s never tried to change me. Who wanted more for me than I thought I deserved. He’s the only person who knows everything about me, and he has my back anyway.
People like that are rare. They deserve to be cherished. Because you never know when they’ll go away. And if you’re out there listening to this, Carter, I didn’t mean a word of what I just said, so get that goofy grin off your face. But… I love you, and I miss you”.
“Wow. That was…insightful. That relationship is obviously significant to you”.
I turn down the volume. “Just so you know”, Parker says, lips twitching. “I didn’t mean a word of that”.
“Of course not”, I nod. “I just assumed you were drunk”.
“Wasted”. We sit there for a moment, just holding hands. His phone is blowing up. He turns the screen so that I can see. “It’s Zara. She says the promoters liked me. Three fight contracts on the table. If I want it”.
He punctuates the last four words. If. I. Want. It.
“I spent my whole life wanting it”. Parker says softly. “Zara’s put effort into training me. She didn’t have to do that”.
“That wasn’t what she asked”. I watch it all play out on his face. “You don’t need to decide now. You don’t need to do anything tonight. The only thing we need to do tonight is survive it. That’s the goal”.
He collapses into me, as I wrap my arms around him. The entire gesture is a non-stop assault on the senses. Sweaty. Battered. Strong.
“You were there”. His low husky tone snaps me back to the present. It’s posed as a question but we both know it’s not. Where the hell else would I be?
“You were just about worth the price of admission”. I hold up my wrist. My attendance has been stamped in red on the back of my hand. “Though someone needs a word with the caterer. My hotdog was criminally undercooked”.
“I meant my dad’s funeral. I always thought you weren’t there. But you were”.
Silence fills the space left by his question.“How did you know?”
“I felt you. Same way I felt you tonight. I didn’t know it was you, then. Thanks. For then. For now”, He pauses. “You’re always there. For the big stuff. For the stuff that matters”.
“Your mom said the funeral was family only, but you were my family. And I was proud of you, standing up like that. You gave him such an incredible tribute. There’s no way he’s not been with you this whole time”.
“Even if I’m not a fighter?”
“You are a goddam warrior, Parker”.
He shifts suddenly. “What were you saying to Darwin? I saw you talking to him”.
“I was just introducing myself”, I shrug. “And reminding him that Darwin isn’t the only name with money and influence around here. The Carter name might not carry the prestige it once did, but we’re still pretty powerful. And I’m in your corner”. I see him glow from the inside out. “You have people in your corner. He’s not going to fuck with you again”.
“My boy is a badass ”.
“That’s my whole brand. Badass. With high functioning anxiety”.
“Okay, your turn”, Parker shifts in his seat to look at me. “Truth only please”.
“Tonight’s about you”.
“It’s about us”.
The part of me that’s determined to resist any attempt at getting inside my head isn’t as loud as it used to be. Freddie’s seen to that. “I’ve always worried that there wasn’t a way to live my life openly and be a professional soccer player at the same time”. Let him in, Brandon . “When I was single, it didn’t matter. But I’m not anymore. And I don’t know if I’m tough enough”.
“Tough enough?” Parker gives a low whistle. “Carter, you’re one of the toughest motherfuckers I’ve ever met. And I spent most of my night locked in a cage fighting with another dude”.
I’m half laughing. “I’m not sure that’s a fair use of the adjective”.
“There’s a million different ways to be tough. I’ve seen you handle things that would bring most of the guys I train with to tears. Shit with your parents. You dad’s political enemies. Hell, your dad’s political friends. Your mom. The press. The parents at the school gates. And here you are”.
“If I can’t play soccer, and I lose my family. What’s left?”
“You”, his eyes melt into my soul. “And that’s so much more than enough”.
It’s going to be tough, I know that. But we’re tougher. Together. “You’re going to make me cry”.
“That’s the idea. I already cried. It’ll make us even”.
“Let’s make a deal. We don’t make each other cry”. We shake hands, then seal the deal with a kiss. The words fall out so easily. “I love you”.
“I love you too”, Parker takes my face with his hands. “So very fucking much”.
We unbuckle our seatbelts. “What a freaking day, right?”
“You don’t know the half of it. Guess who I ran into earlier?”
“Your Dad”.
“God no, can you imagine? Then there really would be tears”, I roll my eyes, “So, I was helping Freddie pick out an engagement ring, and…”
“No, Brandon”, I follow his gaze to where a familiar figure stands by the entrance to Summit. The air whooshes out of my lungs. He raises his head and gives a half wave. “It’s your dad. He’s here”.